


Hope for the hopeless

by OhDearSilvia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Not Canon Compliant, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:13:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 119,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27227884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhDearSilvia/pseuds/OhDearSilvia
Summary: You're an ex auror, back at Hogwarts to train amongst your old Professors. You may have bitten off more than you can chew as training seems to be the least of your worries; Hogwarts is full of distractions and secrets but it's not just Hogwarts that has secrets.Severus Snape, the Potions Master, is immediately suspicious and keeps a very close eye on you. Your broken past, present and future lives begin to weave together to create something so dangerously useful.Severus Snape x reader romance.
Relationships: Severus Snape/Reader, Severus Snape/You
Comments: 179
Kudos: 347





	1. Hogwarts Will Always Be There To Welcome You Home

Hogwarts looked majestic as ever in the mid-afternoon sun. It had always held a dear place in your heart, after-all you had spent most of your adolescent life there. Your best friends were made in the Ravenclaw dorms, you had nights where you laughed into the small hours; you sneakily kissed your first boy near the Whomping Willow...kissed your first girl there, too. Even the hours of study and practice conjured feelings of warmth because, even though it was difficult, it had formed you into a great witch. The memories painted a smile on your face. You even had your old Ravenclaw tie and jumper with you, it was packed up with your stuff; mementos you could never seem to part with.

Of course, they were not all bright memories but not many regrets ghosted the halls of Hogwarts for you. That's why you were back. No unwanted faces, no feelings of failure or shame. A fresh start in an old place.

Hagrid escorted you from the station to the entrance of Hogwarts, you were glad of the company but you found you had actually remembered the route yourself, even after 7 years. He filled you in on a few tidbits but said he felt he should leave certain things to Dumbledore, stating, "I don't want to put my foot in anythin'.'" He hadn't changed a bit. Except for his beard, which was definitely longer and a little rattier.

When you met Professor McGonagall, she was ready with open arms; you had been one of her best pupils whilst at Hogwarts and excelled in her transfiguration classes. When she heard you were coming to work at Hogwarts she had sent you an owl immediately, congratulating you.

"Professor, it's so very good to see you." You beamed at your old mentor.

"You too, dear, and less of the Professor, please." She replied.

"Oh yes, sorry...Minerva," you emphasised her name and smiled. She was the matriarchal figure that you lacked at home in your teenage years and seeing her again eased the nerves you had let build in your stomach. The long train journey from London had given you enough time to fret, nap, read and fret some more.

"Now, we're going straight into a meeting, Y/N, not ideal I know, but at least you can get all your introductions done," Minerva spoke as you walked down the halls that lead to Dumbledore's office. The nerves reacquainting themselves with your stomach.

Dumbledore's office hadn't changed. Books sat in every corner of the room even though he had an extensive library surrounding his desk and odd contraptions lay on any surface available; some were recognisable but a number of them were foreign to you. Pictures, mainly of old sleeping men, donned his walls. His desk was grand and ornate; certainly, furniture befitting the Headmaster of one of the finest Wizarding schools. Dumbledore sat behind the desk on an equally grand chair and was in conversation with Professor Snape, you bit your cheek at the sight of him.

Professor Snape had joined the school around halfway through your time there and had become your Potions teacher. Most people hated him; he was obscenely strict, set very high standards, and did not hide his dislike for children. You had managed to stay mostly unscathed when it came to his punishments, though you did serve detention with him once for a _slight_ explosion in your 5th year. You had redeemed yourself by 7th year and for the most part, he left you alone; some of your friends were less fortunate.

Minerva ushered you further into the office and cleared her throat, which attracted the attention of the two men.

"Ah, Miss y/l/n." Dumbledore rose slowly from his chair "I take it your journey was comfortable?" He shook your hand delicately.

"Yes, Professor. All went well, thank you." You smiled politely and your eyes flickered to the man standing beside him, he stood staunch, chest out, hands behind his back. His face was a blank canvas, black hair framing his high cheekbones.

"I'll be right back," Minerva interjected and left the room.

"I imagine you remember Professor Snape, y/n?" Dumbledore inquired as he motioned to his colleague.

"Of course, good to see you, Professor." You stepped closer to him and offered your hand, his eyes gazed down and then back up to you. You noticed the subtle eye roll, w _ell at least he can move his face,_ you thought. He took your hand, his grip much tighter than Dumbledore's and his skin rougher; the stoic man tolerated two shakes then let go and returned his hand to its previous position.

"Sherbet lemon?" Dumbledore offered but you politely declined. There was a slight pause in the conversation and you did your best not to look at your old Potions teacher.

The door to the office opened again, _thank Merlin,_ it was Minerva and what looked like most of the teaching staff following behind. Dumbledore gestured to the table that the others were convening around; you sat in the first free seat you could, then Snape sat opposite you. _Great_. You smiled at all those eyeing you. Nerves had you thinking about delving into their thoughts but you soon rid yourself of that stupid notion. You'd gotten away with it a few times when you were a pupil and now that you knew better, you barely used it. Your own father was proof that overuse brought nothing but pain. 

"Good afternoon all," Dumbledore began, breaking your train of thought, "Let's keep the meeting portion of the afternoon brief, it's already 4 and I'm sure we've all had busy days and are looking forward to dinner. I know I am."

He smiled at you, "Firstly, allow me to introduce you all to a face that may be familiar to some, f/l/n. As you know, y/n is joining us as an assistant in some classes whilst honing her own teaching skills."

It was going to be a very busy year you thought to yourself.

Dumbledore continued on, "Professor Lockhart sends his apologies, he will not be joining us for a few days, so we will have to get him up to speed with haste as soon as he arrives." _Lockhart? The Lockhart? Well, at least you won't stick out too much with a celebrity to grab everyone's attention._

The rest of the meeting wasn't particularly interesting. Just information on some curriculum changes, general housekeeping rules, and a few gripes regarding timetables. Professor Dumbledore assured the overworked teachers would feel some relief this year due to you being there, but jokingly warned them not to monopolise all your time.

He looked to you, "I'm afraid to inform you, y/n, that due to some last-minute demands the only quarters we have been able to allocate you, for now, are down in the dungeons."

You tried to give him a reassuring smile but the dungeons, really? However, you were just an assistant and still in training, so you really had no right to moan.

"Finally, after last year's messy business with Quirrell, Harry and co, I do ask, even though I know I do not have to, that we all be more vigilant this year." The teachers passed knowing looks between them. You, however, were quite confused. You had assumed the Harry he was referring to was Harry Potter. There was much chatter in the wizarding world last year when Harry returned, but who was Quirrell? And what was the mess? You hadn't heard anything but then it wouldn't be unlike the Ministry to sweep something under the rug if it needed to be kept quiet. _Maybe you should have looked. No._

"Now. Let's eat." Dumbledore clapped his hands and food appeared on the table. A modest feast. Nothing like the magnitude you knew would be offered at the students' meal times but it was more than enough and you were very hungry. You'd only been able to force down a chocolate frog on the train, the nerves occupying space where your appetite should have been.

You waited for others to start putting food on their plate before you dug in yourself. Professor Flitwick, your old Head of House, began conversing with you, enquiring as to what you had been doing with yourself since you left Hogwarts

"I went straight into Auror training after leaving," you could see the conversation had garnered the attention of the table and suddenly you seemed to be in an open dialogue with half of your former teachers, - "I left that just under 2 years ago, did some travelling and freelancing for the Ministry both here and amongst the muggle population. Then to Beauxbatons."

"And how did you find that? With the muggles? I find them just fascinating." Dumbledore mused as he bit into a piece of bread.

You nodded your head in agreement, "Indeed, Professor, I have to admit I picked up a few of their habits living amongst them."

"Easily done," reassured Professor Burbage, chuckling into her glass of wine. You laughed with her. _If only you knew._

The attention from you dispersed somewhat as the professors discussed their summers. A few holidays were had, new books read, just the usual fare of a school break. You noticed Snape remained quiet throughout the meal but he listened intently, nodded, and agreed when needed. He said he spent most of his summer working, which oddly, made you feel quite sorry for him.

At one point you grabbed for your wine glass and locked eyes with him, you looked away as soon as it had happened, feeling embarrassed. Not that you had any reason to be embarrassed but you felt it all the same. As you at dessert, you made a concerted effort not to repeat the awkward moment.

As the meal drew to an end and the late afternoon had transformed into the evening it was obvious Professor Burbage and Professor Sprout had definitely consumed a few glasses too many. Professor Sprout was particularly giggly and her cheeks were pink; she had been chatting away with Minerva and Hagrid for the last 15 minutes. Quite like Snape, you spoke when it was appropriate, or if you were asked something. Most of your nerves had dispersed and you were enjoying being amongst your old professors and thankful that they saw past your ex-student status.

Tiredness seeped into your body and your back started to twinge; all day sitting on the train and now sitting for the last few hours had left you feeling very stiff. You shuffled and went to cross a leg over the other but not taking into account the length of Snape's legs, you kicked him. _Fuck_. You immediately apologised, your voice soft amongst the general chatter, and thankfully no one else was paying much attention. Snape pulled his legs back, his face a mixture of annoyance and...embarrassment? He didn’t even acknowledge your apology. Maybe he felt embarrassed for having spread so much. Either way, kicking Professor Snape was not something you envisioned happening on your first day back at Hogwarts. You decided you needed to go to bed.

Pushing out your chair and clearing your throat gained the attention of Dumbledore, "I think I had better unpack and get some rest. Thank you for the warm welcome, all.”

_Well, almost all._

"Of course, y/n. Severus, you wouldn't mind escorting y/n to the other chambers in the dungeon, would you?" Dumbledore asked though you felt there was really no wiggle room for Snape to deny the request.

Snape nodded at the Headmaster and curtly said it was on his way. Standing rigid, he bid his fellow colleagues a good night and gestured for you to follow him. He held open the door to Dumbledore's office for you and you thanked him as you passed through. This felt quite awkward, for many reasons, and to top it off you had kicked the poor bloke.

Snape didn't offer to make conversation and you thought it best to follow suit. You simply walked close behind, his pace faster than you'd have liked, an old Auror injury protested and the food in your stomach hadn't settled yet. The halls were quiet, the term hadn't started so there was very little activity in the castle.

Snape pulled out his wand and uttered, "Lumos," as you took an unfamiliar staircase down to the dungeon.

"This is a shortcut, staff only. Try to remember it, it'll save you unnecessary run-ins with pupils." His deep voice echoed along the walls. It sent a chill up your spine and you pulled your cloak around yourself, warding off the eerie chill of the air. The musty smell that filled your nose was the same as it ever was; it had repulsed you that first time 14 years ago, but now it was nostalgic.

Snape abruptly stopped outside a large, black door; so abruptly you almost bashed into him but you managed to stop yourself, though it left you far too close to him. He cleared his throat and you quickly stepped back. Lowering his wand so it wasn't blinding the two of you, his pale face remained as still as it had all night. _Say something._

"I...I'm very sorry for kicking you earlier." _Probably not tha_ _t, you idiot._

"For an ex-Auror, you're very timid,” he raked his wand up your body and closer to your face, the light making your eyes sting, - “clumsy too."

The tone of his voice told you he was not impressed with the accident earlier. Yes, you had kicked him but there was no need to insult you; he could have accepted your apology and left. _Such an arse still._

You shrugged your shoulders, trying to show an air of nonchalance.

"It takes all sorts, I suppose." A smile graced your face, you wouldn't give him the satisfaction of letting him think he had struck a chord, "I appreciate the escort, good night, Professor."

With that, you waved your hand to open the door and entered the room. It was dark and dank but you had found yourself in worse places as an Auror and you could spruce it up. Candles were lit ready for your arrival and all your belongings had been stacked neatly in the living area. With your wand, you lit a fire and went in search of a shower. You only managed to unpack some pyjamas and pick out the next day's clothes before exhaustion took over and you decided you'd handle the rest tomorrow and went to bed.


	2. The Potions Master

A knock at the door disturbed your slumber the next morning. It took a second for you to get your bearings and glancing at your clock told you it was 6.32 am. _Who the bloody hell is at my door at this time?_ You sat up quickly and pulled your robe over your pyjama-clad body and staggered to the door while trying to tame your hair.

You opened it just enough to peek at who it was and it was a face you certainly weren’t expecting. Snape. _Perfect._ There he stood, hands behind his back, a look of irritation creasing his features; ready for the day. Opposite, there you were, still in your pyjamas, hair still a mess despite your efforts and pillow creases on your face. _Truly Perfect._ You were not setting a great impression with Snape and you knew it.

“Good morning, Professor.” Your voice was croaky from sleep and you tried to clear out the frog that had taken up residence in your voicebox.

“Apologies for the _early_ disturbance,” he smirked. _You clearly aren’t sorry, arse!_

“Dumbledore has instructed me to familiarise you with the potions department and then escort you to breakfast. It looks like you need some time though.” He quipped as he scanned your sleepy state.

His comment irritated you, had you been told of this last night, you would have been ready. It wasn’t your fault that his communication was poor.

“Fair warning would have been nice, Professor.”

He chuckled darkly, “Yes, welcome back to Hogwarts. You won’t find much of that here.”

“Clearly.” Your reply was sharper than you had aimed for but you were still tired and now freezing standing in the doorway.

He sighed, “And you can call me Severus, I suppose.” It was obvious from his reply that he had barely taken in your nettled tone, either that or he didn’t care. Thinking about it, it was probably the latter.

“Allow me 10 minutes to get ready. _Severus._ ”

Abruptly closing the door to your dingy quarters, you set about getting ready for the day. Thankfully you had showered before bed. You hurried to your small bathroom and came out a few minutes later having used the facilities, brushed your teeth, and splashed cold water at your face to wake yourself properly.

Looking in the full-length mirror near your bed you put on your clothes for the day. A grey high-waisted pencil skirt and black shirt. You left the top few buttons open, leaving your bare sternum on display. The look could do with a necklace but you didn’t have time to pick one out. A wave of your hand had your hair styled and you quickly applied some eyeliner and mascara, the muggle way. You slipped on the lowest heels you owned, the only ones you could manage in, then grabbed your black cloak and headed for the door.

Severus was nowhere to be seen. You hadn’t taken _that_ long. A click of a door down the corridor caught your attention and out he walked, pulling down the sleeves of his suit jacket and then brushing down the front of it. If the circumstances were different you’d probably have found him quite attractive. He had unconventionally handsome features, in your opinion, and who wasn’t drawn to dark and mysterious men, really? He snapped his head up and noticed you, his posture stiffening immediately. You didn’t miss his quick once-over of your clothing choice. With his hand out, he gestured past his door, to the one next to it, where you knew the potions classroom was.

Stopping outside your old class, Severus, unlocked the door with a whisper and lead you in, “Take a seat,” he prompted to a chair at his desk.

It hadn’t changed at all, still dusty and damp, the old desks had yet to be swapped and cauldrons sat stacked in the corner of the room. You observed him as he moved around to the other side of the desk and pulled out a large folder of parchments.

“This is the syllabus for the lower years, you will help prepare and present these lessons. The more advanced classes you will just watch over until I am confident you can handle them.” _Rude_ “I brew large batches of potions throughout the year and will, from time to time, need to assist with those. Other than that I expect some aid in inventory and ingredient procurement. Is that understood?”

It really was going to be a long year, this was just one of the classes you were assigned to _._ However, hard work didn’t scare you, in fact, you enjoyed a challenge.

“Perfectly. Though you do remember you have to share me, don’t you?” You remarked with a smirk on your face; no surprise, it garnered no reaction from him. Sighing, you opened the folder and glanced at the first few sheets; it was all pretty basic stuff, certainly nothing you couldn’t do. Teaching it to hormonal teenagers was the more difficult part of the job.

A quick viewing of the potions stores showed you that there was an extensive collection of ingredients and already brewed potions to hand, not that you expected any different. It was fairly well organised but was in need of cleaning and you felt sure that job would be tasked to you in due course.

“I keep very good records of what is in here,” Snape began, rather aggressively, “If anything goes missing I will know who to blame.”

He eyed you as if you were a common thief but if working at the Ministry had prepared you for anything, it was how to stop an eye roll from escaping, and your eyes were about ready to roll out of your head. What did he take you for, really? You hoped it was just his modus operandi, that he was just rude and suspicious because he hadn’t scoped you out yet but you wouldn’t bet on it.

As you silently walked to breakfast you wondered if you’re ex auror status made him uneasy of you. Upon leaving the school and becoming an Auror you discovered your ex-professor was also an ex Deatheater turned “good.” With your past histories, an interesting work dynamic might be made. Most likely a lot tenser than any of the other classes. It played on your mind all the way to breakfast.

The rest of the teaching staff were already eating when you and Snape arrived and therefore only two seats were left, right next to each other. You could have done with a reprieve from his stoic energy but you had little choice; you decided to talk to the rest of the staff as much as you could. Ignoring the little glances he gave you in his peripheral vision. Breakfast was delicious and much needed after walking the dark, cold halls this morning. The coffee warmed your belly instantly and the caffeine kicked out some of the tiredness that lingered.

“All up to speed with Severus, y/n?” Professor Sprout asked.

“Yes, a very...informative morning, thank you.” You hadn’t meant to, but it came out quite sarcastically. When you say you hadn’t meant to, you actually had, but the sarcastic tone was meant to be in your head only.

Pomona didn’t pick up on it, but Snape and Minerva did. Minerva was smirking, Snape definitely was not. _Good job, Y/n._

“Excellent, after breakfast I’d like to steal you for a few hours and show you what’s happening in the greenhouse and fill your pretty head with more information.” She beamed.

She had meant it in a motherly way, you were sure, but you couldn’t help the hue of heat and likely redness, break out on your cheeks; compliments always made you cringe. Grabbing your coffee cup, you found it-empty, _urgh,_ you were hoping to hide the embarrassment with a sip.

Snape had watched the brief exchange, smirking darkly. Did he enjoy your discomfort? Probably. _Sadist._ “Looks like you’re all out.” He mused to you quietly, his breath hitting your neck. It inadvertently made you shiver inside. _No shit._

Don’t rise to him, you told yourself, so you didn’t. “Looks like I am, thank you, would you mind topping me up, please?” You asked kindly and stuck out your cup under his hooked nose.

He gave you an incredulous look, your reply certainly wasn’t what he was expecting and you enjoyed your small victory. Snape may have been grumpy and sarcastic but he did have some manners; he waved his hand quickly and filled your cup with steaming hot coffee. The fake smile you gave him was too much but it felt good. He ignored you for the rest of the meal and when he was finished eating he quickly excused himself claiming he had a lot of work to do. _Someone doesn’t like being countered._

Professor Sprout’s introduction to Herbology was much more enjoyable than Snape’s had been. You enjoyed the subject, although it wasn’t a preferred option for you to teach full time; you knew how important a good knowledge of plant life was to potion-making though. Potions, as well as Defence Against the Dark Arts, had been your favourite subjects when you were a student. D.A.D.A had obviously proved important when you took a career as an Auror. However, due to Lockhart’s delay, you were unsure as to when you would get to touch base regarding your role in that subject. You were apprehensive; Lockhart’s reputation preceded him.

Pomona was very sweet and enthusiastic about her subject, the epitome of a Hufflepuff and it relaxed you greatly. The conversation was easy and free-flowing. Most of the other women at Hogwarts were many years your senior and therefore your friendships wouldn’t quite be the same as they would be with people closer to your age. You looked up to both Pomona and Minerva, they were both excellent teachers and you hoped that you’d follow in their footsteps.

You took all your notes from the morning down to your chambers. You had managed to find your way back okay, locating the shortcut that Snape showed you last night. You whispered the phrase for the locking enchantment you had put on your door and opened it up, hesitating slightly as you looked down the corridor to Snape’s quarters. A semblance of remorse filled you for your antagonistic behaviour at breakfast; you hadn’t wanted to make him leave so quickly, just give him a little taste of his own grumpy medicine. You huffed and stepped into your cold quarters and closed the door.


	3. Lockhart

The next day started far more relaxed than the previous one. Meaning you had woken naturally; no abrupt knocking at your door or awkward silences with Snape. In fact, he had been very quiet since breakfast yesterday. He had taken dinner in his quarters that evening and regarded you with a brief acknowledgment when you arrived at breakfast. Hagrid was missing from the meal, apparently fetching Lockhart with Filch, which was good news as you really wanted to get your initial discussion with him done so you could organise your time between the three subjects as best you could.

Hagrid entered as the plates were being cleared, sans Lockhart; Dumbledore stared at him inquisitively.

"Sorry Dumbledore, 'e wanted to go to 'is rooms first, said 'e needed t freshen up and unpack a few things." _Rooms? Plural? Lockhart got rooms and you got damp dungeon chic. Marvellous._

"Not to worry, Hagrid," Dumbledore reassured, "I will go seek him out soon. Thank you." Hagrid smiled proudly. Snape scoffed into his drink.

"Problem Severus?" Minerva asked and you watched on with intrigue. _Drama._

"He's making quite a show of his arrival isn't he?" His voice dripped with disdain.

You remember from your own time as a student that Snape always wanted that position but was left banished to the dungeons as a potions professor, then worked his way up to Potions Master. You could understand his frustration but you had to trust Dumbledore's judgment; he had hired you after all.

Much to your chagrin, you did agree with Severus. You had never been a Lockhart fan yourself, he was too showy, his teeth a little too perfect and you found it difficult to believe he had achieved all he was famous for but you remained quiet as Snape moaned on some more. You had to continue preparing for the ever-looming start of term and you wanted to pop to Hogsmeade at some point to pick up a few things for your room. As you wrote a mental list in your head, you phased out the conversation around you, so was a bit perturbed when you stood at the same time as Severus. You looked at each; sending a small smile his way, you then ducked your head and hurried to the door. Hoping to at least get a few paces on him.

You failed. Snape walked a lot faster than you and had caught up fairly quickly. _Stupid useless leg._ An awkward silence all the way to the dungeons wasn't your idea of a good time, but to your surprise, he actually initiated a conversation.

"Looking forward to meeting the celebrity?" He asked with a slight mockery to his tone.

You looked over at him, ignoring the assumption that you would instinctively enjoy working with Lockhart. "Not particularly, as long as he lets me get on with my job, I couldn't care less about his 'achievements'." You air quoted your last words and shrugged your shoulders.

"Besides," you began to whisper for dramatic emphasis, "my sources tell me he's a right smarmy git." Severus stifled a laugh. _Well shit. It was small but that was definitely a near laugh._

"I'm glad to hear, I need you focussed on my potion classes."

"Do I actually strike you as the type of person who would be fawning over him?" You held your hand to your chest in faked offense.

"No, actually," he cleared his throat.

That was definitely a compliment, which certainly didn't seem to come out of the man with any ease. To say this whole conversation didn't surprise you would be a lie. After yesterday's conversation and the subsequent avoidance in the evening, you had expected this to be a very awkward exchange. Maybe you hadn't upset him at all.

"And for what it's worth, I am focussed." The reassurance seemed to work.

Snape nodded in response and a small smile formed but disappeared in the blink of an eye.

When you got back to your quarters and sat down you noticed the conversation had left you with an odd feeling in your stomach. You didn't let it play on your mind too much though and began mapping out some lessons. You were in your element; skimming through textbooks and mixing in your own experience in the magical world to your lessons. Completely losing track of the morning, you only realised it was lunchtime when there was a knock on your door.

Opening it, you couldn't say you were surprised, he was the only person down here.

"Severus, at my door again, what can I do for you?"

He looked over your shoulder, your desk covered in parchment and textbooks.

"I'm afraid your absence is noticed at lunch...Lockhart is there and Dumbledore feels it pertinent that you also attend."

"Of course, I got a bit lost in my work, I'll be right along."

You didn't actually want to go but seeing as Dumbledore insisted, you felt you ought to. Snape made no move to leave, he just stood there in your doorway, waiting. _Merlin, you are an odd man._ Quickly bookmarking your textbooks and putting on your shoes, you left the relative comfort of your quarters.

Snape began walking, not at his usual pace but not slow either. You managed to walk alongside him, "So, how is he?" You asked.

He clicked his tongue, "Just as you suggested. A smarmy git." He really enunciated the last T, venom in his slur.

A wave of bravery passed over you and you side-eyed Snape, "And you came to get me why? Surely an owl would have been a better option. Can't imagine _why_ _t_ he head of Slytherin is doing all the running around."

You bit back a smirk, of course, you knew why. _I don't even have to look into your likely terrifying mind to see you already hate the bloke._

Snape glared at you, "If you must know, an owl was going to be sent.."

"Buttttt?" You coaxed as you edged your shoulder towards him.

"But, I grabbed at any reason to get away from that insufferable and pitiful excuse of a teacher," he said matter of factly, "don't think it's because I enjoy these escapades through the halls with you."

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it." You joked.

"Good." He drawled out.

That was the last of the conversation.

Snape opened the door and held it for you as you entered for lunch. He really did have impeccable manners, now if he could just work on his general mood, you may actually get on.

"Apologies Albus, everyone, I got completely caught up in my potions planning." You said as you sat in the seat next to Snape. The mention of potions class perking his interest as he turned his head to you.

"That's quite alright, you're here now, y/n." He looked to Lockhart and was about to introduce the two of you when Lockhart stood and introduced himself.

"Gilderoy Lockhart, but I'm sure you knew that," _There's that eye roll control coming in handy again, "_ and you must be…"

"f/l/n," you interrupted, _smarmy git,_ "but you wouldn't have known that."

You took his proffered hand to shake. He chuckled at the joke, not seeming to catch your mocking tone; Snape had, and as you looked to him, he smirked at you. You had to bite your bottom lip to stop you from following his expression, quite enjoying making him smile. Lockhart stopped his weak handshake and kissed the back of your hand, your eyes bulged, a sudden urge to slapping tingling through your molested appendage. Minerva gave you a knowing look and you pulled your hand away politely and sat down. _At least let the term start before you start a fight._

"So I hear you're going to be my assistant, y/n," his voice all sing-songy. _Urgh._

You smiled politely, ready to enjoy correcting him. "I'm actually an assistant teacher in the three different subjects this year, so I'm afraid you'll have to share my time."

"Yes, yes, of course, Dumbledore did mention it." He batted as if he hadn't just contradicted himself. Another quick smile in his direction and you began to eat.

Lunchtime's entertainment was Lockhart. Regaling tales of his adventures, flicking his hair stupidly, and bragging about his latest book; which apparently he was doing some signing for at Diagon Alley tomorrow. Excellent, so preparation for his class would be non-existent.

Sprout, Flitwick and Hagrid seemed to enjoy the stories; Hagrid especially as he had a keen interest in some of the creatures Lockhart was talking about. Minerva tolerated them and Snape looked like he might stab himself in the eye with his own fork at any minute. You were somewhere between Minerva and Snape's mood. Dumbledore was…well, Dumbledore.

When the food had been consumed, the conversation seemed to break off into two groups. Dumbledore had ushered Snape and Lockhart over to his desk and they were mulling over some parchments. You had a few questions for Pomona regarding planning, though you couldn't concentrate as Lockhart was being obnoxiously loud. Glancing over, you suddenly felt sorry for Snape who was clearly sticking around out of duty and not out of interest.

_Maybe I can help?_

Pomona wished you a good day and said she'd see you early tomorrow morning with some examples to a few of your questions. Walking over to the 3 men at the desk, Snape caught your stride from the corner of his eye, "I am very sorry to interrupt, Professors."

"Not at all, dear." Lockhart flashed you his grin and moved closer; you instinctively stepped back.

"Professor Lockhart, I really must ask that we meet to discuss initial plans for this coming term." You said forcefully.

"Oh, don't you worry yourself with that, dear," _Stop calling me dear, "_ just follow my lead, you'll do just fine." 

_Urgh, forget it._

Turning your attention from Lockhart to snape, you were going to get the both of you out of here. "Professor Snape, I'm sorry to pull you away, but we have that meeting scheduled in 15 minutes' time, or do you need to reconvene?" You asked as you looked at the other two men.

Realisation hit Severus' eyes and he understood what was happening, "No, it'll have to be now as I have no other time to reschedule it for. Albus, Gilderoy."

He bowed his head slightly to both in a farewell gesture and followed you out of the office. Both of you walked down the hall in silence, it wasn't until you were safely out of earshot that Snape thanked you.

"You're welcome...do you think we should maybe have some kind of meeting? Just in case someone comes looking for either one of us?" You didn't want to get caught in your own lie, "I could just bring some work to the potions classroom?"

Snape thought for a few seconds "Madam Pomfrey has been nagging at me for more pepper-up potion ready for the new term. You can brew that...if you wish to."

"Great."

The rest of your walk was, as usual, silent, but you noticed Snape had slowed to your pace; your leg was grateful. It was becoming less awkward, the silences, certainly not comfortable but manageable.

As you got near your room you realised you should change, you wanted to be in something more comfortable if you were going to be brewing, so you told Severus to head on to the classroom and you'd meet him there. You took off your formal clothes and changed into a pair of black jeans and a tight v neck jumper. You didn't like wearing loose articles of clothing or jewellery when potion-making; they just added risk where risk was not needed and although it was still summer a jumper was necessary for the dungeons. Combat boots replaced your more sensible work shoes.

When you got to the door, you weren't sure if you should knock or not; he was expecting you after all. Out of courtesy, you decided to knock. You heard a muffled, "Come in," and entered.

Severus looked up from his desk, he was scrawling in a book but his quill stopped working as he eyed you. It was a peculiar look. _I do wish to know what is on your mind, Professor._ You inwardly admonished yourself quickly. _Where did that come from? You don't need to know. Why would you want to?_

On the front desk, he had already laid out most of the equipment needed.

"The storeroom is open." He informed you as he continued to glance your way.

"Thank you." You replied, shyly, trying to forget your thoughts from a moment ago. However, before you could get on with the brewing, Snape began the conversation again.

"Muggle clothes?" He inquired, pointing his quill at you.

"Yes. They're comfortable. Far more practical when you're standing over open flames, too. A lot less swoosh." You made a gesture to your arms, free from the long material of witches capes or cloaks.

"Indeed," he paused, "you won't see many...any actually, other teachers dressed so...casually." His voice didn't sound particularly judgmental but you were unsure of the interest.

"Ah, I suppose I'm in luck then, seeing as I am just a lowly assistant." You joked. Always could rely on your smart mouth to get you out of an awkward spot, you thought.

Severus rolled his eyes but you could tell he was amused. "The potion isn't going to make itself you know."

"Then stop talking to me, Professor. You're very distracting." You bit your lip immediately. _Okay, that was borderline flirting, stop that_. It did leave the professor's face a picture though; a hint of embarrassment brushing his pale cheeks. He huffed in your direction and set back to writing in his book.

Severus had left a parchment on the table, he had already worked out the number of ingredients needed for the amount Madame Pomfrey wanted, so you just had to collect them. You couldn't believe he had made it so easy for you.

\-----

Unbeknownst to you, Severus watched you take in the list of ingredients, then walk off to the storeroom. His eyes lingered at the tightness of your jeans and he sighed in frustration, mainly at himself. This was completely unlike him and he was thoroughly embarrassed at his own ridiculousness.

You had the nerve to call him a distraction, he thought, when you were sauntering in and out of the storeroom, wearing yet another outfit that hugged your figure too well. He snapped his eyes away before you spotted him.

The words on his page could have been written in Ancient Runes for all he knew because none of it was filtering through. Another glance up a few minutes later and you were crushing the Bicorn horn to a powder, leaning over the desk to get more power behind your movements, which left him looking straight at your chest; the v of your jumper revealing your cleavage. He stood abruptly, pretending to go look for something in the storeroom, while he reminded himself how stupid he was being.

Severus thought this would be easy. Another wannabe teacher. They'd do their time here and be on their merry way. They'd be boring and underwhelming; forgotten the second they left. But he'd remembered you from your school days, an exceptional witch, flew through your OWLs and NEWTs and very rarely gave him any trouble, and now, here you were again. This time a grown woman, still a brilliant witch, clearly; witty and so very bold but he couldn't help think that you were trouble. For if you weren't, you appeared too well-rounded in his mind.

Usually, people were scared of him, he quite liked it like that, it meant they wanted to avoid him but so far you had met his coldness or mockery with great gumption. Severus was impressed. His eyes continuously betrayed him, enjoying you physically, and enjoying it far too much.

But, and there was a big but. You were an "ex" Auror. _How ex?_ You were too young to achieve anything great within the department. Something felt wrong. Was this the Ministry's attempt at having someone watch over Hogwarts? Albus would never willingly allow the Ministry to interfere with the school and what better way to fool you all by sending a young, seemingly naive, trainee teacher but he was also suspiciously tight-lipped about you. _Perplexing._ It could only be because of Potter. The dark-haired man grimaced at the thought of the boy. It had crossed his mind that he could be reaching with his theory, but you were new and unknown and therefore had to be regarded with caution. If he could use Legilimency, he could clear his doubts fairly quickly, but it appeared you were a brick wall. _What are you hiding under that pretty exterior?_

When Severus finally came back you were at the 30-minute brewing stage. While it brewed he watched you set down the English Thyme, count the number of fire seeds you needed and place the vial of Salamandar blood neatly on the work surface. You had nimble hands; gentle enough to handle the delicacy of potion-making but strong enough for the effort it sometimes required. Brushing a stray hair behind your ear broke you from your work trance, you looked up, catching Severus staring. He snatched his eyes away, but he knew you had watched him stalk back to his desk. _Maybe if she thinks you're a creep she'll stay away from you_ , he pondered, but eventually realised he didn't need anything else on the long list of his bad qualities.

This time his willpower kept him focussed on his book and before he knew it you had finished the pepper-up potion. It was perfect. _Of course, it is_ , he thought _._

\----

"It looks fine to me," he managed to muster, though it seemed to pain him. 

_It's perfect and you know it, you grumpy bastard._

Snape had been acting odd as you brewed the potion, you could see him staring from time to time and he'd rushed off to the storeroom for 10 minutes but came back with nothing. You presumed the staring was down to him making sure you weren't messing it up.

"Is there anything else you need help with?" You watched his pupils dilate and then he moved his gaze to the floor.

"No, that'll be all." His reply was devoid of any emotion.

You took that as your signal to leave, so you managed a goodbye as the atmosphere became murky with tension; you didn't want to linger in it. As you reached the door you heard your last name, deep and broody on his palate and your thoughts sadly betrayed you. _I like how that sounds._

Glancing over your shoulder you raised an eyebrow slightly in reaction and surprisingly he uttered a "thank you." A slight smile pulled at the edges of your mouth.

"You're very welcome, Severus."

You left quickly, closed the door, and hastily made your way down the hall to your quarters. When safely inside, you pressed your back on the door and sighed. You had no idea what was going on but the intrusive thoughts while around him and the butterflies in your stomach told you nothing good would come of it. You were here for a reason. Not to flirt with your old teacher. You told yourself that once the term had started and you were busier and it would all be fine.

You didn't sleep well that night.


	4. A Shower of Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***Slight, very slight smut***

5 am and you’d already woken a few times in the night. In an irritable state, you decided to give up on sleep and take a walk around the grounds before breakfast. It was a fresh morning, a slight chill in the air but nothing your robe didn’t subdue. Breathing in deep lungfuls of air you took in the beauty of the sunrise. You felt lucky to be here, over the years there had been moments where seeing another sunrise wasn’t a promise. Some hadn’t been as lucky as you. Without really being cognizant of it, you had begun to rub at your stomach. Gently reminding yourself why you were here and why you couldn’t mess it up. If you lost Hogwarts, you weren’t sure where you would go. A heavy tear streaked down your cheek.

A deep voice cleared itself behind you and you quickly wiped your eyes. You turned round to see Hagrid holding two cups of tea. “Couldn't help but see ye out my window. Thought ye might like somethin' warm?” He smiled and passed you the tea.

In Hagrid’s hand, it had looked like an average-sized cup but you couldn’t get your hands to meet as you cradled it. That’s a lot of tea, you thought.

“Everythin' alright?” He asked as he sat down next to you.

“Couldn’t sleep.” You replied quietly. 

“Ahh. Nerves?”

“No. At least I don’t think that’s it.” You didn’t want to lie but you didn’t want to get into a serious conversation either.

He smiled, “Good, ye’ve nothin’ to be nervous about.” He patted your shoulder which nearly sent your cup flying out of your hand. “Thought Professor Snape may have spooked ye, Minerva said ye wer in a meetin’ last night.”

You chuckled, “What, that old softy?” Your voice dripped with sarcasm but you straightened up with seriousness, “I think we might actually become friends though if I’m honest, Hagrid.”

His eyebrows shot up.

“Oh come on, he’s not that bad. Trust me, I used to work for the Ministry remember? I’ve had much grumpier bosses.” You admitted. 

Hagrid laughed, probably thinking you were making it up but you really had. It’s what made you so thick-skinned.

The conversation with Hagrid was a welcomed surprise, he’d managed to interrupt and do away with the thoughts of your past. You told him of your plans to go into Hogsmeade that afternoon to get a few things for your room and he was off to help Dumbledore with something after breakfast. You didn’t ask specifics, you knew all too well that Hogwarts had its secrets. Whispers of such were always going around the Ministry but you largely ignored it.

After parting ways with Hagrid, you were in need of a shower to warm up, so headed back to your room. The hot water stung your goosebumped skin but you soon acclimatised and let the water envelope you. Lack of sleep had made your muscles feel tense and the beginning of a headache was forming in the base of your head, but the water was helping. You washed your body, skimming over the tingling sensitive skin of your stomach. There was nothing to show for your pain, no scar lay etched into your skin but it's not like you needed one to remember.

Your hands slid between your legs and the tingle under your fingers was a different sort. Maybe it would help with the tension? Letting your fingers linger, you leaned your other hand on the wall to steady yourself and began delving deeper, setting a steady rhythm of circles; your breath hitched and you heard your own moan echo along the shower walls. Head lulling forward and working your way to release, your mind wandered; it would usually go to a familiar scenario in these moments. Today, however, the figure in your imagination, the one pressed up against your back, kissing your neck was Severus. You pulled your hand away immediately and groaned in frustration. Clearing your mind you tried again but all too quickly Severus was back, squeezing your breast as he slid his hand down your skirt. Your eyes snapped open and you gave up. Not that it wasn’t working. It very much was and that was a problem. You rinsed the conditioner from your hair and got out of the shower. The tension in your body had now worsened and between your legs throbbed with frustration.

Huffing around your room as you got yourself dressed and did your hair you tried to reason with yourself. So you were attracted to him, that doesn’t mean anything, you barely knew the man. But it would be a lot simpler if you were just scared of him like your peers used to be. You weren’t though; irritated by his attitude, for sure, but not scared. You knew real fear.

How do you even begin dealing with a man like Severus anyway? He had always seemed so complex and you didn’t need that in your life. _But_ y _ou like a challenge_. You groaned. Sometimes you loved the way your brain worked and other times she was a beast of burden; at the moment she was the latter.

So occupied with thoughts of Severus, you almost forgot your notes for Pomona as you left; rushing back in to get them you forgot to close your door. Maybe the huge folder was overkill but it was better to be over-prepared than underprepared in your opinion. Folder firmly in hand you turned back around to leave and nearly jumped out of your skin, sending your work flying. Severus was standing in your doorway. As if you weren’t tense enough.

“Sorry, let me get those for you.” He stepped into your quarters, looking rather sheepish which you found quite cute.

Not half an hour ago you’d been imagining him kissing your neck and now here he was, in your quarters, crouched down right in front of you. You tried to help but he admonished your efforts. The ache between your legs making itself very well known once again. Thankfully he made quick work of collecting the parchments, putting them back in the folder, and passing them over. You didn’t make eye contact; apparently coming back to Hogwarts had also returned with it your teenage libido.

“Thank you,” you whispered.

“I apologise for the fright, I thought you’d have heard me.” It sounded genuine enough, you thought. 

You nodded your head, “It’s okay, I was rushing back for this.” _Because I was thinking about you in a compromising position._

You shook the folder in your hand, "It's probably why I didn’t hear you” _Because I was too busy wondering how to deal with you, you broody bastard._

You looked at him and admitted to yourself that you really did find him very attractive. The way his hair framed his face. The broadness of his shoulders. His tapered waist. His soft-looking lips. _Oh my Godric, y/n_. You felt ridiculous.

“Did you need something?” You blurted out to stop your mind from wandering any farther.

He furrowed his brows at you.

“You were in my doorway, remember? Right before I had a mini-stroke.” You tried not to sound too cross about the shock.

“Oh, no not particularly. Just thought we’d walk up to breakfast.” He replied, far more relaxed than usual. _Weird._

Oh. He wanted to walk to breakfast with you. _He’s your colleague, he’s being polite. That’s all this is._

You nodded and headed for the door and he followed a few paces behind. The pain in your leg had started to make itself a nuisance as you walked too fast, eager to avoid an awkward conversation.

“You’re limping.” He said, with seemingly real concern in his voice. Ignoring his observation, you carried on walking but he grabbed your elbow to slow you down.

“It’s fine, honest,” you lied to reassure him, “it’s just an old injury that flares up. I don’t think the damp of the dungeons is helping though, it’s been worse since I arrived at Hogwarts.”

“Yes, I have noticed it before.” He said, looking you over, “What was the original injury?”

“It was crushed in a building collapse. The bones completely shattered. Nothing Skele-gro couldn’t fix but it’s never been quite right since.” You sighed, thinking how much easier just basic activities used to be. Now you had to think about the consequences. 

“I imagine that was extremely painful.” Sympathetic tendencies probably didn’t come all too often to Snape but he sounded like he actually was. This was turning out to be a very odd morning.

“It was. It was also the beginning of the end of my Auror career, so doubly painful.” The conversation was getting awfully deep but you didn’t feel uncomfortable telling him, however you did want to lighten the mood. Dwelling on it now would do no good. “Also meant I could never play quidditch again”

“Quidditch? Were you good?”

You smiled, “No, I was bloody awful. The work league took it as the perfect opportunity to get rid of me. Gits.”

Severus shook his head at you but you could see a smile. You both kept to a slower pace for the rest of the journey, for which you were grateful.

When you arrived at breakfast, the ache in your leg had started to subside but your headache from earlier had not, and hearing Lockhart’s voice only made you want to turn back and return to your bed. Seating yourself next to Hagrid, you did your absolute best to avoid Lockhart’s attention and your absolute worst to avoid Snape’s. Both failed

“Ah, y/n, I have the perfect plan for us.” Lockhart chimed as he locked in on you.

“You have found some time for us to plan?” You asked eagerly.

He flapped his hand around in some kind of uncoordinated protest, “No, no much more exciting than that,” _I doubt it, -_ “Hagrid mentioned you need to go shopping and as I am going to Diagon Alley today for my book signing, what better way to start as my assistant than to come to assist me with it? You can browse the shops whilst we are there. Isn’t it a fantastic idea?”

The table fell into an awkward silence when you didn’t answer him. You were not his assistant or his lackey and if he wasn’t going to treat you with respect he could shove his wand where the sun didn't shine.

“She is not your personal assistant, Professor Lockhart,” Severus’ voice glided through the silence like a knife through butter, serious, with undertones of irritation - “Miss y/n is here to finish her training. If you do not plan to use her time wisely, I am very sure she could be put to better use in another subject.”

Whilst you were grateful for the backup, it had only made things seem more awkward as the table now eyed both of you.

“I meant no offense,” he stuttered, clearly quite threatened by Severus, “simply an expedition into Diagon Alley, we could, of course, talk about work at the same time, Professor Snape.”

You rolled your eyes and cleared your throat, “Professor Lockhart, I am here you know?”

Minerva smirked, she was never one to be undermined by a man and you weren’t about to be either. Severus looked pretty smug, you suppose you shouldn’t chastise him too much, he was just trying to help. Likely to put you on even terms after getting him out of the conversation with Lockhart last night.

“I have a meeting with Pomona straight after breakfast. I do in fact need to make some purchases and Diagon Alley is probably the better place to do that. _However_ , I will not be going until my meeting is over, I will not be your assistant and hold books and we will talk about work. Do we have a deal, Professor Lockhart?” The tension that had been bubbling all morning inside of you seemed to pop as you vented at Lockhart.

Lockhart flashed you a smile, “You won’t be disappointed.” _I highly doubt that_.

“Splendid,” Dumbledore added as if he part of the whole process.

Thankfully chatter started back up and you could eat your breakfast. You thanked Severus for his efforts and he nodded in response. At least you had a common interest or disinterest in this case. Gilderoy Lockhart.


	5. Diagon Alley

Before you could apparate to Diagon Alley, you had to walk off Hogwarts grounds; you kept it slow this time, although you wished you could go faster. Lockhart talked all the bloody way. Mainly about himself and his work; he did briefly touch upon your ex Auror status but only as a measure to say he could never be an Auror. He possessed the skills, obviously, but he couldn’t be tied down by all that bureaucracy and red tape. You didn’t even bother to stop your eyes from rolling, you'd heard that before. Usually from macho type Wizards who were definitely compensating for something. 

Lockhart was cutting it fine in making it to his signing but he had been very insistent that he would wait for you. Reluctantly, when you arrived, you headed straight to Flourish and Blotts; you were hoping to at least use the opportunity to browse the shelves and maybe get a new book or two. Having to use the back door so Lockhart could make his grand entrance did have a perk; it saved you from being crushed by the crowd. Many of which were women and children. You stalked around into the main part of the shop as Lockhart checked himself over in a pocket mirror; checking he had nothing in his teeth and perfecting his curls.

It was a frenzy in the main section, you had to squeeze to get through and tolerate dirty looks from some of the women who thought you were trying to push in front of them. _Lady, please. Have him!_ The stand showcasing Gilderoy’s new book, “Marvellous Me” _,_ was too showy and completely cringe-inducing. It was perfectly Lockhart.

Then the crowd seemed to get even more excited as Lockhart came into view. He sat down next to the pictures of himself, they were winking and flashing white smiles. While he was in the back of the shop he had added a Wizard’s hat to his ensemble and you heard whispers of how good his suit looked on him. The cut of the suit was nice but you thought it would look better in a darker colour, possibly black. The Forget-Me-Not blue made him look like a sweetie. A sickly sweetie.

The flash of the camera and the subsequent smoke clouds irritated you and you tried to move out of the crowd as best you could. Then you heard Lockhart excitedly exclaim, “It can’t be Harry Potter”.

You would be a liar if you said your ears didn’t perk at the name of the boy. After all, he was the boy who lived; intrigue would always follow him. Mostly. you felt sorry for the boy, he'd never be able to do anything without someone knowing. You watched the exchange; Lockhart whispered something in Harry's ear and then took his hand to shake; smoke filled the crowd again as the photographer took another picture. Eyeing Lockhart you noticed he was looking for something. _Or someone_. _Shit._

You weren't one for attention, so when Lockhart shouted your name you tried to shrink into the crowd but it was no use, he had picked you out and summoned you to him. Everyone’s eyes were now on you and you thought trying to run away would be more awkward and inevitably fail, so you walked over to him, keeping your head firmly down. Whispers from all directions as you did so.

Lockhart grabbed your hand and pulled you next to him.

“Ladies and gentleman. When young Harry here stepped into Flourish and Blotts today, he only wanted to buy my autobiography – which I shall be happy to present him now, free of charge.”

The crowd applauded and you clapped lightly to not stand out any more than you already were. This was your worst nightmare. You watched as Lockhart gave Harry a little shake, sending his glasses sliding down his nose. Your eyes skimmed over the scar on his forehead and you gave him a reassuring smile, the poor boy looked bewildered.

His speech continued, “He and his fellows will, in fact, be getting the real, magical me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have great pleasure and pride in announcing that, this September, I will be taking up the post of the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I will also be joined by my lovely new assistant f/l/n.”

You felt your eyes bulge at the mention of your name. _The absolute nerve of this man._ His hand snaked around your waist, pulling you closer for another photo. Smiling nervously at the camera the flash shot a stream of glowing orbs into your eyes. Both you and Harry blinked a few times to get your vision back, Lockhart must have been used to as he didn't look phased at all. In fact, Lockhart immediately grabbed a stack of books and passed them to Harry, it was so tall it looked like it might topple the skinny boy over. 

Harry shuffled over to a small ginger-haired girl in the corner and emptied the books into her cauldron, then you spotted another boy, hair so blonde it was almost white. You didn’t need a second glance to realise he was probably a Malfoy; you had seen his father around the Ministry from time to time. His presence had always put you on edge. The conversation looked tense but you were pulled away as Lockhart started talking into your ear.

“Wasn’t that absolutely splendid, my dear? Bet you never thought you’d be having your photo with me and Harry Potter, eh?” His breath hit your skin and you shivered in disgust.

Not wanting to cause a scene in front of everyone you held in your anger. You mangled out a smile and told him his fans were waiting. He seemed delighted. With the queue being so long you knew you had time to escape to go shopping now, you told him you’d be back at 4.30 when the signing was due to end.

Exiting the book shop you breathed deeply, the air had become so stifling in there. You pushed your shoulders back, hearing a few pops and cracks, and headed down the cobbled street. Browsing the shop windows as you walked, you stopped outside Scrivenshaft’s, you thought you might get yourself a pretty quill holder for your desk. Liking a few different options, you finally settled on a beautiful silver holder with a silver and blue quill to match.

The afternoon drew on, you purchased a variety of elegant candles, some for use and some for show, and some cushions to give a pop of colour on the small sofa school had provided you with. You had stopped for lunch at The Leaky Cauldron, eating in a corner by yourself, it was surprisingly relaxing. Sharing all your meals with a group of people every day was quite exhausting now you were an adult.

Not needing much else you decided to just take a quick look at some clothes, not that you needed any more, but you wanted to kill some more time. Twilfitt and Tatting was a bit snooty for you usually but you went in out of curiosity. L _et's see what the snobs are wearing this season_. Looking around you thought It wasn’t too bad actually, you liked some of it but most of it was out of your price range. A lot of your own clothes had been bought in muggle shops and you had just “witched” them up so you didn’t stick out.

“Miss l/n.”

You spun around at hearing your name and there towering over you, dressed in all black leather and velvet, was Lucius Malfoy. He looked like a vampire from a muggle film you had once seen. It wouldn't surprise you if he actually was a vampire.

“Ex Auror turned Gilderoy Lockhart’s assistant, how very odd.” His voice was like silk but it made you shiver in all the wrong ways as his eyes trailed your body.

“Mr…?” You knew his name but why give him the satisfaction? 

“Malfoy. Lucius Malfoy.” He scowled and gripped his cane harder.

“Mr. Malfoy, I’m afraid _you_ are slightly misunderstood. I am not his assistant, I will be teaching alongside him at Hogwarts to finish my training.” Your heart was racing a little, he was quite an intimidating man but you reminded yourself that you had dealt with much worse. 

“Ah, I see. Well, a pretty young thing such as yourself will do very well _underneath_ him I am sure.” You couldn’t help but blush at his insinuation but he didn’t give you the time to reply “My son is Draco Malfoy, I am sure you will soon realise he is a very talented young Wizard and you will treat him as such,” _Urgh, -_ “good day, Miss l/n.”

You nodded your head in response, “Mr. Malfoy.” 

You wanted to go back to Hogwarts. You headed through the streets back to Flourish and Blotts, picked out a few interesting-looking books, and hid in a corner to read while Lockhart finished his signing. He wanted to stick around and have dinner together but you said you were feeling unwell and wanted to get back. He fretted over you being ill and braided his arm with your own and apparated you back to Hogwarts.

Refusing to let go of you, in case you fainted, his arm remained crossed with your own all the way back to the castle. You tried to protest that you would be fine to go back to your room by yourself but he insisted he would escort you, make sure Madam Pomfrey was informed and that food was brought to your quarters. Well, at least he wasn’t completely self-absorbed, you thought.

True to his word, he walked you all the way to your door. “Thank you for your glorious company, y/n. Having a beautiful lady by my side is always a pleasure. I'm sorry you're not well.”

Compliments were not your strong point and you squirmed under his gaze.

With your arms still laced together, Lockhart pushed a piece of hair behind your ear, an action that made you stiffen with anxiety. You were just about to pull away and bid him goodnight when Severus stepped out of his quarters, immediately locking his eyes on the situation. He pressed his lips together but his face remained stoic, he bounded past you uttering to keep your private lives out of the hallways.

Lockhart chuckled but you were in no laughing mood, you said good night and rushed into your room. Locking the door behind you. You knew how this looked. Like Lockhart had won you over. Only yesterday you were showing your distaste for the idiot, now he was at your chamber doors, stroking your hair. What a fool you must look. You briefly thought that you should go explain but then again, why should you? You didn’t owe Severus anything. But the pit in your stomach and the slight ache in your chest betrayed any rational thought.

Food did arrive and Dumbledore came down to check everything was fine, you lied and said it was, blaming it on your tiredness. Later on in the evening, you heard loud steps down the hallway and Severus’ door slam shut. Something over dinner must have irked him and you decided that an explanation for that little scene earlier was the least of his worries.


	6. The Potion Master's Confusion

SLAM

Snape was over-reacting, he knew he was but damn it, he needed an outlet for his frustration. How had he let you get under his skin in less than a week? He didn’t know the answer, but he knew it stopped now.

It’s as if the day itself was out to test him. Watching you leave with Lockhart in the morning left him with the all too familiar pangs of jealousy in his chest. He knew it was ridiculous, he had no right or reason to be jealous but there it was and it irritated him. So much so, Snape had spent most of his day in a horrible mood and even snappier than usual. When Madam Pomfrey had enquired about the excursion Lockhart was taking you on, he had spat out that he did not know, nor did he care. It’s something he’d allow himself to do to a student but he’d usually be able to curtail his aggravations towards teachers.

Staff now dined in the Great Hall again, so once he had escaped Madame Pomfrey’s questioning he headed to sit by himself, not interested in the dull conversation. Sitting farther apart must have made the other teachers bolder as he heard Hagrid mutter to Flitwick, “Y/n called him an old softy this morning, said they’d be friends. Not sure she knows what she’s talkin’ bout.”

He spent the whole affair wishing he had eaten in his chambers.

For the rest of the afternoon, his focus was almost none existent. Hagrid was right, you had no idea what you were talking about. Softness was not something he felt could ever be used to describe him, he wasn’t raised with it and had never subscribed to it in his adult life. A friendship or any other type of relationship was out of the question. Any warmness he had shown towards you was stupid; they were moments of weakness on his part and they could not continue. Would not continue. Severus knew he didn’t want to drag someone else’s life into the gutter with his own. If he truly felt any care for you then keeping you at a distance was the only option in his mind. Whether he liked it or not.

As the sun waned so did Severus; he was restless. After some more moaning to himself he decided to go for a walk around the halls; enjoy the calmness of them before the pupils were back to chip away at the last fleck of patience he had with their obnoxious chatter, mind-numbing problems, and rampant hormones.

Leaving his room, he almost wished his eyes had deceived him. There you were, arm entwined with Lockhart’s as he pushed hair behind your ear. That bitter feeling of jealousy weighed down heavier this time. You saw him, made eye contact, was that shock? Embarrassment? Whatever it was, he didn’t need to linger to know where a moment like this was going. He’d seen it before.

He had wanted to retreat but felt that looked weak, so he pushed his body into motion and strode past you.

“Please keep your personal affairs out of school corridors.” He snipped, not even looking your way; he heard Lockhart’s repulsive chuckling and held in the urge to turn around and stupefy the idiot.

After some time, Dumbledore’s office door came into his view, he wasn’t really sure why he was there but that’s where the corridors had led him tonight. Knocking on the large door, Severus waited for Dumbledore to let him in and he did so with a watchful eye. Annoyingly the man was beyond perceptive and having known the younger man for many years, could pick up on his frustrations far quicker than Severus liked.

“Good evening, Severus.”

“I don’t think Miss y/l/n should be involved in my potion classes.” He shot out. Dumbledore’s eyebrow raised.

“I thought her planning was going well, Severus?” He asked concerned.

“With _everything_ else going on, Albus, I don’t think I have the time to make sure she’s not running amuck in my classes. It would actually just be easier for me to teach. By myself.” He was only partly lying. Working in such close proximity with someone else might end up working against him, especially when he needed privacy. 

Albus nodded his head in thought, “You know she has a keen interest in potions though?”

“It’s unfortunate.” He grimaced at his own petulance but the last time he had been put in a position like this, his anger and jealousy had got the better of him. Snape felt it best to nip it in the bud before the flower bloomed and engulfed him.

Dumbledore pondered, his fingers tapping on his desk. A knock at the door overpowered the noise of his tapping though; he summoned them in.

“Ah, Severus, good evening, old boy.”

Lockhart! His voice made Severus’ jaw clench and the tap to his shoulder made his wand hand itch. _I will still happily wound you, you fool._

“What can I help you with Gilderoy?” Albus asked, not missing the glare Severus was burning into the back of the blonde-haired man's head. 

“y/n has taken to her chambers feeling quite unwell…”

Ill? Severus immediately felt himself worry. What had that swine done to you?

“I tried to find Madam Pomfrey but no such luck but thought I’d better let someone know. Not that I couldn’t have handled it, of course...” Dumbledore’s eyes flicked back to Severus again; a considerable tension buzzing between the two men in his office. Though Lockhart was completely oblivious to it. “..I think she was just overwhelmed by the day but just to be safe.”

“Thank you, Gilderoy, I will check on her personally as soon as I have finished my meeting with Severus.” He assured.

“Excellent. Thank you, Albus. Well, good night both.” With that, Gilderoy swanned out of the room, leaving far too much of his cologne behind.

Dumbledore sighed. He knew there was more to it but was not in the position to push Severus more than he already was. You'd still stay if Potions was no longer an option, though not as happily he imagined. Albus couldn't risk Severus deviating.

“The decision is yours, Severus. I trust you will make the right one.”

Severus was unsure what that decision would be. If he was being honest, he wasn’t sure why it had been his first thought. He had no want to ruin your chances of working in the Potions department, but getting rid of the problem entirely was always his first reaction. 

Skulking back to the dungeons, Severus felt the ghosts of his past lying in wait in the shadows of the castle. So much pain. Too many bad decisions made here. With little escape from any of them. Chastising himself for being sucked back into feeling pathetic and powerless he let anger build in his chest. It’s as if he could hear the taunts, feel the shame of his retaliations, see the disappointment in Lily’s eyes and as he passed your chamber doors he replayed the moment with Lockhart and snapped.

\----------------

SLAM

Snape was over-reacting, he knew he was but damn it, he needed an outlet for his frustration. How had he let you get under his skin in less than a week? He didn’t know the answer, but he knew it stopped now.


	7. I Need A Witness

Sitting in the Great Hall for your morning meal reminded you of your teenage years; gossiping with friends and looking out for the latest love interest. You realised it wasn't that much different, except you had a better view of the person you were looking for and it was the teachers gossiping in your ear.

You told yourself you were going to be an adult about it. You had done nothing wrong and nothing had happened and even if it had, what's it his business? Yes, you would look like a hypocrite but that would be it. It's not like Severus would be interested in your romantic relationships. Why would he?

You were pushing around some bacon on your plate when he walked in, all billowing robes and broody stares. It made your stomach tighten. Yes, you were going to be an adult about it but you could also be nervous too. The fact that your stomach seemed to do all sorts of weird and wonderful tricks when he was around, pissed you off; you had no space for these types of feelings. He bounded up the few stairs to the top table which made your stomach wind up tighter. He was holding something but you couldn't quite tell what it was; you didn't need to wonder about it for too long though, as it hit the table right in front of you.

"Well done, Miss l/n, you have joined the school's celebrity ranks." In front of you, on the front page of The Daily Prophet, stood Lockhart, Harry Potter, and you, smiling in Flourish and Blotts. You were speechless. He leered down over you, "Do what you will in your personal time, but keep your head out of the clouds when you are assisting me and keep your rendezvous to your private quarters."

He gave you no time to reply as he brushed past your chair and sat on the end of the row, immediately conversing with Professor Burbage.

You felt like a child and like a child a surge of anger hit you. _Where does he get the gall? Where do any of these men get their gall? Severus, Lockhart, and Lucius._ They were all infuriating. The term hadn't even started yet and you were tired. That's it, it was time to focus on yourself and work. They were simply your colleagues; you'd be polite like a colleague and that would be all they would get from you.

Lockhart plopped himself in the seat next to you as you sat inwardly seething. "You've seen it then?" He said gesturing to the paper.

"Yes, I have seen it, Professor Lockhart." You spat back. _Obviously._

"Look how good we look. Fantastic publicity for the book and the school. The Potter boy doesn't have to buy his books now either."

You were confused. "His books?"

"Well yes, all my books are on this year's reading list." He said proudly.

You couldn't believe it. You didn't own a single one and had never intended to read them either. However, you were in no position to argue it. _Has_ _Dumbledore really approved this_? This was madness, what were they going to learn from fiction?

"I'll have signed copies sent to your room this afternoon. Only the best for the best." He said then winked.

With your breakfast feeling like it might make a reappearance, and his hand moving ever closer to yours, you excused yourself, before you stabbed him in the offending appendage.

Tomorrow the students would arrive and you could settle into the year. You told yourself that over and over throughout the day as you busied yourself with lesson plans and last-minute reading. Only leaving your quarters for food.

The year did not get off to a flying start. Well, technically it did for two boys. You were heading to the Great Hall, ready for the first years to be sorted into their houses when a hand grabbed your elbow and pulled you away from your destination.

"Come with me!" You knew who it was before even looking. Severus. "I need a witness, " he exclaimed bitterly. 

_A witness? What the bloody hell is he going to do? At least I'm the witness and not the victim._

"I'm meant to be at the feast, Professor Snape." You had decided formal names were back on the table as you tried to continue on as planned.

"As am I," he quickly replied, "don't worry, no one will notice you're not there for now."

"Rude." You complained and pulled your arm from his and reluctantly followed. He'd only come and drag you back if you left, the stubborn bastard.

"Yes, I am. Get used to it."

Within seconds he was dipping his head in and out of rooms, as you propelled down a hallway and then up a stairwell and that's when he stopped. You followed his eye line to an open door. Snape threw himself into motion again, _suppose I'm following then._ As you got closer you could hear voices; Snape looked at you and pressed his finger to his lips and listened.

"Maybe he's left because he missed out on the Defence Against the Dark Arts job _again?"_ The first voice said. He sounded young.

"Or he might have been sacked" came the other voice, "I mean, everyone hates him..."

He stepped in, you heard his voice low and cold; it sent shivers up your own spine so those poor boys must have been terrified. "Or maybe he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train. Follow me."

Snape stalked back out into the corridors, followed by Harry Potter and a redhead boy you think you recognised from yesterday, at Flourish and Blotts.

"Professor y/l/n," Snape called and you followed behind the boy. You weren't really sure why you were here, punishing these two boys was far beyond your remit.

You walked down to the dungeons in silence. The two boys looked as pale as the castle ghosts as you entered Snape's office; which you realised you'd never been in before.  
It was much like the rest of the dungeon; cold, drab, and covered in glass jars of who knows what. Probably things that are forbidden by the Ministry.

"So the train isn't good enough for the famous Harry Potter and his sidekick Weasley? Wanted to arrive with a bang, did we, boys?"

Snape looked like a viper ready to bite as he let loose his aggression. Whatever had happened last year seemed to have left Snape with a remarkable dislike for these boys. You didn't know what to do, you didn't like the way he was acting but you had no authority in the situation.

They tried to answer back but he hissed at them. "Silence. What have you done with the car?"

 _Car? You can't drive to Hogwarts._ You now found yourself very intrigued and listened to Snape, hopeful of a moment to rein him in.

Pulling out a newspaper, Snape read out the article. "Flying Ford Anglia Mystified muggles..."

You listened on, he seemed to take great pride in catching them out; it was petty and completely over the top. Clenching your fists as he laid into them more and stalked around his desk, you could have happily punched him at that moment.

You felt extremely sorry for both boys. Yes, they'd broken a fair few laws, nearly destroyed the Whomping Willow, and then got caught outside of the feast dragging Snape's name through the mud. However, they were only trying to get to school, the damage was accidental and you thought Snape thoroughly deserved the boy's harsh words. He seemed worse now than when you were at school.

Snape finally stopped and went off to get Minerva, being their head of house, she had to give the boys their punishment.

"Watch them," he had said sternly, looking over at you for the first time. You nodded your reply but turned your gaze from him.

The boys shuffled in suspense, you all knew this could easily lead to their expulsion. Harry must have recognised you because he took a few sheepish glances and the Weasley boy followed his eye-line. You were fairly sure there was a Weasley or two when you were at school, younger than you, but quite well known. Not wanting them to be scared of you, you smiled at them.

"Don't tell anyone I said it, boys, but a flying car? That's pretty cool." You whispered; they both smiled back and seemed to relax. It only lasted a few minutes though, when Snape came back with Minerva they immediately tensed up again.

You watched it all play out and actually you were quite glad he had dragged you along. Disciplining the students would be something you'd eventually have to do and getting some first-hand experience of it, Hogwarts style, was helpful. You definitely took on board Minerva and Dumbledore's ways and ignored Snape's. Fear had never been and was never going to be your strategy.

Dumbledore had then ordered both you and Snape to the feast, musing over a custard tart he wanted to sample. He also announced both your and Lockhart's arrival at the school. There was a lot of whispering from the star-struck pupils.

"...saw them all in the Daily Prophet..."

"...my mom says she's so lucky..."

_Great._

After eating far too much you left the feast feeling tired and confused. Snape eyed you inquisitively but after his display earlier you didn't feel you needed to hide your disdain for him. What the hell had happened to him to make him so bitter?

\----

Severus watched as you left the Great Hall. It was working, he thought. He had never been particularly nice to students, you must have known that from your own time there, but you needed reminding how despicable he was. Then there would be no jokes, no smiles, no friendship and you wouldn't have to be dropped from potions; you wouldn't have to be disappointed. It left a heavy feeling in his chest but it was best for everyone.


	8. The Last Resort

Teaching was definitely something you loved. You were finding it both exhilarating and exhausting. Sadly, the general day-to-day and planning in the evenings didn't leave much time for yourself, not that there was a lot to do.

Monday you had worked all day with Pomona in Herbology. Teaching half of the second years about Mandrakes and demonstrating how to pull and pot them. You had the other half of the year next week, where you would take the lesson by yourself.

Then you had led a lecture on the Bubotuber plant. The fourth-year students found it all very disgusting and were only interested in it when you told them it helps relieve acne. Annoyingly, they were far more interested in knowing if Professor Lockhart was your boyfriend.

No, you thought. Lockhart was more like a cousin you only saw at Christmas; the kind that would brag about his toys then cry to his Mom when you upset him. You'd been with him in the Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons yesterday and today and that was enough. Enough for you to seriously wonder how he got the job.

He'd let a swarm of Cornish Pixies get out of hand on Monday, leaving Harry, Ron, and Hermione dealing with them, or so the rumour went. Everything from him there on was just the theory, leaving you to demonstrate all the spells and charms. He had said it was to help your training. _Yeah right._ Hopefully, the Lockhart bubble would pop and they'd realise he was probably a better storyteller than he was a wizard but you weren't about to hold your breath.

Nor would you bet on him ceasing in propositioning you to dinner or other excursions around the castle. And if he called you "dear" or "love" one more time, you thought you might hex his shampoo. _He'd look delightful with green hair_ _or maybe no hair at all._

It was now Wednesday night and you had curfew rounds that evening, which meant you could not wind down after organising your next day like you had the last 2 nights. You resorted to putting on some music to keep yourself awake enough for your upcoming duties. An old enchanted gramophone played your muggle favourites. The music was soothing and it reminded you of something you needed to do. Sitting at your desk you picked up your quill and wrote to Stephanie Strawhorn. She had remained a loyal friend since meeting at school but being so wrapped up with Beauxbatons and now Hogwarts, you had let the friendship slide.

You asked her how she was, what was happening at work, the usual and in turn, filled her in on your situation. You even found yourself mentioning Snape in the letter. Disappointment hung over you as you put his name on paper. His friendship was appealing, at the beginning at least, but now you weren't so sure. Nevertheless, you couldn't help miss his presence on your walks from the dungeon or the sharing of disgruntled glares because of Lockhart. Or making him smile. You sighed; he had looked so forlorn this past week, moping around when you saw him at mealtimes. His back hunched over when he thought no one was around in the corridors. It made you want to understand why he could be so bitter and harsh; there had to be a reason. Maybe it was the war, you speculated as you lay in bed the previous night. It had ruined so many families, so many lives. Not that you would ever find out, you were practically incommunicado now and he wasn't exactly the type of person to open up. His evasion of you didn't stop him staring at you from time to time though, you only knew that because you had found yourself seeking him out, too. Berating yourself every time.

Tomorrow and Friday you would spend a good part of your day with him. You had planned for his lessons more meticulously than the others, telling yourself it was because you were worried about making a mistake, but deep down you still wanted to impress him, which didn't make sense to you.

When 10.15 rolled around, you were tired but it was time to go start your checks. You exited your room, took out your wand, and whispered, "Lumos," then set off.

Hogwarts was hundreds of years old, even without any human activity the castle seemed to make its own noises. Drips and drops. Taps and knocks. But not 10 minutes into your rounds, you noticed a constant noise, it sounded like footsteps, but they were going far too fast for a student. They'd start, then stop, start, then stop again.

"If there's someone there, you'd better make yourself known" You scolded in your sternest teacher voice. "It's way past curfew, better to come out now and admit it, than have me chase you." _Please don't make me chase you._

"Shhh!" One of the portraits hissed. Lowering your wand slightly as not to annoy her anymore, you apologised then continued to follow the noise; it was getting louder but you couldn't see anything. There was something else. _A bell?_

"I'm giving you one more chance. Show yourself." Your voice was a mixture of annoyance and apprehension.

Out of nowhere, two orange eyes appeared. You jumped back, left hand holding your chest whilst your right held out your wand.

"Peeves, you absolute imbecile!" The castle poltergeist/hooligan was dancing on the spot in front of you. He was harmless but bloody annoying.

The little fool laughed wickedly and jaunted around you, singing a stupid rhyme. "Oh really, really, imbeciley?"

"Piss off, Peeves." You spat at him.

"Oooh rude one, hmmm...NO." He shouted whilst proceeding to jump circles around you and then pop out from different directions.

"Not terrorised the first-years enough today?" Even if you could grab him, you doubted you could catch the little bastard anyway. He was too fast! Graciously, he started throwing in the odd raspberry for good measure.

Starting to feel dizzy, you gave up. _Idiot._

You decided to carry on with your checks, he'd soon get bored of being ignored. As soon as you started walking away he starting singing, out of tune, "Somebody likes you, guess who?" Dark and broo..."

"Quiet your noise, spirit." Snape's voice boomed down the hallway. _How the hell does he keep sneaking up on me? He must levitate instead of walk._

"ddddyyyyy."

"I said quiet!" Snape's voice was beyond irritated, - "Shall I go get the Baron, you pest?"

The dark-haired man was clearly in no mood for games. Peeve's dancing ceased. He scowled at Snape then disappeared off down the corridor; blowing a raspberry as his parting gift. Silence fell on the hallway and neither of you made a move to carry on.

_Why are you here? Are you following me now?_

Closing your eyes. You tried it. You had to. But nothing.

"Stop that." His voice dripped with anger but he didn't go above a whisper.

Your eyes flew open. Playing dumb wouldn't work, you knew that but you didn't really have much else to work with now.

"Stop what?" You asked carefully and readjusted your wand in your slightly clammy palm.

"Don't. Play. Games." In a flash, he had grabbed your elbow, turned, and pushed you against the cold stone walls of the castle. It jutted awkwardly into your spine; you pushed back against Snape's immense force as you raised your wand to the side of his neck.

Your heart was pounding. _What the hell is going on?_

"If you stick a wand at my neck you better be prepared to use it." He hissed, so close, his warm breath hit your cheeks as he did so.

"Throw me up a wall, what do you expect?" You bit back with the same intensity, teeth bared.

"You're a Legilimens." It wasn't a question, he knew now. _Idiot._ When you hesitated he pushed you into the wall further.

"Yes!" You almost yelled back as the pain in your spine pulsated through you.

" _Who_ taught you?" His eyes remained locked with your own. He was asking you but he was trying to look too. 

_Not a chance._

Huffing, you pushed his body but he didn't move; his frame far larger than your own. "No one. I was born with it."

Somehow he got closer and pushed back even harder, "Lies."

Your next words came out in breathy gusts, "It's true. My Great Grandmother. She was born with it too. I swear."

You retracted your wand in the hopes that it would calm him down enough to listen. Why were you finding this so exhilarating? Snape eased off your chest but remained in your face. His pale features the only thing you could make out.

" _What_ were you looking for? _How_ many times have you tried?"

"This is the first time I've tried. You know that." You replied, still catching your breath.

Silence filled the space between you again. The only sound was your heavy breaths mingling together. Your eyes met; his so dark you could barely make them out, "I've felt you, you know? At first, I thought it was Dumbledore but it was you, wasn't it?" You whispered, piecing it together.

The pulling feeling you'd experienced at a few mealtimes, it was him, but why? No one had tried to use it on you for so long that you'd almost forgotten the sensation. Snape must have been highly skilled though because it had only been a subtle whisper of a feeling.

Pushing yourself off the wall you felt your chest graze his and your heart thumped harder, but you didn't want to acknowledge why. For a brief moment, you had been afraid of him but it had dissipated. He wasn't going to hurt you.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He replied coldly.

"Now who's lying?" You asked as you poked his chest, "You only did it in front of others so I wouldn't know who it was. Don't treat me like an idiot, Severus."

He looked away. An admission of guilt.

A shiver hit you harshly; the heat of the moment left your body, resulting in vibrations through your jaw and teeth. "Severus, I am freezing and have to finish my rounds. I'll happily talk to you about this somewhere warmer and at a more appropriate time."

He didn't look back at you or try to move. A war raging behind those dark eyes.

"Severus." You warned, firmly. You were leaving whether he liked it or not. 

He unclenched his jaw and stepped to the side, letting you pass.

"And stop following me!" You warned and walked off down the hallway.

Severus didn't move for a few moments and then marched in the opposite direction.


	9. Consent Is Important

You woke the next morning surprisingly calm and intrigued. Something about you had worried Snape and you decided to make it your goal to figure out what that was. A need to understand his behaviour from last night firmly set in your mind. Lying on your back you stared at the ceiling playing the night over in your head.

Yes, you were a Legilimens. So was he. In your opinion any smart Legilimens should learn Occlumency; once you’ve been allowed to wander through someone’s thoughts and memories, you realise how much your own need protecting. You were born a Legilimens but you had painstakingly trained your Occlumency. So had he, clearly. At least you were on equal footing, you thought.

Suspiciousness around the skill was of course understandable considering the invasiveness of the practice. Admittedly you shouldn’t have tried to use it on him but then he shouldn’t have tried it with you either. What was he trying to find? Shifting your position in bed your forehead creased with thought.

You were just going to have to be blunt about it. You said you would discuss it and he better give you answers in return. First things first though, you thought, you need to make him regret his little display of strength last night. _Even though you quite liked it?_ You bit your bottom lip and closed your eyes. _No. Time to get up._

Throwing off the covers your skin developed goosebumps from the chill of the dungeon air. You stretched out the stiffness in your leg and headed for the bathroom to shower. It was probably going to have to be a cold one.

Primed and ready for the day you arrived at the Great Hall for breakfast, saying hello to students you had met through the week so far. Your reception to the school had been warm. Okay, they thought you might be Lockhart’s girlfriend but you knew that rumour would die down soon enough; if not, you’d just have to do something about it.

You don’t know why but you felt confident; you probably shouldn’t after last night but your body hummed with energy as student and staff alike greeted you. With that confidence filling your veins you headed straight for Snape and sat down next to him.

“Good morning, Professor, lovely morning isn’t it?” You flashed him a smile.

He looked surprised, suspiciously questioning you. “Is it, Miss l/n?” 

“I think so.” You replied simply and smiled again. 

He let out a throaty gruff and carried on eating. You looked around, teachers were eating and talking and no one had yet to occupy the seat next to you. Students wouldn’t be able to see you due to the table blocking their view. 

_Perfect timing._

You poured some coffee into a mug and sipped at it, side-eyeing Snape, who was doing his best to not pay attention to you. Slowly you lowered your hand down to your boot and slid your wand out, another quick glance at Snape and you could see he was throwing daggers at Harry Potter. Poor kid.

_Now’s your chance._

You raked your wand up the outside of Snape’s leg, he tensed immediately and reached for his own.

“Don’t bother,” you whispered; your voice sounded far thicker than intended.

You continued the path over his knee, his thigh, and pushed it towards his groin. He squirmed in his seat and as his face turned a shade paler and he clenched his jaw tight you inched closer. Whispering again to your now, very tense, colleague, you felt a buzz go through you.

“Strangely I quite like you, Severus, but if you ever lay a hand on me, without consent, again _,_ I _won’t_ be so self-controlled with my wand.” You pressed slightly harder for effect. It worked. Snape nodded his head in response and his cheeks flushed with crimson.

Withdrawing your wand you slipped it back into your boot and began plating yourself breakfast. _Hungry work._ You saw Snape’s hand twitching from the corner of your eye, not a nervous twitch but more of an itch to react.

“That’s the second time you have drawn your wand on me in the last 24 hours, Miss l/n. If I wanted to, I could have you dismissed from Hogwarts altogether for that.” He didn’t sound quite as angry as you thought he might and he stared ahead as he talked.

You nodded your head acknowledging his statement. “You could but you’d also have to explain why I did it.”

He huffed, “I admit I owe you an apology for my lack of physical control last night,” his voice was quiet, you imagined admitting being wrong didn't come easy to the man, - “but that being said..”

“Ah good morning, Professors.” Lockhart interrupted Snape mid-sentence with his greeting.

It was funny, he looked more annoyed at Lockhart’s disturbance than he did at you pointing your wand at his crotch.

“Good morning, ” you chimed back.

Lockhart filled his plate, sending charming smiles and raised eyebrows to the pupils; it made you feel uncomfortable. There was just something off about him. Something wrong radiating from his perfect pores.

Lockhart spoke on for a while, discussing something or other about a vampire. You were only vaguely paying attention. Snape had left 5 minutes after Lockhart sat down; his tolerance for the man was low and he made little effort to hide it. However, as always, Lockhart was completely oblivious.

You left quickly after you were finished eating wanting to get to the potions classroom to set up for the day. When you got there Snape was already setting up for the class. First years: Gryffindor and Slytherin.

“Let me guess, ” you cleared your throat, ready to deepen it, “I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even stopper death..” you mimicked as you ran your hand over your old desk.

He looked at you with an incredulous stare.

“Don’t be so surprised, Professor, I do remember my school days well. I was sat right here when you said it,” you tapped your finger lightly on the marked wood, - “I imagine it has more of an effect on the first years but I liked it all the same."

When you heard a first-year Hufflepuff student repeat the speech on Tuesday, you just gathered it was always his opening for new students. You let the memories of your school days sit in your head; how you'd sat up straight at the brooding, young potions professor's dramatic entrance. Now here he was, 10 years later, Potions Master and your colleague.

“Hmmm. I believe it was your year who first coined me, the _dungeon bat_ , Miss l/n. Do you remember that too?” He mused bitterly.

You let out a small chuckle, you did remember that too. “I do. Some boys trying to look tough but they were actually very scared of you.”

He smirked. _Of course you'd find that amusing._

“And yourself?” He asked.

 _What are you asking? Was I scared of you or am I scared of you?_ This conversation had turned out quite amusing.

“I’m not scared of you.” Your eyes locked briefly, “Have a drink with me Saturday night, you clearly have some doubts about me and I said I would talk to you about the Legilimency.”

He nodded an acceptance and turned to the storeroom.

“I believe you said you owe me an apology.” 

There was no way you were going to let him forget that. You were smirking at him, enjoying the power play. _What on earth has got into you?_

You watched as his tongue darted over his bottom lip as if the idea of apologising had completely dried out his mouth. His face remained unmoving but the usual edge in his voice seemed to soften.

“I’m sorry," he conceded.

The tension was broken by the bell ringing to signal class time. The both of you finishing up preparation quickly.


	10. Sixth Years

After two days under the watchful supervision of Snape, you were exhausted. As promised, he had let you teach the younger years and except for Seamus Finnigan's cauldron exploding in his face, it had gone well. You seemed to have a silent agreement that you wouldn't talk about anything that was happening outside of the classroom during the workday.

It was now Friday, last period, sixth-year NEWT students. They were all hormones and bravado but Snape had total control of them. You had a different perspective of his teaching now you were on the other side of the desk. No longer his pupil you admired his intelligence and his succinct guidance. However, niggling away at you was his need to be feared; he would never show pupils a sign of weakness, even though it would help him gain more of their respect. He didn't see it that way, of course. In fact, he wouldn't hear it when you brought it up with him. Stubborn. 

You watched as he explained and quizzed the pupils on the Draught of Living Death potion, then set them off on their task of trying to brew it for the first time. You looked on in amusement as Sopophorous beans were catapulted across desks.

Snape must have seen the smirk on your face as he came up behind you, "I'm surprised you're not desperate to tell them the better method."

You shrugged, "It's important they experiment. They're NEWT level now, it's not good enough to just follow instructions blindly." His reaction was one of surprise and you rolled your eyes at him, "You've only seen me teach the younger ones, they need a more nurturing hand, but I'm not as soft as you think I am."

A hand shot up.

"May I?" You asked and he nodded his head in permission.

"Professor, l/n, I'm gonna end up choppin' my finger off because of this." The lanky redhead boy moaned, his friends laughed at him and sent their beans pinging. 

"Then be very careful with your knife. Don't worry anyway, I'm sure between Professor Snape and me, we can reattach a finger or two." You waved in mock nonchalance.

He laughed nervously and his bean flew across the table again. Catching it in both hands you handed it back to him.

The poor boy blushed and smiled at you, "Professor Lockhart is so lucky." Teenage boys had the subtlety of an elephant you thought as he looked down your top, "Don't you think he's a bit old for you, Professor l/n?"

You scrunched your face up in protest, now blushing yourself. Readying yourself to chastise the pupil, was needless; Snape got there before you.

"Mr. Higgins!" Snape hissed behind you; it made your spine tingle.

"Watch your mouth AND your eye-line or you'll find yourself off this course. Do you understand?" The displeasure at the boy's display was evident and it attracted the attention of the rest of the class, though they didn't dare utter a word about it in front of their Professor.

"Yes, Professor Snape." He replied dully, dropping his head to look at the ingredients on his desk. Redder now that he'd been reprimanded for his boyish whims.

Snape walked back to the front of the classroom, eyeing the student's efforts as he went along.

The rest of the class passed without issue. Not one pupil managed to brew the potion, though that was not surprising; it was only their first attempt. They rushed out of the classroom after groaning about the sheer amount of homework Snape had set them, but at least it was finally the weekend! You heard whispers carry down the corridor, talk of Lockhart, you, and _now_ Snape. _Brilliant._

You closed the door shut, sighed, and turned, leaning your back against the door.

"I could have handled Higgins, you know?" You tried to tell him confidently.

Snape was clearing up parchments. He didn't bother to raise his head when you spoke, "I'm sure, " he nipped.

You rubbed at your forehead, he was so irritating! _What is your problem?_

"Are you doubting me?" You questioned, your arms crossing at your chest.

"I may have many doubts about you Miss, l/n, but as I have seen first hand, handling yourself isn't a problem. What _is_ a problem is a student of mine being distracted, _whatever_ that distraction may be." His eyes scanned your body.

_Now, who's distracted, Professor Snape?_

You pulled your eyes away from him, huffed, and stepped away from the door. "They're teenagers, they can't help their hormones, I'm sure you remember that. Besides, you're telling me that when you came to Hogwarts, at what? 23-24? You didn't have a few students try to sweet talk you?"

He stared at you, an unfamiliar look forming on his face. "Do I look like the type of teacher people would sweet talk?" He dropped some books on his desk which shot dust into the air - "And I was 21."

You raised your eyebrow, "Impressive...and you never know." Shrugging your shoulders you started walking towards the desk.

"Seeing as you seem to know everything, why don't you tell me? What interest did your airhead school friends have in me, exactly?" His stare was harsh, as was his tone. You had obviously struck a nerve. 

You laughed "Airheads? Wow. Rude, Severus. I hope you excluded your present company in that assessment and as for which ones...I'm sure you could have told me that for yourself."

The look on his face told you that he knew what you were talking about.

"This is a highly inappropriate conversation." He opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a folder full of parchments, "These need to be marked for Monday."

"Sure" It came out as a huff but you didn't care. Grabbing the folder you knew that conversation was over for the day, "9pm tomorrow night?"

"Fine."

_Don't sound so excited._

You walked to the door, opened it, and then found yourself hesitating to leave, Snape looked up after not hearing the door shut. "Is something the matter, Miss l/n?"

Looking at him, you could see it; he was like you. Broken but hiding behind a façade. You shook your head and left.

\-------------

Snape stared at the Potions classroom door. He was meant to be creating distance between the two of you but every time it felt like it was working something started pulling you back. Had you really not learned that he was trouble? Did accosting you in a dark hallway really not give you a reason to be afraid of him? He thought back to two nights ago; your sweet breath mixing with his own and your chest pressed into him. It shouldn't have happened but being that close to you had weakened his resolve when it came to making you hate him. 

He sat at his desk and stared at the spot you had taken to sitting yourself on when you were talking to the class. You had ignored his complaints about sitting there and carried on regardless. It had taken all his resolve not to stare at your backside while he marked the dull assignments his third-years had handed in. 

His suspicions were fading but hadn't gone, if you were playing a role, you were playing it exceptionally well. A grimace etched itself into his pale skin; he was the last person to judge someone for their lies and deceit. Vibrations of irritation pulsed through him, he marched out the classroom and up to the main part of the castle, his robes billowing behind. He avoided students as best he could and knocked on a classroom door, it opened within a few seconds.

"Minerva, good afternoon. May I have a word?"


	11. The Importance of Conversation

“Y/n.” Minerva eyed you oddly as she stood in the doorway to her quarters. 

“Good morning, Minerva. Do you have plans? I wondered if you’d like to join me for a walk this morning?” You asked, smiling hopefully.

“And the reason for this walk?” You frowned, a bit taken aback by her blunt reply, you had thought she’d take you up on the offer without hesitation. Maybe you had just caught her at a bad time.

“Er, I jus...just thought we should catch up. I’ve barely seen you all week.” Your answer was partly true, it would be nice to catch up but you were also hopeful of dropping in a few questions related to a certain Professor.

“Okay, dear. Come in.” She opened her door further and ushered you inside.

Minerva’s quarters were bright and airy compared to your own, you felt a little green with envy as you scanned your eyes over it. You watched as she put away a book and cleared up a cup of tea then slowly shuffled her cloak on.

“Okay, lead the way." Her face was a mix of confusion and concern as she looked at you.

You tried to ignore it and started heading towards the nearest exit. “How has your first week been, Minerva?”

“Much the same as every other first week back; a lot of lost first years to look after. We’ve had a few weepy ones, missing home, you know? And quite a few over-excited ones but they’ll soon settle down.” She didn’t look or sound worried. A seasoned teacher at Hogwarts, she’d probably seen everything there is to see.

As you exited the building, the fresh morning air hit you; it was a warm start to the day and it threw your memories back to being a first-year. You weren’t scared like some or tearful like others; not able to miss home as you should have.

“y/n,” Minerva’s voice pulled you out of your 11-year-old head, - “Is everything okay? You seem…” she paused looking for the word, “...a little out of sorts." Worry muddied her eyes as she looked at you.

“I’m just tired. It’s been a hectic week.” You hoped the small smile would relieve the worry, but it didn’t.

“How has it all gone? I hear glowing reports from Pomona and Lockhart never shuts up about you. Although not to offend you, I don’t think that’s because of your work ethic! " She cocked her eyebrow in your direction.

Rolling your eyes at the thought of him, you had to defend your position. “I can assure you, whatever Lockhart thinks, I have in no way given him cause to believe we’re anything more than colleagues. He...he gives me a bad feeling, if I’m honest, Minerva."

She nodded her head, “I understand completely."

_Now would be a good time to bring him up._

“So, Pomona and Lockhart are happy with my work, ha..have you heard anything from Professor Snape?” You felt your heart immediately race at asking and you hoped it was paranoia that was warming your cheeks and not a bout of blushing. “He’s just very hard to read and I’ve really enjoyed the potions classes so far."

The Whomping Willow came into view, Minerva stopped and looked at it; its branches wrapped in bandages after its scuffle with the Ford Anglia. She didn’t answer your question immediately which set a worry in your stomach.

“It’s not often that I find myself not knowing what to say, y/n.” You really had no idea where this was going as she sighed, “I suppose he didn’t tell me not to say anything to you…” She mused to herself.

 _He? Severus?_

“I don’t want to speculate about what is happening between you and Severus _but_ he came to me last night."

 _What?_ You felt your eyes bulge, “There is absolutely nothing happening between me and _Professor Snape,_ Minerva.” 

_Sadly. Calm down._

“What did he come to see you about?” You asked carefully, though she probably wasn't going to reveal much. 

She looked at you like an adult looks at an oblivious child, “Well, about you, dear.” She laughed, probably at the shock on your face, “Yes, I know, I was just as shocked as you. Never has Severus Snape done something like that before, I can tell you that much."

She lifted her dress up slightly as you crossed a muddy patch of grass, the land squelching underfoot. 

“I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what he said?” You tried to coax her again.

She furrowed her brow, “It was all quite odd. I can’t tell...if he seems wary of you _or_ if he’s taken a fancy to you. If it’s the latter I will be very surprised, indeed” she laughed. “Oh, no offence, my dear." She quickly corrected and stifled the giggle she'd set upon herself. 

“None was taken.” Your voice was just above a whisper.

This time you knew the heat in your cheeks was definitely not paranoia. _Urgh._ Wherever you thought this conversation would lead you, this was not it. He'd gone to Minerva about you and that baffled you. 

“Y/n, I know you’ve been through a lot…” Her hand brushed your shoulder, - “...and I know you work hard to hide that. Severus, he’s very _perceptive_ , he’s probably just picked up on a hesitation or something, who knows with that man? Either way, he's probably just stuck in his over-complicated head. He’s a suspicious sort...I imagine there’s nothing to worry about."

“Yeah, yes, of course, you’re probably right. But you think my work is okay? In potions?” You pressed on.

“Trust me, if it wasn’t you’d know about it." You smiled. More for Minerva than for yourself.

The conversation had left you feeling even more confused and concerned that you'd be seeing him tonight, alone. You walked her back to her quarters and said you’d probably see her at dinner. Then spent the rest of your afternoon in your own room marking the work Snape had given you yesterday. It was slow going. 

At dinner, you purposefully stayed away from Snape and Lockhart. It seemed that too many tongues were already wagging and you’d been at Hogwarts less than two weeks. The aim of the evening was low profile, so you shrunk next to Hagrid, ate quickly, and went back to your quarters.

Full of nervous energy, you made sure your room was painstakingly organised and clean. Then you took a shower and picked out something fresh to wear. To your embarrassment, it took a browse through a few options to decide. Like this was some sort of date when actually it was more likely an interrogation.

You were ready too early. Sitting on your small sofa you continued reading one of your favourite muggle novels but checked the time regularly.

You watched your clock change from 8.59 to 9.00. There was a knock at the door. 

“Prompt, " you whispered. Taking a deep breath you moved to the door and opened it. There he was. His usual unmoving self, in his usual black suit, with a bottle of fire whiskey in hand. You smiled and invited him in, “You didn’t have to bring a bottle, you know? I invited you, remember?"

He looked slightly embarrassed

“It’s just in case.” He replied, looking around your quarters; looking anywhere but at you actually.

“In case?” You asked, confused. “In case I didn’t have fire whiskey?” You grabbed your own bottle from a cabinet by the sofa and waved it in the air, “Staple diet of a teacher isn’t it?” 

He laughed sadly to himself but you caught it. That wasn't it.

“Wait…” You scratched at your scalp. Minerva said he was wary of you, - "You don’t trust my drink...you've got issues, Snape." You scoffed quietly. 

He didn’t say anything which confirmed to you that were right. 

_What did he think I was going to do? What has happened to him?_

You grabbed two glasses and passed him one. Each of you pouring a drink from your own bottle; whilst you sat in front of the fire on a cushion and he took the sofa. You watched him sip and savour the flavour. The heat of your own drink filling your throat made you cough slightly; you hadn’t had alcohol in a while.

“So..” He began, - “you were born a Legilimens?”

He looked at you, he couldn’t see your thoughts but he was watching your reactions.

You scoffed, “My day has been great, thank you.”

 _Didn’t even crack a smile._ You sighed, comedy wasn’t going to break the tension.

“Yes. Like I said, my Great Grandmother was the first to be born with it in our family, from what we could gather anyway. The family tree is a bit iffy."

He nodded, “And it skipped to you?”

“Yeah. My Great Grandmother’s daughter, my grandmother, couldn't.. wasn't born with it, nor could she be taught it. Apparently, her mother had tried to teach her for quite some time but she just couldn’t and then…”, You felt the words stick in your throat, there were some things that you wouldn’t share tonight, “...then when I was a young child, my gift, if you can call it that, manifested itself."

“And the Occlumency?”

This really did feel like an interrogation. Snape wasn’t one for emotion, that much was clear, but he was completely devoid at this point; it was worrying how well he could turn himself off. 

You shook your palm at him, “Hold on before I answer anything else, are you going to answer my questions too?"

He looked at you for a hard second and nodded his head. Trusting that he would, you proceeded.

“The Occlumency, I was taught. Minds are far too fragile to leave out in the open." You stated matter of factly.

“I agree.” He drawled and sipped at his drink again. 

_Ah, well finally, something we agree on._

There was a pause, the question playing at your tongue. “So you are? A Legilimens?”

You were actually excited, the only other Legilimens you had met were your family members but you tried to hide that excitement as best you could from him, you didn't want to come off as naive and overeager.

“I am.” He admitted stiffly.

“And why were you trying to invade my privacy?” You finished your drink, sat up on your knees and poured yourself another.

He sipped from his glass again, lightly moving the alcohol around his mouth. The tension in the room was thick and you were the only two people down in the dungeons. Well, except Slytherin House but they were fairly far away. _Why aren’t you more concerned, y/n_ _? You barely told your friends this stuff._

“I...you... it sounds absolutely ridiculous now.” He sat back in the chair, huffing as he tapped his foot lightly. Snape wasn't usually the twitchy sort, you thought to yourself as you watched the anxious energy leaving his body. 

“I don’t need to know everything that is going on because there’s clearly _a lot."_ He raised his eyebrow at you but you continued on unphased, "It’s not like I’ve not heard whispers. Harry Potter. Professor Quirrell. _The Philosopher’s Stone._ Kids aren’t quiet.” You shrugged. "But I am discrete, Severus."

You watched him, his finger tapping his glass lightly, while something tap, tap, tapped at his mind.

“I thought the Ministry had sent you.” 

A laugh escaped your mouth but you tried to stifle it by throwing your hand over the offending sound. Just like that, the tension cracked slightly.

"What? Like a _spy_?” You asked, still softly laughing but Snape’s body stiffened at the word.

He leant forward, his elbows leaning on his knees, the empty glass dangling between his legs. “Don’t mock me." He said each word precisely. 

You straightened your face, you hadn't meant to offend him. “I’m not trying...I’m sorry.”

Sighing, you shifted on your legs; you shouldn't have sat on the floor. 

“There are many reasons why the Ministry would want to poke around these walls.” He informed you, as he poured himself another drink.

“Oh I know that, but if you believe anything tonight…” You stood up, stretching out the pain subtly, and sat next to him. Tentatively putting your hand on his bicep, you needed him to see you, - “..please believe that I am not here for the Ministry. My Ministry days are dead and buried." You had to bite back the upset in your voice, you didn't need to give anything else away tonight. His eyes searched yours and you hoped he’d found the truth in them. "So, is that why you’ve been following me around? Why you always seem to turn up behind me? You thought I was here to hurt the school?”

“Partly.” His voice sounded deeper you thought but maybe it was just the alcohol.

“Partly?” You repeated.

Your hand felt warm and you noticed that you hadn’t taken it off his arm yet; you didn’t want to break the contact with him, but you did anyway. He looked away towards the fire as you did so and you could have sworn you felt a shiver as your fingers left the heat of his body. 

The fire crackled throughout the silent room. You picked up your bottle of whiskey and shook it at him and to your relief he offered you his glass to fill. Topping up your own after, you realised he wasn’t going to answer your last question, so you sat back and let him stare at the embers. Watching a fire dance around always relaxed you, maybe it was doing the same for him. You hoped it was, the man never seemed to unwind.

A few minutes passed and although there was some lingering tension, it was nice. Then he looked around your room again and picked up your dog eared copy of Wuthering Heights from the table next to him. It was a book you had read a dozen times; something you always found yourself coming back to. A comfort. You couldn’t take your eyes off him as he flicked through the pages. 

_What_ _are you thinking?_

He stopped on a page that had a small folded edge on the top and skimmed his eyes over the words. You knew exactly what it said.

“It was not the thorn bending to the honeysuckles, but the honeysuckles embracing the thorn.” You quoted the page he had stalled at. You’re not sure why you said it aloud. However, it seemed fitting; eerily so. _Maybe you could embrace the thorn_.

He was staring at you. His pupils dilated, leaving them looking like the black lake and his fingers were lightly skimming the page ends. His hair fell messily around his face and you had never been more attracted to him. The silence that hung in the air between you seemed to last far longer than it actually had, he broke it with a whispered, "I believe you."

Relief exited your body through a smile and then he stood slowly. You watched as his body lengthened and instead of reaching out you closed your fist in frustration. Starting for the door you followed him.

He stopped and when he passed you back the old book his fingers touched yours for the briefest of seconds. Your heart suddenly felt heavier in your chest and you pulled your eyes away from his to look at the floor.

“Good night, y/n." _That’s the first time he’s used your first name_.

You raised your head, having rid the look of embarrassment, “Good night, Severus."

When he left you breathed out a long breath and rested your head on the door. _What just happened?_


	12. The Mandrake Incident

The school weeks continued on much like they had started and busy days rolled into nights of marking and preparing for the next day.

Things with Severus had settled, to an extent, his suspicions had cooled down but you couldn't say he had warmed to your advances of friendship. Or whatever you were trying to achieve. You weren't actually sure of that yourself yet. Either way, Severus Snape was running hot and cold and the want to get him to boiling point was getting more and more appealing.

The push and pull of your flirtations, if you could call them that, began the Monday after your late-night talk.

You had been running the Mandrake class with the other half of the 2nd years, Draco Malfoy and his friend, Vincent Goyle, had looked mischievous the second they walked into Greenhouse 3. Whispering and sending glances your way. You made sure they saw the warning look you shot them.

The Mandrake you used to demonstrate the process was a feisty little bugger and fought you tooth and nail but you managed to get him out and re-potted. You did your checks to make sure no one could hear you and off they went. And then off he went, face-first into the work station and then collapsed into a heap on the floor. Vincent Goyle's earmuffs had come off his meaty head somehow; you suspected tomfoolery from Draco or Crabbe but you couldn't prove it and none of them would admit anything after it happened. You thought about _looking into it_ further but getting into trouble with Dumbledore wasn't worth it.

After dragging him out of the classroom, which was no easy feat, you managed to organise getting him to the infirmary. Once you dismissed the class you headed straight to the potions classroom to explain to Severus why one of his boys had passed out in your class before he caught wind of it elsewhere.

"Come in!" He bellowed, his voice sounding irritated at the knock to his door.

You took a deep breath and entered, you were nervous, you didn't want him to blame you for this.

Slowly entering you closed the door, "Sorry to interrupt you, Professor."

His head snapped up. Tiredness marred his face; you wondered how much sleep he had managed over the weekend. Wondered if your conversation and the atmosphere that you seemed to always create together had been playing on his mind, as it had yours.

"Yes?" His voice was cold and quiet.

"One of your Slytherin boys, Goyle, is in the infirmary."

His jaw clenched. "Why?"

"Mandrakes. We're not sure what happened yet, whether he took off his earmuffs or they were knocked. Either way, he's out cold." You relayed the story to him with careful confidence.

"Stupid boy." He sighed, "I assume you had warned the class of the effects?" He laced his fingers together and rested them in his lap, his thumbs lightly brushed over the other one. You watched as they danced together and began to explain.

"Yes. I ran the same class last week, with no issues. I double-checked the pupils couldn't hear. I…I don't know what happened." Upset laced your voice. Although the rest of the class had done well you couldn't call it a complete success because of this rather large mishap.

You imagined him to sound angrier or at least disappointed but he didn't, "I will check on him after dinner. He'll be out for a few hours. Any other _pupil_ matters I need to be made aware of?" He leaned forward from his chair and raised his eyebrow to you.

"No, Professor." You started turning when you remembered something, "Oh, there was something. I demonstrated the drainage of the Bubotuber plant today," you pulled out a vial from your pocket and set it down on his desk, - "this is what I managed to extract. No point in it going to waste."

He looked at the vial and nodded his head.

"Miss l/n." He looked up at you, a dark visage in his eyes and the beginnings of a smirk playing at his mouth, - "You do know you're very dirty, don't you?"

His voice made you feel like you were being flirted with and chastised at the same time.

Your mouth suddenly felt very dry and your heart stuttered, "Excuse me?"

The shock in your voice was so obvious it made you inwardly cringe and form butterflies in your stomach.

Snape stared and then pointed to his cheek, "Your face…It's covered in soil." He replied, and as his smirk became more prominent he looked back down to the work on his desk.

You brushed at your cheek. Feeling heat radiating from your skin you knew you were blushing. 

_That bloody Mandrake. That bloody man._

You left, muttering a quick goodbye as you did.

And that's how things sat. Toying with each other, working together, or ignoring each other. It was getting tiring, never really knowing which you were going to get on any given day. Some mornings and evenings you walked to your meals together, others you didn't. You noticed that he wasn't so harsh with the pupils but then you'd hear a whispered moan about the professor in another class or in the Great Hall.

You sighed into your dinner plate and looked over to him. The Great Hall was a bustle of excitement and sugar-filled noise. It was Halloween and most of the school were enjoying the festivities that the holiday brought with it; your teeth felt sensitive just looking at the veritable sweet delights that lay along the long tables. Severus caught you looking and raised an eyebrow, you just smiled and continued to eat.

When pupils started to leave you thought you would too, you needed to reply to Stephanie's latest letter and you wanted to take a warm shower. Putting a few sweets in your pocket for later you started to ready yourself to leave. Severus had also stood but was distracted from his own effort to exit by Minerva, you noticed that she glanced in your direction as they spoke, but you weren't going to read anything into it. She had been particularly interested in your potions lessons since you spoke to her at the beginning of term but you clearly left her disappointed with the lack of gossip.

You were walking past the two of them when the commotion began and all three of you hurried out into the halls to see what was happening.

You heard the shouts before you saw anything, "You've murdered my cat!" You've killed her! I'll kill you!"

It was Filch and as you scanned the hallway, there was his cat, Poor Mrs. Norris, hanging from a torch bracket. On the wall, someone had written out a warning, -

**"The chamber of secrets has been opened, enemies of the heir beware"**

Your hand raised to your mouth in shock and then with instinct you reached for your wand. Severus was eyeing the situation with caution, he stood close enough to you that his arm touched yours lightly which you found strangely comforting. Regarding your worried state, you noticed he actually looked sympathetic; you were grateful that he didn't deviate from your side.

The crowd parted and you watched how Lockhart ushered Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the direction of his office. Dumbledore followed, Mrs. Norris in his arms and Minerva had started in the same direction as well. Severus touched your upper arm and pulled your attention from the furor.

"We'd better follow them." His touch warmed you in the chilling atmosphere of the hallway. You nodded and he led the way to Lockhart's office.


	13. Walk Me To My Quarters?

“It was definitely a curse that killed her – probably the Transmogrifian Torture. I’ve seen it used many times…”

You rolled your eyes at Lockhart’s bluster, it clearly was no such thing and every other witch and wizard in that room knew it. Filch was weeping for Mrs. Norris, as Lockhart continued to make the situation worse; Ron, Harry, and Hermione looked shell shocked.

You examined the cat’s body with Dumbledore. Lockhart continued chuntering on about a village in Ouagadougou and amulets but you weren’t really paying him much mind. Far too focussed on the stiffened form of the ginger cat. Dumbledore looked at you, “Well, y/n, what do you think?”

You were surprised that Dumbledore was asking, he clearly would know himself.

“She’s not dead.” You said. Dumbledore nodded in agreement as he poked his wand carefully along the cat’s body. He signalled for you to tell Filch.

You spoke softly, “Argus, she’s not dead.”

At your announcement, Lockhart stopped his incessant counting.

“She’s not?” He looked relieved but still sobbed, “Then what’s the matter with her?”

You looked at Dumbledore and he gave you a soft nod to say it was okay to continue. “She’s been petrified.”

Lockhart interrupted before you could go on; he knew that, _obviously_. The whole room seemed to give him a look of annoyance and brought their attention back to you.

“I’ve only ever seen it once before, I wouldn’t be able to say what it’s from without some more investigation.” You looked around, everyone listening intently. When you glanced over at Severus, he looked impressed. Or as close to impressed you thought he could look.

Filch then implicated Harry as the culprit and you were shocked when Severus spoke up for him and his friends. It was slightly backhanded but something was better than nothing you thought. Dumbledore had to step in and calm the atmosphere though, reassuring Filch that there was a cure for petrification.

“I’ll make it.” Lockhart chimed in, saying he could make a Mandrake Restorative Draught in his sleep. You and Minerva shared a look of aggravation and if you were Lockhart you’d have been terrified at the way Severus was glaring at him.

“Excuse me but I believe I am the Potions master at this school and as such, I will deal with it and if I don’t, then y/n will.”

Lockhart and his various alter egos that milled about in the portraits surrounding his office, looked sheepish. The authority in Severus’ voice made you squirm, you shouldn’t have enjoyed it so much, but you did. It left a terribly awkward atmosphere in the room.

Presumably, Dumbledore not wanting the trio of pupils to see a fight between teachers break out, ushered them to bed. They were all petrified, not magically, but emotionally and they scurried out without a word.

“The Mandrakes won’t be ready for months, Albus.” You said quietly in a worried tone, trying not catch Filch’s attention as Minerva tried to console him some more.

“Don’t worry, I’ll placate Argus for as long as is needed.” He tapped your shoulder, “Do excuse me.” You watched him relay something to Severus quietly and he nodded in response.

“Good show there, y/n, knew it all of course but wanted to give others the opportunity.” _Urgh, slimeball._ He reached his hand to the back of your elbow, “Why don’t we go have a drink in my chambers and you can tell me all the other fascinating information you have stored in that magnificent head of yours?”

Snatching your arm away you quietly let him down, “No thank you, Gilderoy.”

“Some other time then, I will get you, dear,” he said playfully and winked at you.

Without much thought, you checked to see if Severus had been watching the exchange; he had. He was still talking to Albus but his eyes had been on you. You weren’t particularly worried about him thinking you were interested in Lockhart, you had shown him over the last month enough that you weren’t. Partly out of your natural dislike for the man and partly because you wanted Severus to know that it would never happen.

“I have things to attend to. Good night, Gilderoy.” You gave him a quick fake smile and walked away.

You let the other teachers know you were leaving and exited Lockhart’s homage to himself or his office as it was officially known. The students had gone, most likely ushered to their dormitories by the prefects, making the hallways deathly quiet as you walked back to the writing on the wall.

**The chamber of secrets has been opened, enemies of the heir beware.**

The warning played through you mind. The chamber of secrets. There was no actual proof that it existed, it was a story, or so you had always thought. But it worried you greatly. You had come to Hogwarts for a new start, a _peaceful_ new start and you couldn’t help but feel this was the beginning of something much bigger and sinister than you wanted to deal with.

Footsteps echoed in the silence, you didn’t need to look to know who it was; at least you heard him coming this time, you thought. The footsteps stopped next to you.

“The Mandrakes, how long until they’re ready?” He asked.

You didn’t take your eyes off the wall, “Months. Maybe 5 or 6,” as you turned your head to him, he didn’t hide his stare, - “but you knew that already, " you said as you tilted your head in confusion.

He cleared his throat, a thought playing at his lips, “Minerva told me to check on you.”

He broke eye contact. _Liar._

“Did she now?” The lilt of your voice told Severus you knew he was lying.

You watched as the muscles along his jawline tensed and relaxed, tensed and relaxed again. “I was checking on you.”

He looked back at you then, not his usual intense stare but something a little warmer and you couldn’t help but soften. You could tell this did not come easy to him.

“I appreciate it.” You smiled softly at him and then looked back to the wall

“What’s this mean?” You gestured towards the warning with a slight bow of your head, your arms wrapped around your body for warmth.

“Honestly. I couldn’t tell you for sure.”

You believed him this time. 

“And you can’t tell me what’s going on at Hogwarts either I assume?” You held your hand up before he could even open his mouth, “It’s okay, I don’t actually expect an answer.”

The troubled look on his face said it all. There was more. So much more.

You don’t know what possessed you at that moment but you watched as your hand reached towards his face and smoothed out the crease that always formed in the middle of his brow. His skin was softer than you imagined but what you found really surprising was his lack of protest. He just watched, breath held and unmoving.

You smiled shyly, “You’ll give yourself wrinkles.”

“I think they’re the least of my worries.” He said glancing at the warning again.

Feeling brave you linked your arm with his, his warmth was a welcomed delight to your cold body, he tensed slightly but made no move to extract his arm from yours, “Come on..”

You looked up at him, - "...walk me to my quarters?”

With a nod of his head, you were both walking towards the dungeons. You smiled when he kept his pace slower for you.


	14. Stop Thinking

The walk to the dungeons was sweet torture for Severus. No one had raised their hand to him in affection, real affection for many, many years. Taking his arm was so jarring to him that when you asked him to walk you to the dungeons, he could not utter the words stuck in his throat, so he had nodded in confirmation and headed off.

Severus was all too aware of you leaning into his side as you walked down the dark corridors of Hogwarts. The ebb and flow of your body against his own brought with it the push and pull of his thoughts. What a night for all of this to happen he thought. He would usually lock himself in his room after escaping the feast early, to mourn. Mourn the woman who he had loved. The woman he had failed.

Now you were here and you found comfort in him. You had said it yourself, you were not afraid of him, and over the past few weeks, he had realised that he did not want to be frightening to you. That fear was actually the last thing he wanted you to feel when you saw him. But these were uncertain times, he knew it, he could feel it, so he would fight against the ever-growing pull towards you. When he couldn't, he would try to fake disinterest but all too often you would unknowingly break that down, and he would be caught in a flirtation or a look that lingered too long.

He realised he was scared. Of many things now. He had resigned that his life would be lived alone, that he would carry out his duty, the one set out this fateful night all those years ago and that would be it. Now you were here and he found comfort in you. A comfort he was sure he didn't deserve but one he was now very afraid of losing. He did not want to fail you too.

\----

Severus didn't talk on the way down to the dungeons. You could sense something heavy on his mind and didn't want to interrupt, so you thought too. Thought about Hogwarts. Thought about the warning. Thought about the man next to you. Looking back, he was always there, whether that was putting Lockhart in his place or standing by your side tonight, Severus always seemed to be there when you needed support. He wasn't always the best at it, not close, but he tried and you found that great comfort.

You weren't sure if it was the familiar chill of fear that had firmly set in your stomach or the isolation that the dungeons brought but you didn't want to be alone tonight. You didn't want to let him go, but stepping ever closer to your room you knew you would have to. Both of you seemed to hesitate as you made it down the staircase that led to your quarters. You could be brave again, he hadn't dismissed you earlier when you touched him, maybe he'd come in for a drink, maybe even a few drinks.

He cleared his throat, it was time to call it a night, you supposed. The dungeons were dark, the light flicking from the lamps just about lit Severus' even darker figure, his pale face looked lost.

"Thank you, Severus." You began unlacing your arm to turn towards your door when he caught your wrist gently. Your heart felt like it might drown.

"I don't know about you but I don't feel much like sleeping.." you felt your lips part and a small breath leave your chest, - "..would you like to join me for a drink? I dare say we both deserve it after tonight."

You weren't sure what to concentrate on. His voice, the touch of his hand on your wrist, the closeness of his body to yours, or his distinct scent which, at that very moment, you found intoxicating.

"y/n?" The concern in his voice was evident and you snapped yourself out of his potion-scented trance.

"Mmm, erm, yeah, a drink. That'd be great." _Pull yourself together, woman._

So on you walked, past your door and to Severus' quarters. He unlocked his door and stepped aside for you to enter first, taking out his wand as he followed you in, he lit the candles that were darted around the room.

Severus looked docile as you looked around. As if he was embarrassed. It wasn't too bad, as you had discovered yourself, a dungeon will always look and feel like a dungeon. A lot of this room was taken up with a desk and shelves of books. They looked old and well-read. You noticed some odd-looking jars laying around, full of, well actually you didn't care to guess. They at least weren't used often as they had a healthy layer of dust covering them.

With a flick of his wand, he lit a fire. By his fire, there was a small, worn leather sofa, a fabric reading chair, and a dark wooden table.

"Do you mind if I take a look?" You asked, pointing to his bookshelf.

"Feel free," he replied, - "whiskey?"

"Please." You smiled and headed over to the shelf with gleeful excitement. Books were your thing. The mustiness hit your nose, the mingling of old paper, leather, and ink. You skimmed over a few that you would be interested in reading and others that you had never heard of.

He stood next to you and offered you a glass, you took it and smiled. He sipped from his own glass as he watched you scour his shelves. 

"See anything interesting?" He enquired.

Your eyes scanned his tall figure. _Definitely._

"Some of these are beautiful." You ran your finger over one that had particularly grabbed your attention.

"You may borrow what you like."

Severus's reply made you think back to one of your first conversations, how he had warned you about missing potions. The tides do change, you thought, as you took a long sip of your whiskey. It didn't burn so much anymore, you had taken to having a glass at night in the week when you marked, which meant your throat was now accustomed to the warmth of the amber liquid.

"Don't say that, I'll be in here all the time," you joked. Though he didn't seem to find it funny, he just looked at you, his usual intensity simmering behind his black eyes. His thumb stroked at the side of his glass and you wondered what it would be like to feel that on your cheek, the thought brought a warmth to your face and as you delved deeper into him, you couldn't help but glance at his lips. You knew he watched, but honestly, you didn't care. You were attracted to him and there was no shame in that.

"More?" He was edging his hand towards your glass before you even answered. 

"Yes please." _Liquid courage can't hurt_.

You headed for the sofa and sat down, it was aged and the leather was cold from the dungeon air but it was soft from its years of use. You bedded down into it, making yourself comfortable, you thought you may as well if were having another drink.

The seat next to you sank from Severus' weight and he put both glasses on the table, "Make yourself at home," he said with a slightly amused lilt.

"Sorry, am I taking up too much space?" You replied feeling embarrased, as you tried to shuffle into the corner some more.

"Hardly," he scoffed and his hand landed on your thigh to stop your moving; it sent a shockwave up your leg. He looked surprised at his own action and went to pull his hand away but you clasped yours over his wrist before he could. Your heart was racing and the thundering of your pulse blared in your ears.

Severus' pupils had dilated to pure darkness and his mouth was slightly parted. As you guided his hand further up the outside of your thigh and over the swell of your hip you both let out shaky breaths. Fearing he may pull away at any moment, you kept his dark eyes under your watchful gaze.

You carefully took your hand away from his wrist and placed it on his chest, lightly locating his collarbone under your fingertips. You rubbed at the fabric of his jacket and in turn, he stroked small circles at your waist.

"What are we doing, y/n?" Severus asked, his voice a heavy whisper of anticipation and lust. He looked at your mouth and swallowed hard.

"Stop thinking," you breathed out as you took his plump bottom lip between your own, his hand tightening at your waist. He reciprocated slowly, his nose brushing yours as he tilted his head towards you ever so slightly.

Your head felt light and the soft brushes of his lips against yours made them tingle for more. You ran your hand into his hair, pulling him in closer and he lapped at your bottom lip with his tongue. Allowing him entrance, your tongue danced with his softly and you couldn't help the moan that escaped your throat. The taste his soft, thorough tongue pulled you in deeper and deeper.

Severus' hand was softly kneading at the skin of your hips and waist as if it was burning to move and you wanted him to. You were pulling him closer and leaning back into the chair when he pulled away but stayed within an inch of your lips, "We should stop." The lust in his voice didn't match his words.

"Should we?" You asked, breathy and wanting. You pecked at his lips and he kissed back but then pulled back further. The look of disappointment must have been clear on your face; he took your hand and kissed your knuckles. A reassurance.

You sat back up and the tension broke inside of you. You laughed, a hearty laugh, and rested your forehead on his chest. Severus tentatively lifted his hand and rested it on the back of your head, rubbing carefully at your scalp.

"Should I be offended? He joked.

You lifted your head and looked at him, your eyes feeling heavy with tiredness but your body having no real desire to sleep any more.

 _"_ Definitely not", you kissed his soft lips again and he breathed in deeply, kissing you back.

This time you pulled back, removed your hands from Severus and reached for your drink. He watched you finish it, you could tell he was unsure of what was going to happen now. 

"I should get back to my own room," he looked disappointed, - "because if I stay, I don't think I'll be able to stop again"

Severus blushed and rubbed at his cheek, which you thought was ridiculously alluring. He was blushing because of you.

"I understand," he stood up and offered his hand. You used it to help you up and walked to the door.

If you didn't know he couldn't, you'd have thought he'd read your mind earlier as he stroked his thumb along your cheek and then pressed his lips to yours one last time, "Good night."

"Good night." You whispered back and left before it was too late.

He watched you walk down the corridor to your own room and held your gaze as you disappeared into your chambers.

On entering you immediately fell onto your bed face first and let out a frustrated groan.

_You're well and truly in trouble._


	15. Don't Test Me When I'm Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader is hella cranky when she's tired. Don't mess with her. Just sayin'.

You had kissed.

When you had landed on your bed you were all hot, pent up frustration but as the night faded into the early morning you couldn’t help worry. Severus had been on and off with his interests for weeks. Maybe you had just made a total fool of yourself by throwing yourself at an older colleague, a mentor for goodness sake.

Then your aggravation set in. You knew it was useless worrying. You also realised just how much of a desire Severus had become, which was wreckless considering his behaviours. When sleep didn’t come you did as you always did; you read. But you knew no book in your room would tell you anything about the chamber of secrets. So you headed to the library and that’s where you trawled for hours, coming up blank at every turn. It only worsened your frustration.

When the dark sky outside changed a lighter hue, you knew it was time to get back to your quarters. Trudging down into the cold dungeon, you huffed and saw your own breath. _With everything witches and wizards can do, can't we put a bloody central heating system in?_

As you rounded the corner to the hallway that housed your quarters, you saw a figure at your door and immediately grabbed for your wand, you pressed into the wall to hide better and crept forward, your heart picking up its pace as panic set in. Getting closer to your room you quickly realised it was Severus and let out a sigh of relief. Apparently, the petrification of Mrs Norris had made you jumpier than usual.

“You know people will gossip seeing you outside my door at this time in the morning, Professor Snape?” You called. You couldn’t quite see his face from your distance but once you could you saw he looked concerned.

“What’s happened _now_?” You asked, your worry matching Severus'. Had something happened whilst were you locked away in the restricted section of the library?

His words came out with aggravation but not aggression, “Where have you been? It’s 6am!”

You frowned at him, “I was at the library, didn’t realise that was a crime now."

Opening the door you entered your room and left it open for Severus to follow. He didn’t. You turned around, “Don’t tell me Lockhart’s vampire got you in the night and I have to invite you in now?”

Pulling his hand, he entered. “There, you see, didn’t melt or anything," you winked at him.

Scoffing and rolling his eyes at you as he replied, “You do realise that’s all muggle rubbish?”

The glare on your face told him you did, “Yes, I know but I can’t help that I quite enjoyed The Lost Boys.”

Severus had no idea what you were talking about so you made a note to make him watch it with you one day.

“Did I dream last night?” He asked in sincerity and caution.

“Why would you say that?” You replied confused.

“You just seem awfully terse with me this morning.” 

_Oh_. You winced, maybe you had been a bit snappy.

Stepping close to him you rubbed his forearm, “I’m sorry. I’ve...I’ve not slept yet.” His brow creased and before he could say anything, you continued, “I’m okay, just restless. And anyway, you were quite terse yourself considering you were at my door on a Sunday morning at 6am.” You poked his chest playfully.

“I was concerned...you weren’t answering your door. Obviously!” He pulled a face at his own ridiculous statement and you couldn’t help but smile. _Severus Snape, you sly thing, hiding all this concern and kindness you had inside of you._

“Well I’m fine, I’m now going to collapse into bed, so don’t expect to see me anywhere near the Great Hall at breakfast and probably not at lunch either.” You smiled tiredly at him, you thought you’d quite like to pull him to bed with you, to sleep next to him but that was probably a little too forward.

However, life had a crueller fate for you, “Ahh, ‘fraid not. Emergency staff meeting. 20 minutes.”

Severus grimaced, clearly not in the mood for it either. You groaned, sunk your head into his chest and mumbled some expletives about Dumbledore. Severus had obviously made out some of it and laughed.

“And you call yourself a lady.” He tutted in jest.

“Nope. Never have and probably never will. Sorry!” You shrugged your shoulders. “Okayyyyy, I better make myself look more presentable. Wait for me?" You asked shyly.

He nodded and smiled. And just like that the tension that you had let build about him overnight was gone and you shuffled off tiredly into your bedroom, purposefully leaving your door open. You knew he wouldn’t look but you thought you’d make him sweat a little.

The energy between you two felt different, a comfortable state but there was something there, a hesitation, anticipation? Though he’d asked if last night had happened, neither of you made an effort to bring it up. You suspected that Severus had probably never had many relationships, if any; he was deeply private and seemed to lack interest in most people. A solitary soul.

Even though you were itching to pull him into the shadows you willed your self-control to kick in, you had kissed him last night and yes he kissed back but you didn’t want to keep pushing yourself onto him. So you spoke about the books you had come across last night in the library and how you were disappointed that your research had turned into a dead end. He had looked sympathetic.

Just managing to make it to the meeting on time you sat in Dumbledore’s office, his Phoenix, Fawkes, was keeping a watchful eye over the group that had formed around the table in the middle of the room. He was a huge thing, beautiful but showing signs of ageing and just like Albus, the bird had an indistinguishable amount of wisdom in his eyes.

Dumbledore started the meeting while you were still sleepily staring at Fawkes, he discussed the events of last night and the plans going forward. He was trying to de-escalate any panic but the entire teaching staff knew this was going to cause issues with students and possibly parents. Nightly curfew checks were now going to be done in pairs and we were to be extra vigilant. As if we weren’t already.

Tiredness had fully set into your whole body and much to Severus’ amusement you couldn’t help but yawn a few times. You tried to play them off as best you could but you don’t think you fooled anyone. It’s not like you’d been on a bender all night, you had been researching to try to help, so if anyone had a problem then you’d happily tell them about it. _Godric, you’re cranky. Please stop talking, Albus, for all of our sakes._

With heavy eyelids, the words of your colleagues were no longer being processed, but your eyes soon shot open when you felt a foot running up the outer side of your calf. Severus. Not that you would have known, he barely threw a glance your way as he continued talking, but there he was toying with you in front of the whole teaching staff. It lit a fire in your belly that definitely woke you up.

At the end of the meeting Dumbledore dealt another fatal blow to your day. All hands on deck at meal times today to deal with any frenzy over last night. _Brilliant, absolutely perfect._ Well, you were definitely going to fall to sleep into a bowl of porridge and that was probably how you were going to die. Oat related suffocation.

As with most of these meetings, Dumbledore asked Severus to stay behind, Minerva had grabbed you on the way to check if you were okay.

“You look dreadful, dear.” She kindly pointed out. _Charming._

“I haven’t been to sleep yet, " you replied, to which she raised her eyebrow and you just rolled your eyes at her. You told her you needed to go back to your room before joining breakfast. Maybe you would trip and bump your head so you could take a concussion nap, but luck wasn’t on your side this morning, so you didn’t see it happening.

When you got back to your room you immediately flopped onto your bed with all the grace of a troll. You were just slipping into unconsciousness when there was a knock at your door. _URGH._

Stomping over to the door you pulled it open with force and even seeing Severus didn’t quite calm you down.

“Were you asleep?” He questioned, eyebrow raised.

“I would have been if you didn’t knock on the door.” You said with a quiet intensity that you hoped conveyed you were not in the mood for his judgement.

“Ah, well you can thank me later then.” He smugly quipped and it made you want to shut the door in his beautiful face.

“Don’t make me pull my wand on you again,” you said sternly. He raised his hands in mock surrender, - “and another thing, you were very distracting in the meeting. That was unfair!”

He looked confused, “What do you mean?”

You sighed, “No games, Severus, your little game of footsy under the table.”

He looked even more confused. “I never did anything under the table.”

“Wait, what? Then who was...LOCKHART. I’m going to kill him!” Your eyes widened, of course it wasn't Severus. _Lockhart, t_ _hat dirty little pervert._

“As appealing as that sounds, I’m not following, y/n.”

“I was falling to sleep in the meeting and a foot was you know?” You gestured to your leg and Severus raised his eyebrow at you again. He probably thought you were mad. The lack of sleep was not helping your thought process at all.

“It was rubbing up and down my calf...and, and I thought it was you. I didn’t even look to see if it could be anyone else. I just thought it was you being, well, an arse! ” You cringed.

Realisation hit Severus and his face quickly went from confused to annoyed. He pulled his wand out from under his cloak and went to storm off but you caught him, “I’ll take care of this and if you think what I did to you was bad, wait until I get my hands on Lockhart, the sleaze."


	16. A Lesson for Lockhart

Lockhart had pushed his luck too far this time. You strode confidently down the hallways to his quarters, your whole body so abuzz with energy that even your leg didn’t protest the speed of your walk that morning. It was still early, the students would be safely tucked into their dorms for at least another half an hour, maybe more. The paintings along the walls were still snoozing away; you supposed there was no need to rise early if you’re stuck in a painting all day.

Severus was walking with you, a look of uncertainty on his face. He had himself been in a similar position, though you were definitely not as angry, so you imagined he was quite worried about what you were going to do. Honestly, you weren’t sure yourself but you weren’t going to sit by and let Lockhart think it was okay to do stuff like that. Maybe some women would find the attention flattering, some would welcome it and that’s fine but you didn’t and he needed to understand boundaries.

You knocked on the large walnut door, shoving Severus out of view. He looked taken aback but you put your finger to your mouth to tell him not to protest; he scowled at you but stayed put. Lockhart was clambering around in his quarters and then quickly opened his door. He smiled on seeing you and welcomed you in immediately.

His quarters were lovely, all airy pastels, velvet, and ruched materials. Not really your taste but it was pretty. His walls were adorned with pictures of himself; smiling, winking, and one with his wand poised proudly. Never looked that proud in person you thought; the last few weeks of his DADA lessons had been him reading from his own books. It was mind-numbingly boring for everyone, well, most of the boys anyway, the girls hung onto every word he said. The pupil's eyes usually lit up when they saw you at the front of the class though, meaning they’d actually learn something practical. That at least made you feel good.

Lockhart was looking at you with a fiery intensity, it made your blood heat up a few degrees and you swallowed back a grimace.

“So, to what do I owe the pleasure, y/n?” His voice was flirty and he was now smirking at you as he stepped closer.

You immediately extracted your wand from under your cloak, “Easy there, Casanova, I doubt there’s much pleasure to be found in this room.” You joked shakily, trying to ease the anger building inside. You weren’t here to do anything serious, just send a warning message; that he should keep his hands to himself. With that thought, you knew exactly what you were going to do.

“I don’t think I’m catching your drift, pretty thing."

Lockhart had to be the most oblivious person you had ever met. It’s as if words floated in one ear and straight out the other without any processing in the middle.

You couldn’t help but laugh, “Of course you don’t. I’ll make myself clear, shall I? I did not appreciate your... _attention_ in the meeting. Do you not see how inappropriate that was?” You asked with seriousness.

“It was a mere flirtation.” He waved it off like it was no big deal.

“We have very different versions of flirting, Lockhart, and I’m not interested.” You seethed at him, feeling sick at the mere sight of the man. 

He scoffed, “I’ve certainly never had any complaints in the past.”

His reply was too confident, too creepy. _Urgh, okay enough is enough._

You lowered your wand and stepped closer, Lockhart didn't notice you hadn’t actually withdrawn it fully, instead it was pointed at his hand. One more step closer, you looked up to him, then quickly to your wand, “Reducio!”

Lockhart’s face immediately fell as he looked down at his hand, which was 3 times smaller than his other, he gasped, then screamed. Horror filling his tanned features.

“Let this be a lesson, to watch your hands...and feet.”

“No, no, no. You c-can’t do that, change it b-back this instant. That’s not funny, y/n!” He was so panicked, he stuttered out his words and his face had turned a ghostly pallor. Pacing his room, he was poking at his now child-sized hand.

“That’s what you think.” You retorted.

“I’m sorry, truly, it won’t happen again.” He pleaded and you did feel a pang of guilt but it was only a simple charm. You were about to teach it to the second years; he should be able to handle it. When he went to hold your arms, a raise of your eyebrow had sent him back retreating.

“Oh I know it won’t happen again, I don’t know whether you know this, but it also works on _other areas.”_ You educated him, as you pointed your wand at his crotch.

He immediately covered it up with his now lopsided hands. You rolled your eyes at his ridiculous response.

“It’s a simple Reducio spell, Lockhart, a seasoned Wizard such as yourself should be able to change it back with a flick of your wand!”

With a total lack of confidence in his words, he stuttered out, “I...I can.”

“Okay then. I’ll see you at breakfast. Hopefully having come to your senses.” You spun on your heels and left his room and breathed out a sigh. You didn’t like being judge and executioner; it was something you were strictly trained against but desperate times called for desperate measures. Simply talking to Lockhart wouldn’t have worked you reassured yourself.

“Better?” A dark voice boomed from your left side.

“Much,” you smiled, - "Right, I need coffee, lots of it, and some breakfast. Then I am going to take the best nap I have ever taken.”

Both of you set off for the Great Hall where breakfast would soon be served. Severus side-eyed you and smirked, “What did you do to him?”

You looked sheepishly back at his gaze, “I may have Reducio’d his hand...and then threatened to do the same to a more...erm, well.”

He held his hand up, drawling a somewhat sympathetic, “I understand."

Minerva and Albus were talking as you turned the next corner, they regarded the two of you, their eyes drifting from one form to another.

“Good morning, you two,” Minerva said in a suggestive pitch.

“Minerva,” Severus replied, the timbre of his voice made your stomach flutter.

You still needed to talk about last night. Maybe re-enact last night. Biting your lip you thought of the softness of his lips against yours, then you shot a shy smile to your superiors and made no effort to stop; a blush already forming on your cheeks.

Carrying on your discussion as you entered the empty Great Hall, you asked him if you thought you had been heavy-handed with Lockhart. No pun intended. 

“No, I don’t,” his reply was bereft of any doubt about your actions.

Severus double-checked the room then pulled out a chair for you and your cheeks seemed to burn warmer again, you thanked him and he sat down next to you. Brushing his leg against yours he pushed himself closer to you in his chair. He was warmth and comfort and desire. _I could get used to this._

“I dare say, I may have underestimated you...” your brows creased with intrigue, - “...I called you timid, but now I see how wrong I was, ” he laughed. _I could get used to that, too._

He poured coffee for the both of you, _“_ You’d have made an excellent Slytherin.”

You stiffened. You’d heard that before.

“That was a compliment, you know?” He said cautiously, obviously seeing the discomfort that had hit you.

Shaking the thought from your mind, you smiled softly at him, “Green isn’t my colour, ” you joked and cradled your coffee cup; its fragrant aroma steaming your senses. You were going to need a few of these to get through breakfast.

Teachers and students started swarming into the hall and you put some space back in between you and Severus. You’d only just managed to be rid of the Lockhart rumours, you didn’t need new ones, even if they were true. Hopefully true, anyway.

The vantage point the top table gave you made you all too aware of last night’s events again. The pupils looked preoccupied and you heard muffled utterances of the chamber. It was too early to get panicked you thought, you needed to see what would happen next and you knew something would, you could just feel it.

As you were tucking into a plate of pancakes, Lockhart came in trying to look inconspicuous for the first time ever. You looked down at his hand. _Shit._ It was bandaged up and he was keeping it close to his side, under his robes. He really couldn’t fix it. You put your hand on Severus’ thigh and he quickly turned to you with a heavy look in his eyes. He stared intently at your hand on his thigh and even over the material of his trousers your fingertips felt like they were on fire. _You really needed to talk._

“He can’t fix it!” You said in a worried hush, you felt your eyes bulging out of their sockets.

Severus looked over to him and shook his head, "Fraud."

Your leg began to bounce nervously, “What if he says something to Dumbledore?”

“He won’t if he did he’d be even stupider than he looks. Even Lockhart couldn't charm his way out of this situation.”

Severus looked at your leg, "Calm down," he whispered and kept your gaze locked to his, “I’ll reverse the charm before tomorrow. Let’s let him learn his lesson for a bit longer."

Nodding with relief, you thanked him. You wanted to kiss his cheek but not being able to you squeezed his thigh in affection. His muscles tightened underneath your hand and his knuckles turned white as he clenched his fork. We _really, really need to talk._

To distract yourself from Severus' muscular thigh, you scanned the hall; some students had eaten in a hurry and headed back off to their common rooms, some were lingering. Harry and Hermione were whispering whilst Ron shoved sausages into rosy, round cheeks. They needed to be watched you thought, as did every other teacher at Hogwarts you imagined. Your eyes felt heavy as you observed them.

You were flailing, needing to get some sleep before having to be back for lunch you stood and looked over at Dumbledore, a nod of his grey head and you knew you could leave. Breakfast hadn't been quite as horrible and you feared it would be, at least you didn't fall to sleep in your breakfast and Lockhart didn't even dare glance your way the whole time. Sympathetically smiling at Severus as you left the hall you made your way to your awaiting bed. Severus, being a Head of a House had to stay until the end of the meal. Poor sod, he was going to be so grumpy about that.

Getting back to your room wasn't too much of a hardship, though you did have to have a word with Fred and George Weasley who were causing mischief as usual; it seemed they may have started a business selling silly charms. You'd pass on their new venture to Minerva when you saw her later. 

Back in the solitude of your room, you quickly showered, threw on a long sleep shirt, and cocooned yourself in your duvet. You didn't even remember falling to sleep but you remember thinking of him the moment your head hit the pillow. 


	17. Comfort In The Darkness

Kisses trailed down your neck and your hands laced into black hair. He groaned into your skin as you raised your hips to meet his, sending shivers of electricity to your core.

Raising his head, he locked his lips with yours and started to push down into you more. When he pulled away his stare was so intense, like he could see into you, "I'm at the door."

"What?" You breathed out confusedly.

"I'm at the door!"

A knock jolted you from your sleep. Your heart was pounding a fast rhythm from your chest down to between your legs and you had to squeeze them together to relieve some of the pressure. It was so dark. _Shit, you'_ _ve_ _overslept._

The knock came again. Then you remembered the dream. Walking out of your bedroom slowly to the main entrance of your quarters you opened the door slightly.

"You're at the door," you whispered, still sleep-dazed.

Severus looked around suspiciously and he uttered a confused, "Yes?" To your statement.

The castle was deathly quiet and Severus looked tired, his usual upright, rigid stance looked weighed down by his black robes and his hair was disheveled. To you, he looked adorable...vulnerable even.

"What time is it?" You asked rubbing your eyes.

"10.45. I've just finished my rounds. Apologies for waking you so late.." You could hear some hesitation in his usually confident tone, - "...may I come in?"

As his question came to an end he met your eyes. Severus Snape was not the kind of man to come knocking at a woman's door in the late hours of the night for no good reason and you knew that.

"Of course," you replied and opened your door further, revealing your nightwear.

His eyes were greedy as he took in your barely dressed state. The shirt was unbuttoned low and you loathed to sleep in a bra; you imagined that from his height he could see enough of you that you should be embarrassed but you weren't. You liked the way he looked at you, he had become the aim of your affections, so why wouldn't you want to be attractive to him? He walked over to your fire and lit it in an instant, followed by your candles. It was still dull in the room but orangey, red waves flickered over the grey stone walls. Everything already felt warmer.

"Did anyone notice I was gone all day?" You asked as you walked over to pour some drinks. Your stomach rumbled, you'd have to eat soon too, you thought.

"Everyone did but I dealt with it." He said firmly, he was leaning against your fireplace, staring at the heat that burned before him. Something felt off, he had seemed to be relaxed this morning but that appeared to have faded with the day.

You rested the drinks on the fireplace, "Thank you for covering for me," you said sweetly.

Maybe you could relax him again. Stepping closer into his space and nearer to the flames your bare legs were warmed by the roaring fire; with the heat from your dream and whatever tension was lying between you and Severus, you didn't much need it though. Raising on to your toes, your heart pounded and you gently kissed his cheek and breathed in his earthy scent. As you pulled your lips away, he pushed his fingers into the back of your hair with a strong hand and planted a searing kiss on your lips. It was nothing like the first, this was messy and wanting.

Snaking his other arm around your waist he pulled you flush to his body, your underwear touched the fabric of his trousers as your shirt lifted and it made you painfully aware of how close you were but still not close enough. When he bit at your bottom lip the electricity from your dream was back, only far more powerful, and then his tongue dipped back into your covetous mouth, lapping up the soft, throaty moans.

Unclasping his robes with shaky hands, you left it in a pool behind his legs and pulled him with you towards your bedroom. Grabbing your waist and trying to push you back, he whispered "Wait...wait," between kisses and then held you at arm's length. You both breathed heavily, lips swollen and eyes so dilated you struggled to see the whites of them in the low light of the room.

"Are you...what's wrong?" You weren't sure which question to ask, they both tried to escape your heaving breaths at the same time.

He closed his eyes and leaned up the wall, his grip remained on your waist and you moved with him.

"I've missed you today. I was worried...", the whisper of his voice was so quiet that if you hadn't been so focussed you'd have missed it, - "...I honestly didn't come for..." he cleared his throat, you knew what he meant, - "and you're getting yourself into dangerous territory with someone you barely know, y/n."

You tried to laugh it off, assure him were fine. "I'm a big girl. I know what I'm doing, Severus."

He let you step closer, so you were touching again and you slowly brushed your nose against his jaw, nuzzling your face into the slight stubbled feeling of his chin and neck. Planting small kisses wherever you could, you could feel his body softening back into yours. 

"You have no idea," he sighed, - "Dumbledore knows something is going on."

His hands began rubbing softly at your waist. It inched your shirt up and then back down, revealing more skin to the cold air. The sensation made you shiver.

"I don't care. There are no rules against us being together. Trust me, I checked!"

"That's not the issue."

Pulling back, you looked up into his eyes, his usually pale skin was flushed with desire, and his hair was ruined by your hand's rough work. He was...conflicted, so tightly wound that you wanted to break whatever key had twisted him into this.

"Then there's no issue in my eyes."

He just stared at you, knowing what he wanted but hesitant to take it. You stroked his jaw with the inside of your thumb as you cradled his neck. He closed his eyes and leaned into your touch, his hands still held on tight at your waist.

"I think life has been shit to you, Severus, I don't need to know the details right now but whatever it is, doesn't have to consume every last part of you...and if it's too much or it doesn't work then we'll have been two consenting adults finding comfort down here in the dark. _Nobody_ gets a say about what happens in here, besides us."

Severus opened his eyes then and you could see the fire back behind them, he kissed the palm of your hand at his jaw and then pulled you back to him. His splayed hand slid down from your waist to your arse, pressing you into his growing arousal; it made you gasp as it sent a wave of pleasure to deep inside your core. Severus watched the moan fall from your mouth and collected its remnants with his own sweet lips.

Working hot, wet kisses over your jaw and down your neck, you found yourself bucking your hips, trying to get closer to that feeling again. He licked from the base of your neck to your ear and bit down. A growl escaped his busy mouth as you dig your fingernails into his shoulders. 

Squealing as he lifted you off the ground made his face burst into lustful delight. You peppered it with kisses and entwined your legs around his waist as he finished the journey to your bedroom. Flicking your hand to light the candles near your bed as he lay you down on your messy, sleep-riddled sheets, he immediately attacked your lips and pressed his body on top of yours. Feeling the full extent of his arousal press into you again and again as you pulled his kisses deeper into your mouth completely ruined your underwear and fogged your brain.

"You're wearing too many clothes." You moaned between nips of his bottom lip.

He laughed darkly, "So impatient," and rolled over onto his back, pulling you with him. Leaning your hands on his chest, you pressed yourself down into his erection and watched elatedly as his face filled with pleasure and his breathing hitched.

"Can you blame, me, Severus?" You started to undo his cravat as you pushed into him again, he reacted much the same.

"You've been teasing me for weeks." You pushed down again and this time your own shivering moan escaped. Throwing the cravat on the floor you started unbuttoning his jacket. It was like unbuttoning the man himself, as if the confines of his dark attire kept captive the colour within him. When his milky chest was revealed, you pulled at his lapels and he raised up to you so you were straddling his lap, you started working the jacket off his muscular shoulders but he froze as you pulled the sleeve on his left arm. You met his eyes, fear washed over the lust...his scar. The dark mark.

You kissed him hard, taking his face in your hands and letting your tongue collide with his, terrified you were about to lose him to his doubts.

"It's okay," you whispered and kissed reassurances into his neck. Severus relaxed and watched as you took the jacket sleeve and shirt from his arm in one movement. You weren't shocked, you'd seen them before and as he watched your reactions he seemed to calm down and enjoy your touch again. You ran your thumb along the heavily faded scar, then took him by the wrist and raised his arm to your mouth. You kissed it and kissed it again. You would kiss it away if you could. If it was what held him in the darkness. Because you knew yourself what it was like to be there. 

His mouth fell open as he watched and his eyes seemed a war of emotions he could not handle. Could not contain. He broke and rolled you back onto the bed, ripping open the buttons of your shirt and ravishing your collarbone, leaving bite marks in his wake. Your hands were in his hair, pulling him closer to you as he took your breast into his mouth; you panted and your hips moved of their own fruition, wanting friction.

He worshipped down between your breasts with licks and sucks and then continued down your stomach; your senses felt full and you were aching for release. Dipping his tongue into your belly button awoke your laughter, but tickling ceased when he ran his teeth along your arousal-soaked underwear. Eyes fluttering closed, you pushed your hips into his face; greedy and wanting. 

"May I?" He mumbled against your covered mound and it sent waves of vibrations straight to your centre.

You nodded your head in response, but that wasn't good enough.

"Words," he drawled out darkly. Severus was killing you and he knew it but you weren't a complete mess yet, even though your hips kept betraying your composure.

You met his onyx eyes, "It's all yours, Severus," and then bit your lip; the growl that came low from his stomach elicited a sighed moan from yourself as he pulled your black underwear down your smooth legs.

Biting harshly down on your inner thigh forced a louder, pain-fuelled cry. But it felt so good. Then the pain was gone, your body only knowing pleasure as he drove his tongue inside you. He mercilessly lapped at your clit, the anticipation of it all had built you up so much that you weren't going to last very long and you could feel the sweet feeling of release knotting itself just below your stomach. When he added two fingers, your back arched and he pushed your hips back down with his fiery hand.

Eyes squeezed tightly together, you hoped no one was in the dungeons because you didn't have any noise charms on your room and the moans were falling out of your mouth faster and louder as he brought you to the edge of your pleasure. His fingers worked in perfect time with his tongue and your legs started to shake; all that was left on your own tongue was his name as the convulsions of your orgasm hit you. He continued licking and sucking until you stopped writhing. Pulling his tongue away, he slowly removed his fingers, sucking them clean. Severus' efforts had left your toes numb and waves of small tremors vibrated through your leg muscles as you panted on the bed. It had been far too long. 

Admiration filled Severus' eyes as you looked up at him. He was now standing, taking you in and you both realised this was far more than just lust.

_More._

Pushing yourself up and grabbing his belt to undo it sparked him back to life but in your eagerness, you fumbled with it slightly. He ran his fingers through your hair and the tender feeling soothed your shaking hands until you succeeded. Hooking your fingers into his boxers you took his trousers and underwear off in one movement. Severus let out a relieved sigh, finally free from the tight restraints of his clothes and then he let out an altogether different sigh as you licked along the underside of his length. Swirling your tongue around the head made his eyelids flutter shut and his breathing became jagged; he hissed as you took more of him, gently making a fist in your hair. Your own need was building again and you hummed in want which produced a delicious shudder through his body.

He pulled your head back, "Get on the bed", he whispered and you did as you were told.

Pushing yourself up the bed, towards the pillows, Severus followed, like you were his prey. Honestly, you were ready to be devoured again.

Neither of you could pull your eyes from each other. The feeling of his bare skin on yours, the slight tickle of his smattering of chest hair, his muscles tensing beneath your hands, all made you quite sure that nothing had ever felt this good.

"Are you sure?" He asked shakily as he kissed you. His surprising tenderness made your heart swell; you knew you wanted nothing else.

"Very." You whispered back, lifting your hips as he positioned himself.

Watching each other's reactions as your bodies became one was almost too intense. Severus groaned at the tightness that now engulfed him and you whimpered at the pleasurable pain of being filled and stretched. He brought his lips back to yours while he calmed himself and let you adjust and then started rocking his hips slowly. 

It was slow and tender to begin, his kisses matching the rhythm of his long, drawn-out strokes and your hands meandered over the muscles of his back as they flexed, remembering the paths of his body. Without forethought, your nails dug into his skin as his thrusts became harder.

"Fuck," the sensation broke him enough to swear, something you'd never heard him do and it made you even hotter. You matched his movements, meeting him on every thrust, hitting just the right spot every time the waves of your hips came together.

The room was filled with the sounds of your heavy panting and moans mingling together. Hearing him lament your name in pleasure as he pressed his forehead into yours was one of the most satisfying things you had ever heard and then he lost himself in you. He clamped his eyes shut and pushed deep inside of you as his back stiffened. His deep groans and hot breath hit your face and you watched intently as the waves of satisfaction passed through him. Your hands were still at the back of his head, pulling at his hair.

"Don't stop!" You begged quietly into his ear, though you didn't need to, as he showed no signs of doing so. With every thrust, you could feel yourself building again, and when he buried his head into your side and moaned in your ear, you came again, biting down hard into the muscle of his shoulder while holding his body tight to yours.

Severus collapsed some of his weight onto you, his head buried further into your neck whilst catching his breath. You brushed your fingertips up and down his back, which made him shiver every other stroke but he didn't protest and you lazily played with the back of his leg with your foot. The fuzz of his hair tickling you. This felt too good. Too good to be a first-time.

He eventually rolled onto the other side of the bed and pulled you into his chest. You didn't envisage him being a cuddler but you couldn't deny how warm and safe it made you feel. You were nodding off to sleep when he stretched for his wand, he sheepishly cleaned up and pulled the duvet over you. Chuckling, you kissed him before settling back down comfortably; after all that, as if he would get embarrassed now, you thought.

The running of his fingers through your hair made your eyes lull; you tried to remember something important, something about a dream but you were being softly ushered to sleep.


	18. This Is Nice

You woke early and having spent most of the previous day sleeping, it wasn't really a surprise. The room was black, Severus must have extinguished the candles before he fell to sleep. He was pressed against your back and his left arm lay lazily over your waist, enveloping you in his warmth. You listened to his breaths, slow and regular; it was odd, you hadn't slept next to someone in so long but this didn't feel foreign to you. Or should you say, he didn't feel foreign to you? At that moment, contentment lay heavy on your naked body.

Sadly, you did have to go to the bathroom, which meant slipping out from under Severus' arm carefully so as not to wake him. You padded quietly across the bedroom and into the bathroom. Now in the light, you could see where Severus had marked his territory; you ran your finger over a particularly purple mark on the underside of your breast and bit your tongue. It was tempting to wake him but you weren't that cruel, he had looked exhausted when he turned up at your door.

Looking in the mirror you wiped the remnants of sleep from your eyes and smoothed your hair back. Your mind wandered back to your conversation with Severus, about Dumbledore knowing that something was going on; not really understanding why it would concern him so much. You were both adults and you would both be able to keep your private and work lives separate. There was something else going on, you had already picked up Severus' extra meetings with Albus and the whispers in each other's ears. Splashing cold water over your face you decided you weren't going to stress about it right now. Severus was here, you'd just had two leg shaking orgasms, and if you were lucky you'd get a third before having to go to work later.

Thinking of work, you remembered you still had some preparation to do for Herbology today, which would have been done yesterday if it were not for all the sleeping, and maybe the sex, but mostly it was the sleepings fault. You snuck back into the bedroom and grabbed your fluffy robe from the back of the bathroom door and put it over your chilled skin. You couldn't be sure but it now looked like Severus was sprawled out on his stomach; your fingers ached to touch him, to just be in contact with him, but you didn't dare for fear of disturbing him. So, you left him to sleep while you finished your work. You were going to sit at your desk but you wanted to feel the warmth of the fire, so sprawled out the parchments you were marking on to your rug, grabbed the cushion and blanket from the sofa, and set about making sense of First-year ramblings.

Some time later while your quill scratched along the parchments, correcting mistakes, giving pointers and praise, you heard movement in your bedroom. Suddenly a nervous feeling set deep in your stomach, a feeling that he may come out of your room cold and regretful of the night's explorations. You pushed a deep breath out and continued with your work, whatever happens, happens you thought; though you weren't that confident in your calmness.

When your bedroom door opened you lifted your head to its creaking, Severus stood in the doorway barefoot, his white shirt undone at the collar and not yet tucked into his trousers. His hair was a mess and for once you thought he looked well-rested.

Smiling at him, you greeted him, "Good morning."

"Morning," he replied gruffly, his voice sounded deeper and coarser from sleep. You'd have been a liar if you said you weren't wanting to run your hands through his adorable, sexy sleep-addled hair and go back to bed but you thought it best to see his reaction to last night first. If there was one at all. Sauntering over to the sofa in front of you he sat down and looked at the parchments on the floor.

"How long have you been awake?" He asked then rubbed a hand over his face. 

"I woke up a couple of hours ago. I'd have stayed in bed but sadly, I remembered all this." You gestured to the parchments, "I...I didn't want to wake you. Did you sleep okay?"

Severus sat back in the chair, thinking before he spoke, "I did."

He was running his finger over his lip, mulling something over "Last night…"

"Yes?" You said suggestively raising your eyebrow at him. 

"Do you need something?" He asked seriously, averting your flirtatious gaze.

Dropping the flirtations, you scrunched your brow in confusion

Bashfully, he continued his thought, "We didn't use any... protection. I apologise, seems I got carried away."

_Oh. Not today._

You faked a smile, "No. Erm, I'm covered."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly and looked down into his lap. Shy, squirming Severus was the cutest.

"I completely understand." You started to collect up the parchments from the floor, no longer having the concentration for the final few. 

"I'm not good with these kinds of matters." He said abruptly. You stopped what you were doing and looked at him, his finger tapped on his thigh and he stared at the wall.

Standing up you sat in his lap, one arm around his shoulders whilst the other lay resting on his chest.

"If you're talking about matters of sex, after last night I _know_ you have nothing to worry about," you reassured, he turned his stare from the wall to you, - "or if you're talking about me and you, and dare I say it, a _relationship_ …" you whispered out your last word in a teasing way, as if it were a taboo, - "...we work that out together."

You smiled and pecked his lips. You could see him processing what you said but knowing he wasn't a man of many words you didn't push him to talk, instead you rested your head in the crook of his neck and stroked gently at his collar. What words didn't or couldn't say, your bodies would.

Closing your eyes, you relaxed completely into him, taking slow lungfuls of his scent, and as you did he began stroking your thigh. His hands were somewhere between rough and soft and there was a tender firmness behind his movements.

"I like this," he said quietly and you smiled into his neck.

"I like this too," you whispered and started kissing his neck.

Severus was still stroking your leg and had started inching higher into your robe, his breath hitched and his hand squeezed the thickness of your hip. _Yes, I'm_ _still_ _naked, Severus._ The firmness of his hands awakened the heat inside of you and your own hand started to move further down his chest as you scratched lightly against his shirt; continuing upon his neck generous attention.

Undoing your robe, he ran his hand up your stomach and grasped at your breast then pinched your nipple. The wave of pain made you bite down on his neck harder than you intended and he gruffly moaned; the noise and his continued avid appreciation of your breasts set a throbbing between your legs. You moved to straddle him and he cupped your face, pulling it down to his own to place a deep, languishing kiss on your lips. It made you dizzy enough that you had to steady yourself by grasping the back of his hair and resting your elbows into his chest while he held you firmly at the waist. You were ruining his trousers by bucking at his growing arousal but neither of you seemed to pay much mind to that as you nipped and licked at each other's mouths.

Not being able to withstand any more teasing you pushed off his chest and set down on his knees to undo his zip, you lifted up so he could push them down but you weren't patient enough to take them off completely. His head fell back onto the top of the sofa when you took his length in your hand and stroked it from tip to base and then back up. Clearly not in the mood for teasing either, Severus grabbed your hips and hovered you over him; trembling, you grazed along him, sharing the arousal he had helped create.

Slowly lowering yourself down you watched his blown eyes close in pleasure, his groan was quavering and guttural, and it made you sigh in response. Never did you believe Severus Snape would be so sensual. You rode him slowly until you found the perfect angle. His hands grabbed at you harshly and you loved it, loved making him lose the control he so often clung to, loved the way his hands made your skin buzz between the fine line of pleasure and pain. You could feel him getting close, his hips were pushing upwards, burying himself as deep as he could, and then he threw his head back and pushed your hips down hard, stopping your wild thrusts as he pushed his release into you with a combination of your name and expletives falling from his mouth. His grip loosened and you carried on which made his nostrils flare and his jaw clench. 

"Open your mouth." He commanded and you did, you wetted the thumb he put in between your lips and he used it to tease your clit then, to your surprise, he wrapped the other hand gently around your neck. It wasn't long until the two sensations brought your orgasm crashing down over him and he watched every shake and moan that left your body. Stroking the hand at your throat down your front and around your waist, he pulled you closer to his chest. You stayed like that for a few moments, catching your breath, enjoying the closeness of him whilst he rubbed your back and gently kissed your neck. Your head was a little blurred, the feeling of his strong hand around your neck, still laced your skin. How did he know you liked that? You wondered. 

You sighed contentedly into his ear, "That was...ahh...a great way to start a Monday."

Severus laughed in response and "mmm'd" his reply, completely in agreement.

You kissed him again and begrudgingly removed yourself from his lap; needing to shower and get ready for the day but you really didn't want to. Going out there would mean bursting your blissful, satisfying bubble. 

Severus knew it too. He stood and pulled his trousers back up, the sight of his bare arse made you bite down on your lip. Sleeping with your colleague, felt sordid, but in the best kind of way.

You smacked his now trousered backside to break the sad tension dwelling in him and well, because you really wanted to. It was a lovely backside, after all. The look he shot you almost made you want to do it again. It was, shock, mixed with some anger and a lot of lust. _Urgh, this man._

You did your robe back up, "I need to go shower," you said and he responded with a raised eyebrow, - "..by myself before you get caught by someone in the wrong room, with sex hair and ruined clothes."

"You don't always have to be right, you know?" He joked then headed to the bedroom to get his shoes and jacket. He picked up his robes from last night and you saw him to the door, you both walked slowly, holding on to every last second.

"Walk to breakfast with me?" You asked sweetly.

He laughed again, "I think that's the least I should be doing, don't you?"

You stroked his cheek, "Mmm, look at you trying to be all chivalrous."

He blushed.

"You're impossible, woman," he replied with a roll of his eyes.

"Thank you."

He kissed you hard and bit your lip as you parted. His eyes had a devilish streak.

"Out. Now!" You laughed and pushed him out the door.

Showering off the exhaustive activities of this morning and last night you regretted not inviting him into the shower with you. But that would be reckless, he'd have been leaving your room too late which risked you being seen. You knew you needed to talk about it all but that would come, you were sure of it.


	19. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning. Mild violence/abuse.

Severus was prompt as ever, freshly showered and shaved. Looking him up and down, you felt confidently devious.

"You know, not that I mind because I like it, but I am intrigued." You mused as you tapped your chin for dramatic effect and he squinted at you with impatience.

"What?" He drawled out. At least he was playing along.

"How many of these suits do you have? AND. Do you have other clothes? I've only ever seen you in this and well, naked." You bit your lip, "The latter being my favourite so far."

He stared at you, red-cheeked, "I'm going to breakfast."

"No, no, wait," you said as you pulled him into your living room and kicked the door shut, - "I was just kidding, kind of, I really _do_ prefer you naked!" You said snaking your arms behind his neck and kissing him, you quickly lost yourself as he allowed your tongue entrance; he tasted like peppermint and coffee.

"We're going to be late, " he said as he broke the kiss.

"Alright, I suppose we should go do our jobs." You huffed jokingly, "Oh, I do have a serious question though. Lockhart's hand.."

He cut you off. "Taken care of. Found him in the infirmary store cupboard, one very swollen thumb and 4 tiny fingers. Bodged the counterspell and I presume he was looking for a restorative. The idiot can't even manage parlour tricks let alone actual magic. I should have let Madam Pomfrey find him, that woman's wrath would've been much worse than my own."

Severus' disdain for the man had slowly been growing since the start of term; you were honestly worried about what it would be like by the end of the year. Especially of Lockhart carried on with his ridiculous behaviours.

"And he just let you fix it?"

"He gave me the usual fanfare and bumbling excuses, I wasn't particularly listening to him but what choice did he have? I did enjoy watching him squirm when I asked what happened though," he smirked darkly.

"Thank you for dealing with it, I know you'd rather avoid him."

You kissed his lips chastely not wanting to be pulled back in and delay your arrival to breakfast even more. Then checking to see if the corridor was empty, you headed to the Great Hall. Severus by your side.

Students looked at Severus oddly as you neared the Hall and you didn't miss both Dumbledore and Minerva looking in your direction. Honestly, if this was so interesting to them, they needed to get a hobby, as far as they knew you were just friends. Well, you think that's all they knew. You could understand why the students were confused though, Severus looked calm, you wouldn't say happy, but as if some of his sorrow had fallen away. He hadn't even taken notice of the few minor rule infringements as you walked the corridors, which probably confused the students even more.

When you sat down next to Pomona, Lockhart was chewing her ear off about Mandrakes. Imagine, Lockhart, trying to tell Pomona, the head of Herbology, about Mandrakes; it was unbelievable but completely Lockhart. Pomona was her gracious self and listened, though you could see her frustration. Not being able to help yourself, you joined the conversation.

"You know, Gilderoy, it's actually quite _handy_ to sing to the Mandrakes in their younger years, especially when they're being a _handful_. They are much like children. They cry and moan, some even suck their thumb-like digit from time to time."

Severus choked on his coffee and you bit back the smirk threatening to break out on your face. Lockhart, who was red-faced and quietly said he'd not heard of that, which gave Pomono a chance to break into the conversation and actually correct his completely wild stories. With that, you thought Lockhart had probably had enough backlash from his offences and decided to be civil; hopefully, he had learnt his lesson and would build better boundaries from now on.

The week, as you thought it might, turned out to be strange, there was a tension running through the whole school after Mrs Norris' attack. Whispers of the chamber of secrets could be heard often and some students were brave enough to ask out loud in lessons about it but then there was the excitement of the upcoming Quidditch match, which seemed to outweigh the previous drama. The fickleness of children.

Your own naivety on the Chamber of Secrets irked and confused you. It was something you thought you should know but you'd had to ask Professor Sprout at the end of the day regarding its validity. She told you of the opening of the chamber 50 years ago but she unquestionably omitted some details. Severus was vague on the matter too, but Severus was vague about everything and he was short on time when you had asked. Eventually, you had to remind yourself you were no longer an Auror, you were a teacher and that's what you'd have to focus on. Whatever was going on, you'd just have to prepare your students the best you could, which meant stepping up your efforts in Dark arts, especially where Lockhart was failing.

So, you had thrown yourself into work, helping students after the school day with Dark arts work and giving Pomona extra support with the Mandrakes. Severus was as busy as ever but you couldn't complain. He had the Slytherin pupils to oversee, his lessons to teach, work to mark and his extracurricular activities. It seemed ridiculous that you couldn't find time in those first few days, especially considering you lived in the same hallway but Severus had said he wasn't going to keep knocking at your door at all times of the night, even though you had told him you didn't mind. You could see why he had said it, he didn't want it to look like he was only interested in you for sex, and it was certainly a lot more difficult to begin a relationship at the school in general. Dinner was shared with 100s of people every night and it was always going to be suspicious if you were away together a lot. Not that you'd talked about anything yet, it had all been fleeting glances and stolen kisses up until Wednesday.

Wednesday night you had got back to your quarters late as you were checking on the Mandrakes for Pomona and then did a quick sweep of the castle for straggling students. You didn't have to, it wasn't your night to do so but a strange feeling had overcome you in the dark greenhouse and you just wanted to make sure. Everything turned out to be fine, except for finding two students out of their dorms and firmly inside each others' mouths. You felt bad for punishing them, you knew the feeling, but rules were rules. 5 points from Hufflepuff and Slytherin; Severus was going to be thrilled with that.

Your sleep was fitful. Your dreams, confusing.

_Where am I?_

Looking down you realised that you were barefoot, in a wooded area; it looked familiar but not at the same time. Too hazy to see anything in detail. A silky green dress that you didn't own was in tatters over your body, at least you thought it was your body...it looked like your body. Felt like your body. You were shivering. _It's freezing, where am I? I need to move._

Hearing footsteps, you looked around but couldn't see anything. No, it was two sets of footsteps. _A baby? Why can I hear a baby? Where am I?_ Your legs finally started moving but the thorns on the ground were cutting your feet, blood heating the cold skin as it poured out. No pain. 

Out of nowhere appeared a well, the stone edges were cold and grainy against your hands as you looked over the edge but you couldn't see anything, it was too dark. _I need to get out of here._ Lifting your head you met Severus' eyes, cold and black. He was standing on the other side of the well, motionless and silent.

"Severus, what are we doing here?"

He wouldn't answer...the footsteps were back, just one set this time. You turned around to see a figure coming out of the darkness; the edges of the wood were getting blurry and as much as you tried, you couldn't run. W _hy won't my legs move?_

Your chest started to rise and fall quickly with sobbing breaths and then he was there. Your father. Standing toe to toe with you. Silence. You tried to scream but your mouth felt like it was sealed shut. He grinned at you menacingly, his yellow teeth glistening under the moon's rays. A punch to the stomach had you falling over the edge of the well. Pain seared through your body and you felt yourself being covered by something cold and smooth. Mouth still soundless, you opened your eyes. Snakes.

You jerked awake, your breath heaving, hands spreading across your bed to make sure you were still in your room. You controlled the tears threatening to spill and grabbed your wand from the bedside table. Lighting the candles with a flick of your wand you settled back down and stared at your ceiling. You hadn't dreamt of him in a while; Hogwarts had been a balm to your mind and you didn't want them to start up again now. The face you hated most appeared almost immediately as your eyes fluttered shut. _Go away!_

Getting out of bed you headed to the only place you wanted to be.

You knocked on the door hard and then again when it wasn't answered. Having not bothered to grab your robe, you were standing in just a long nightshirt and the cold of the hallway was seeping into your bones. Finally, the door swung open, Severus' face immediately softened upon seeing you and he pulled you in gently.

"You're freezing, y/n." He said as he embraced you into his warmth. You wrapped your arms around his stomach and buried your head into his chest, immediately feeling better.

He stroked the back of your hair and kissed the top of your head, "Is everything alright?" He asked, concern lacing his voice.

"Bad dream." You replied, it was all you could say without getting choked up.

He seemed to nod his head in acknowledgment, though you couldn't be sure.

"Let's get you warm," his voice was soft and inviting and he led you to his bedroom.

It was too dark to see much of the room, but he guided you to the bed and pulled back the duvet, "Into bed," he whispered and you got in.

It was still warmed from his body and his sheets smelt divinely of him. He quickly slipped into the other side and lay his chest flush against your back, his arm firmly holding you close to him. The tickling of his breath against your neck was warming and you quickly concentrated on the rhythm of his inhale and exhale, until he spoke.

"You can tell me," he said softly and it made your heart feel heavy.

How was it that this man, who was feared by many, could also be the softest person you had ever found yourself with? His care was so unconventional, entirely his own brand and because of that, it felt far more real than you'd experienced.

"If you want to." He reassured after not answering him.

Lying there in the dark, in the anonymity that the night brings, something inside you shifted.

"My father. For a long time, he was a reoccurring nightmare but they'd all but gone until tonight, that's why I think it's hit a bit harder." Severus moved his other arm under your neck and held you tighter. "The accident that ended my career, it was him…" You breathed out a shaky breath, you didn't want to shed another tear over that man, - "...I was specifically told not to go... a conflict of interest but it was the first order I couldn't obey, just too much had gone between us by that point. I wanted to end it. Honestly, I wanted to kill him."

You could hear the anger in your own voice and stopped yourself, "There's a lot more to it and I would like to tell you it all..."

"But not tonight.." he finished your thought, - "It's late."

Raising up on his elbow, he kissed your cheek then you turned your head enough for him to kiss your lips, it was gentle and reassuring. When he pulled back you remembered something.

"You were in the dream."

"I was?" He asked confusedly.

"Yeah...you...you watched as he pushed me into...a... a pit of snakes."

You felt Severus' body stiffen against yours. It immediately made you regret telling him. 

"I don't know why you were in it...I'm sorry." You said, almost sobbing.

He shushed you soothingly, "Don't apologise, you can't control your dreams...and I'd never let anyone hurt you."

He kissed you again, soft and slow, then settled himself behind you once more. You thought at that moment that Severus was a lot like yourself, that the darkness gave him the courage to be or say what he really wanted and you were more than glad to receive whatever he hid in the daylight. 

Your mind wandered as you listened to his breathing again, you had never thought Severus would hurt you and you hoped he knew that. This is where you felt safest.


	20. The Real You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of fluff before lots of angst. I'm sorry! 
> 
> Theme warnings. Death, violence, children.

When you awoke the next morning you could hear water running in the next room, you stretched out your muscles, feeling a noticeable pull at your leg. You did a few practiced stretches for it and hoped it would dissipate quickly. Sitting up, you propped up the pillow behind you and took the mug of coffee that was sitting on the bedside table. Steam was still dancing in whispers from the top of it and it smelt divine. Tasting it revealed how perfect he had made it. _Of course._

Tapping at the mug you took in his bedroom, it was modest like the rest of his living quarters. A dark hardwood wardrobe, a set of drawers, one bedside table, and not surprisingly, black sheets on his wooden framed bed. They were at least good quality sheets. The old stone fireplace was crackling with a new fire; along the mantel, there were a few jars and candles. There were more books stacked along the drawers but you were far too warm and comfortable to go look at those. As was the same in his living area, you realised the walls were bare; no pictures or paintings.

The click of the doors' latch brought your wandering eyes to attention. Severus came out, his hair still damp and disheveled, with a black towel wrapped around his hips. His muscles flexed as he headed straight to the bed and sat down next to you. _Tasty._

"Good morning," he said quietly and kissed your cheek.

"Good morning. Thank you for the coffee."

"Does it get your approval?" He asked, smiling coyly at you.

"Definitely." _This all does._ Putting the mug down, you moved closer to him and he put his arm around you and let you rest your head on his alabaster chest. His freshly showered scent filled your nose and you rested your arm over his stomach.

"No more dreams last night?" He asked cautiously.

"No, I slept much better. Sorry, I woke you." Your hand started to rub gently at his side and you closed your eyes. This felt so domestic, so easy; easier than it should at this stage.

Kissing your head he pulled you tighter to him, "Don't apologise. I'm glad you came to me. You should stay here tonight too...if you want to, that is."

You lifted your head to look at him, how was he such a sweet man all of a sudden?

"I'd like that," you replied.

With a fluttering of your stomach, you brought his lips to yours. His smile was evident against your skin as you connected before he started teasing your tongue with his talented one. Sighing into his open mouth, your mind was no longer on anything but getting Severus out of his towel.

"Do we have time?" You asked breaking the kiss, a glint in your eye. 

Severus smirked at you wickedly and pulled you to straddle his lap. His large hands splaying possessively over the expanse of your waist had you humming in delight.

"I'll take that as a yes then," you moaned as he began devouring your neck.

Somehow, you managed to make it to breakfast on time.

You did your best to focus for the rest of the day but you couldn't block the dream from slipping into your thoughts in the quieter moments. The smile on your father's face, the snakes, and Severus. No one else had ever made it into one of those dreams with your father. The snakes. The snakes were new too.

By the time the end of last period rolled around you were ready for a shower and a reprieve from the potions class. The brewing of the day had left it stuffy in there and your hair fell limply at the sides of your face. Severus had kept his distance during the day and you didn't sit together at mealtimes to stop Albus and Minerva's chin-wagging. Though you couldn't help but catch each other's eye as you worked.

Packing up the parchments you needed to mark you felt Severus' hands on your waist and his lips at the nape of your neck. It made you shiver but you shrugged him off.

"Severus, I feel disgusting." The steam from potions brewing all day made you feel oily and repulsive.

Severus brushed his face along your neck and up to your ear.

"You're far from that, y/n." He whispered; his voice was sultry, his hands greedy, and that was all that was needed to abandon your self-consciousness.

Turning slowly, you made sure your backside rubbed against the front of his trousers, and oh did it get the reaction you wanted. Severus grabbed the front of your shirt and crashed his lips into yours in an unforgiving onslaught.

"Do you know how hard it is to watch you walk around this classroom all day? He breathed out between bruising kisses. "Watching desperate schoolboys look down your shirt or at the tightness of your skirt as you walk past them."

"Do you need me to step down from Potions? Am I too distracting?" You said jokingly.

He pulled back and scowled.

"Don't you dare!" The warning in his voice turned your stomach into knots as your arousal built with every word, "If anything, you should be here more." He said as he ran his hand up the length of your thigh, a smile pulled at his face when you shivered. 

"Want me all to yourself, do you?" You toyed with the buttons on his jacket as you asked.

Severus' response seemed to stick in his throat but his eyes said it all as he stared at you. His warm breath tickled your bottom lip. _No more talk._ Pulling him by the dark fabric, returning his hot, wet kisses from a moment ago, his rough hands started pulling your shirt out of your skirt. He teased one hand up your stomach and over your breast but the moan it earnt Severus was stunted by a knock at the door. Only frozen momentarily, Severus growled at the disturbance and you quickly tucked your shirt back in before Severus beckoned in the very unwanted visitor.

You had gone back to collecting the work and didn't look up when the person came in.

"Albus," Severus monotonously drawled, you raised your head and smiled weakly at the man. _Shit, that was close._

"Severus, y/n, good afternoon." The older wizard greeted, "A word please, Severus."

"I'm just leaving, Albus," you informed him, picked up your bag, shot Severus a courteous smile, then flitted down the class towards the door. Nodding your head at Albus as you passed him.

_Thank you for ruining my afternoon._

Later, after dinner was done and Severus had finished his hall checks, he had informed you it was nothing important and not to worry about it but that was easier said than done. Albus seemed to always be in his ear.

You marked together quietly and he even allowed you to play your muggle music in the background; he grumped but you thought he secretly liked it. You were singing along to Simon and Garfunkel when you noticed him watching you.

"Am I annoying you?" You asked.

He shook his head lethargically, "No, it's...nice..." He cleared his throat - "...so what are they droning on about?"

You chuckled, his softness only went so far, you thought.

"It's about two lovers hitchhiking around America. Soul searching. Just trying to find their place."

"How...sentimental," he scoffed.

"I think it's quite beautiful actually." You shrugged, "Aren't we all just trying to find our place, Severus?"

He didn't answer just put his head back down to his work. The song came to an end, leaving an awkward silence in the air.

"My family is from America, you know?" You said, trying to defuse the tension. Severus looked back up from his parchments. "My Grandmother fell in love with an Englishman, she always said they were more charming than her _American beaus."_ You smirked at him, "I can believe it," then winked.

He rolled his eyes at you in response but he ducked his head once more, hiding the embarrassment that was obviously there. _Adorable._

"Just imagine, I could have ended up at Ilvermony," you continued, which caused Severus to grimace as he scrawled a large X through someone's work. You stood up, abandoning the last few parchments, and headed to his desk; he watched you walk all the way to him and didn't protest when you swiveled his chair towards you. Bending down you kissed him, - "the worst thing is, I'd have never have had a sexy Potions master there either." He silently scowled at you again. "I mean, he's pretty grumpy but I wouldn't change him."

He grabbed your wrist, "Let's have dinner together, Saturday, just the two of us," his eyes were sincere and you could sense an edge of nervousness in his request, - "I'm afraid it'll have to be in here but.."

You cut him off, "I'd love that."

He smiled quite animatedly and kissed your hand. You thought it best to stop teasing him now, you didn't want to push him too far.

"I have a few more parchments to mark, will you be done soon?" You asked and he nodded in acknowledgment and let go of your wrist. You settled back down by the fire, feeling his eyes on you the entire time. You had never felt desire like it. It was a quiet, sometimes restrained affair, that felt more passionate than you ever imagined it would.

When he took you to bed, the out-pour of his quiet passion and the frustration you both felt from the interruption in the afternoon left you both breathless and exhausted. You lost yourself in those moments, they helped you forget everything, and all that mattered was Severus then. In your mutual desire to please. It was mystifying and terrifying because at the height of your ecstasy you felt a dip in your control and the last thing you needed was your mind to be open and vulnerable. Not that you thought Severus would try to look again; you trusted that he wouldn't.

The first thought on your mind on Saturday was your dinner date with Severus that night, the second thought was less exciting; freezing your arse off watching Gryffindor vs Slytherin in the first Quidditch match of the season. You didn't have to go but you had promised a few students you would. Severus was going too, of course, so that was at least a perk.

He was lying on his back, softly snoring so you turned over and cuddled into his side. _How dare you not be cuddling me._ You were going to stay in bed until he woke, so far you'd not woken up together in the same bed. The last two mornings he was in the shower, having left a cup of coffee for you on the bedside. Joining him had crossed your mind but you were too slow as his bed was too comfortable. 

Severus stirred just as you were drifting back to sleep, he turned to face you, draping his arm over your waist lazily but he made no effort to actually open his eyes. You wondered if he had forgotten it was Saturday.

"Professor Snape," you said with a smirk already on your face and his eyes shot open, then slowly closed again. 

"Don't call me that," he groaned sleepily and shuffled in closer to you. 

"I think you might have to get up soon."

You kissed his lips but he didn't respond. He looked so relaxed and peaceful that you really loathed having to get him out of bed. 

"It's Saturday. Quidditch." You reminded him, reluctantly; staying in bed was far more desirable. 

He lifted his finger to your lips to stop you from talking, "Shh….OWW!"

Pulling back his finger and finally opening his eyes, he gave you a scornful look. You had bitten his finger playfully. Severus continued staring at you, clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Don't shush me," you said matter-of-factly then kissed his finger better. You moved your lips back to his after and that seemed to placate his annoyance. "I'd better go back to my quarters. I need to sort out some warm clothes for the match."

"You need to leave already?" Severus was near to pouting as he asked. It was adorable but silly, you were only going down the hall, for maybe an hour. He'd manage.

Rolling your eyes, you tapped his nose playfully, "I've been here or your classroom pretty much exclusively since Wednesday night, you'll get fed up with me soon."

Hugging you tighter to him once more, "For someone so smart, you do talk utter nonsense sometimes," he mumbled into your neck and breathed in contentedly. 

"Sometimes, you say the nicest things to me, Severus," you joked and he squeezed your thigh which made you yelp in pain. He jumped up, looking to see what had happened.

"Calm down, it's just my leg," you informed him, hand on his bicep trying to pull his body back to yours. 

His eyes scanned your face, a look of worry on his own, "You've never done that before."

"That's because one of us has usually got out of bed before the other. It's nothing to worry about. Don't forget I'm getting a lot more.. nightly exercise now, I just stretch and it eases slowly," you reassured him, stroking his arm to entice him back to bed. 

"I'm going to run you a bath." He said adamantly and immediately got up, taking with him his much-loved body heat. You whistled as you admired his naked form and he shook his head at you, his dark locks swaying over the muscles of his shoulders. 

"If you keep treating me like this you'll never get rid of me!" You called as he started running the water.

His head popped around the door, "Isn't that the point?" He asked and then disappeared again before you could react. 

You couldn't help the smile that broke out on your face and your heart fluttered. This was way more than just comfort for your lonely lives.

Still stretching when he came back out, he raised his eyebrow at the compromising position you were in. Pointing your finger at him, you sent him a warning look.

"Don't get any ideas over there!"

Severus rubbed a hand over his face as he laughed. I _do love that._

"Your bath is ready, come on." He extended his hand to you; when you took it he helped you up and lead you to the bathroom, planting kisses on your hand as he did so. For the last few days you'd been jealous of his bathroom, it was twice the size of yours and had a bathtub instead of just a shower. He helped you in, even though you were perfectly capable of getting in by yourself.

"I'm going to shower," he said kissing your head.

The bath did feel amazing on your aching muscles and you relaxed into it, listening to the running water of Severus' shower. You only opened your eyes when the water stopped and he stepped out. Dripping wet, he pushed his hair back from his face and grabbed for his towel. He dried himself quickly and wrapped the towel around him, then retrieved his razor from the mirrored cabinet above his sink. The enchanted razor floated out of its case and began to shave closely at the day's growth, while you watched with intrigue and adoration. You loved watching him, he was methodical in all he did, and you thought that was always a pleasure to behold.

"Enjoying the view?" He asked when the razor had finished and placed itself back into the case.

"The towel is spoiling it, but yes," you replied, biting your lip as you shamelessly checked him out. 

He turned and leaned down next to the bathtub, running his fingers gently along the top of the water. The ripples he created flowed above your stomach; he stared at your body for a moment, then snapped his eyes away and met yours. "Sadly, I need to go, you take as long as you want and I'll see you at the match?"

"I'll see you there," you whispered in reply. Another kiss and he stood back up.

"You'll be cheering for Slytherin?" He enquired. 

"Mmm, don't count on it, they're arseholes, Severus," and with that, you pushed yourself under the water to wet your hair.

Severus stood there, hand on his hip as a surprised but amused look overcame his features. 

Walking down to the Quidditch stadium you were glad of the extra layers you had put on; it was a cold, muggy day and it felt like a storm may be brewing. Ron and Hermione were moaning when they passed you.

"Oh good morning, Professor y/n," Hermione chimed in your direction.

"Good morning, Miss Granger, Mr. Weasley." The red-haired boy blushed and smiled at you, which earned him a funny look from Hermione. Something told you she might have a little crush.

"Looking forward to the match, Professor?" Ron asked shyly, "Presume you'll be cheering for Slytherin."

Hermione shot him another look as if she was willing him to shut up with her eyes alone. You loved the awkwardness of preteens. 

You laughed, "Why would I be?"

"No reason, Ron's just being silly," Hermione replied. 

"I see. Well, Slytherin put quite a few Ravenclaw players in the infirmary when I was at school...I shouldn't really take sides, but.." You broke off and shrugged.

Both pupils smiled gleefully. They were a good bunch of kids, clearly always plotting something they shouldn't but not for malicious intent. Sometimes turning a blind eye wasn't a terrible thing.

"I don't know how much of a chance we have anyway," Ron said defeatedly, - "Draco's dad bought the whole team Nimbus 2001s."

Hermione looked equally as downtrodden.

"A broom is only as good as its rider, I had a great broom but I was terrible, don't give up before it's started. I'm headed to the teacher's stand so I'll say goodbye and good luck," you whispered and they smiled back at you and scurried off to meet some more friends.

The muggy atmosphere and the early walk down to the stadium had you limping slightly as you got to the teacher's stand, but you mainly managed to compensate for it so it didn't look too bad to the crowd of people. 

Much to your chagrin, you noticed Lucius Malfoy next to Severus. Most of the stand was already full but you slipped in front of the two men you had just eyed and sat next to Professor Flitwick, who had a large blue Ravenclaw scarf wrapped around his neck. 

"Miss y/n," you heard Lucius' irritating voice say.

You looked over your shoulder, "Good morning, Mr. Malfoy…" you replied tersely, then your eyes drifted to Severus who was looking tense, bundled up in his scarf, his fingers spread wide across his knees, "...Severus," you nodded your head and then turned your attention back to the pitch.

"Mark my words, Severus, there is no way Slytherin can lose with these brooms. I take it you managed to arrange their extra practices like I asked?"

You knew you shouldn't listen but you couldn't stop yourself as you did your best to drown out the sound of the crowd. Who knew Lucius would be one of those annoying Quidditch Dads? 

"Yes, I'm assured that Draco is well-practiced and ready" Severus replied, his voice back to its unfeeling tone.

"Of course he is," Lucius bit back.

You clenched your jaw, with a father like Lucius it wasn't surprising that Draco was such a pretentious bully at such a young age. Pureblood fever family; the thought made you feel sick and you squirmed in your seat. It suddenly felt very overwhelming amongst the crowd but the match was just about to start and you didn't want to alarm Severus. You breathed in deep breaths through your nose and let them out slowly through your mouth, trying not to arouse attention. Severus cleared his throat; he had noticed. A few more breaths and it didn't feel so bad up there again, you'd manage. 

Flitwick whispered, not so quietly, that his bet was on Gryffindor, and Lucius, having obviously heard, tutted in his direction. Both you and Flitwick turned your heads to the blonde-haired man, you used the opportunity to catch Severus' eye and he searched your own with concern.

The crowd roared and you turned your head quickly as the match started. The players rose high into the air, you watched Harry go higher than them all; looking out for the Golden Snitch. You could see Draco shouting something to him but that's not what concerned you, no, you were more concerned about the bludger that was hurtling directly for Harry. It missed him by an inch and the boy was clearly shaken. George smashed the bludger in the opposite direction but it changed course mid-air and shot straight to Harry again. _That's not right._

You turned to Severus, who was watching intently, "Something is wrong with that bludger," you shouted over the noise.

Before Severus could respond, Lucius did, "I highly doubt that. Just because the golden boy isn't fairing so well doesn't mean there's foul play," his voice was malicious, - "Isn't that right, Severus?"

Severus looked quickly between the two of you. You didn't even bother to wait for a response and rolled your eyes at both of them. Your attention turned back to the match. Play after play, the bludger was after Harry, others in the teacher's stand had started to notice as well; as cheery faces turned into concerned ones. Heavy raindrops began falling, which made it even harder for Harry to avoid it.

Gryffindor called a time out, much to the displeasure of the Slytherin stands who were booing and hissing at the opposition. You looked over your shoulder, Severus' fingers were kneading into his knees; you had never seen him look so tense.

When the match started back up, Harry was zigzagging around, swirling through the structure of the stands and looping through the air. You could hear the laughs but he was doing his best at avoiding the bludger. It was no use, Draco had made him lose his focus and it finally smashed into the seeker's elbow. You winced as you saw the pain wash over his expression, then jumped up, no longer able to sit and watch. Lucius moaned at you blocking his view and then whispered into Severus' ear, he met your gaze but remained where he sat.

Your leg burned as you travelled the steps, by the time you were down them and had fought through a crowd of students, it was being announced that Harry Potter had caught the Golden Snitch. A flurry of people were running to the pitch, including Lockhart and you did your best to catch up.

"Stand back." Lockhart's chest was puffed out and he was rolling up his sleeves. Harry looked terrified.

"No – don't, " he protested.

"Lockhart stop! You yelled but it was no use, he twirled his wand and Harry's broken arm turned jelly-like in front of everyone. 

"Ah. Yes. That can sometimes happen but the bones are no longer broken," he tried to fain bravery but it was clear he knew what he had done.

"That's because you've removed the bones completely, Lockhart." You chastised as you touched the floppy limb delicately.

He waved you off flippantly, as he so often did, "Madam Pomfrey will tidy up the rest."

You flew to him and stopped inches from his face, "Tidy up the rest, Lockhart? She's going to have to regrow the bones completely!"

You were about to give him the full force of your rage but all the pupil's eyes were on you and you calmed yourself quickly. It wouldn't be appropriate to kill him in front of kids. 

You turned to the students, "I can trust the team to get him to the infirmary?"

They crowded around Harry protectively. 

"Yes, Professor," said Wood and started helping him up. The rest of the pupils still looking nervously between you and Lockhart.

You glared at Lockhart and walked off; you were soaked through, your leg ached and you had no idea what had got into Severus. You knew he didn't like the boy but to watch that without concern, that was beyond a general dislike. Skulking carefully back to the dungeons for a hot shower you saw Lucius leaving Severus' quarters. _Perfect._ He sauntered up to you, your hand immediately slipped down to the handle of your wand and rested there.

"Mr. Malfoy, condolences on the loss," you did your best not to sound too smug but only so he didn't moan to Albus. _Man-child._

"I saw your little lovers quarrel with Lockhart, pity. Are you not _satisfactory?"_

He had all the air of a school bully, teasing at someone younger but he'd picked on the wrong person this time. 

Scoffing, you held your wand tighter, "Does your wife know you talk to other women like this?" 

He edged uncomfortably closer, "You know, as a member of the school board and parent of a student, I took it as my prerogative to take a look into your background….awfully interesting what you can find when you're in the right circles, you know?"

You tensed up, _shit,_ "And what circles would they be?"

You tried to match his intensity but you knew your nerves were about to get the better of you. 

He chuckled sadistically, "I think you know, Miss y/n or should I call you..."

"Lucius!" Severus's voice bellowed down the hallway. Malfoy turned his snare from you to Severus and you breathed a brief sigh of relief. It was momentary though. How had he found out?

"I need to have a word with Miss, y/n." He said calmly but he looked at you coldly.

 _Fuck, he told Severus._ The thought made you shiver. Or maybe that was your wet clothes. Either way, if he knew, you had a lot of explaining to do. 

"Of course. Good day to you both." His voice cut right through you.

Neither of you made a move until he was out of sight. Severus stepped close to you once the corridor was silent. 

"Why haven't you dried yourself?" He asked, concern marring his voice once more.

You didn't look at him, "Too distracted I suppose."

Pulling out his wand, he pointed it at your clothes, "Exaresco."

The water from your clothes evaporated and your skin was grateful for the dry reprieve. Not able to meet Severus' wanting eyes, you looked over his shoulder.

"Thank you," you said curtly and finally dropped your head. The weight of your secret now too heavy and now he knew.

"Lucius mentioned.." he cleared his throat - "can we not do this in the hallway?" He grabbed your hand and led you back to his quarters before you could even answer. The fire was roaring and you gravitated to the heat; Severus stood at the door as you walked away.

"So, what did Lucius mention? And what exactly is it with you two?" You asked crossing your arms, "Sitting there doing nothing while Harry was almost killed by that bludger. I expected nothing from that walking ego but you. I thought you'd do better!"

Pulling your arms apart you started viciously rubbing them together near the fire, anger building inside you as you thought about them ignoring the danger he was clearly in out there. It was just fucking Quidditch. 

"I don't pretend to like the boy but I wouldn't let him get hurt." He replied, clearly irritated himself.

"Well, you failed.." You bit back, - "he's in the infirmary, having his bones re-grown as we speak. From personal experience, he's going to be in agony all night." You seethed, pulling off your cloak, you were too hot now, - "This isn't going to work, Severus, if we keep tip-toeing around our problems. There's far more than a general dislike for Harry, I can see it..."

"And once you know, there won't be anything anyway. I warned you, you were getting yourself into something far too dangerous," he replied steadily. Somehow keeping his emotions in check. 

"And yet here we are!" The sarcasm dripped from your voice as you opened your arms wide in exasperation.

"What can I say? I'm selfish," he retorted. Morphing back into the Severus everyone else had to deal with. 

"Don't do that with me!" You warned, pointing your finger at him as you walked closer, - "You don't get to hold me in your sleep then retreat when things start getting hard for you."

His eyes were black and his face had fallen into a tired look, "I'd rather you leave now than hate me tomorrow."

The emotions he had been keeping in check a moment ago, began to seep out. 

You scoffed at him, not being able to see past your own anger, "Let me help you out because you're not the only one whose moral compass is skewed…"

"y/n."

You ignored him.

"I've got blood on my hands!" You half-shouted. 

"Y/n!"

Completely ignoring Severus' protests, you knew you had to get this off your chest and it was coming out, whether you liked it or not.

"My Auror partner, he refused to let me find my father by myself..." your voice began to shake, - "because I refused to back down, he...my father killed him too," you quickly wiped away the tear that had fallen down your cheek.

"Lucius is right my name isn't, f/l/n, but it's the one I feel is most me. It protected me for years."

Severus went to say something but then drew back. His brow was furrowed and his body looked awkward. 

"That bastard, my father, was disgusted that I was ever born. A half-blood, tainting the lineage. Like he even knew our lineage!" You had held in your anger for so many years that you could no longer stop it as your voice began to get louder. "We're not even from here but he wanted so badly...so fucking badly to be accepted by, well, you know who…"

You laughed, disgust tainting it and Severus' face looked ashamed, though you didn't question why; too wrapped up in the heat of your aggression.

"It's not my fault he had an affliction for alcohol and muggle women. I imagine he liked their powerlessness, a witch would have eaten him alive."

You moved away from Severus, skittishly warmed yourself by the fire again, and then sat down trying to process what came next. Your body was so abuzz with enraged energy that your legs bounced up and down involuntarily, as you bit at the skin on your thumb.

Severus took a seat on the sofa and pulled your thumb away from your mouth, rubbing soothingly at the red skin you had left behind. Sighing, you knew you had to carry on now. Pulling your hand from his, you continued.

"When my mother could no longer take his abuse, she left me, honestly, I don't blame her, she must have been terrified, you know? He could read her every thought, so there was no way for her to escape with me. I don't...I don't even know if she's alive." You paused, playing back the hazy memories you had of her.

"My Grandmother did her best, to try and steer me away from his outbursts but sometimes she wasn't strong enough and when she took ill she used the last of her efforts to have my father imprisoned and me safely stowed at Hogwarts, under a different name. Dumbledore even changed my hair and eye colour." You said sadly as you ran a hand through the front of your hair.

"You and Albus don't seem that close," he replied, "I didn't know any of this was going on when I was teaching you."

He edged closer to you but you pulled back. Severus seemed to understand you didn't want to be touched and retreated. 

"It was all very hush-hush. And Albus, It's a quiet understanding but he's saved my life more than once. When the Ministry stripped my Auror status, I found myself drifting for a bit, I never did freelance for the Ministry, that's just made up nonsense to not have to tell people the details. Albus, having heard what happened, found me at Beauxbatons and offered me a job here. This is the safest place I've ever felt so it wasn't a hard decision for me and my French is terrible." You laughed, only to stop yourself from crying again. 

"Why...did you…" Severus nervously searched for the right question.

"Go after my father?" You finished for him.

Severus nodded, his eyes now soft as he listened. 

"You may have noticed my muggle-ness.." you sobbed suddenly as the memories came back, then inhaled a deep breath; sucking the sorrow back in, - "there was a muggle man, David...we fell into a simple, easy sort of love. We were young but it worked. He had nothing to do with the magical world and that suited me just fine. Unbeknownst to me, word had somehow got to my father…that I was pregnant."

You looked into Severus' eyes, you wanted to gauge his reaction; the few people to know looked at you with such pity and you hated it. However, Severus' emotions were well guarded.

"His mania, heightened by the years locked away, made him even more dangerous. He escaped, fearing his lineage's dilution even more... he killed the child, nearly killed me as well...and well.." You blew out a deep, shaky breath, and tears brimmed your eyes again. You fiddled with the skin near your fingernails, "...the trauma left me sterile."

"y/n," Severus said softly as he planted his hand soothingly on your leg.

"Don't." You protested, pushing his hand away, "I don't need someone else's sadness to deal with, I have enough of my own."

You paused briefly, the room deathly silent aside from the crackle of the fire. Severus looked at you differently; you had never seen so much concern in his eyes before. Running your hands through your hair, you continued relaying the story.

"So once I was well enough, and really I wasn't when I went searching for him. I..I wasn't powerful enough to...to do it." No matter how much you had tried to calm yourself, the tears streamed from your eyes as you remembered those fateful last moments with your Father. "When he pulled the building down around us, my partner, it killed him on impact and trapped me, crushing the bones in my leg and pelvis."

Gritting your teeth, you could almost feel the pain run through you again. You swallowed the bile that had risen in your throat, "David was obliviated and my father is back in Azkaban. He lives when they died. It's not fair, Severus. And the really sad thing is, it was all for naught; as far as I'm aware, he was never even on you know who's radar and by the time he attacked me, it was all over, he was gone. So why was he so inclined to still do it?" You paused and looked to Severus again, "Did you know who he was?" You asked shakily. 

Severus shook his head sadly.

"There you have it, Severus. There's my shame. And George's, my partner's wife, tucks her son into bed every night, knowing that he died for my rage and I'm such a coward that I've not been back to see her."

"You're not a coward." His voice was stern and he reached out to you again, but you dismissed his affection. 

"Then what am I?"

There was a knock at the door, both of you ignored it as you stared into each other's sorrowful eyes, but the person behind it was insistent as they knocked again.

"Not now!" Severus shouted. It made you jump and he instinctively put his hand on your thigh. You didn't push him away this time, finally allowing yourself the small comfort. 

Minerva's muffled voice sounded through the door, "I'm afraid it's urgent, Severus."

You placed your hand over his, it was warm and familiar, "It's okay," you reassured as you bit back the last of your tears. 

"No, it's not," he huffed, - "will you stay here? I don't want to leave things like this."

Severus sounded like he was wounded. You didn't want him taking on your hurt, you just needed him to know and wanted him to feel safe enough to tell you his own secrets. For which you were sure there were many. 

"Mmhmm" You answered, you felt sleepy anyway, the crying had worn you out and you needed a reprieve from the conversation, - "I think I'll take a nap"

He eyed you warily as if he was worried you wouldn't be there when he got back. He carefully kissed your forehead, kneading his fingers into your scalp softly; his reluctance to leave as he pulled away from the contact was obvious. As he made for the door, you took yourself into his bedroom, you exchanged one last glance before you closed the door and then you heard him pull his living room door open so forcefully, the hinges sounded like they struggled to stay attached to the frame. Pressing your forehead against the bedroom door, you listened.

"Dumbledore needs to see us, regarding that blasted bludger!"

There was a pause. The only sound filling the room was your shallow breathing.

"Everything alright, Severus?" Minerva's voice sounded worried. 

"Fine. Let's get this over with." He replied, then the door shut loudly behind him. 

The pressure of the wood against your head felt good and you remained there for a few minutes while you processed what had just happened. You couldn't quite believe you had just laid it all there at his feet, but you had, and your mind tugged at the idea that he might come back and never look at you the same way again. 

Slumping over to Severus' bed, you felt exhausted. When you lay down, deep in Severus' duvet, thoughts of your mother lulled you to sleep.


	21. Memories

Severus sat at Albus' desk, impatiently tapping his finger against his thigh. Why of all times would he schedule a meeting now? He thought. Minerva was side-eyeing him from her seat but he didn't care, he wasn't in the mood to deal with either of them. How was he going to tell her everything now? If he thought she'd hate him before, he knew she would now. After all, he had all but offered up a child to…

"Severus, any ideas?" Albus pulled Severus from his destructive thoughts. He hadn't even noticed when the Headmaster had started talking.

"None, Albus. It could be simple student tampering," he knew it probably wasn't that but it was all he could muster at that moment.

"Seems oddly timed with last week's events, don't you think?" Minerva added

Albus nodded his head, "Yes, I agree, Minerva," he regarded Severus; his twitching hand and the focus of his eye. "What is Harry's status?" He asked, pulling his eyes away from the younger man.

Minerva tutted, "After Gilderoy's awful attempt at fixing the break, Madame Pomfrey is having to regrow all the bones in his lower arm," she grimaced, - "not a pleasant business, at all."

"Are we not concerned about Gilderoy's continued lack of competency, Albus?" Severus hissed, - "Flying pixies, bone removal, and many students are complaining about having to recite dramatic monologues from his books!"

"Do not worry yourself with Gilderoy, Severus," Albus reassured.

"How can I not when my students may as well be reading Shakespeare?" His irritation was building.

"Well, I hear, y/n, is doing wonderful things in the practical application of the course. Like I say, do not worry yourself with Gilderoy." Albus smiled his slow, wise smile at Severus, which just seemed to irk him even more.

"Then maybe you should give her the post," he countered.

Minerva watched the exchange between the two men and decided it was best not to interrupt. She had taken note of Severus' protectiveness when it came to you and by now she had deduced that you were together in some fashion but this confirmed it in her book. Severus didn't often make suggestions for others taking over Defence against the dark arts.

Albus cleared his throat, "I think that's all for now, stay vigilant. Minerva, I trust you will check on Harry before dinner?"

"Of course." Minerva lifted from her seat slowly and made her journey to the exit, noticing that Severus made no move to leave.

"Something bothering you, Severus?" Albus asked as he took a sweet from his bowl and popped it into his mouth then sat back in the large, ornate chair waiting for a reply.

"Why have you been pushing me towards her for weeks?" Severus sat forward in his seat, - "Why when you know everything she's been through? What was going through your mind when you thought any of it was a good idea?" He hissed out.

Albus raised his eyebrow and twirled the sweet side to side in his mouth. He firmly planted it in his cheek before starting to talk. "So she's told you?"

"Yes, just before you called for me. Impeccable timing as ever, Albus."

"Timing is always perfect, even when it doesn't seem so." Severus looked away from Albus to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Inspirational quotes were not what he needed. "And I pushed you because you have feelings for her and she has feelings for you. It's really that simple."

"But it's not simple!" Severus all but shouted in reply, "I have _everything_ else to contend with. This isn't black and white, Albus. How am I meant to do it all?" There was an almost desperation in Severus' voice that did not go unnoticed by the older Wizard.

"Y/n is the most resilient young witch I have met in a long time, Severus, she doesn't need your protection. Have you ever thought that she could be the one to protect you?" Albus asked unfeigned.

Severus jeered, "Whilst I know she is capable, I knew that before she told me anything, but are you mad? I wouldn't even think of letting her get involved and once she knows everything...that'll be it," defeat blemished his voice.

"Why are you so sure about that?" Asked Albus as he laced his fingers together.

Severus' eyebrows raised in shock, "Are you serious? Her father killed her unborn child and me?" He paused, "You know what I've done!" Severus rose from his seat with a frustrated gnarl in his throat.

"Y/n is a woman of great compassion and understanding. I'm not saying it'll all be easy, Severus, but when you made your decision to join us, you didn't have to banish yourself to an eternity of loneliness too. Trust me, it does not do well to ignore the wants of the heart." Albus said sadly, understanding the predicament all too well.

Running his hands through his hair, "I don't think I can tell her. I don't think I have it in me to even utter the words, Albus."

"Then show her."

Severus scowled at Albus, knowing exactly what he meant. That was too much he thought, too risky. He'd have to control everything and for the first time in years, he doubted he could do that. He had already felt his control wane at times when he was with her.

"Albus." Severus nodded his head and walked out of the office.

Severus headed slowly back to his quarters, his usual stride nowhere to be seen. He paid no mind to the students he passed as they moved out of his way; his thoughts too overwhelming to care what teenagers were getting up to on a Saturday.

The rain continued to fall and the wind howled through the old walls of the castle, in his head, each step Severus took was leading him closer to losing you. He only had himself to blame, he thought, he had let his weakness for you overtake his rationality. How long did he think the two of you could carry on in blissful ignorance? And it was blissful. You were blissful. Severus' heart strained at the thought of you walking out the door and never sharing his space again as he reached his quarters.

He walked in and closed the door behind him gently, he didn't want to disturb you if you were still sleeping; you'd been through enough this morning, you needed more time. When he looked around his living room all he could see was you. The latest book you were reading on his table, your cloak over his reading chair, the enchanted record player that you had sung along to while working. He had told you it was nice, _idiot_ , he thought, _I should have told her_ _the truth_. The truth was, he thought your voice was beautiful, that it calmed his evenings and he'd happily listen to it night after night. His cowardice sickened him, he knew you'd be better off with someone else, who could love you fully. Who didn't come with a lifetime of regret and mortal danger.

Unbuttoning his jacket, Severus, headed for the bedroom, his eyes immediately fell upon your sleeping body. You were hugging the duvet to her chest, leg lying over the top of it, your mouth was slightly open, he couldn't help but soften at the sight of you; alongside his grief, Severus was thankful. Though it had only been brief, you had let him into your life and in turn, made his so much brighter. He crept to his drawers and lay his jacket on top of it, undid the first two buttons of his shirt, slipped off his shoes, and lightly got into bed next to you.

Gently burying his face into the back of your neck, he inhaled – vanilla, cinnamon, and rain. He thought you always smelt divine, even after a day standing over a cauldron, which you always said made you feel dirty and disgusting. Severus' body formed around yours and he pulled you close, when he did so, you shuffled back into him; for a brief second, he froze, thinking he had woken you before he could sleep next to you for the last time. At that moment, Severus knew he was going to tell you everything; he wouldn't let another innocent be taken for his mistakes and he certainly wouldn't let you face any more trauma.

\-----

Your head ached and your eyes stung as you opened them tentatively. Severus was pressed into your back, you could tell by his breathing he was asleep. Feeling thirsty, you tried to shuffle out from under his arm but his hold around you tightened in his sleep; you let out a sigh but didn't bother trying to move again. Your hand enveloped his and you shimmied back to get more comfortable. It was still raining outside, in fact, it was really hammering it down now; you closed your eyes and listened to it mingle with Severus' slow breaths.

The sleep had helped calm you but the sorrow still shrouded your body; saying it, putting the story together was painful and it would take some time to put it all back where it had lain for the last 2 years. You tried to swallow but your throat was so dry it was a struggle; you really had to get up and get a drink.

"Severus," you whispered. Nothing. "Severus," this time you shook his hand and he stirred. "I need to get some water," you moved his arm from around you.

"I'll get it," he said, his voice gruff with sleep. He kissed your shoulder, then headed to his drawers where he removed his wand from his jacket. He went to the living room for a glass and reappeared quickly with one full of water. Sitting up crossed leg at the head of the bed, you took it from him and drank half in one breath, it was cold against your teeth but it was the oasis your dry throat needed; he had watched you drink it, not saying a word. Offering him the other half of the glass, he took it, finished the cool liquid, and placed it on the side table. Neither of you wanted to speak first. That much was obvious.

"Would you sit down, please? I don't like you towering over me like that." You said as you pulled him down to the bed. He sat on the edge of it near your feet.

"Sorry," he said quietly. You watched as he rubbed at his fingers nervously. "Your father is a despicable excuse of a man," he said, head down, restraining his anger, "I don't know how to express the...not only the anger but the anguish that seems to have lodged itself right here" he pointed at his chest, his voice sounded like it was almost cracking. You had never heard him speak so openly. He turned to you, leaning closer, - "yet, here you are, bright and alive and happy, how do you do it? How have you stayed away from the darkness?"

You thought on his question for a moment, you weren't sure that you had stayed out of the darkness. Wanting to kill someone didn't seem to fit that description but you understood what he was trying to say.

"I'm not going to pretend like it's easy, Severus, it's not. But I suppose, I had the right guidance." You played with a loose strand of thread on your sleeve, "My Grandmother was a good woman and Minerva looked after me through school. It wasn't all bad, all the time," you paused. "Did you have that?" You asked, reaching forward and stroking his shoulder.

He shook his head, "Not the right kind of influence and if I did, I didn't realise it...isn't hindsight a wonderful thing?" His voice had a bitter edge to it. "I know you're expecting answers and I agree that I should give them to you, especially after earlier. I have never had to share it, never thought I would and you deserve more than to be pushed aside without an explanation."

You didn't know what to say. You weren't sure you were ready to hear it now, after earlier you weren't sure how much more sadness you could take in, but he seemed adamant.

"I don't think you're a coward," he took your hands in his, - "In fact, I seem to find myself more in awe of you," he said quietly.

"Severus.." you tried to get closer but he stopped you with his hand against your chest. You wondered if he could feel how fast your heart was beating as the warmth of his hand radiated through your shirt.

"It would be unfair for anything else to transpire without the knowledge," he was still adamant.

"Okay…" you said shakily, - "..okay, I'm listening"

He rubbed gently at your fingers, his words ruminating behind his eyes. "Wh….what if I showed you?" He asked, raising his eyes to yours.

Breathing in sharply, you raised your eyebrows in surprise, "Severus. That's very personal, I don't expect you to do that."

He looked confused, "Isn't that what you're looking for? Personal?" You supposed he was right. He continued on, "I want you to see how dangerous it would be for you, for us and for you to see…" he laughed sourly, - "..that I'm no different to your father."

You tried to get closer to him again, "Whatever you think about yourself, Severus, I can assure you that you are not the same as him."

He stood up swiftly, denying your touch like you had denied his earlier. "Lie down, on your side, please," you did and then he followed suit, your faces mere inches apart. "Open your mind," he whispered.

"Severus, I don't like this," you said shakily and he took your hand.

"I'm not going to give you free rein, I'll guide you through, just be careful, I have felt some dips recently," his voice told you that concerned him.

"Me too," you confessed. He looked into your eyes, his own sorrow and nerves seeping through, - "Okay," you breathed in deep and closed your eyes.

"Wait!" He said quickly and your eyes opened, he rested his hand lightly on your cheek and stroked his thumb gently along it, then kissed you, so tenderly you forgot how to breathe. Resting his forehead on yours he breathed heavily against your lips then pulled himself away. It took a few seconds to compose yourself.

You closed your eyes again and let the walls of your mind fade away, you evened out your breathing and relaxed your body; years of control actually made it harder to be unguarded. Opening your eyes, you were ready. "Okay."

Severus stared at you, then sighed, you could tell he didn't actually want to do this. Then you felt it. It was like your skull was filling with liquid, "Argghh!" You gripped Severus' arm and then he faded into a young boy.

He was in a shabby looking bedroom, it was grey and cold. The boy, who you presumed was Severus, sat in the corner of the room reading an old-looking book, his clothes fit him awkwardly and he looked unkempt. It made your heart break. Then you heard something smash, there was an argument taking place below his room. A deep male voice boomed commands, while the woman's voice was weaker; she was afraid. You felt it in the pit of your stomach. Severus put his hands over his ears for a few minutes but when the arguing didn't stop, you watched him creep out of the house. His parents not noticing the small child disappearing.

He walked down alongside a dirty river; boarded-up houses and factories lined the other side of him. You wondered where this place was. Suddenly everything was blurry, you were pushing Severus out without meaning to, your mind's instinct to protect itself. You had to fight against it. When the vision cleared, he was watching two girls play in an abandoned-looking playground. The red-haired girl was a witch, that much you could tell, as she floated in the air far too long after jumping off her swing. Severus was so awkward, he obviously didn't have much interaction with many people. The red-haired girl, Lily, was kind but Petunia, she was spiteful.

Severus pulled you from that memory and guided you to another. Lily and Severus sitting cross-legged under a tree. They were discussing Hogwarts and Severus' home; Severus couldn't wait to go to school, it was his escape. Your heart ached again, with a feeling that you knew well. Petunia came and was just as spiteful as last time, not being in control of his powers yet, Severus pulled a branch down on her. The girls ran away from him. He sat there alone but before he let you dwell on the sad boy of his past, he pushed you out and immediately filled it with another memory. You could feel your teeth-gritting and your fingers digging into Severus' arm; your mind was still fighting.

In a different bedroom, Lily and Severus were reading a letter to Hogwarts from Petunia, she couldn't attend obviously, she had no magical ability. Explains why the girl was so bitter, you thought. At least they had remained friends.

Then shifting again. Platform 9 3/4, Severus and his mother, they were so alike. She looked like a woman who had taken as much as she could and you remembered how your own mother looked exactly the same just before she left. The pain in your chest burnt, it was Severus' pain too; you could feel what Severus was feeling.

There was a run-in with some other boys on the train, childish talk of what house they wanted to be in. It seems there was immediate tension between Severus and a boy called James, over their disagreement on the houses. There was another boy - Sirius, and Lily was there too. As they left, James called out "See ya, Snivellus.." _Poor Severus._

Sirius...Sirius Black. That must make James..James and Lily...Potter. Harry's would-be parents.

Before you could process any more, you were watching students be placed in houses.

"Lily Evans…Gryffindor!"

"Severus Snape...Slytherin!" Shouted the sorting hat. They were separated. Lily skipped off to sit by James and Severus walked dejectedly to the Slytherin tables and sat down next to a blonde prefect...Lucius?

"Argh!" He was moving through memories quickly now and your mind was protesting at every shift. The memories were blurring in and out. Teenage Snape and Lily were arguing over Severus' curses and hexes, she didn't like how cruel his friends were but Severus didn't see how it was any different from the mischief that James and his friends got up to. As you watched, it was clear that Severus was in love with Lily, as much as a teenage boy can be in love anyway. Though you feared it wasn't reciprocated.

The memory was gone, replaced with another. _Where are we?_ Hogwarts grounds. James and his friends taunting Severus, then James lifted him up and held him upside down, revealing Severus' underwear. You could feel his embarrassment and his rage. When Lily tried to step in, he couldn't control himself… _Oh no, Severus._ "Mudblood!"

He begged her forgiveness but it was the last straw for her. Severus was heartbroken. You could feel his misplaced anger, he didn't know what to do with it, and with friends who were purebloods and aspirational Death eaters, you watched as he joined them. Thinking it would bring Lily back to him.

As the scenes became more painful, so did the feeling in your chest and head. You watched him eavesdrop on a conversation between Professor Trelawney and Dumbledore. A prophecy. To bring about the downfall of Voldemort. You knew what that meant. Harry.

There was more though and you knew this was far worse than any of the other memories so far, you could feel the fear and shame coming from Severus before you saw it. Albus appeared on the dark hilltop that Severus was waiting nervously on. The vision blurred as you pushed but you reigned it back in.

"The prophecy...the prediction...Trelawney." Severus was panting out in desperation.

Oh no. No, Severus. You felt the tears form in your eyes, he had told Voldemort of the prophecy, but when he realised it was Lily, he did all he could to keep her alive. In return for Dumbledore's protection, Severus promised him anything, and that lead Severus to switch allegiances. Spying on the Dark Lord. He was right, he was in dangerous territory. The most dangerous.

"Arrrghhh!" Your head pounded and your chest ached as another memory came through. Snape looked defeated, misery clung to his every fibre as he stood sunken in Dumbledore's office, "I thought...you were going to...keep her...safe…" he sobbed out. Every drop of his pain was yours now. You were drifting out of the memory, the voices becoming blurry.

"Her boy survives." Said Dumbledore, "He has her eyes…" you were drifting further, the pain heightening.

"I wish...I wish I were dead…" Severus's voice was full of anger and remorse.

You could see Albus speaking but it was fuzzy, something about the Dark Lord returning and Harry...Harry would be in danger.

"Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore….." He was going to protect him. Secretly. You were pushing him out, Dumbledore's office was fading quickly.

"My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you? If you insist."

Darkness. You had completely shut him out. Panting you closed your eyes as your head pounded so hard you could hear the buzz through your ears.

"You're...strong. Were you trying to push me out like that?" Severus asked between short, huffed breaths.

"No," you said as you rolled onto your back and panted. Your chest ached, your heart ached...everything was hurting. You were trying to make sense of it all. "Why...why was it so painful, why could I feel everything you could feel?" You said through gritted teeth, still reeling from the pain.

Severus was pushing back the sweat-soaked strands of hair from your face, "I don't know. I've never felt something like that before either. Look at me." He said, cupping your face, "Are you okay?"

The memories were replaying in your head as you looked into his eyes; he had offered the prophecy to the Dark Lord, he had offered up the child willingly. You sat up quickly, too quickly, you felt a little faint but breathed in deep and stood up. "How could you do that, Severus?" You asked quietly, your voice breaking as the tears threatened to spill.

He sat, dejected and shuffled to the end of the bed, "I don't think anything I have to say will make what I did any less abhorrent, y/n," he said as he looked down at his feet.

"Look at me!" You snarled and he raised his sullen head. You had seen him look broken, now he looked a desolate shell. Like there was nothing left, - "Answer my question!" He flinched at the volume of your voice.

"Because I'm a monster and I tried to tell you that!" He gnarled and started moving towards you, your instincts made you step back and it didn't go unnoticed by Severus as he stopped. You could see the hurt on his face, his voice cracked - "I'm not going to hurt you." He ran his hands through his black hair and sighed, "I should have stopped what was happening between us weeks ago, but I was...I am weak. Every time I pushed you away, it made me want to get closer to you!"

"So this was for your gratification?" You snapped.

"No!" He quickly protested, "That's not what I mean. It's not. I'm not looking for any compassion or acceptance. I just want you to understand the danger. I already have to live with the consequences."

"Harry. Yet I watched you watch on while he almost got his skull caved in by a bludger today!" Your voice was louder than you intended.

"I won't pretend I have it right all the time but…" he paused, - "...no, " he shook his and straightened his back. Clearly not about to finish his thought.

You looked at him quizzically, "Why didn't you show me him? The Dark Lord?" You asked.

"I wouldn't even risk the memory. He's going to return and when he does I have a duty to uphold," he said stiffly.

"You're going to get yourself killed," you almost sobbed out, he didn't say anything, you could see the lost, broken child still there, - "..but you don't care, do you?" Your voice softened, - "you think you deserve death. Want it even?"

"I used to." He looked at you, then pulled his gaze back down. "Do I not deserve it anyway? Did you not say you wanted to kill your father? Tell me how I'm different!" You didn't know how to respond. You knew there was a difference, you could feel it, but understanding it and articulating it at that moment seemed impossible. "I think you should go," he said coldly.

You stared at each for a moment, "Okay," your voice quivered but you weren't going to cry, not here. You grabbed your shoes from by the bed and headed for the door.

"When the time comes…" you turned in the doorway to face Severus, - "...when he's back, if you're still here...he's a Legilimens too."

Lord Voldemort would have to rip the thoughts from your cold dead body, you thought. "It's safe with me."

"He's strong, y/n!" Severus' reply was filled with worry.

"Yeah, well so am I," you turned and left the bedroom, picking up your cloak off the chair you left the room as quickly as you could and pounded down the corridor to your own quarters. It wasn't until you were safely inside that you let the tears flow; sat with your back against the door you let out everything. Your sorrow, anger, disappointment, and fear; all laid out on the cold stone floor.


	22. Call Me By My Name

Colin Creevey had been petrified. You and the other staff had been notified in the early hours of Sunday morning after Minerva had found the boy rigid, camera in hand and a bunch of grapes nearby. Most likely for his idol, Harry Potter. This meant two things, firstly The Chamber of Secrets was indeed open again and secondly, muggle-born students were in danger.

Sitting in yet another meeting, you hoped the puffiness of your eyes was not too apparent to your colleagues. You had sat as far away from Severus as possible, not daring to look his way, lest your emotions waiver in front of everyone. Putting on a brave face you could do but this was still raw and you were hoping that you wouldn't have to see people until tomorrow.

You were trying to pay attention to the conversation but it was much the same as the meeting after Mrs Norris, albeit, a lot more serious as this was a student. What you couldn't understand was why no one was talking about the original opening of the Chamber of secrets. It would give the teachers a fighting chance to know what they might be dealing with, you weren't going to blurt it out in front of everyone though, so you waited until the meeting was over to talk to Albus.

Albus watched you carefully through his small spectacles, as you remained in your chair.

"Y/n, something I can help you with?" He asked. 

You smiled at him, hoping that some friendly charm might help your cause. A project to focus on would take your mind on Severus. 

"I can't help but notice that we haven't considered the original opening of the chambers, Albus. Surely, if we linked the two events we'd be much better equipped to stop another attack."

The old wizard nodded his grey head, "Interesting. That's not what I thought you were going to say. Ha, seems you can still shock me, y/n," his jovial expression changed into a more serious one as you looked at him, - "I do not know what to tell you about the last event, other than justice was not served. That much I know to be true."

"What are you saying, Albus?" You asked as you crossed your arms over your chest, feeling the Auror inside you waiting to be released.

He replied in a sad tone, "I'm saying the Ministry was given an easy route and they took it."

"A scapegoat."

"Precisely, my dear," he said as he shook his finger at you.

"Who?" Your question came out blunter than you had meant but you didn't correct yourself.

Albus thought briefly, "Nothing ever came of it, y/n. The student was expelled and the Ministry moved on."

You couldn't help the bitter laugh that came from your throat.

"Typical," you whispered. 

" _Anything else_ I can be assistance with?" He asked comfortingly. You were not close with Albus, not in the same way you were as Minerva, but he knew everything about you too. Whether he could sense the open wounds you were now walking around with or he had noticed the puffy eyes, you were not sure. It wasn't until then that you wondered how Albus dealt with Severus' past, he clearly trusted him but how long did it take for him to stop resenting the decision the younger man had made? Had he ever?

"No. Just curious…I want to help," you said with a small smile.

"Keep on. I'm sure you're on the right path, even if it doesn't seem like it yet." 

_Ah, good old cryptic Dumbledore._

"Thank you, Albus."

Whatever path you were on, it was filled with raucous teens paranoid over the Chamber of Secrets. You couldn't blame them; if you were muggle-born you'd be wondering if Hogwarts was the best place for you at the moment too. People, of course, cashed in on the panic and amulets were being purchased left, right and centre; half the school had something useless but pretty dangling around their necks.

The main furore had calmed down after a couple of weeks, Colin's name was mentioned less and less, as he lay inanimately on a hospital bed. You had started to visit the boy, you knew he couldn't hear you but it felt wrong to leave him lying there all day; Madame Pomfrey had found it a little odd at first but let you be. It felt like the perfect place to go when your heart was heavy; conversation was not needed, the infirmary was warmer than your own quarters and far enough away from the dungeons that you were no longer in the presence of the memories of you and Severus.

Memories were all that was left of what had transpired between the two of you. And a note. A couple of days after Colin had been petrified you were leaving your quarters to join breakfast; when you opened the door you were greeted by your record player and book. They sat on the cold stone floor, you looked towards Severus' door and back down and on second viewing you noticed a small piece of parchment sticking out from a page of the book. Taking your belongings back into your room, you shut the door with your foot and set the items on the desk. You pulled out the folded up parchment slowly and rubbed it between your finger and thumb, you licked your lips and opened it slowly. The sob heaved from your chest uninvited and unexpectedly; sitting down you traced every letter of the words, following the swirls of Severus' distinct handwriting.

_I'm so sorry._

_Severus_

Maybe it was the finality of the note that hit your chest so hard. You hadn't spoken since you left his room Saturday evening; it was clear that neither of you knew how to continue on but this note said it all in so few words. I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm so sorry, I can't. I'm so sorry for the hurt. You had said the exact words to David seconds before you obliviated him. You didn't make it to breakfast that day.

Watching Severus descend back into his shadows was difficult; students complained about him more, Ron Weasley had taken a book to the head whilst Severus was covering study hall for Madam Pince last week, and Minerva had taken you to one side that morning to ask about him. After watching him like that for the past few weeks she could take no more, apparently.

"I'm sorry to intrude, dear, but is everything okay?" She had asked and you replied bluntly.

"Yes. Why?"

"Well, you've err, not been seen so much with Severus and he's been.."

"Minerva.." exasperation filling your voice.

"I'm not meddling. I promise," she sighed, - "You both seemed happy and now you're both not. You need not be a wizard to see the connection."

"And I need not see a muggle therapist for the rest of my life talking about the issues it would bring about!" You replied sarcastically.

You could see she didn't quite understand your meaning and you did feel somewhat bad for being so snappy.

"I'm sorry, I...I thought it could be, but now, it probably won't ever happen," you said quietly, - "and please don't talk to, Severus...unless it's to tell him to stop being an arse to everyone."

The older witch shook her head, she knew what you were like and that the humour helped dampen the hurt inside.

"I know you don't mind the solitude of the dungeons but my door is always open, please don't forget that," she rubbed your upper arm and the creases in her cheeks grew more prominent as she smiled at you.

"Have a good day, dear."

"You too, Minerva."

It was tempting to take Minerva up on her offer that very evening, but you had found yourself sitting with Colin again. You read to him for a while until your eyes were weary, then watched out the window as the clouds rolled from November into December. It was definitely time to go to bed, you were teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts for the next two days so you needed all your energy, just in case Lockhart decided to make an appearance in one of your classes, which was unlikely.

When you arrived down in the dungeons, you hurried to your room as the hallway was bitterly cold but it didn't stop you from your nightly routine of a two-second glance to Severus' room. You hated to admit it but you still felt the pull to him. Your anger had dissipated over the weeks of thinking, but your thoughts, and on really bad nights, your dreams, were tortured with his fatal decision. Watching and feeling his pain all over again. 

Apparently, you were wrong, Lockhart did decide to show his face, but only to advertise the commencement of a duelling club to be run by him and Severus towards the end of December. The students seemed excited enough and you knew there would be a good uptake, especially with students feeling the need to defend themselves more at present. However, when Lockhart left the room of your first-period class, the students immediately looked to you.

"Professor, you have to be there!" Ingrid Birch shouted from the back and other students followed with their requests for you to join.

"I'm not sure about that," you said and you were telling the truth. At that moment, you couldn't think of much worse than being stuck demonstrating a duel with Severus and Gilderoy.

"Please, Professor. You can't leave us with those two!" Begged Tomas Bentle.

"Alright, alright," you contested to get them to quieten down, "If and it's a big IF I can persuade Professor Lockhart and Professor Snape to let me join, I will." _Happy fucking Yuletide to me._

The students let out their small excitements and then you brought them back to the task for the class.

Lockhart, who you had been less antagonistic to over the weeks, partly because he stayed out of your way most of the time, and partly due to him be slightly less of a tit, had agreed immediately. However, you thought you should run it by Severus too, you didn't want to awkwardly turn up on the day and regret it. It would be different than working in potions together, in potions you had to, you both gritted your teeth and got on with it, but this was an extracurricular activity that really didn't need your input.

So after your classes finished on Friday, as you did your silent dance around each other tidying up, you plucked up the courage to ask him. Your heart beat faster before the first word left your mouth.

"Severus.." He raised his head from what he was doing, looking slightly taken aback, -"The duelling club, some of the students asked if I could be there. Lockhart gave me the go-ahead but...I just wanted to check if it was okay with you."

His cold stare returned almost instantaneously, "I don't foresee there being an issue, Miss l/n."

A lump in your throat was forming, he had taken to calling you Professor in front of the students now and outside of the classroom you didn't talk but it hurt to hear.

"Miss l/n, really?"

"Is there a problem?" He asked, seemingly uninterested.

"We've shared the most intimate parts of ourselves with each other and yet you can't even say my name now? That sounds like a problem to me," you argued as you tried to subdue the sadness and choler in your voice but you weren't sure you had managed it.

Severus' face fell subtly. 

_Are you hurting as much as me?_

"I didn't envision you wanting to reconvene niceties." He said, a little softer than before. 

"You wouldn't have to imagine if you'd talk to me!" You shouted. 

_Stop it, y/n._

The volume of your voice made him harden again. 

"It didn't seem appropriate and what would I say? And if I'm not mistaken the avoidance was mutual!" He threw down the parchments he was holding onto his desk. 

Shrugging your shoulders tensely, you replied agitated, "I don't know, do I? I didn't expect to be having this conversation with you. Honestly, I just thought you'd say you didn't want me at the duelling club and that'd be that. And yes, I admit I haven't made the effort to speak to you either."

Severus never needed to raise his voice for people to know when he was annoyed, the quiet dark tones of it were far more intimidating. But you were rarely intimidated by Severus. 

"Would you have preferred if I did?" He hissed through his teeth. 

You felt your jaw clench before an answer fell out of your mouth. Would you have preferred for him to just reject the idea immediately? No, you thought, you would not have liked that at all. Did you want to tell him that? Was it fair of you? You weren't one for games when it came to relationships but you still were not reconciled with his past. However, you wouldn't lie to him, it would do no good.

"No." You bit back, then rubbed your forehead with your free hand, "I know I shouldn't say that but I'm not going to lie to you."

Severus nodded his head, "Then you will join the duelling club. No more has to be said." 

You slammed down the cauldron you were holding, the bang echoing through the room; you hated when he dismissed you like that. Had always hated it.

"Why do you always do that?" You yelled, the cauldron still reverberating off the table.

The rashness of your actions had finally made Severus pay attention to you.

"Do what?" He nipped.

"End the conversation when _you_ see fit! You don't always get to control everything, you know?" 

"Why do you even want to talk to me?" He stepped around his desk and you didn't know how to answer, at your silence, he stepped closer, - "What do you want to talk about? Hmm? What do you want from me?"

His dark eyes burned into yours, he didn't intimidate you, but he could set a fire in you. Your mouth dried, your thoughts too at war with your heart to push any words from your chest.

"I have to go," you declared and didn't bother to wait for a response, turning on your heels and leaving the classroom quickly. You bolted to your quarters.

Running away from the situation made you feel ridiculous but you couldn't say something fuelled by the feelings you still had for Severus when your mind was not ready.


	23. The Potion

Christmas preparations had begun at Hogwarts. Minerva had, as usual, taken names of all the students staying at school for Christmas. Sweeping your eyes over the list you noticed Harry, Ron and Hermione would all be here for the holidays; you were glad Harry wouldn't be alone. For 7 years you were on the list, it would never be the same as the family Christmases your friends would talk about but you were well accustomed to Hogwarts festivities. You were looking forward to the break, not that you were going anywhere, but to step back from work to pursue your own interests easier.

The teaching staff would also be down to a skeleton crew. Albus, Minerva, the ever aloof Sybill Trelawney, and yourself. You would be occupying the dungeons alone for two weeks; the thought was both relieving and saddening. Relieving because you would no longer have to carefully time leaving your quarters to avoid Severus and saddening because he wouldn't be there. What a ridiculously confusing situation you found yourself in.

Made even more confusing by being lumped on Hogsmeade duty with him at the weekend. It wasn't a difficult job, you just had to make sure the students weren't running amok in the village but after a full week of teaching, you didn't want to be freezing your arse off and trudging through snow. Not that the lessons were difficult either, they had started to wind down somewhat for the holidays, teachers becoming laxer and the pupils losing their attention span thinking of home or presents. Unsurprisingly, Severus was not one of those teachers, nor did he let the pupils relax. He did, however, allow you to teach the sixth years in their last period on Friday; you couldn't be sure of his motivations but you surmised it was to get a free period after some Bicorn Horn and Boomslang skin had gone missing from his stores. Sounded like someone was trying to make Polyjuice Potion, in your opinion.

When Saturday came it was freezing and the sky completely grey. The only reason it was remotely bright out was the blanketing of snow on the ground, which continued to fall elegantly from above. It had laid thick and slogging through it made your leg ache but you distracted yourself enough by making small talk with a couple of your students.

"What's Professor Snape doing on the trip, Professor l/n?" Sidney had asked.

"Well, he's doing the same as I am, making sure you rowdy lot don't upset the townsfolk," you replied jovially, hugging yourself for warmth.

"But he's never come before, Professor. Rumour has it that Dumbledore doesn't ever make him. Probably because he's so bloody grumpy!"

You raised your eyebrows to the boy, "You should probably watch who you say that in front of."

"Idiot," his friend muttered from Sidney's other side, - "Imagine saying that in front of another teacher."

"Yeah, but Professor l/n is actually alright. She's not as old and boring as all the rest," he replied huffily to his friend.

You laughed, "I can assure you I am very boring. Watch your mouth from now on, I might be younger but I'm still a teacher and Professor Snape is my colleague. I can't let you bad mouth him, I'm afraid." _Even if it is true._

Sidney rolled his eyes, "Yeah alright, Miss, sorry."

"Anyway, stop talking to this old, boring woman now. I think Felicity Goodstone would like your attention," you said as you tilted your head in the direction of the blonde-haired girl. Sidney blushed and hurried off in front, saying a quick goodbye as he went. You looked behind to see if there were any stragglers as you entered the village but there didn't appear to be any, you quickly scanned through the shops to make sure no one was making a fuss or needed you and then started to browse for yourself.

The shops were adorned with Christmas decorations and windows were full of goods to entice custom. The students mainly congregated at Honeydukes and Zonko's joke shop for obvious reasons. You did want to go to Honeydukes yourself, knowing Harry Potter wasn't going to receive many gifts, you'd decided you would buy him a selection of sweets to gorge on over the holidays. You'd try later though when the crowds had died down.

You escaped the cold in Shrivenshaft's; stomping the snow from your boots made you clench your jaw in discomfort. Once quite the lover of winter, the cold now agitated your leg so much that you had learned to dislike it. You only needed to buy ink but you browsed the quills, spotting one very like your own, but with a dark green feather. In the dull light, it almost looked black. You ran your hand along the cold metal of it and knew it would be perfect for him; he had admired your own one once before. But was that not hugely inappropriate? You thought. But, just like Harry, you couldn't imagine him receiving many gifts. Inevitably you decided to buy it, whether you would give it to him or not was another matter.

The next stop was a quick visit into the busy post office to send a gift you had made for Stephanie. It could have been sent by an owl, but that would mean using a school one and you weren't sure you trusted them with something that could easily be ruined. At least you'd have peace of mind this way and a lot of people must have had the same mindset as yourself as they stood there with parcels to send.

Hogsmeade, being a small village didn't offer a lot in the way of shops, so once you'd finished your two main errands you headed down the snowy path to the Three Broomsticks, to warm up properly. You'd have to ask Albus if you could forego trips in the snow, you thought, as you stomped off the snow again. With a faint limp, you ordered a mulled mead at the tastefully decorated bar and scanned for a nearby seat, and found one in the corner, away from the students. Perfect. Once seated you pulled your book from your bag and levitated it in front of you while you hugged the tankard of warm mead to your chest and let your mind slip into the story. The spiced smell of the winter drink added to the pub's festive atmosphere and you found yourself quite glad to be off school grounds.

Halfway through your drink, you heard someone clear their voice, well not just someone, Severus. You dipped the book lower so you could see over it, he was standing behind the spare seat on the other side of the small table, drink in hand, looking awkward.

"Do you mind?" He gestured to the chair.

"No, feel free," you replied quietly.

"My corner was descended upon by fifth years," he explained, annoyance in his sombre tones.

"The horror!" You said sarcastically and went back to your book but you couldn't help feel like he was watching you. Sighing you dipped the book again, "Something you want to say, Severus?"

He moved his gaze from you to the drink in front of him then took a vial from his pocket, placing it in the middle of the table.

You quirked your eyebrow, "I was told to be careful of strange men offering me drinks in bars," you teased, then smirked. _Why can you never stop flirting with him?_

"It's for your leg…" he cleared his throat, - "..something I've been working on. I saw you come in, you're limping. I knew you'd struggle today." 

_Oh._ You felt a familiar swell in your chest and an ache as your eyes rested upon him. At school you were more guarded, you never looked at him for too long, for when you did you found yourself remembering things you shouldn't. Not the woes of his memories but the sweetness of your own; the gentleness and the passion. Wanting nothing more than to smooth out the crease of his brow you moved your hand forward, then quickly stopped yourself and picked up the vial instead.

"Thank you. What is it?" You asked as you swirled the blue liquid around.

He finally looked up, "It should work as a pain relief and muscle relaxant."

"I've tried those before." You tried not to sound too dejected, he had worked on it especially, after all.

He smiled, seemingly quite excited, obviously not catching your forlorn tone, "This is much stronger, much more effective. I've been working on it for...well for a while," he finished quickly.

His smile had obviously been contagious as you copied him, "Should I take it now?"

"Well it's starting to snow again," he said as he turned and looked out the window, - "the walk back to school is going to be even more difficult if you don't."

Nodding your head in agreement you took the stopper out of the vial and swigged the concoction back. You grimaced at the taste but pushed it down your throat and immediately followed it with a sip of your mead.

"Tastes vile but I appreciate it." You put the stopper back in and handed it back, "I appreciate your concern, Severus, but..."

He starting speaking before you had finished your own sentence, "I have more ready and if it's successful I will make it again."

"...why are you doing this?" Leaning your elbow on the table and resting your head on your hand, you looked up at him and he at you. It was almost like the heartache of the last month hadn't happened between the two of you.

His finger tapped at his empty glass, "I know I acted petulantly the other day. I didn't mean to be quite so...standoffish," he said as he scratched along his jaw. You became entranced as the muscles tensed under his fingertips, - "and the potion is because, no matter what has happened or what you think of me, I can't watch you in pain. And I have watched your struggle get worse over the last few weeks, so anything to relieve that would bring me a semblance of peace."

As he spoke it seemed like the noise in the pub had evaporated into thin air, you knew there would be boundless distractions in there but none you could find. For all Severus thought of himself and the hard persona he wore in his everyday life, he could also be so intimately caring that it made you question everything. He had said he was the same as your father and you always knew he wasn't but the shock had stopped you from differentiating the two. You could see it. Severus had care and love inside of him. 

"I don't know what to say, Severus."

"You don't need to say anything, just accept my help." He countered softly. 

Nodding your head, you agreed, "Okay. How about another drink? My treat, as a thank you."

You went to stand but he was up and behind his chair before you could manage it.

"You need to let the potion take effect, I'll go. What would you like?" He asked kindly.

"Mulled mead, please." You replied.

You watched him walk to the bar and place your order with the barman. Sighing to yourself, you couldn't deny that you were still very much attracted to him. He glanced your way as the drinks were poured, both looking away quickly when your eyes met; a heat simmered in, up through your neck and to your cheeks. It was like you had started all over again, but were you ready for that? Would you ever be ready for that? You weren't sure.

Glancing around the pub you noticed some of the students looking in your direction, a few of the girls whispering to each other. Paranoia, that's all it was, you told yourself. You did remember what Sidney said though, how Severus was never asked to cover Hogsmeade and you had a suspicion it wasn't a coincidence.

Severus placed your drink down in front of you and took up his seat again.

"Thank you," you sipped the warm liquid and kept hold of the metal tankard to keep your hands warm. 

"I have a sneaky suspicion we've been set up, Severus," you said looking amidst the crowd more and sipping again.

"Yes, I agree. Dumbledore said it was not up for discussion and that I was the only one available. You?"

"I'm covering for Minerva...apparently," you rolled your eyes but then chuckled.

Severus did not see the funny side of it, "Meddling old fools. I have asked Dumbledore to stop; if that's any consolation."

You shrugged, "They mean well."

"Mmm," he groaned.

You didn't want the conversation to stop; honestly, you had missed talking to him, so you thought of something you could ask about.

"What are you doing for Christmas?"

"I'll be going home," he answered somewhat sadly.

"Don't tell me you're not excited about that, Severus? Finally away from all the dunderheads for a little bit,"

He took a large gulp of his drink then licked his bottom lip. _Stop gawking, y/n._

"That is a perk but I don't celebrate Christmas. I hear you're staying here," he added casually.

Shrugging your shoulders you turned your gaze to the window, "Nowhere else to go...but I don't mind, I'm well versed in Hogwarts Christmases. So, where is home?" 

Severus' face slumped. "Spinners End."

You felt the shock line your features. He still lived there? No wonder the holidays brought him no joy, being stuck in a place that held the memories it did.

"Is...is that not difficult?" You asked sympathetically, then quickly remembered yourself, "You don't have to answer, I probably shouldn't even ask, sorry."

" _Y_ _ou_ have nothing to apologise for." He paused." I suppose one could say that I am not very good at moving on."

You smiled meekly at his words. He wasn't just talking about the house, he was talking about everything else. His childhood and the bad decisions he made because of it, Lily, Harry, and maybe even yourself. The torment he put himself through showed; he was tired, the bags under his eyes evidenced his lack of sleep. The lines of his face looked deeper and his skin looked paler. He hadn't been taking care of himself.

"The snow is getting worse. How does your leg feel?" He said, redirecting the conversation.

You stretched it out in front of you, it was nowhere near as stiff and the pain was almost all gone.

"Much better, thank you. I should be able to get back fine now." You took a large drink of your mead and looked around, "I need to go to Honeydukes, and as most of the pupils seem to be sheltering in here now, it might be a perfect time."

"Okay." He replied though you didn't miss the twitch of his hand. That usually meant he was feeling something else.

"Mind if I leave my stuff here? I won't be long," you asked.

"That's fine."

"Thanks." You removed your purse from your bag and headed through the crowd towards the door. Your leg really did feel so much better; you'd tried a few things in the past, in the months after the accident but it only ever took the edge off, so you gave up on them. Not wanting to be stuck on a cocktail of potions that barely worked for however many years of your life.

There were still a few students milling around near and inside Honeydukes but it was much quieter now. The sugary smell hit your senses as you entered and the brightness made your eyes sting slightly. It was sunless and grey outside so the well-lit brightness of all the sweet wrappers was a stark contrast. You filled a basket of assorted treats for Harry, picked out a large box of chocolates for the staffroom, and a chocolate frog for yourself. You bit your lip, then took another chocolate frog. There was no harm in getting him one too, you thought.

"Sweet tooth, Professor?" The Weasley twins said in unison as they looked in your basket.

"It's not all for me, boys," you replied, noticing the Zonko's bag in Fred's hand, "What have you got in there?" Suspicion was evident in your voice.

"Don't worry," said Fred.

"Yeah, don't worry," repeated George.

"It's not for you!" They chimed together, winked, and then walked off.

_Oh please, don't let me catch them doing whatever they have planned._

You paid for the copious amount of sugar in your basket and then headed back to the pub. It felt louder in there after being outside and you had to whirl your way through quite a few bodies to get back to your table. A fresh drink was waiting for you when you did. Severus was mostly covered by a newspaper, which he began to close once he realised you were back.

"Don't stop on my account, I'll continue reading too," you said and levitated the book back to the appropriate height.

Severus peered over the newspaper still.

"Yes?" You asked, raising your eyebrow.

"What tragic love story are you reading now?" He asked.

"I've given up on love stories…" his face fell, _that was well thought out, y/n, -_ "A Christmas Carol, tis the season and all."

Inwardly chastising yourself for being so insensitive, you picked up your drink to hide your embarrassment.

"And do you believe that Scrooge was really a changed man?" He asked.

This felt like dangerous territory, you drank again to give yourself some time to process an answer. You licked the mead from your upper lip and began to speak.

"I believe so. It might have taken him a while to see his errors but he saw them eventually. I think there are only a very few people in this world that don't deserve redemption." You looked at the writing in your book but didn't comprehend any of it as your eyes skimmed over a line.

"And who are they?" He asked intensely.

"Those who don't care and those who don't try. Scrooge wanted his redemption and made it so. Do I think he was perfect along that path? No. But who is, really?" You shrugged your shoulders in the hopes it would make the atmosphere less tense.

"I'll let you get back to reading it," he said as he raised his newspaper to hide his face. You stared at the front page for a few seconds, deciding if you should say anything else. Pulling your eyes away, you decided to just leave it at that, you didn't want to make matters any worse. It had actually been a nice afternoon up until now.

You read until you were out of mead and then checked the time. Almost time to go. Severus was still reading, either that or avoiding you; you couldn't be sure. Placing the book down on the table, you rubbed your eyes and then stretched out your back, which popped satisfyingly. The warmth of the pub had made you sleepy and you were not looking forward to the cold walk back to the castle.

Maybe it was the warm Christmassy atmosphere that made your will power relax; as your eyes swam over Severus, the romantic in you found reading in each other's company a delight, but it still didn't feel right. Logic told you that Severus had done you no harm, he hadn't caused your pain, so it was unfair to compare his actions to what happened to you. You found in this instance, logic was falling behind in the competition.

He closed his paper and looked up, "We should start gathering them up."

"Urgh. But it's so warm in here and bloody freezing in my quarters," you moaned.

"I could persuade Lockhart to give up one of his," he said with a wicked look on his face

You chuckled, "I think you'd enjoy that too much."

"Most definitely."

"Anyway, I'm quite alright down there really."

"Very well," he said, rising from his chair.

You both headed to the meeting point in silence. Students dragged their feet, not wanting their fun to end and Severus remained surprisingly calm considering their dawdling. When all the names were crossed off the list, you began the journey back, before the last of the light died out. Much excitement buzzed between the pupils, mostly fuelled by sweets, you imagined. You quickly remembered that snow and excited teens did not mix well as a few snowballs began to be thrown but you kept your eye on it so it didn't get out of hand. Severus was several paces ahead of everyone; what he didn't see, wouldn't hurt him, you thought.

As if time slowed down, you saw a snowball fly from George Weasley's hand but glide past its intended target. _Oh shit._ And hit Severus in the back of the head. _Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit._ Everyone stopped and he turned slowly, his robes making him look twice as wide as he actually was, his eyes were black with rage but his face remained unmoving. You thought fast and bent down quickly, balled a large handful of snow, and clocked your target. _Sorry, George._ You threw it at the boy's head and it hit him in the neck, _close enough_. The sudden shock made him squeal and wriggle around as he tried to get it out from his coat. There was a roar of laughter from the other students.

"And again, Professor!" Someone yelled.

You looked up at Severus, he had subdued his temper and was watching on.

"Are you allowed to do that, Professor?" George moaned. Fred was tittering not far from him.

You picked up more snow, "I've read the rule book several times, Mr. Weasley, nowhere in there does it state that I can't throw a snowball at you. Or anyone else for that matter!"

From the corner of your eye, you could see a few more students start mounding snow into their hands. _Oh no, what have I started?_

The majority of the students stepped back but very quickly a flurry of snowballs were flying through the air. Thankfully you were far enough away from the village to not get a telling off from the locals and far enough from Hogwarts to not get a telling off from Minerva.

You got in some good shots, leaving students wailing with laughter and shock but you also took a fair few too. Your hair was damp and there was definitely snow down the front of your coat which was seeping into your bra but you were all having fun. Everyone needed it after this term. You realised the students were not likely to back down so you made a run for it, you'd not run in a long time but thankfully you weren't too unfit. You slid behind Severus and all snowballs halted.

"That's not fair!" A boy called out from the crowd.

"Alright, that's quite enough of the antics. Back to school!" Severus boomed with authority, though it wasn't menacing. Even with your distraction, you expected him to react but he hadn't. You ran back down towards the pupils to collect your things, which someone had helpfully moved out the way for you mid-fight.

When you got back to Hogwarts, the pupils were joking and laughing. You got a lot of goodbyes from them as they headed towards their common rooms and you towards the dungeons. Severus' footsteps echoed behind you.

"Have fun?" He asked, his tone was flat, giving you no indication of his feelings. Not that it mattered, well maybe it did, he was a senior member of staff after all.

"I did." His stride was longer than yours and he had caught up quickly, "I haven't been able to do anything like that since my injury, I really appreciate what you did for me."

He bowed his head slightly and smiled.

"And I'm glad you allowed that to happen." You were still in shock about it, to be honest. Severus never allowed tomfoolery.

"Well, it was quite amusing seeing George Weasley squeal like a little girl," he replied.

A short laugh erupted as you thought about it. "Definitely."

"And I don't think he needed much more punishment after that blow to the head!" Severus teased.

"Oh shut up, it wasn't that hard!" You both laughed.

When you made eye contact, it was as if you both suddenly remembered yourselves and the laughter petered out. You reached your door quickly; Severus looked like he wasn't going to stop until you said his name.

"I know you won't let me pay you for the drinks" _Stubborn._ "So you have to accept this," rifling through the sweets you found one of the chocolate frogs and presented it to him proudly.

He looked down at your proffered hand and took it from you, "It's a chocolate frog."

"Correct. Excellent observational skills, Professor."

Seeming confused as he looked down at the confectionary again, his lips pursed.

"Any particular reason why you bought it for me?" He asked.

You looked up in mock thinking, "Errmm, to eat perhaps?"

He blew a faint laugh through his nose, "Well, thank you."

The wrapper crinkled as he ran his thumb over the top of it.

"It's just a chocolate frog, Severus. No need for thanks." You didn't dare meet his gaze for fear of pulling him into your bedroom with you. You really needed to get your head straight. "Good night, enjoy!"

"Good night, y/n."

You didn't miss it. It made your breath hitch.


	24. The Christmas Star

You were the talk of the school come Sunday morning, the snowball fight had gone down a storm amongst the pupils. As you walked into the Great Hall for breakfast you were greeted kindly again and again.

"Professor, l/n!" Ron half-shouted and waved his hand frantically for you to come to him. You did so and greeted the usual trio.

"I heard you hit George with a snowball, Professor. That's bloody brilliant," he giggled and Harry did the same.

You laughed at their childhood innocence, "Yes I did. I hope your parents find it as funny as you do, Ron."

"They'll be fine. Wish I was there though," he said, crumpling his face in disappointment.

"Next year," you reassured as you tapped him on the shoulder and walked to the top table.

You felt Minerva's eyes on you as you made your way there; a walk of shame came to mind. It wasn't a question as to whether you should sit next to her or not, she clearly wanted to talk to you. You bypassed Severus, at the end of the table, and ducked quickly to talk to him.

"How much trouble am I in?" You whispered near his ear. You tried not to get too close but you could smell his familiar scent and it made you want to edge forward more.

The telltale stiffening of his body had at least made you feel less awkward, you weren't the only one struggling, "If you're talking about Minerva, she's already spoken to me this morning."

"Andddd?"

"And, I think you'd better hear it from her. Now go on, she's waiting," he said smirking, then continued his breakfast.

You straightened up and walked over to the spare seat next to Minerva and sat down.

"Good morning," you said nervously.

"Good morning, y/n." Silence. Then she began to speak again, "I heard about your frivolity with the pupils yesterday..."

"Minerva, I can explain.." you spoke over each other.

"...well done."

"What?" You said dumbfounded.

"I said well done. Do listen, dear," she said sipping from her teacup, "It's been a difficult term, with many of the pupils nervous and unhappy. This seems to have alleviated some of that. However, don't make a habit of it, please." She gave you her teacher's look; it said you weren't in trouble, this time.

"Of course," you breathed out a sigh of relief. _Severus_. You leaned back in your chair and stared at him until he turned his head in your direction. You mouthed "bastard" and turned away again. Not missing the smug look on his face.

"You know Gilderoy is throwing the teachers a Christmas party next Monday, once the bulk of the pupils go home," Minerva said, bringing your attention back to her.

Your face dropped immediately, "Joy."

"Dumbledore wants everyone there. Morale apparently," she didn't sound pleased at the idea and neither were you. It hardly seemed like the right climate for a party, considering there were children in the hospital and something going around petrifying people. 

"Oh, don't say that, Minerva. You've ruined my weekend now," you said dramatically.

"Free bar at least?" She raised her eyebrow in judgment, - "joking, of course." _Totally not joking._

You spent most of your day holed up in your room marking the end-of-term assignments to give back to the pupils next week. The more you did today, the less time you'd spend wading through parchments in your evenings next week, so it was worth it. At some point you were expecting Hagrid to arrive with a small Christmas tree he had promised to find for your room, that would be your reprieve from the dull musings of the students.

The music from your record player accompanied you whilst you worked and you began humming along to the Christmas carol that was playing; you remembered it from your childhood. Sitting back in your chair, you closed your eyes and let the vision of your mother decorating a Christmas tree wash over you. She was hanging decorations and singing to the carol; she had a beautiful voice and would sing at any opportunity. Your love for music must have been picked up from her.

However, those moments of happiness were only there in the absence of your Father, he had no time for the "muggle crap" that she taught you and even less time for the two of you. You were sure he only turned up to remind her who was in control; you were more like his property than his daughter and she was an inconsequential pawn. You pushed him back out of the memories and focussed on the happier times. Of your mother lifting you in her arms so that you could place the star on top of the tree; it had taken a few attempts but you did it in the end.

The tear that meandered down your cheek was a mixture of happiness and sorrow. You had never tried to find your Mother, always too afraid of the implications it could cause her. As far you were aware, she'd managed to escape once, what if she wasn't so lucky a second time? What if it was her life next time? No. It was just never worth risking her too, no matter how much you wanted to know her.

You were protecting her. _He's protecting you._ You pinched the top of your nose with your thumb and finger and groaned. For someone who thought they had almost total control of their mind, your thoughts about Severus were often intrusive. His display of affection after lunch probably hadn't helped; he'd taken you aside and asked you to let him know when the potion's effects started wearing off so he knew how long the dosage worked for. Just like yesterday, his concern had pulled you towards him but the weight of everything else dragged you back. Not that it mattered, it wasn't a choice; Severus didn't want you to choose him because he didn't want you to be put in a place of danger. Understanding what it was like to be in that position didn't help the frustration, you disliked having choices made for you; you'd already spent most of your life in that position. Pushing it all aside you continued with your work.

Hagrid, as promised, had found you a small tree for your room and his merry mood helped lift your own. You locked the memories of your mother away for another time and made Hagrid a much-needed cup of tea.

"I've never been in 'ere before," he remarked. The giant was very close to the low ceilings and you were a little concerned he'd hit his head if he wasn't careful.

"Well, you've not missed much. Unless you class spiders, coldness, and damp issues as appealing features," you joked as you steeped the teabag. 

"Oh, I quite like spiders," he chuckled.

You laughed again, "Of course you do. I suppose your hut is quite the haven for creepy crawlies."

"Indeed it is. How are you anyway?" He asked as you passed him his cup, his large frame looked comical sitting on your small sofa.

"I'm doing okay," you replied after a second in thought, then sipped at your drink.

"Still doe-eyed over Severus?" You almost choked on your tea. What was with everyone's obsession over the two of you?

"Not you as well, Hagrid," you huffed and wiped the liquid from your lips, -"And my eyes were not doe-like, I'll have you know."

"Mhmm," he blew the steaming tea and then finished half the cup in one gulp.

"It might seem like a big school but word gets around. Usually from students so you can't always trust it but I knows love when I see it." He said in complete seriousness.

"Hagrid!" You admonished playfully. You didn't even entertain that word when you thought of Severus, too afraid to even go there. He chuckled loudly and ran his chunky hand over his beard.

"No one has any filter around here," you couldn't help but laugh with him, - "and _I_ don't know everything that goes on, very little in fact! Bloody hell."

"Well, that's because you're hidin' down here so much. Get your head out of those parchments and books for a while," he waved at your desk, which in fairness, was covered in parchments and books.

You shrugged, "I don't mind the solitary life. I'm here to do a job, Hagrid."

"Neither do I but at least I've got the scenery and Hogwarts is never just a job, y/n, ya know that," he said as he looked at the dank walls of your dungeon quarters.

"Well, at least I have a lovely tree to keep me company now...and I haven't been stuck in here all the time. I...I've been sitting with Colin a lot; I suppose half the school knows about that as well."

"Yes" He replied bluntly, stifling another bout of laughing. 

"Oh for Merlin's sake," you rolled your eyes.

"Heard about the snowball fight too." He added. That one you didn't mind. 

You smiled proudly, "Everyone's heard about that one."

One more gulp and he had finished his tea, "Right, I best be off. Need to get the trees to Minerva soon enough. Are you helping to decorate them?"

"No. Minerva and Filius have it under control, apparently. Surprised you didn't know," you winked, - "and now I have my own to do anyway. Thank you for getting that."

"You're welcome," he ducked his head to fit through the door and pounded down the corridor.

Watching as he disappeared, you then glanced to Severus' quarters. It seemed you couldn't avoid him, no matter how hard you tried. Something pushed you towards him; you started walking at an alarmingly fast pace considering you had no idea what you were going to say. You knocked on his door three times and waited for a response, it never came. Dejectedly, you walked back to your own quarters, the momentary adrenaline was dissipating and pulling you back into a slump.

You slouched in your desk chair and looked over the last of the parchments you needed to mark, not too many left to do but all motivation had gone out of the window now. Opening your top drawer, you reached for an envelope; inside it was the small note Severus had left you. It was embarrassing how many times you had taken it out, especially considering how little it said; maybe you hadn't tried hard enough to rid him from your mind. You were still down here in the dungeons with him, you still kept his note, you still wanted his attention. _Urgh, what have you become?_

Taking a spare piece of parchment and your quill, you carefully wrote your own note.

 _My quarters._ _9_ _pm._

_Y/n_

You folded it and then hurried back out of your quarters to his, you looked around to make sure no one had wandered down the corridor and then slipped the note under his door. Hagrid was right, you spent too much time in your room marking, planning, and reading. Not that that was a bad thing, but you'd not been balancing it with much else. You felt refreshed after yesterday's trip, so maybe a walk would help to do that again. Even if it was freezing.

Layered up to brace the cold, you left the musty, damp atmosphere of the dungeons for the crisp, wintery outside. You filled your lungs with the cold, fresh air and then breathed it out your mouth slowly. A puff of clouds forming in front of you. 

"Lumos." You lit your path and walked slowly through the virgin snow, pain-free, thanks to Severus. You had enough time and needed the space to collect your thoughts; your mad dash to Severus' room earlier was impetuous, you were glad he wasn't in because you'd had no clue what you were going to do or say.

It was a beautiful night, the moon not quite full but close, the air was still and quiet; you listened to your breathing and the rhythmic crunching of snow under your feet, mixed with the occasional call of an owl. You didn't regret your nights with Colin but you should have done this ages ago. Now all you had to think about was what you were going to say to him this evening. If he turned up that is.

The Whomping Willow had healed after its altercation with the Weasley's car and by all accounts, its temper was worse than ever. It shook off the snow that had fallen onto it then settled back into stillness. You strolled past Hagrid's hut, he must have still have been busy as there was no light coming from it; the poor thing was probably still lumping trees to the Great Hall.

A few minutes later you had walked to the edge of The Forbidden Forest, though technically not forbidden to you anymore, it still felt off-limits. The line of thick trees blocked visibility in the daytime, so at night it was almost impossible to see what lay hidden in the vast expanse of eerie land. It was less quiet down there, strange sounds emanated from beyond the trees but you didn't dwell on what they might be; you knew you were safe where you were. As long as your feet stayed on Hogwarts' grounds, you were untouchable to the creatures that lived there and vice-versa, but the urge to step across was there. Instead, you toed a line in the snow. _Safety. Danger._ It would only take a step.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Severus' raised voice came from a distance, you turned and saw his figure coming into view. He was walking quickly. _Seriously? How?_

"I could ask you the same thing!" You replied, loud and annoyed.

"Bloody Filch said there was a student heading towards the Forbidden Forest. He's obviously going blind, the cretin," he pushed the hair from his face; you could see he was concerned as the moonlight finally lit his features. It somehow made him look paler than usual. Made the lines in his face deeper and the remnants of sleepless nights under his eyes darker.

"Well, I suppose I should be flattered that he thinks I look so youthful." You mused. 

"Are you okay? It's freezing out here," he asked, getting closer but stopping before he came into contact with you.

"I'm fine, I just came out for a walk. I can do that easier now," you winked. _Urgh, don't wink you, idiot._

"Snowball fights and escaping to the forest were not the first two things I thought you'd be doing with fewer restrictions," he said.

"No? What did you have in mind?" He cleared his throat and looked away towards the forest, his cheeks reddening.

"Wait, no, that's not what I meant," you laughed out of sheer embarrassment and covered your face. Thankfully you heard him laugh as well.

Sighing, you shook your head, "You have to stop sneaking up on me. It makes me say stupid things."

"Nothing you say is stupid," he said quietly.

You smiled at him, he was still looking ahead but you knew he saw it. _The note_.

"Err, you didn't go back to your room before coming to stalk me did you?"

He snapped his head in your direction, "I'm not stalking you, I explained why I was here...okay I have been checking on you some times. Just to make sure…"

"Severus, it was a joke," you rolled your eyes, but sweet Jezebel, he was adorable when he was flustered.

"How did you know I wasn't in my room?" He asked. You clenched your jaw and scrunched your nose up at him.

"I left a note for you...asking you to meet me in my quarters at 9," you looked at your watch, "You're going to be late by the way," you joked.

"So are you," he quipped as he raised his eyebrow.

"Touché!"

Severus' back stiffened, "What did you need to see me about?"

"Just to talk," you shrugged and toed at the line again. _Safety. Danger._ "If you want to, that is."

Watching him in your peripheral vision, he scrunched his brow tight and let out a deep breath, a stream of air visible in front of him.

"Okay but let's go now before you freeze to death."

The walk back to your quarters was quiet and conversation sparse but if Severus was anything like you, he was thinking through every scenario that might play out.

When you got back you shrugged off your winter cloak and hung it up near the door and took off your boots. Your fluffy blue socks now on display. Severus raised his brow again.

"Cute," he teased.

"Thanks."

"Always with the blue though." He pointed out. 

"It's my colour," you replied and pulled the scarf from around your neck. Severus stood still in the doorway, hands behind his back.

"Are you going to come in, or are you going to make this even more awkward than it already is?" You asked, part teasing, part sincerity. It did feel awkward and you hated that.

He closed the door but still stood close to it

"Shoes and robes off. You're going to want to be comfy," his eyes widened and his cheeks flushed. _Still got it._

"Why?" He asked cautiously. You pointed to the bare Christmas tree in the corner.

"I need to decorate that and...I'd like you to help me."

"And again. Why? I'll be honest I'm a bit perplexed." He muttered, a tense look playing on his features. 

"By the tree?" Your voice raised an octave in confusion.

"By all of this, by being back here as if nothing has changed," he vented, his hands finally released from behind him. 

"Oh...well if you don't want to that's okay," you hid the disappointment from your voice, you didn't want to make him feel like he had to stay. Manipulation wasn't your thing. 

"It's not a question of want, y/n. You know that." His voice was serious but soft.

You stepped closer to him, "You said yesterday that you couldn't see me in pain any longer and I...I feel the same way," he met your eyes then, - "but I don't know how to give myself peace on that. I know some of the pain in your eyes and the tiredness of your walk is down to me. I know that I stood in this room and told you that it didn't matter what had happened in your past."

You couldn't help but picture Severus lifting you up and taking you into the bedroom, your eyes drifted from him as if he'd be able to see what was on your mind.

"And then it did matter." You said dejectedly.

"I don't expect anything from you, y/n, if this has anything to do with the potion.."

"It doesn't," you interjected, "I know you don't expect anything from me, I've never felt like you did. You probably think I hate you but I don't. I really don't… shit, it would be so much easier if I did. I resented you for a while," Your rambling was getting more intense but you couldn't stop the thoughts you had pent up over the weeks, - "I was angry at what you'd done and angry because you let me open myself to you, you willingly let me into your memories and then you sent me away. Shut me out completely and didn't give me a chance!"

Your hands were frantically moving while you talked, now that you had stopped, you rested them on your hips; as if the outpouring of emotions had exhausted you.

Severus looked like a child who had been severely told off; like the boy he once was.

"I already knew you were going to leave, I thought it would be easier for us both if I was the one to do it," his voice was barely audible.

"How did you know that?" You asked and swiped at the tear that had gathered at the brim of your eye.

"Experience," he said with a venomous tone.

You stepped closer again and watched his nervous reaction, "We...you and I, are so complicated, have been complicated from the very beginning; I wouldn't compare it to anyone else. I don't."

"I'm sorry," he said over you.

"Don't be, it's not like I've made it any easier either." You admitted. 

A small smile formed on Severus' face, he looked relieved, "You don't how glad I am that you don't hate me, but.."

"But it doesn't change anything, does it?" You gave him a look of understanding, "I've felt what you feel inside. You're never going to forgive yourself."

"I'm not worth the risk, y/n," he said sombrely. You could tell he truly believed that.

"Isn't that for me to decide?" You asked.

Severus paused for a moment.

"And what have you decided?" His hand moved from his side and reached for your face, you felt like you should stop him but you didn't want to. The slightly rough skin of his thumb made contact with your cheek and you could feel yourself soften to him even more, - "because, to me, you are worth far more than I am. The best thing I can give you is protection from it all," his thumb left your cheek and you let out the breath you were holding.

"I," you felt your throat tighten, you cleared it and breathed deeply through your nose to stop any tears that may try to appear, - "I understand but I don't want your protection, I'm fed up with being hidden away because of psycho, power-hungry men."

Severus didn't reply.

"I'm not going to push or beg, I'm not even sure what it is we should be," you sighed, - "but if nothing else I'd like to be friends."

He nodded slowly, "Friends...cautiously. Lucius has already been sniffing around you, as you know."

"And you have to keep up an appearance for the other Death eaters still out there."

He looked at you in surprise and you rolled your eyes.

"Don't forget what I used to do, Severus or that I've seen some of your memories. I can put 2 and 2 together, run with it and make 8."

Laughter escaped Severus' mouth and the tension between the two of you began to dissolve.

"Now are you going to help me with this tree or not?"

He huffed but began to undo his cloak, then took off his boots.

"Good choice. I'll just go get some decorations." You turned and headed for your bedroom. Closing the door for some privacy you blew out slow, shaky breaths; letting out the melting pot of emotions that had mixed itself together while talking to Severus. You pulled a small box from underneath your bed, straightened up, and put on a relaxed face as you left the bedroom.

Severus was inspecting the tree, he'd shed his robes and jacket, and was standing in your living room in his fitted shirt and waistcoat. _Friends, just friends._ Setting the box down on the sofa, you went to make a few drinks. As you turned back around with them he was watching you.

"Drink?"

"Please." He replied.

"So, Minerva told me she was going to enchant the trees in the Great Hall with snow," you sipped your drink, - "I think I might steal that idea."

"Scandalous." He mocked.

You set down both drinks on the fireplace and took out your wand.

"Be careful, we don't want a snowstorm," he feigned concern.

"Hush or I'll make a snowball," he laughed. At least it wasn't as strained between the two of you since you came back in the room. Flitting your wand up and down, snow began to fall from above the tree.

"Now decorations….wait, first we need music," you jogged over to your record player and put on the carols from earlier.

"I haven't decorated a tree since I was young," Severus said, "It could go horribly wrong."

"We just add the baubles now, space them out evenly...easy." You clapped your hands together in excitement.

He turned to the box of decorations and scoffed under his breath, "Easy."

Pointing your wand at the tree again, you decided to add some lights to the ends of the branches. They twinkled subtly against Severus' face as he began placing the blue and silver decorations. You joined in; you both knew how to work around each other well from being in the potions classroom, so there were no awkward bumps or knocks. There were however a few stolen glances, which you'd both only acknowledge with a smile.

The familiar carol played quietly in the back, the one from earlier, it made you more glad of Severus' quiet company; not wanting to get lost in your thoughts again. It was surprising he had agreed, you thought he might just sit back, drink and make snide comments but he worked meticulously as he always did. It looked great. There was just one thing left to do. Add the star. Severus had picked it up out of the box and was looking it over, it was a bit shabby from age but you wouldn't use anything else. There were some things you had salvaged from your childhood, the Christmas star being one of them. You had insisted you take it with you when your Grandmother took you from your Mother's home; you weren't even bothered by the presents that lay abandoned under the tree.

"Last one. I'll let you do the honours," he said and walked over to you, passing the star. Your fingers touched and Severus pulled his hand back as if he had been burned, you turned quickly to the tree to put the star on. _Friends._ You took your time, making sure it was straight and secure but also giving you both some time to ignore that moment.

When your heart finally stopped pounding too hard you turned back around, Severus still looked in a state of shock. It wasn't that big of a deal surely?

"What's wrong?" You asked.

"How did you do that?" He asked puzzled and concerned.

Your brow furrowed, "Do what?"

Severus seemed to be losing control of his breathing as stared at you.

"Your mother, she was blonde...frail-looking," he said as he turned his attention to the star.

There was no way he could know that, you didn't even have any pictures of your Mother.

"How do you know that?" Your voice broke.

"I saw it, when you, when we touched."

You looked at him equally confused.

"What? That's not possible!"


	25. Connections

"Try it again!" You said and held out your hand to him. Simultaneously, eager and nervous to see if you could repeat what had just happened but you could tell Severus didn't agree with what you were asking. 

"I don't think that's a good idea," he replied, edging back and folding his arms behind himself. 

"You're not even curious, Severus?" You said, following his direction.

"I'm not sure curious is the right word, if this happened with others, with what you know about..." 

You interrupted, he was getting too far ahead of himself as he often did.

"Severus, nothing like that, not even a slither of anything like that, has occurred since I was young. I have had control of my Legilimency for years. I still have control of it," stepping closer slightly, you voiced a slightly crazy thought, - "I don't think it was a freak coincidence. I was controlling everything."

He raised his eyebrow. Clearly not convinced.

"Well, you tell me then, have you ever experienced what you just did? Because I know when you shared your memories with me, nothing had ever been so vivid and easy."

It was true, usually, deeper memories like that were so entangled in the mind, that they were like a puzzle. Sometimes completely unsolvable. 

"No, never before," Severus answered, - "But what has that got to do with it?"

"I've been thinking about it since that day. It just felt so different. It was so clear and I could feel every emotion you had stored in those memories, Severus. Not just see it, feel it in here," you said as you put your hand over your chest.

"The star," you both glanced at the tree, "It's an emotional connection to my mother and it had already played havoc with my memories today. I could barely get her out of my head when I was working earlier."

Something Severus said the night you saw his memories came back to you then.

"You said you were having dips in control...when were they?" You asked starting to sew together thoughts that had been ruminating for a few weeks.

His eyes met yours and his cheeks flushed subtly, "During…"

"Sex?" You finished.

"Yes," his pupils dilated subtly; you wondered if he had the same images playing through his mind. The ones that were running wild through yours.

"Me too," you whispered. Pulling your eyes away from his, you sat down on the armchair. You needed to concentrate on this, not on past trysts and you couldn't do that if you were looking at him.

"And...that's never happened before?" He asked tentatively.

It hadn't. Not once before, not even with David, which shot a wave of guilt through you. You had loved, still loved David, but things never felt as intense. Not like they did with Severus.

You simply answered, "No," and stared at the fire.

The silence between you lay thick in the air, even the crackling of the flames seemed to quell its intermittent noise to make space for your thoughts. You weren't sure if you were just overthinking all of this or not; maybe it was just a freak mishap but that didn't sit right with you. Magic wasn't always logical but was rarely coincidental.

Severus's voice broke through the muggy atmosphere first.

"It's a first for me too...though I'm not sure that's much of a consolation." He muttered quietly as he sat on your sofa and tapped his fingers gently on the arm.

"What does that mean?" You asked as you turned your attention towards him.

"Let's just say, not many prior involvements were based on emotional attachments. Any actually. Until you." He admitted sheepishly. 

_Severus, you do pick your moments to tell me these things._

"So just lust." You stated, hoping he didn't hear the twang of jealousy in your voice, you chastised yourself for even feeling remotely jealous. You had no right.

His face didn't agree with your deduction, "More like a necessity."

You held your hands up, "Okay, I've heard enough of that, thank you."

The last thing you wanted to think about was him in bed with another. Severus pressed his lips together firmly as if realising he had divulged too much.

"I still dream about you," you blurted out, to avoid another awkward impasse. _Shit._

"Not in a cliché way." You were about to open again, - "I seem to only dream about people that I have a visceral connection to. My mother birthed me, my Grandmother nurtured me, my Father tried to...well you know, kill me...and then there's you, which I don't know, I don't know what that means," you said shrugging your shoulders with annoyance.

Severus watched you carefully and made no move to interrupt your thoughts. Rubbing your forehead roughly you could feel the sorrow filling you again.

"I don't even dream of…" Your voice cracked, "of David and erm, I only ever h..hear the baby. I can never see her. I suppose that makes sense," you tapered off sadly.

"Wow, that all sounds fucking stupid out loud." Your head dropped into your hands.

_Am I going mad?_

Raising your head to see if Severus was going to say anything, hot tears streamed slowly down your cheeks and he leaned forward on the sofa. It looked like he might reach his hand out to you but then he clenched his fist tightly before lacing it with his other hand.

"It doesn't sound stupid," he reassured.

"What's the one thing that can fuck up our abilities, Severus?" You asked as you rubbed away the tears harshly with your sleeve.

"Emotions," Severus's voice was strained, his eyes burrowing into your tearful state.

Pulling at the loose thread on your jumper, you threw another question at him.

"What did we let ourselves become with each other?"

"Emotional," he answered, his tone suggesting he knew where you were going with this.

"When you projected your memories onto me, what if it forged something? A sort of unconscious connection. I'm dreaming about you and you seem to have a weird, sixth sense on my location...unless you really do just watch my every move...weird by the way, if that's the case." You wagged your finger at him in jest.

"I do not," he said sternly through his teeth but his gaze remained warm.

"Sorry, distracting myself with poor humour, as usual...but put those together and we already seemed to have a pull to each other. Magical bonds are not unheard of, Severus."

He nodded in agreement, "Correct but they're also not common and can be extremely dangerous. And anyway, I've touched you hundreds of times."

You didn't miss how his eyes skimmed over your body when he said that. 

"Not since the memories, Severus." _I miss it._

He clenched his jaw, "I know," his eyes dipped from yours, - "But I touched you there," he pointed to the door.

"I touched your face and nothing happened then."

Severus was right, he had touched you there. What was different in that short amount of time? Closing your eyes, you filtered through the memory.

"Okay, so we were talking," you began out loud, "and then you lifted your hand slowly and I was going to stop you but I didn't because I'd readied myself for you to touch me. I wanted you to."

You opened your eyes. "When you touched me by the tree, you took me off guard. I was thinking about my mother and I was emotional, and then you touched me without warning."

"You wanted me to touch you?" He asked quietly.

You cleared your throat, "Let's stay on topic shall we?"

"Sorry," he dipped his head briefly then brought it back up, "I...I know you're in control though. I've fought against. It's far too strong."

"As is yours but I projected to you with no barriers and without even knowing I'd done it," resting your face in your hands, a flicker of doubt set in, what if you really were losing control?

"My abilities are different to those of a trained Legilimens, or at least that's what I've been told."

"How so?" Severus asked. 

"I don't turn my Legilimency on. I turn it off." You answered.

Severus pursed his lips, "You've never mentioned that before."

You shrugged, "It never seemed relevant. I don't use it and it doesn't happen with Occlumens, anyway. Albus surmised, when I was in my first-year, that it's because I was born like this. He said there were other, more subtle differences, too."

"Albus?" Severus asked harshly, "What does Albus have to do with this?"

His posture straightened and his face went from caring to serious.You looked at him confused.

"Albus trained my Occlumency, well strengthened it when I got to Hogwarts. Said it was important. He helped me with the Leglimency too, at times."

His eyes narrowed in thought, he stood up and paced slowly, clicking his tongue every so often. You didn't try to break his concentration but watched as his face poured through mannerisms. Until something stopped him.

"Albus!" he spat, "Always the opportunist!"

His fists were balled up tight by his sides and he looked like he might pop a blood vessel at any moment. In your concern, you stood up and joined him, though you kept your distance.

"Severus, what's wrong?"

"I think...I think he's done something. I have from time to time confided in Albus regarding...you," he paused and you smiled at him warmly, "Whilst we thought he was just pushing for us to be in a relationship, I can't help but think he's had an ulterior motive. I always wondered how he thought it would work." 

"Carry on," you coaxed, though a little hurt Severus thought it wouldn't work. 

"I had spoken to him prior to coming back to you that night; he suggested that you could help me, that you could...protect me. He was the one to suggest showing you…" His voice drifted off, he walked to the fireplace and downed his drink in one.

"I'm going to go talk to him!" He emphasised "talk" but clearly no talking would be done.

"Wait," you jumped in front of him, blocking his path, - "It's late and you're clearly pissed off."

Severus had a cool temper, his anger would manifest quietly, sometimes hard to detect.

"And we don't even know for sure, Severus. It's just a theory, a completely illogical theory because I don't know how else to explain it, because if there was something wrong with me and if I couldn't control it any more, you may as well just Obliviate me now. I would be a liability to both you and Harry." The sadness seeped out of your voice because it was true; that would be the best thing for all of you but it made you feel sick to think about losing those memories.

Severus' face dropped. His fingers twitched for a moment and then raised his hand. Palm up.

"I thought you weren't curious," you whispered.

"You've piqued my interest," he replied, there was something dark behind his voice that made you inwardly shudder, - "And if it's this or having you forget me, I choose this." 

The sentiment made your heart tighten; like he had squeezed it in his hand. Holding your eyes with his, he edged his hand ever so slightly forward and yours lifted slowly to fuse a connection. Fingertips brushed against each other before your palms met.

"Anything?" You asked worriedly.

"No," he said, almost disappointedly, "You?"

"Nothing." Nothing but joy anyway. It felt electric but not magically. 

_It's too controlled. Y_ ou'd had time to guard your emotions, whether you meant to or not. As you moved your hand from his, Severus looked dispirited, you were too. You'd missed his touch more than you realised and the emptiness that was left behind was far more painful than you'd expected.

You wanted his touch back.

Not thinking about it for a beat longer you quickly closed the gap between the two of you and collided your lips messily into his, your head turned foggy…

_"It's already over, Albus", Severus snapped, looking almost tearful, "The look on her face proved she was disgusted by me and that's better for everyone."_

_Albus sat in his office chair looking at him pitifully._

_"I won't let history repeat itself, I at least want her to remember I had some decency left inside of me…"_

The fog lifted, Severus was holding you at arm's length with a mixture of fear and anger on his face. 

"What was that?" He huffed as he let go of your arms.

"It worked!" You said excitedly, for a moment you thought you were going mad, but it worked.

"Albus is still on your mind...and I wasn't, I'm not disgusted by you, Severus!"

"You had no right to do that." He spat.

Your back immediately stiffened at the aggression in his voice. "What? You wanted to try it!"

He shook his head, his hair blocking a full view of his face, before he pushed it back. "I didn't say kiss me, did I?"

"Well, no, that was the point, it was meant to take you off guard!" You argued back.

"Well done. You accomplished" Grabbing his jacket he pushed his arms through the sleeves roughly, he moved around the room huffing as he did so. 

"No, I didn't mean it like that. Severus," you argued again, but he didn't even look at you this time.

"Severus!" But raising your voice made him pay attention.

"What are you doing?" You asked calmer.

"I'm leaving." _Fuck, y/n you impulsive idiot._ His reply was blunt and he'd reigned in the emotion in his voice. Forcing his foot into his shoe, you walked over quickly to be in front of him.

"I'm sorry." Wincing at how pathetic that sounded, you were at least glad he was occupied with dressing himself.

Straightening up, he looked at you, misery in the onyx of his eyes.

"In my moments of weakness I have imagined you kissing me again, to feel you, to feel good again, but never did I think I'd wind up your experiment for it."

 _Fuck._ He looked so hurt, so used. You didn't mean to make him feel like that, you wanted to kiss him because you missed him. 

"Seve.."

He set upon you again, "I may be loathsome and lonely but I don't need scraps thrown my way, y/n."

"Severus, please!" You grabbed his arm and was immediately bombarded with the memory of Lily walking away from their friendship then it muddled into you leaving his quarters weeks ago.

"Fuck," jumping back in pain you then had to scramble to apologise, - "Shit, I'm sorry," you panted.

Pushing your hand into your chest to stop the ache, you searched his eyes, his ashen face looked like a deer in headlights.

"Severus, you have to believe that I am not disgusted by you and I wasn't throwing you scraps."

He'd been the butt of cruel jokes and pranks, he'd felt the pain of unrequited love and the ruination of his friendship with her because of his stupidity. You felt it all.

"I wanted to kiss you. Not because I wanted to see if it would work, but because once I took my hand away, I couldn't think of anything else."

Severus remained unmoving in body and expression. You didn't blame him. It was the wrong thing to do. 

"I understand why you still think about her and that's okay but it's not the same, Severus. You know that, and if you don't then I'm sorry."

How had this night gone so horribly wrong? The tears began to well again, _for fuck sake!_

"I don't pity you, Severus and this wasn't an experiment. That didn't even cross my mind!" You reaffirmed as you wiped away the tears, which left the skin under your eyes feeling tight and itchy.

His silence came to an end in whispered words, "I hate seeing you cry."

The statement made you want to cry, even more, it was completely unexpected and the heavy feeling it left in your chest made it harder to breathe. You inhaled deeply, trying to get some semblance of composure back. 

"I hate crying, yet I seem to have done more of it since arriving at Hogwarts than I have in a long time." If you didn't know any better, you could have sworn Severus' eyes were glistening; a precursor to his own tears.

Holding up his hand so you could see it, he edged it closer to you and touched your arm. No reaction: a good sign. He pulled you slowly to him, not breaking eye contact, not risking a surprise, then took you in his arms and embraced you tightly. Being against his chest was a balm to your aching body, Severus also seemed to relax into you but his strong arms remained tightly wrapped around you.

"We need to go get this under control." He said softly.

"Which bit?" 

He laughed sadly, "All of it."


	26. For Both Our Sakes

When Monday morning rolled around you were tired and lacked the energy you desperately needed to get you through the last week of term and it didn't improve as the days meandered on. You couldn't blame the pupils for being excited but if they had the ability to tone it down a notch that would have suited you much better.

Aside from the festivities and the newly decorated hall, the other chatter in the air, was, of course, the dueling club happening on Thursday; even though you'd had the okay to go you thought you might skip it. You told your fourth year Defence Against the Dark Arts class at the end of Wednesdays' lesson that you might be there but you were making no promises.

Once they had left, you packed your bag and quickly closed the blinds in the classroom with a few sharp flicks of your wand. You needed to go meet Pomona to help with the care of the Mandrakes before dinner and you definitely needed a shower before that. When you got there she was already pottering around the greenhouse humming lightly to herself.

"Afternoon, Pomona," you greeted as you took your apron and gloves from your bag, - "How are the little buggers?"

"The few I've checked are doing well so far, if you take the other bench, we'll be done in no time. I need to try to keep it as warm as possible in here, the temperatures seem to have got a lot worse this week." She worried.

"If needs be I'm happy to come to check later in the evenings to make sure it's warm enough," you offered reassuringly.

She looked delighted, "If you don't mind. Oh, I've also decided to stay on school grounds for Christmas, I feel too awful leaving you alone to tend to all these over the break."

"Oh, it's no bother, Pomona, honestly.." You were interrupted before you could tell her you didn't have much planned for the holidays.

"I know but it just wouldn't sit right with me, it's only one Christmas and I don't have all that much to do at home anyway." She said, smiling at you. Radiating warmth and care, you understood she felt a sense of duty towards them.

Returning her smile, you simply answered with an, "Okay," and turned to the Mandrakes you needed to attend to.

"Please don't think this is a swipe at your ability, I think you're very gifted in Herbology even though I know it's not going to be where you settle next year."

You turned, brow furrowed slightly, "What do you mean?"

"We all see where your heart lies and rightly so, I've heard wonderful things about your potion classes." You suddenly felt very awkward as she pointed out her observations. 

"Oh, I..err," you stumbled on your words, not sure what to say. 

"Oh don't worry," she waved off, "As long as you don't mind me dragging you down here from time to time, I won't be offended at all."

You chuckled, "You run a hard bargain but you've got a deal."

You didn't completely want to step away from caring for the plants, you enjoyed it, but it would be nice that it would become a pastime instead of a requirement. The two of you worked in relative quiet after that; a few questions and small talk here and there but you both enjoyed the quiet.

"Looking forward to the party next week?" Pomona asked at one point, as she carefully dug into a pot.

You had to think about your reply for a moment, you weren't quite sure yet.

"As much as I like a party, I'm hoping it's not an opportunity for Gilderoy to show off more, and making it mandatory seems to have sucked a bit of the fun out of the idea," you said honestly, "but I will try to stay positive."

"Good. No point starting the holiday off miserable." She said as she levitated a watering can over the plant. 

It took an hour to spruce, nourish and water your section of Mandrakes. You left them all tucked up for the night and promised you'd be back later to make sure they were comfortable, then felt thoroughly ridiculous for talking to them like that. Pomona didn't seem to bat an eyelid though, thankfully.

You walked sluggishly back to your room once you were done, Pomona was still finishing odd jobs but she refused to let you help and sent you on your way. You weren't about to argue, you were hungry and dirty; desperately in need of a shower before you saw anyone else. You could skip dinner and eat in your room but you actually wanted to go because you wanted to see Severus. He'd barely been discoverable the past few days, it niggled at you deep down that it may have been because of the happenings at the weekend, but you quieted those worries. It was the end of term, he was busy and you had both agreed that the control issue fiasco needed to be combatted before anything else could transpire. However, it was bad timing, and it would probably have to wait until after the Christmas break now. Until then you'd decided to remain on track with the offer of friendship whilst being cautious, which was proving to be difficult. You wanted more than ever to touch him, to feel that connection to him again. You'd experienced the bad, now you wanted the good.

To your disappointment, Severus didn't make it to dinner again that evening. You ate until you were full; the busier, colder days seemingly making you more hungry than usual. The stodgy comforting food had been satisfying to your stomach but had only made you more tired and as you snuggled under a blanket on your sofa when you got back to your quarters, you felt your eyes droop heavily as you tried to read. The words blurring into a haze of nothingness.

Then came the thunder and lightning. The crashing of the sea against jagged rocks and the shadowy black figures floating gracefully through the tormented night sky. Dementors. Azkaban. You startled awake as your book hit the floor, thankful it had; you had no interest in what lay behind those sinister stone walls.

The shock had at least replaced the lethargy in your muscles but not wanting to risk falling straight back to sleep and straight back into that dream, you readied yourself to go to the Greenhouse but first, you would visit Colin. Your visits had become less frequent and with not much else to do you thought now was a perfect time. You picked up your bag from earlier and took out a few things you no longer needed, put your book, some parchment, and a travel quill in there then wrapped up warm for the cold walk to the infirmary.

Madam Pomfrey's assistant medic was on shift and she welcomed you in kindly; she didn't have to ask what you were doing, knowing where you always headed.

"Hi Colin," you greeted. He lay there unchanged by time, his hair remained the same length, his fingernails remained bitten down short and his body still in the silent, lifeless state it had been in for over a month.

"Lumos," your wand levitated in front of you as you took out the parchment and quill from your bag to write a pre-Christmas greeting to Stephanie. You answered the questions she asked in her last letter, left out the strange goings-on with Severus, and gave her a few days that you could meet over the Christmas break as she had asked for. Popping the finished letter in an envelope and safely into your bag, you settled down with your book next to Colin and started the chapter from earlier again. You stayed for over an hour, as long as you could really, before having to check on the Mandrakes. You packed up and quietly promised Colin you'd be back soon.

The infirmary could be eerily quiet at night but you liked it. However eerie it was though, the greenhouse was even worse. Odd shadows were made from the moonlight hitting spindly-looking plant parts but you knew nothing would be down here and if there was, you could protect yourself. You checked all was okay temperature-wise, there was no moaning from any of the plants so you thought all was well enough for the night. For Hogwarts, it was a rather uneventful day you thought as you walked back to your room, one of just going through the motions. No trouble, no disruptions; which at this point was unexpected but welcome.

Arriving at your door, you looked down the corridor, you hadn't seen him all day, which was strange. Even when you two weren't talking you saw him almost daily, you decided you'd just check on him. In a friendly manner, of course.

Knocking the door you rocked gently on your feet, a slight nervous buzz keeping you in motion. The door opened slowly, which was odd in itself, usually, he yanked it open when he had an unannounced visitor. He looked terrible, his usual formal attire gone for cotton trousers and a long-sleeved black top. His nose was red, eyes puffy and hair a mess; he quickly turned from your gaze to sneeze into a handkerchief, in the opposite direction, he then rubbed at his nose with it and sniffed pitifully.

"Sorry about that," his voice was raspy and full of sleep.

"You're ill," you said, worry clearly marring your voice.

"It's just a cold, Madam Pomfrey has run out of Pepper up Potion again, I plan to make students brew it tomorrow." He sniffed again.

"Well, give me the keys to the potions classroom and I'll make you some for tonight." And just like that, your none eventful day had become more interesting.

"No need," he said as he covered a cough. He sounded terrible. You rolled your eyes and held out your hand.

"Keys. I'm not asking."

He held your stare for a beat and then conceded.

"Come in," he slumped over to his jacket and retrieved the keys from his pocket. You looked over his quarters, they were a little messier than usual; it seemed he had got in from teaching, stripped, and headed straight for bed. The image was too vivid in your imagination and you had to pull yourself from the thought before it ended up being shared somehow. You still weren't sure how it was all working and he didn't need to know you were thinking about that. He handed you the keys and then another.

"My room key, it's enchanted and will only work for you, so don't worry. Let yourself in when you're done. I have no strength to fight you over anything tonight," he said with a small smirk on his face.

"Good," you replied and then turned to leave the room, - "Back to bed with you now."

You heard a gruff grunt come from him as you closed the door. Men could be pathetic creatures when they had a cold but it was at least adorable.

An hour later you were using the key to let yourself into his room, potion in hand. He was nowhere to be seen in his living area, so he had at least listened and gone back to bed. You kicked off your boots and headed to his bedroom, pausing at the door, you hadn't thought what you'd do now. Do you knock and wait? Go in? He had given you a key after all. He was probably sleeping, you could just leave the potion and go but then you wanted to make sure he actually took it. Knocking gently at the door you opened it slowly and peered inside, you couldn't see much as there were only a few candles flickering away, but you could just about make out his face; he was asleep, mouth open and snoring softly. Absolutely adorable.

You quickly made a warm cup of tea appear on his side table, then padded over to the bed and sat softly at the bottom of it.

"Severus." No movement.

"Severus," you said again, only louder. He stirred but didn't wake up. He was really out, poor thing.

Not thinking about it, you touched his leg to see if a small shake would help wake him, an image of you and him quickly filling your mind and senses. A kiss. You pulled your hand away, a little embarrassed to be invading his thoughts, dreams? At this point you weren't sure, either way, it was private and you didn't feel good about it. The image had filled your chest with warmth and excitement though; the contact had woke him.

He coughed and rubbed at his eyes, "That was quick," he said sleepily then yawned.

"I've been gone for over an hour. You were just sleeping like the dead. Cute snoring by the way."

"I do not snore," he said matter of factly, "and if I did it's because I can't breathe. My mouth is so dry."

You pointed to the tea on the bedside table.

"Honey and lemon tea. It's what the muggles drink when they're sick. It's quite pleasant."

"Oh. Thank you," he said quietly and sat up against the headboard. He breathed in the steam from the cup and then sipped at the hot liquid carefully.

"It is quite pleasant," he said as if he hadn't believed you. You'd only been half-joking, how had he grown up in the muggle world as a child and never had tea when he was sick? Then you remembered his dank and cold bedroom from his memories. 

"I did say that," you reminded him playfully, pulling yourself out of the dreary thought. You'd look after him. 

"And I can't detect any poison in it," he joked back.

"Har har. Like I'd use a poison that was detectable. Oh, ye of little faith." He laughed into the tea and a small amount spluttered over the top of the cup.

"Now take this, please." Shuffling closer to him, you handed the small, glass bottle over to Severus.

He huffed, "Bloody kids and their disgusting habit of spreading their nasty germs."

"Now, now. Be a good patient." You mock reprimanded.

"Speaking of the patient, how's that second batch working for you?" He asked, vial floating beside him. 

Extending your leg out easily and pain-free, you smiled at the freedom he had helped create.

"Perfect!"

"Good," he clasped the bottle and pulled the stopper out, downing it in one. He grimaced and then drank some more tea. He put the cup back down on the table and looked back at you, then placed his warm hand over the top of your own. It made your heart race.

"Thank you." He said, his voice croaky.

"You're welcome." You replied. Hopefully, the slight hitch in your voice wasn't evident to him but you were not confident about that. You didn't make any effort to move your hand and neither did he, instead you both silently enjoyed the moment before it would have to inevitably end.

"My ears are going to start steaming soon, I'd rather you not be here giggling at that." He said softly, his voice struggling more and more. 

"Boo. That was going to be my reward. " You pouted dramatically and he shook his head. A short silence fell between you, you looked down at the warm contact between you.

"You know you'll have to move your hand if you want me to leave." Playful flirting was not going to help you remain friends but you couldn't help yourself, well you could, but you didn't want to.

His fingertips tensed; it was small but you felt it and then he let go. A disappointment set in, which was silly, what did you expect him to do? He's ill and your friends. _Friends_. You were quickly beginning to hate that word. You patted your knees awkwardly

"Well, I suppose I'll get going. You know where I am if you need anything and I'll deal with classes tomorrow. No arguments." You warned, pointing your finger at him.

He looked down into his lap, where his hands lay tightly knotted together.

"Thank you, again," his voice now not far from a whisper.

"No problem." You didn't dare look again, for fear you might join him under the blankets and take that desolate look from his face.

Deviating from your teaching plan the next day, you had the students brewing pepper-up potion to replenish school stores. It was mostly successful, not being a particularly hard potion to brew, so the hours went by breezily. Teaching wise anyway. Your head, however, was a mess, you shouldn't have allowed yourself those small luxuries with Severus last night but you were human and you wouldn't lie to yourself or him. You missed him, missed his touch, missed his presence but you were breaking boundaries left, right, and centre recently and it wasn't fair on either of you.

You saw Severus at dinner and he was looking much better, thankfully. He gave you a small smile as he saw you approach the teachers' table but you sat far away. Sadly, Lockhart sat with you.

"Looking forward to tonight?" He asked, high-spirited.

"I don't think I'm going to make it, after all, I have a lot on." You replied as you glanced at Severus.

"Pish, it's the end of term, what possibly could you 'have on'?" He asked, so he clearly hadn't been marking the end-of-term assignments like he should have been, otherwise, he'd know.

_Oh, I don't know, maybe the weight of the Defence Against the Dark Arts syllabus has been resting on me the whole term and I want a break._

"Just a few things."

"You're missing history in the making," he chuntered on, you had to turn away at that point and allow your eyes an obligatory roll. Severus was peering over, a displeased look on his face. He frowned in concern but you shot him back a look and shook your hand subtly to let him know you were fine. 

_Urgh, stop making this more difficult, Severus._

Quickly finishing your dinner and foregoing dessert, you left and headed back to your quarters and busied yourself with anything you could find to stop you from going to the dueling club. You felt bad letting down the students but you knew their fickleness; they wouldn't remember come tomorrow. You took a long shower and got into bed the earliest you had in a long time, you propped yourself up enough to read but remained comfortable enough to be snuggled under the blankets; you were determined to finish your book tonight. However, the fatigue from the week had other plans and you fell to sleep far too quickly again.

You slept straight through until the next morning. Feeling refreshed, you hopped out of bed and got ready for the final day of term. It had been an eventful 3 and a half months and your gut told you it was only just the beginning.

When you arrived at the Great Hall for breakfast there was an odd tension in the air. Something you hadn't expected to feel, it was the last day, the children should be buzzing. Something must have happened at the dueling club last night but if it was something serious, all the teaching staff would have been notified, surely? You eyed the top table and saw a space next to Severus, you'd see if you could garner the information from him. However, as you sat down, he didn't seem to acknowledge your presence.

"Good morning, Severus," you greeted.

"Morning," he gruffed back and carried on eating. Something definitely happened last night.

Around so many other listening ears you decided not to ask here and leave it until you were alone in the classroom. Leaving him to his thoughts, you made small talk with Filius, who was sat on your other side, whilst flicking quick glances at Severus every now and then.

As usual, he was already in the classroom when you arrived, reading over something, his black hair guarding his face against your view.

"Care to tell me what's got you in such a funk this morning?" You asked outright. Severus looked up, meeting your eye briefly.

"I am not in a...funk, as you call it," he replied, then went straight back to the book in front of him. His fingers twitching at the end of the page. 

You took note of the little tick he had when he anxious or frustrated.

"Did something happen last night?"

"A lot happened last night," he drawled, sounding uninterested; this time he didn't even look up from the book.

"You'd know if you'd have turned up." Slightly taken aback, you furrowed your brows.

Wait. Was he mad at you? Is that why he was so grumpy?

"Excuse me? I didn't know I had an obligation to be there," Practically marching to his desk, you felt an annoyance building inside of you, he had no right to be annoyed at you. He didn't answer which only made it worse; you walked around the desk to him and stopped yourself from grabbing his arm, just in case.

"So you're pissed off at me for not coming? Why?"

"You made such a fuss about it," Severus replied, unconvincingly.

Shaking your head, you put your bag clumsily on the floor and crossed your arms.

"I don't believe you." You knew when he was lying. 

His body stiffened, which seemed to add inches to his towering height, he turned his head slowly towards you, black eyes pierced through yours and suddenly there was a new tension between the two of you. It wasn't anger. He looked down at your lips, then back to your eyes.

"What's there not to believe?" His voice sounded thicker than before as if talking was becoming more difficult. Sighing, you wanted to reach out to him but you refused to.

"Just admit you wanted me there. Not because I said I would be but because you wanted _me_ to be there." 

He parted his lips a tad as if he was about to talk but instead, he grabbed your waist and pushed you against the wall behind his desk. His lips found yours easily in a messy, frantic kiss. Tongues immediately fought for dominance as greedy hands roamed the familiar territory of each other's bodies. When he squeezed hard at your waist, a small, pleasing moan left your mouth and seemed to merge into his throatier sound of pleasure. It did nothing but make the ache that had started down below worse, which made you pull him closer so his body encapsulated yours.

Your head was filled with thoughts that weren't yours, but they weren't unpleasant and painful, in fact, they seemed to heighten the fiery, passion burning between your bodies. He pulled away just as fiercely as he had kissed you, leaving you with a sudden cold, empty feeling.

"I'm sorry," he panted. "I shouldn't have done that."

His arm rested to the side of you, on the wall, his large hand splayed out steadying himself. He squeezed his eyes shut and let out the heavy breaths stuck in his chest. 

"I disagree," you breathed back, shoving your restless hands behind you to lean back on them. He composed himself and straightened up but you grabbed the front of his robes before he could move away.

"Stop fighting yourself. For both of our sakes, Severus."


	27. Lockhart's Christmas Party.

You blew out a shaky breath, box in hand and headed in the direction of Severus’ quarters, your heels clicking along the uneven stone floors of the dungeons. You were just going to give him the gift and then go to this poorly timed party. In fact, you couldn’t quite believe that Albus was allowing it to take place after the debacle of Friday night. Another petrified student and Nearly Headless Nick to boot, you didn’t even know it was possible to petrify a ghost. As a result, you spent your weekend flitting between the Ravenclaw dorms, – (poor Filius felt completely out of his depth comforting crying girls) and the infirmary. So of course, Severus’ sudden kiss had gone ignored and he had jumped at the opportunity to miss the party. So you were going with a no push approach, to leave him with whatever he needed to deal with, not wanting another disappointing miss start.

You waited stiffly for him to open the door. When he did, you saw his eyelids widen and his pupils dilate; when you picked out the dress that was the reaction you hoped for but now it didn’t feel like it mattered. You still loved the dress and you were wearing it because it made you feel confident, that was all. _Who are you kidding?_ It wouldn’t normally be your first choice but you took a risk; long-sleeved cut an inch above the knee and tight. The black choker around your neck held a small ruby, which matched the jewelled studs in your ears. Pushing the box forward, he switched his gaze from you to the gift in front of him.

“It’s for you. A Christmas present. I realised this would be the last opportunity to give it you before you went home.” You kept your voice even, holding back the sadness brought on by him leaving for two weeks.

Severus looked over your shoulder, “I can’t accept this.”

You frowned, he always had to be awkward.

“Why not?” The question came out more annoyed than you were aiming for but actually you were quite annoyed. _It’s a gift, just take it._

“Rather, unfortunately, I don’t often take much notice of Christmas and therefore I’ve never had to...had to buy a gift.” He paused, looking embarrassed. “I don’t have anything for you.”

“Oh, I...I wasn’t expecting anything in return.” Your reassurance didn’t make him look any less upset.

Severus tapped his finger on the box.

“You know I’m not going home now don’t you?

“No?” You asked, shocked. The prospect of him still being here made you nervous but you were relieved he wouldn’t be spending Christmas alone, at least.

He let a heavy breath and his eyes fell tiredly to the floor, “No chance after the other night.”

“I’m sorry,” you mustered, not really knowing what else to say.

“Don’t be, I’ll still head back for a day or two probably, it’s really not that important.” You nodded, an awkward silence falling between the two of you.

“Thank you for the gift.”

“You’re welcome. I should get going to the party, I’m already late.” You turned carefully, you hadn’t worn heels in a long time, the only reason you could wear them tonight was because of Severus, the thought made you want to turn around, ask him to come with you but you needed him to tell you what he wanted. If he wanted anything at all.

“Y/n,” Severus’ voice seemed to struggle with your name on his tongue. You looked over your shoulder, you were hopeful for a moment.

“Have a good night,” he said, knocking the hope out of you.

\----------------------

He watched you walk away, the dress clinging to your curves like it was made for your body, you were breathtaking but instead of saying that, he just stood there like a fool. Looking at the gift in his hand, he felt doubly a fool.

Severus closed the door and slumped over to his reading chair, there was a blazing fire beside it but it offered him no warmth now. He thumbed the green ribbon wrapped around the plain black box, then took out the small card that was slotted underneath it.

_Severus,_

_Merry Christmas and a Happy, Peaceful New Year._

_Yours,_

_Y/N_

_xx_

_Yours._ He read it over and over. Rubbing at his eyes, he sighed, “What are you doing?” he said out loud, then shook his head, “Stop talking to yourself.”

\------------------

The event was a bit stiff for your liking, more like a formal get together than a Christmas party, but credit where credit was due, Lockhart had done a nice job of organising it and the champagne was excellent you thought, as you finished your second glass. Lockhart was a far better events planner than he was a teacher, that was for sure.

You didn’t know half the people there, Lockhart had bolstered the numbers, apparently, a small number of people couldn’t be classed as a party. Minerva said they were linked to the school in various ways; some visiting lecturers, board members and school philanthropists. Lockhart floated around in his element, like he was the King of the ball, in his pastel purple suit and champagne silk shirt; a flattering cut but the colours were an interesting choice.

“What do you think?” He had asked when you entered the room.

“Lovely, I like the extra decorations,” you replied as you looked at the lights now donning the hall walls.

“No, not that,” he flapped, exasperated at your lack of understanding, - “My new suit.”

He swayed from side to side to show you better.

“Oh..oh, erm, splendid.” You smiled, unconvincingly but to no surprise, he didn’t pick up on it.

“You, by the way, look fantastic. That dress, a little dark for my tastes but..”

“Thank you, Gilderoy,” you interrupted before he said something that would warrant a punch. He flicked his head and smiled, but his poor hair so full of products didn’t move with the sharp motion.

Thankfully, he quickly got caught up with other guests, freeing you to find safe ground with Pomona. However, she also seemed distracted. She didn’t pay much mind when you stood next to her.

“Everything okay, Pomona? You asked, wondering what was taking up her thoughts.

She looked around the room, “Mmm, yes, just fine, thank you.”

”Something the matter? Is it the Mandrakes?” Now more than ever, the Mandrakes needed to be grown successfully, there was another pupil to un-petrify and no one could guarantee it wouldn’t happen again.

“No, no, they’re fine. Just keeping an eye on things.” Her words drifted off as she searched the room, then abruptly, her head stopped slowly scanning the room.

“Ah, lovely, do excuse me, y/n,” she said and ambled over to Charity. Both women looking rather overjoyed to see each other, their greeting embrace a little too familiar. _Are they? No, they can’t be. Oh, but I hope they are, how bloody cute._

Now you understood the furore with Albus and Minerva over you and Severus. You’d been here shy of 4 months, but even you missed the excitement of budding relationships. Social lives weren’t really a thing at Hogwarts.

“That’s a nice dress you’ve got there, y/n,” Hagrid’s familiar voice boomed behind you, then he was at your side, you’d never seen Hagrid wear anything but his usual rough work clothes. Now he was in mismatched trousers and jacket, shirt and tie; his beard combed.

“Thank you, Hagrid, you look rather dapper yourself.” The giant beamed.

“It’s nice to make an effort from time to time, ” You said as you looked at the guest's various dressy attire.

Hagrid pulled at the collar around his neck, looking uncomfortable.

“I’m not sure I agree with that, I’m afraid." You looked at him sympathetically.

"Will you be staying late enough for the fireworks?” He asked, still adjusting his collar.

“Fireworks?” You asked

“Yeah, some big display Gilderoy has done.” He informed you. 

You were gobsmacked to say the least, fireworks?

“So, we’re all meant to traipse through the school halls and outside into the freezing cold, when there’s something out there attacking students, with guests, to watch fireworks?”

Hagrid laughed nervously, “Doesn’t sound good when you put it like that.”

You watched Lockhart prance around, champagne in hand.

“It’s not good, Hagrid. How does Gilderoy get away with all this stuff?”

The poor man looked uncomfortable. He was a great admirer of Albus and probably wouldn’t ever say anything against him or his decisions, nor was it something you wanted to coax out of the gentle giant. Finishing your third glass of champagne, your head began feeling light and the music filling the room seemed to get louder. S _low down._

“Also, why am I only finding this out now?”

Scratching at his head, Hagrid scrunched his face, “Well, you were a bit late. You missed Albus’ speech.”

“Ooooh,” You sucked in a breath through your teeth, “I suppose that is my fault. I was delivering a gift.”

“To Severus?” He asked with a smirk.

You glared at him, “Yes to Severus. Why?”

“I’m not saying anything.” He gulped from the tankard in his hand then wiped the foam from his top lip.

“Mhmm, sounds like it.” One more glass before dinner wouldn’t hurt, they were only small.

“What are you drinking? I’ll go get us some more.”

Plus, it would be a good distraction, you didn’t mean to tell him you were taking a gift to Severus, in fact, you were trying not to think about him at all, but your champagne brain was betraying you.

\------------------------

Severus strode through the corridors, Filch at his heels; he was doubting his decision now, he’d have taken the party over listening to Filch talk about his cat over and over.

“Should have seen all the guests arriving. Stupid if you ask me.” Filch moaned, “Asking for more trouble.”

At this point, Severus was unsure if Filch was talking to him, or himself. He was hoping for the latter. All was quiet through the school, the pupils having had a severe warning from himself earlier and the muggle-born pupils were frightened, not of him, but of what lay lurking in the dark. As they came full circle, they passed the Great Hall.

“Carry on Filch, I’ll find you if there are any problems,” he said with authority.

The older man grumbled something under his breath and skulked off into the darkness. Severus peered in through the open door to the hall, careful not to be seen, music and idle chatter escaping the room. His eyes found you. _Yours._ Severus hadn’t opened the gift, he didn’t need to know what it was, it didn’t matter; you’d thought about him enough to do it. It was the last straw for his resolve, he was sabotaging his own happiness because of fear. No more pushing, he thought and now that the two of you had made some sort of magical bond, it had to be safer to keep you close. That’s what he was going to tell himself anyway.

“Severus,” Minerva’s voice, shrill with surprise broke through his thoughts. “Come to join us?” 

He didn’t move as he watched some young, pomp, overdressed idiot hand you a drink and start chatting. It wasn’t shocking, you were the most beautiful and eligible woman in the room, but he knew the telltale feelings inside of him. Jealousy. 

“Severus!” Minerva repeated impatiently and followed his eye line.

“No, I was just check..”

“I think I know exactly what you’re checking” She interrupted. Severus hated being interrupted but his respect for his old friend was too great to snap at her.

“She looks quite stunning doesn’t she?” Minerva asked with admiration in her ageing voice. He flared his nostrils and breathed out deeply, head falling as he watched you laugh with the stranger.

“She does,” he answered sombrely.

She crossed her arms, “Then why are you out here and not in there telling her?”

Severus remained silent, his cheeks reddening.

_Why aren’t you?_

Looking down at himself, his usual black suit not really fit for the occasion but there wasn’t much he could do about that now. He turned to Minerva, said “Thank you,” and strode into the hall.

Minerva was taken aback, she didn’t think he’d go in and she definitely didn’t expect a thank you.

“Thank goodness,” she breathed out. Albus walked out of the darkness, - “They’re giving me a headache, Albus.”

“I don’t think you need to worry any more," he reassured. 

“I think I’ll always worry about her.” She said sadly. Albus rested his hand on the witch's shoulder to comfort her.

“Come on, we can’t be seen to be trying to get out of this so early in the night.”

\---------------------------

“I see we’re all having a glorious time and it’s about to get even better, I have handcrafted this menu myself and it will not disappoint. Dinner is about to be served, please take up your allocated seat and enjoy!” Lockhart said proudly from the stage.

You had already spotted your name on a place card earlier, sandwiched between two people you didn’t know, which probably meant small talk all night. _Joy._ Carefully walking to your table, another glass of champagne down had you feeling unconfident on your heeled feet. Both impressed and relieved as you took your seat, your stomach growled unceremoniously. You didn’t realise how long you’d been waiting for the food to be served.

Pouring yourself a glass of water, the chair beside you was pulled out; concentrating on not spilling the water you didn’t turn to acknowledge the guest, you’d greet him once he was sitting. When a had clasped over yours, you jumped and your eyes shot to the dark figure beside you.

“Severus.”

He took the water from your hand and poured it, his brow furrowed with a look of concern.

“Have much have you drank tonight?” He asked softly.

“I just need to eat,” you replied and lifted the newly filled glass of water to your lips. The cold liquid was refreshing and woke you up or that could have been Severus taking you off guard, “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“I changed my mind.” He replied, his eyes drifting down your dress and over your bare thigh. “I thought you said green wasn’t your colour.”

Your tipsy state made you find his voice even more seductive than usual, his dark, hungry eyes making your newly wetted mouth parched once more. Throwing it at your face would have been more beneficial you thought; a combination of champagne and his intense gaze had you feeling far too warm for the little clothing you were wearing.

“I changed my mind too,” _But not just about the dress, Severus._ _4 glasses of champagne before dinner, y/n, really?_ _What happened to arms length?_

He inched closer, “I feel I have done you a great disservice.”

You raised your eyebrow sceptically, “What are you talking about?”

Aware that others were now taking their seats, you kept your voice low and just as Severus did, you moved closer.

His face softened, “I..”

“Excuse me, you’re in my seat,” A voice spoke over the top of your heads; if looks could kill, you would fear for the man’s life right now. The man being your new acquaintance, Robbie, _Perfect._

 _“_ What a stroke of luck, eh, Y/n?” You had read Robert on the place card earlier but you’d had no reason to put two and two together when he introduced himself to you. He was a ministry man, which had set you on edge, but he turned out to be pleasant enough; a friend of Albus’ and a staunch supporter of the school. He had brought you a drink mid-conversation but that sat on your table untouched; you had joked with Severus, but you really didn’t take drinks from strangers.

Severus pushed out his chair and stood to his full height, spreading out his shoulders. He sauntered to the other chair beside you and sat there. Picking up the place card, he read the name then looked around the room.

“Looks like someone didn’t make it, what a stroke of luck, eh, Y/n?” He said as he turned the paper to ashes with his wand.

_Always_ _with_ _the theatrics. Is that jealousy, Severus?_

Thankfully the food arrived soon after, diverting the tension between the two men. Lockhart, for once, hadn’t disappointed; the food was excellent and well worth the wait. You finished the glass of water Severus poured for you, then had the specified dinner wine. This really wasn’t your scene but you thought you may as well enjoy it if you had to be there. If Albus was hoping that you’d be a good example of the school, both you and Severus were probably going to disappoint.

You were still curious as to why Severus had shown up, even more so by what he was about to say earlier. Trying to keep yourself from being disappointed, you decided to see if he would try again, if not then it obviously wasn’t that important.

\-----------------------------------

Watching your half-drunk delight as profiteroles appeared on the table, Severus felt a warmth inside him; this is what he wanted. He wanted to watch your joys, big or small, for as long as he could, for as long as you would allow. Finding his thoughts drifting to less pure images as he watched you lick chocolate from your lips, he wanted to taste the sweetness from them. His nostrils flared and his knuckles whitened around the glass in his hand, aware of how hard he was gripping it, he placed it on the table before he broke it.

Severus watched you shuffle in your seat, you didn’t notice that it pulled the hem of your dress up higher but he did. He pulled his eyes away quickly but the image of your very bare leg burned in his mind; he remembered the feeling of running his hands along the smooth skin, even higher than your dress rested, the moans he elicited from you when he dug his nails into the supple flesh. He pushed food around his plate, trying to think of anything but you, but it was a futile endeavour; he was always thinking of you.

Turning quickly, you must have been so caught up in conversation that you had completely forgotten about your predicament and rested your hand on his arm lightly to get his attention, “Severus..”

You froze but quickly composed yourself, thankfully having not drawn any attention to the two of you Severus thought.

“Erm, oh doesn’t matter, I remember who it is now…” You turned back to Sybill, who was deep in conversation with Robbie. Severus was glad you had managed to divert his attention to someone else.

With the others seemingly distracted, Severus noticed your attention keep flicking to another table; he couldn’t quite work out who you were looking at though, but he didn’t need to wonder for long. You turned to him slowly, your eyes slightly hooded with tiredness.

“I think something is going on,” your eyes lifted to his and Severus' heart beat faster. He thought a lifetime of being looked at like that would be well lived.

Severus cleared his throat, “I think that’s obvious.”

“What?” You asked confused, a small giggle escaping your soft lips. You rested your elbow on the table, moving closer to him, and then your head on the hand.

“How would you know?” 

It was Severus’ turn to be lost, “What?”

“Pomona and Charity!” You, not so subtly, nodded your head to their table, - “They’ve been inseparable all night. When I got here, Pomona pretty much ran into her arms and now look at them. A couple of bottles sure is loosening their inhibitions.”

Severus flicked his eyes upwards towards the two women, he could see that they were very close, whispering and laughing. He shook his head, his hair swaying from side to side.

“Not convinced.” He said bluntly. 

“I bet you,” you said with a serious expression, or as serious as you seemed to be able to command in your tipsy state.

He rolled his eyes at you, “You bet me? What are we? 8?” He said laughing.

“Is that a no?” You pushed forward again.

Glaring at you, Severus knew you weren't going to back down.

“What are the stakes?” He couldn't help but entertain your playfulness, he loved it. 

“Yes!” You said too loudly, the table looking up at you, and then lowered your voice again.

“Okay. If I win, youuuuu...have to take all my 1st year classes for a month.” You suggested.

“Urgh, fine,” he groaned “And if I win?” He said, eyeing your lips.

“Well...what do you want, Severus?” You asked, a flirtatious lilt in your tone. His eyes scanned your body again, it was close enough that an accidental touch could easily happen.

Fingers tapping at the table, he began, “If I win,” then paused and moved his eyes from yours back to the other table.

_Come on think of something other than wanting her._

“If I win, you have to clean out the store cupboard for the rest of the year.” Severus thought it was a bit of a pitiful suggestion but he was too distracted by you to think of anything else. 

You grimaced but agreed, “Deal.”

“Now, how exactly do we come to an agreement on whether they are or aren’t?” He asked.

Both of you looked in the direction of the women.

“I think it’ll be obvious. Well, _I_ _already_ think it is obvious.” You said. 

The volume of the music raised higher, Albus and Minerva stood up and took to the area left free for dancing. Others joined shortly after and remained there as the musicians lead into the next song, and then the next. 

_Ask her. If you don't soon, someone else will._

Severus’ foot twitched nervously as he leaned in to her space once again.

“Do you want to dance?” He offered softly.

“You want to dance?” Your voice raised to a higher pitch as you asked.

Severus laughed once, small and from his chest, “I want to dance with _you…”_

The confidence in his voice faltered slightly at the thought of your rejection, “If you want to. If you think it would rouse too much attention though…”

He petered off, worried he was saying too much. You looked from the corner of your eye to the dance floor and smirked.

“I don’t think anyone will be paying attention to us. Not with Pomona’s head rested on Charity’s breasts, anyway.” You laughed heartily.

“What?” Severus snapped his head to the dancers.

“Oh for fu...I suppose you were right then.” He conceded pushing his hair back from his face. 

“Well at least it didn’t take you too long to realise this time,” Severus knew what she was getting at but didn’t bite, - “I’d like to dance by the way.”

You stood up abruptly and Severus fumbled quickly to follow you. Making sure he threw a look of satisfaction towards Robbie; he knew it was childish and unnecessary but he couldn’t help the pride that puffed up his chest.

Severus lead you to space amongst the other dancers and when you turned to him his breath caught in his throat, you gave each other a knowing look. No more surprises needed. Severus took your hand gently and then brushed the back of his knuckles at your waist before splaying out his large hand in a tight grasp. You sighed.

“Watch yourself, Severus.” Your warning wasn’t filled with anything more than a flirtation and Severus’ confidence grew because of it. Severus took the lead and moved both of you in time with the music.

“I didn’t take you for much of a dancer," you said with surprise.

He smirked, “I don’t make a habit of it.”

“Ooh, I suppose I should be honoured then,” You chuckled as your bodies synchronised in movement.

“Actually,” he paused, “The honour is mine.”

Your cheeks flushed and you smiled shyly at him before falling into silence. The music came to an end far too quickly for both your liking, as you went to let go, Severus held your hand tighter; a sign for you not to leave. Strings began again, slow and drawn out.

“One more, please?” Severus asked. He couldn't bear to let you go yet. 

You nodded your head and he drew you closer, your chest pressed into Severus’ and he thought for sure you’d feel how his heart thumped or how his body felt like it was burning under your touch. The familiar smell of vanilla filled his senses, he wanted you closer, but that wasn’t going to happen if he didn’t do anything.

“Do you think we could go somewhere more private?” He asked.

“For what?” You asked breathily.

“To talk.” He bluntly replied.

You pushed him further, “About?”

He took a deep breath in, “I said friends but it’s not working, is it? I know what you saw earlier...”

“I have no problem with what you were thinking about or how you were looking at me.” His hand tensed at your waist and you sighed, - “I like when you do that and when I bought this dress, I very much hoped it would get your attention."

Severus was quick to respond.

"It did, it has. You've always got it," he admitted without shame. You smiled but Severus noted there was a sadness to it.

"I want more than just looks and flirting. Whatever you have to say needs to be what you really want, something you can tell me without any regrets or changed minds come tomorrow. No more rashness, from either of us.” 

Severus nodded his head, he was already sure, but the conversation needed to be just the two of you. No more interruptions.

\-----------------------------------

Severus had disappeared soon after your dance, you wondered if your request for him to think about what he really wanted to say had scared him off. Robbie kept smiling at you from across the room but you did your best to avoid eye contact, you weren’t about to lead him on; you already had enough trouble with the one man in your life. A lot of the guests were looking weary, some were getting ready to leave or had already left. You noted Pomona and Charity had already gone, _at least someone is getting some._

You sighed and stood up, a little wobbly but nothing you couldn’t compensate for. Quickly exiting the hall before anyone stopped you, you intended on heading back to your quarters but as you wrapped your long cloak around your body you decided on a detour. Somewhere you hadn’t been back to since arriving at Hogwarts and you would be able to watch the fireworks from there in peace.

20 minutes later, with blocks of ice for feet and goose-pimpled skin, you were climbing up the Astronomy Tower steps. The walk had calmed the effects that a room full of people had on you and had sobered you some more. When you got to the top, a little out of breath but still chilly you remembered how beautiful it was up there; something you probably didn’t quite appreciate as much the last time you were there as a teenager.

You put your shoes back on, they offered little warmth but they kept your bare feet off the stone floor; you’d have to warm them up if you valued your toes though. Taking out your wand from the inside pocket of your cloak, a twirl had it blowing warm air at your feet and you sighed in relief.

Taking a seat on the steps into the teaching podium, you made sure your cloak was a barrier between you and the floor and then relaxed. The rich tapestry of stars that sprawled before your eyes humbled you and reminded you of the fragility of your being. Witches and Wizards liked to think they were superior but in the grand scheme of the universe, you were just another small anomaly. Still a speck to any other weird and wonderful creatures of afar.

You wanted to share this moment, this view, these feelings and the only person you wanted to share it with was Severus. Closing your eyes, you took in a lung full of the crisp winter air and thought about him and hoped for a small, peaceful existence next to him.

A whizzing sound broke the night’s atmosphere, you opened your eyes in time to see the firework burst into colour. It was quite the impressive opener, house colours flying into the air then turning into their respective mascot before disappearing. You stood and watched from the railings, bundled up as best you could.

Between a set of fireworks, you heard the door downstairs close loudly. You knew only a teacher could enter but you played it safe and slipped your hand over your wand, ready just in case. Seeing the black hair bobbing up from the staircase you relaxed, another loud bang sounded from behind, lighting up the sky behind you.

“Wow,” Severus gasped. His eyes seemed to light up as he stood at the top of the stairs, unmoving.

“You look...beautiful. That word," he paused and caught his breath, - "doesn’t come close to doing you justice but you’ve taken me somewhat off guard.”

30 seconds under his intense gaze and you were already a lot warmer in the cheeks.

“Didn’t expect me to be here?” You asked, another firework exploding behind you, cascading the Astronomy Tower into a sea of blues and greens.

“No, I did, I think...I don’t really know how to explain it,” he said massaging his forehead.

You laughed, it didn’t really matter anymore, questioning what was going on between you two caused more headaches and confusion than just rolling with it.

“Well, you’re here and I’m here. I don’t think it’s an accident.”

“Neither do I,” he stepped forward slowly. You gripped the railing behind you. _Hands to yourself, y/n._

“I thought you had left for the evening,” You said, downheartedly. 

“I had to go check the Slytherin Common room. I did go back but you were already gone.” He leant on the railing, so close to you his jacket brushed your cloak and looked out, staring past the fireworks.

“Sorry, I wasn’t feeling it any more. Honestly I wasn’t comfortable for most of the night. Seemed a bit wrong, all of us making merry when there are children in the hospital. Now fireworks? If the parents get wind of this, I can’t imagine they’ll be happy.”

Severus murmured a reply as the fireworks reflected in his black eyes. You watched the rest of the display side by side like that, almost touching and in relative silence. Lockhart had finished the evening in true Lockhart style, as the final firework exploded, his image was thrown into the darkness and winked at all the guests. Just when you thought he'd managed to pull off quite a classy event as well.

The night was quiet once again. As you had earlier, Severus admired the abyss that hung before him.

“Makes you realise how insignificant we are doesn’t it?” You weren't expecting much of a reply, Severus was more facts than feelings. However, as he so often did, he shocked you.

Shaking his head he spoke without uncertainty, “I think you’re one of the most significant people I have met.”

He turned his body towards you but still leaned on the rail, “No one has ever come close to tempting me away from here and what I have to do but for you, I’ve thought about abandoning it more times than I like to admit.”

He looked to the floor as if he were ashamed of his feelings like anyone could blame him for wanting to get away from the pressure that he had been living under for the past 10 years.

“Severus..” Your voice croaked and his eyes raised up again, meeting your own.

“I know I shouldn’t say that and I know you’d never ask it of me…” You interrupted him, hoping to be a reassurance to his clearly struggling thoughts.

“And _I_ know you never would because you’re a better man than you think you are.”

“Y/n...I can’t get my mind off of you," It felt like he looked deeper into you at that moment.

"If you’d have never come, I’d still be half awake, existing but not living. I have no desire to go back to that. Can you truly accept everything?” He asked, his voice brittle. 

You nodded your head slowly, “I can. I have, Severus.”

His face turned serious, “When the time comes, when it’s getting too dangerous, you have to do what I ask, I can’t bring you into this in good conscience if I can’t protect you.”

“Severus, I don’t…” You were about to protest. 

“It can’t be any other way. Promise me.” He said with quiet firmness.

No matter what he wanted, you knew you wouldn't be able to abandon him, so you would never make that promise.

“ _IF_ a time comes where things are extremely dangerous and I am likely to be vulnerable then we will do what is best at the time. I won’t walk away blindly and leave you to be hurt...or worse.” Your voice shook at the thought of Severus ceasing to exist. “Do _you_ understand me?”

He laughed, then carefully and slowly raised his hand to your face. He cupped one cheek.

“Stubborn as ever,” he said eyeing your lips with his now hooded eyes. You edged forward into his much missed touch.

“Always will be,” your words came out a whisper.

“I can live with that.” The breath of his own whispers brushed your face as he pulled you flush to him, one hand on your waist, the other still cupping your cheek. You ran your fingers up the back of his neck and rested your hand in his hair, lightly scratching at his scalp, willing him to close the gap and then he did.

His lips softly caressed your own then he pulled back.

“Anything?”

You bit your lip and shook your head.

“Not up here anyway,” you said and dug your fingertips into the back of his scalp harder. He let out a gruff sound from his throat, then kissed you firmer than before, making quick work of parting your lips with his tongue.

“I’ve missed you,” he panted between kisses and guided the two of you into the shadows until your back was against the wall. You didn’t even register the icy feel of the stone as Severus distracted your every nerve response to just his touch.

Replying wasn’t much of an option as you concentrated on the feel of him and on controlling your mind, you could sense it waning but was that really so bad? If it was just between the two of you, you didn’t see a problem.

His nails raked up your bare thigh as he nipped at your neck, your hips bucked instinctively towards his, eliciting a moan from both your lips. You ran your hands down his back and around his waist to the front of his trousers; his arousal stretching the material above it. Running your hand over it firmly, he dropped his forehead onto your shoulder and hissed. You undid the button at the top and then unzipped them slowly, he looked up from your shoulder, you could barely make out his eyes in the darkness, but his body felt hesitant.

“Here?” He asked, breathily.

Grasping his arousal he moaned and his icy breath swirled in front of you, you pushed slowly down and then back up again, which made him lean his hand on the wall and drop his head once again. Whispering in the most sultry voice you could muster, you spoke into his ear.

“We don’t have to,” you began as you continued your ministrations, - “we could stop and take the long walk back to the dungeons.”

“What do you want?” He asked as he bit your earlobe. You winced and pushed at his chest, he moved back, shock and concern painting his face.

Knowing there was a sly look on your face, “I want you to show me how much you’ve missed me.” You could hear the raspy sound of lust in your voice, he licked his lips and his eyes devoured you. Spurred on by his reaction, you began inching up your dress, it wouldn’t take long to get to your underwear.

Severus’ eyes widened, he quickly drew his wand and halted your hand, you smirked, you could probably counter it but you liked where this was going.

“I do believe that is my privilege,” he purred and stepped towards you once again, he released your hand and replaced it with his own, cinching your dress up more, to reveal your black, lacy underwear.

“Do you like them?” You asked, eyebrow raised and a beaming grin on your face.

“Very much so,” he didn’t take his eyes off them as he dipped his fingertips into the waistband, ready to do away with them.

“And Severus..” He looked up, more than ready. 

“Don’t be gentle,” you commanded.


	28. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It got fluffy

Severus lay in bed, eyes fixated on your sleeping form, it was Christmas morning and, for your sake, he was going to try his best to not be a misery.

The day after the party, he had crept away under the pretence of work and visited Diagon Alley. He hated it but he wasn't going to allow you to go present-less on Christmas day; he was annoyed at himself enough to not have thought about it in the first place. It took him far longer than he had hoped and brought about an anxiety he hadn't felt before; he wasn't even sure where to start and what if he bought the wrong thing? He worried.

As Severus often did so well, he observed what others did around him, which did not help. He found their purchases unprofound; a gift for the sake of having to give a gift. That wouldn't do, he wanted to impress you.

So, as he lay awake, he hoped that the two gifts under your tree, that he carefully placed there last night when you were fast asleep, would show you he cared and that he wasn't completely incompetent. After everything that had happened and everything that was likely to happen in the future, he couldn't quite believe he was back in your life and back in your bed. He was elated at both.

\---------------------------------

"Merry Christmas," Severus' voice whispered, as he stroked his warm hand up and down your arm, gently pulling you out of your sleep. You managed to open one eye, fuzzily making out his face next to your pillow, you rubbed at the none compliant one which eventually caught up and opened.

"Merry Christmas to you, too," you muttered sleepily and then yawned into your pillow. You stretched out your legs, feeling the strain on your muscles from the previous night's escapades. Severus' hand began running up and down your back, his fingers pushing into the muscles of your shoulders, you moaned in gratitude and he laughed. 

His hands stopped their work, "I'm going to make coffee, meet me in the living room soon?" He asked.

Smiling slyly, you lifted your head from the the pillow, "Or, we could just stay in bed?" 

He tapped your bottom lightly, "Up!" Standing up, he sauntered over to his clothes, pulling on a pair of black boxer shorts and his robe, which of course, was black. You made sure he saw the pout on your face as he dressed which earned you a shake of his head. 

When he left, you rolled over onto the side Severus had slept on the last few nights and snuggled into his pillow, feeling sleep about to take you again, you lifted your head quickly and forced yourself out of the warm duvet. The coffee was ready once you'd finished straightening out your hair and drinking some water.

Severus had lit the fire and was sitting on the small sofa, drinking his own cup of coffee while he finished yesterday's newspaper. He set it down when you sat beside him, then kissed your cheek lovingly; still being sleepy you lay your head on his shoulder and closed your eyes. When you opened them again, you noticed two extra gifts under the tree, lifting your head off Severus' shoulder, you looked up to him. "Either Father Christmas broke in last night or you've been sneaky," you said as you tapped his arm.

He smiled, "I'm the only weird man in your quarters, I can assure you."

Laughing, you changed your tapping into a light smack. "Want to open yours first?" You asked excitedly.

"If you'd like," he replied.

"Yay!" You jumped up and pulled him from the sofa and down onto the rug in front of the fire. Shuffling to the tree, you picked up the familiar black box and handed it to him, "I'm glad you didn't open it the other night, I'll be honest, I was a bit pissed I wouldn't get to see you open it." You confessed, not the least bit embarrassed.

Severus smirked and began opening the ribbon, his fingers nimbly undoing the knot that held it together around the box. Quickly glancing up at you, he smiled awkwardly then looked back down and lifted the top from the box and then finally moving the tissue paper aside. He smiled, almost childlike, upon seeing the quill inside.

"I saw you ogling mine a few times, thought I'd best get you one before it disappeared," you joked.

"It's perfect, thank you," he leaned over and kissed you, then hovered near your face. "Amuse my curiosities?" He asked, eyebrow raised.

Raising your own with intrigue, you replied, "If I can."

He licked his soft bottom lip, "When did you buy this?"

You felt your face form a confused look, "Erm, it was the day we went to Hogsmeade..." You thought back, "Before I met you in the pub. Why?"

His eyes dipped from yours, "Did you think we might...rekindle something?" 

You thought for a moment, not wanting to misinrepresent your feelings, "I was still somewhat confused at the time, but I think I always held out some hope. I have to say your potion did not help my confusion." You laughed. "That day changed a lot for me, for us I think. Even without being hopeful I didn't want you to be without a present at Christmas."

Severus nodded his head, "You're too kind. I selfishly hoped you would want me again." His admittance sounded sad, you thought.

You brushed his thigh, gaining the attention of his downward gazing eyeline, "It doesn't matter now; I'm here, you're here and it's Christmas. Eveything else, for today at least, is not important. Now I do believe you have some presents for me...or were you having me on?" You squinted your eyes over dramatically, "If they are empty boxes, I take everything I just said back." You teased, which did begin to ease him from his sorrow. Severus felt things far more deeply than many people would even believe, especially when it came to guilt; you saw it quite plainly now.

He stood up, obviously too dignified to shuffle along the floor as you had, picked up the presents then rejoined you on the rug. You could tell he was nervous as he handed them over, his eyes flickering between you and the gifts in your hand. 

Opting to open the larger of the two first you carefully ripped open the thick, brown wrapping paper to reveal a black leather bound copy of Wuthering Heights; swirls of silvery white knotted together to form a tree on the front. You turned it over in your hand, quoted on the back was Heathcliff's lamentation, 'Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you!'

"It's stunning," you whispered, as you traced the lines of the tree. 

Severus rubbed at his neck, "Your old one looks...well read," he'd picked the politer way to say the old one was ruined. "But I know you'll still keep it," he was right, you would.

The one Severus had bought was so beautiful you knew you were going to be too scared to read it for a while. You did indulge yourself a look at the front page and like a true romantic he had written a message inside; another unexpected. Looking up, he was staring intensely at the book, his hands clasped tightly together; you looked back down to read the inscription.

Y/n

It was not the thorn bending to the honeysuckles, but the honeysuckles embracing the thorn.

Merry Christmas 

Yours

Severus

"You remembered," the words came shakily from your throat. 

"Why wouldn't I have?" He paused waiting for your answer but you found yourself so overcome with emotions that you didn't quite trust yourself to talk, "If you don't like it, I made it so it you don't always to see it." He pointed his wand at the writing and it faded away. 

"Sorry, I love it, I just wasn't expecting it. It got me choked up for a moment. I'm okay now." You enveloped your hand around his wand hand "Bring it back, please." The ends of his lips formed a meek smile and the words began to reappear on the page. "Thank you."

You closed the book and placed it down next to you then opened the second gift, a small black box, inside it a key. Picking it out, you looked it over, "I've seen this before," you said out loud, mainly to yourself, as you tried to think where you recognised it from. A moment later a lightbulb went off and you rushed back to the memory; Severus sick handing you a key. "Is this the key to your quarters?" You asked, surprised and with that crackle of emotion back.

"Yes." He fidgeted, something he rarely did, "It was stupid putting it in a box, it's not exactly a gift I know but,"

Interrupting his rambling with a firm kiss, he sighed and held your body steady with his strong hands. "Not stupid at all," you mumbled against his soft lips as you kissed him again. You pulled away, this time unable to hold back joy filled tears; you were overwhelmed, you had no expectation of a present and he had truly surprised you with his thoughtfulness and the romance of it all. 

He wiped away the tears from your cheeks, "I didn't mean to make you cry...again," his voice was apologetic. "I thought you should have it permanently, for if you ever need me," he broke off to think, "Or to steal a book, or if you find you can't sleep and would like to join me."

You laughed as you sniffed, "Ohh, I see, it's because you don't want to get up to answer the door in the middle of the night." His eyes narrowed and his eyebrow rose up, "I'm joking, of course," you reassured but couldn't quite take the smirk off your face.

"If it's too much, too soon, I won't be offended."

"No, it' not too soon. I promise. Ignore my stupidly timed jokes," you stroked his hand and you both smiled at each other. This was huge for Severus, you knew that. He was letting down a part of his shield by allowing you access to his space whenever you felt like it, not that you would abuse it. It showed he trusted you and you knew he was putting himself far out of his comfort zone with the sentimentality of it. You also knew he must have had to purchase the book in a Muggle shop, no place in Diagon Alley would sell it, which made it even more thoughtful in your opinion. "It's a very sweet gesture, Severus, thank you."

He smiled, "I'm glad I didn't do too terribly."

Shaking your head, you wished he was as confident in himself with you as he was with his potions, "You didn't do terribly at all, you underestimate yourself...and so did I, I can only apologise for my cynicism. I love them."

"I didn't exactly give you much hope." He replied.

"When you tried to refuse my gift the other day, I wanted to throw the box at your stubborn head," you laughed.

He did too, "I'm glad you didn't, you might have broken it."

"The quill or your head?" You asked.

Severus took a brief pause to answer your question, "Both, I suppose. You're quite strong." You punched him lightly in his bicep and he flinched, then held the area "See!" He gasped and then smirked.

"Shut up," you replied jovially, "I'm going for a shower," you stood up from your cross legged positon on the rug, "Care to join me?" You asked untying your robe to reveal nothing underneath.

Severus' eyes turned dark and he quickly jumped from his own sitting position on the floor, you chuckled at his sudden boyish energy, grabbed his hand and lead him into the bathroom. Spinning you around after he kicked the door closed, he captured your lips between his, then softly bit at the plumpness of your bottom lip. The sensation made you shiver.

You untied his robe and slid it of his broad shoulders, Severus did the same to do away with your own item of clothing, then brought your bare chest to his; both sighing with gratitude as your bodies reconnected. Not that you'd been deprived of each other since the reigniting of your relationship. 

That familiar flame engulfed you once more. Pushing him against the door, the shower could wait you thought as you kissed his neck and raked your fingernails down the one side of his chest, the hiss he let loose only encouraged you more. You trailed kisses over his collarbone and then bit down when you felt the muscles of his chest under your mouth. The groan that rumbled through his chest sent tremors along your sensitive lips, his hand snaked up your back and through the underside of your hair, making your scalp tingle with delight. Since telling him not to be gentle at the Astronomy Tower the other night, he hadn't and your body responded to him like never before.

Your knees did not appreciate the cold, hard tile floor underneath them as you kneeled in front of Severus, but you ignored the discomfort; the look of lust and wanting in his eyes was worth it. Catching his dark stare as you slid his boxers over his thighs made your body shiver but rise in temperature simulataneously. 

A strangled sigh escaped his throat as your tongue snaked itself around the tip of his length. It didn't take much of those languid movements for Severus to start losing himself, "You're such a...ahhhh," he suddenly moaned, cutting his own sentence off as you dug your nails into the back of his thighs.

You pulled back slowly, "A what, Severus? A tease?" You asked innocently then started slowly sucking on the sensitive tip once again, he closed his eyes and leaned his head on the door, his hand gently rested on the back of your head as you began long, slow strokes; each one earning their own utterance of pleasure. 

As you sped up, so did his breathing; deep and fevered. "Let me have you," his almost frenzied words were a near plea. You raised your hand and matched it to the rhythm of your mouth, you pulled back quickly and looked up, your hand gliding up and down.

"You have me." Your voice was a cacophony of lust and pleasure. The arousal between your legs had reached your thighs. You'd be a liar if you said you didn't want him to have you fully but you also wanted this. Kneeling before him, his pleasure solely down to you; it was oddly empowering.

He breathed in harshly through his nose as your wrist began a small twisting motion with every dip, "You...ahhh, kn...know what I mean, y/n," he whispered out between breaths, it made the throbbing between your legs worse when he said your name, the timber in even his whisper was ruinous. It took all your resolve to continue but looking up at Severus and seeing how he reacted, you knew this was how you wanted to make him crumble. 

"May I continue now?" You asked, with a rogueish glint in your question. _You're enjoying this far too much._ He nodded his head and you shook yours as you grasped him tighter, he moaned frustratedly, "Remember your words, Severus." He had made you say it the first time you slept together, now it was your turn.

His eyebrows shot open, "Yes." The word was a drawn out hiss, snake like and frustrated. Severus tighteneded his grip on your head, "Don't think I won't remember that later," he warned.

You bit your lip and widened your eyes, "I hope you don't," his hand softened and you took him deep inside your mouth again and began an unrelenting pace, not wanting to tease either of you any longer. 

Under your hand you felt the muscles in his thigh begin to quiver and tighten, his free hand noisily grabbed onto the door handle and the other tensed up in your hair. With a drawn out, throaty, almost desperate moan, Severus lost all control; trembling and pulsating through his orgasm. 

His chest was heaving as you pushed yourself up from the floor, your knees grateful of the reprieve. When he opened his eyes, they were almost completely black, "You are," he licked his dry lips, "Beyond words sometimes." Then he ran his hands over your waist and pulled you into him, the energy that buzzed between your bodies made you heady; control was still an issue. Except you now knew when you were projecting to him, so that felt somewhat like progress. It didn't matter now anyway, there wasn't much that he didn't know. "Let's get you in that shower," he growled as he bit your neck and pushed you towards the cubicle. 

Severus turned on the water and got in, he shivered under the rainfall of the very icy water; he didn't reach out his hand to you until it was warm. He watched as the droplets of water began racing down your body, then followed them with his hands, when the slightly rough skin of his fingertips feathered over your clit, you shuddered at the electricity that spread through into your thighs.

You dug your nails into his shoulder and tiptoed to kiss him, his tongue was fierce against your own; a battle he was going to win. His hand slid further between your legs; thankfully he was in no mood for teasing, clearly, as he pushed two, thick fingers inside of you. Severus frowned against your lips, as your nails dug deeper and your walls instinctively tightened around him. He bit your bottom lip, then dragged his teeth along the sensitive inner nerves, finally releasing it. His hair was wet and blacker than ever, you pushed it back from his face as he thrusted harder.

Closing your eyes you focussed on the tightening feeling that was knotting in your stomach, his body moved from yours and you opened them again to now see him kneeling before you. His fingers had slowed, though the push against your front wall was making you pant, you steadied yourself with a hand on his shoulder, "Don't drown down there," you managed to get out between gasps.

"Y/n, do be quiet," he said, not impressed with your joke and then pushed his tongue hard against your clit. The new sensation mixed with the work of his hand had you broken within minutes. Your orgasm hitting hard and unexpectedly; Severus held you tight with his other hand, stopping you from slipping. 

He kissed you softly on his return from the shower floor and directed you under the water, he wetted the whole of your head then rubbed the shampoo into your scalp and down the rest of your hair. You leaned your arms on the wall as he did, enjoying his thorough adoration. Severus had mastered going from rough to gentle in the space of minutes; his carnal desires and his nurturing care working perfectly in sync with each other. 

When you finally finished showering, you relaxed back into your position on the sofa and you carefully fingered through your new book, mindful not to crease the spine. Severus sat at your desk, in his half buttoned shirt and trousers, scrawling on parchment with his new quill; you were relieved at how much he liked it. 

The distractions of the morning had made you completely forget about Harry's present. You didn't want to embarrass him or yourself by giving it him at lunch, so you knew you'd have to go to the Gryffindor common rooms now. You groaned in your head; you were warm and in quite the blissful Christmas bubble, going out into the cold, bleak reality that Hogwarts now was, didn't appeal to you whatsoever. "I have to go out for a bit," you said outloud, Severus raised his head and looked over to you.

"Something the matter?" He asked.

You smiled to dispel his worry, "I have a present to deliver," you forced yourself from your seat and started to layer up. 

Severus spun the quill between his fingers, "Would you like me to accompany you?" He asked, with a hint of nervousness in his voice. No one, despite the obvious few, had paid much heed to your dancing or flirtations the other night, so most were still none the wiser. 

You walked over the him and perched on your desk, he turned the chair towards you, spreading his legs so yours fit between his and then rested his hands on your waist.

"That's very sweet of you to ask but we need to discuss how we're going to go about our private and professional relationship still."

"Friends can't walk friends to places?" He asked, one eyebrow raised cockily.

"I know you agree with me, so behave," you stroked his face and leant down to press a soft kiss on his lips. "I'll be quick." 

You stood up and he moved out of your way. "Who's the present for?" He enquired as you took it out of your bottom desk drawer.

"Jealous?" You asked.

"Not at all, just curious." He replied.

"It's for Harry...I wasn't sure how many he would receive," you had no plan to hide it from Severus, you weren't nervous to tell him but you were unsure about the reaction it would produce.

He didn't reply straight away, "That's very kind of you," he finally said. You were surprised but happily so. _There I go again, underestimating you._

When you finally managed to get into the Gryffindor common room, Harry, Ron and Hermione all looked up at you as they were leaving the boys dorm, slightly shocked and faces full of worry. "Calm down," you said, "Hermione, I will overlook you being there because it's Christmas. I just came to drop something off for Harry."

The shaggy haired boy smiled as you walked closer to the group, Ron still had a worried look on his face. You passed Harry the gift box full of sweets. There was an uncomfortable tension in the air, "Is there something I should be concerned about?" You asked as you looked between the three.

12 year olds have terrible poker faces, they all scrambled to say no, Hermione making the most sense. "Okayyyy, well I'm trusting you three. Hermione I didn't see you okay?"

She nodded her curly head fervently, "Yes, Professor."

"Thank you for my present, Professor," Harry said.

"You're welcome, Harry. I'm sure there's more than enough there to share amongst your friends, too," you smiled and headed back towards the door.

"Bloody hell!" Ron exclaimed, the rustling of wrappers soon following.

"Merry Christmas," you shouted as you left, not bothering to look back at the children gorging themselves. Mumbled Merry Christmases were returned.

They were certainly up to something, what and how severe that was, was yet to be known; looking for yourself would be unethical and likely to get you fired if Dumbledore found out. Walking back you thought about what you should do and whether you should tell Severus or not. Maybe Minerva would be better informed? That's what you'd do, you'd just drop a quick word in Minerva's ear at lunch today and enjoy the rest of your Christmas; even if it would niggle at you for the rest of it.

Hiding the concern from your face as you entered your quarters again, you joined Severus on the sofa. A steaming cup of coffee and breakfast waiting for you, as if he knew when you'd be back.

"Everything okay?" He asked, maybe you hadn't hidden it as well as you thought.

"Mmm, flipping freezing outside," you didn't want to keep it from him but you didn't want him fretting about it all day either. You'd had a perfect morning and he was finally relaxed, which he so desperately needed before he burned himself out. No, you would deal with this very insignifcant worry by yourself; after all it was probably nothing.

Christmas lunch in the Great hall was a festive wonderland. The snow was falling, tables were adorned with a festive spread and the pupils excitement bubbled away. Ron and Harry had almost identical jumpers on, both with their individual initial. Hand knitted. You thought it was cute but walking down the side of the Slytherin table, so far unseen by the small group near the end of it, you heard Draco Malfoy's taunts. Harry must have too, with only a small number of pupils still here, the hall was far quieter than any meal time you'd been at since starting. 

Draco caught your strides from the corner of his eye and quickly tapped his two meathead friends to quieten them. He reminded you so much of his father, all smarm and privilege. You stood, chest out and shoulders back, inbetween the three boys and readied your stricter teacher voice, "Mr Malfoy, may I remind you that it is Christmas, the season of good will, maybe you could try showing your fellow pupils some of it for a change," he smirked. Urgh. His followers were bursting to laugh, clearly none of them saw any authority in you.

"It is Christmas, Professor," the word came out venomous, clearly an imitation of his father's distaste for you, "so shouldn't you be leaving me alone so I can enjoy it?

Your eyes widened, partly through disbelief but mainly in anger, how bloody rude. Crabbe and Goyle could no longer contain themselves and both laughed. Drawing the attention of other pupils. Clenching your hands together behind your back, you breathed heavily through your nose, "That's 5 points deducted for disrespecting a teacher," you said sternly but with calmness, the laughter from the two boys abruptly ceased, "And a further 5 points for bullying."

It seemed, much like Lucius, Draco liked the last word, "You can't do that, you're not even a proper teacher." 

"Merry Christmas boys, enjoy your lunch," you were not about to argue with a 12 year old, no matter how annoying he was. 

As you walked you heard him poorly whisper to his friends, "My Father says she won't be here much longer anyway." 

_I'll show your father._

Minerva patted your hand discreetly once you were seated next to her, she must have noticed the exchange too. "Merry Christmas, dear." She wished you, in her quiet Scottish tones. 

"Merry Christmas, Minerva. I hope you had a pleasant morning." You replied and started filling your plate with turkey.

"I wouldn't say it's much different to most mornings, only less traffic about the place," You were listening as you added cranberry sauce next to the turkey but you were slightly distracted, "Where's Severus?" She asked in the usual, suspicious way.

"He'll be here soon, he ju.." you stopped yourself, and felt your face rise in temperature, Minerva had an ear to ear grin on her face; she already knew.

"Your secret is safe with me. I'm glad you've sorted out whatever the problem was." She patted you again and started eating her food.

As always, Severus strode confidently into the hall, _impeccable timing as ever_. You couldn't help think about your shower this morning, it seemed to be putting an extra spring in his step too. As he pulled out the chair both you and Minerva looked at him for too long, "What?" He asked as he lingered with the chair in hand.

Like two children caught being naughty you, in unison, chimed, "Nothing," and focussed back down on your plates. Severus huffed but took his place next to you and silently served himself his lunch.

Under the cover of the tablecloth, he pressed the bottom half of his leg against yours and then shot you a polite smile, one that wouldn't look _too_ odd to people. You had to face it, Severus smiling so much was a little strange for everyone.

\------------------------

Severus knew it would happen, all heads of houses were pulled away for much of the day after lunch. He left you in your room, a small kiss on departure; he didn't want to start anything that couldn't be finished and promised he would be back as soon as he could. You gracefully told him not to worry about it, that you had your own duties to attend to and you could easily occupy yourself with a trip to see Hagrid but he still loathed to leave you. You clearly loved Christmas, something instilled in you from your mother and he wanted to help honour that. He at least seemed to have succeeded for the first half of he day he thought, quite proud of himself.

He'd even surprised himself when you went to see Harry. When Severus observed him at lunch, all smiles and childish frivolity, there lay the usual pain it took to look at him; so much like his father but with his mother's beautiful eyes. A pang of shame hit him straight in the chest, how could he so often treat Lily's son with such contempt? And what would Lily think? He asked himself as he walked the now desolate corridors back to the dungeons. 

_What does y/n think?_

He realised that for the first time, someone else's opinion mattered more than Lily's. His love for you didn't replace her, she would always be important to him, but it had slowly begun to overshadow those aged feelings. Severus thought this would distress him more but he felt calmed by it. A second chance.

Opening the door to his quarters, he wanted to shower before coming to see you but he didn't have to wait, there you were asleep on his worn sofa, the book he had bought sitting on the table. 

He got closer to wake you and was hit with a strong smell of alcohol. _Someone's had an interesting day._ Turning around, he walked over and opened a locked cabinet in the corner of the room, a small store of potions awaiting inside; he picked up a bottle filled with purple liquid.

Shaking your arm gently and saying your name made you jump awake, you immediately projected the labours of your afternoon; getting very merry with Hagrid. "What did you see?" You asked clutching your head.

Severus laughed, "Enough to know you need this. A little something to sober you up," he swirled the bottle in front of you. He knew she wasn't going to like this.

You flared your nostrils, "I hope it tastes better than one for my leg," you replied shakily. Still drunk and sleepy.

Severus frowned sympathetically, "I'm afraid it doesn't but it'll soon rid you of your...ailment," he laughed again.

You swatted his arm, "Shush you." Taking the bottle you downed it in one, Severus winced, knowing that wasn't the best idea. You gagged and Severus stroked your hand to try to make you feel slightly better; he was glad when you'd managed to keep it down. It was a foul tasting potion but very effective.

You lay on his shoulder and Severus closed his eyes and rested his head on top of yours, breathing in the sweet scent of your shampoo. "Take me to bed, Sev.." you murmured.

"Sev?" Severus asked quickly, surprised and uncharacteristically pleased with the name

"Ignore that!"

"Absolutely not!" He replied.

You pushed yourself up, "Urgh, fine. Did I just embarrass myself even more? As if falling to sleep drunk on your sofa the first time I let myself in wasn't bad enough?"

Severus shook his head in dismissal, "No embarrassment necessary, I was very pleased to see you and...I don't mind Sev." What he wanted to say was he liked it very much and it sounded right on your tongue, "But, not in public, please."

You beamed at him, which replaced the feeling of the guilt and shame in his chest from earlier with elation. Seeing the colour coming back to your cheeks and your eyes awakening, "That potion working?" He asked.

"It is actually. That another Snape Special?" You asked in your usual jovial way.

He shook his head at your crude expression, "Yes it is."

"Well I need to take the taste of sulphur and eggs out of my mouth now, so how about I make us some hot chocolate and you tell me about your rivetting day?"

"Well, that won't take long, it wasn't. At all. Discounting this morning, of course" He rubbed your thigh and kissed your cheek. "I'll shower and meet you in bed shall I?" Severus wasn't sure if their quick domestic happiness was usual or not but neither of you seemed to mind it, so he wasn't going to bring it up. 

Half an hour later, Severus walked into the bedroom, you were already in bed, two cups on the bedside table and your book. 

You passed him the mug once he was in bed, it had little fluffy marshmallows floating in it, "This looks like it might rot my teeth," he half grumped.

"Then it is a success!"

Severus managed half a cup and bypassed the sugary pillows of marshmallow, as he listened to you tell him about the extremely strong home brew Hagrid had produced. He watched the way your lips moved, the way a crease would form when you smiled then quickly disappear. Severus was amazed that you managed to finish the whole cup and not feel sick.

It was a simple day and he had to work but this was the best Christmas Severus could remember.

You looked over at him, "Seeing as you bought it, I think you should start it off," you picked up the book from the side table and stroked your thumb over the front, "If you don't mind? I know if you don't, it might take me months to actually open it properly. New books always feel too sacred." 

Severus loved your little quirks, he nodded his head and opened his arms to you. After passing him the book, you lay your head on his chest and waited for him to begin. He was very glad he had given you the key.

Severus cleared his throat, then began, "I have just returned from a visit to my Landlord - the solitary neighbour that I shall be troubled with." 


	29. What we lost to the fire.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger warnings. Mental trauma and abuse.

The infirmary had gained a new patient over Christmas. Hermione Granger! You had kicked yourself when you heard the news on Boxing Day, you knew those three had been up to something. Both you and Minerva were disappointed in yourselves for not following up on the weird feeling you had and shared with her. “You live and learn,” she said, trying to make you feel better. Leaving the telling off to Minerva, you were sure it would be brief as the punishment of coughing up fur balls was probably harsh enough.

Severus was livid and as Hermione was a friend of Harry’s, he was immediately suspicious. Still not happy when he readied himself to visit his childhood home, you had to do a lot of coaxing to actually get him to leave. Even though you didn’t necessarily want him to go and as much as he had hinted at you joining, you didn’t quite feel like you should just yet.

So, having woken from a dream that left you with a weird feeling in your stomach, you were sitting in the infirmary, with the petrified students, whilst listening to Hermione’s soft snores. Your quill glided along the parchment in front of you, your handwriting slightly messier than usual due to your weary state; Stephanie hadn’t replied to your last letter or the gift you had sent her, the rational side of you told you not to worry but that was far easier said than done, especially as she had wanted to meet over the Christmas period.

You folded the parchment and placed it in your bag with the intention of sending it via school owl at a more reasonable time of the day. Closing your eyes, you hadn’t realised how tired you still were, you sat up straighter in the uncomfortable visitors chair but it was no use, your eyes slowly drifted to a close, once, twice and then nothing.

Waking for the second time that morning, in a confused state and with a hand on your shoulder, you, without a second thought leapt from your seat and drew your wand at the unwanted visitor. Fear and embarrassment hit you when you saw who had woken you, “Albus,” you exhaled and dropped your wand quickly, “I’m so sorry.”

He raised his hand, “No, I apologise, that was thoughtless of me. I hope you’re not too startled.”

Letting out a breathy, half laugh, you brushed your hand over your heavily beating heart. “I’m okay, though I’m starting to think Hogwarts might be ageing me far too quickly.”

Albus laughed, “I’m glad to have stumbled on you actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. Join me?” Something in the pit of your stomach stirred, you hated when someone wanted to _talk;_ it never ended well.

Smoothing down your clothes, you nodded your head in agreement, “Of course.” The blanket that Madame Pomfrey must have covered you in, lay crumpled on the floor after flinging it off in your panic; you folded it up and left it on the chair, then picked up your bag. “Were you checking on Hermione?” You asked to break the silence.

“Yes. Odd business, that.” He said, glancing over at her bay; an elusive answer as ever, you thought.

Walking the deserted halls with Albus was odd but not too uncomfortable. The two of you didn’t have the sort of bond you had with Minerva but there was no denying Albus had a large role in your teenage years. “I won’t delay my point,” Albus declared, “I’ve spoken to all those concerned and there’s really no need to keep up this pretence of training anymore, Y/n, you’re more than ready. Your confidence in the classroom is exceptional.” _And there’s me thinking I was going to get the sack._

You were flattered and with flattery came your mumbling, you hated compliments. “Thank you, Albus.”

“I think the Apothecary department would suit you very well.” He remarked with utter conviction.

“Oh.” He’d put you on the spot there; you did have a heavily leaning preference for potions, but full time with Severus? Your relationship was, in the grand scheme of things, still new, even if it was a complex situation. And why hadn’t Albus suggested Defence Against the Dark Arts? Everyone knew Lockhart needed all the assistance he could get. “I have responsibilities in all the subjects at the moment, Albus, I’d like to at least see that through until the end of the school year. If that’s okay?” Yes, that seemed like the most diplomatic way to say you had no bloody idea yet.

Albus smiled, “Perfectly.”

That would give you time to be sure, give your relationship with Severus time to settle and see how far Lockhart had dragged the curriculum in Defence Against the Dark Arts.

Linking your fingers in an embrace, you thought this was the perfect opportunity to speak to Albus about your control issues, but it also felt wrong. Should you be doing so without Severus’ knowledge? However, the silence was too long and Albus was annoyingly intuitive, “Something troubling you, y/n?” He asked softly.

“Do you remember when I finished school, Albus?” You asked.

“Are you referring to a _particular_ conversation?” He emphasised his words,

“I am.” You replied.

He sighed, “I did wonder when this would come up. Let’s go to my office,” he paused, “I’ll make us some tea. Chilly today.”

In contrast, Albus’ office was much warmer than the icy corridors. It always smelt somewhat musty in there, likely due to the amount of old books and antique contraptions he had dotted around the place. The rugs looked well walked upon and the frames that held paintings of old nosey men needed to be dusted but it still remained cosy and homely.

Albus soon had a steaming pot of tea on his desk, along with two cups, a plate of biscuits, a milk jug and a bowl of sugar. He poured the bronze liquid into the cups then carefully placed yours on the desk in front of his guest chairs. You took that as an invitation to sit and did so, then helped yourself to a drop of milk and a biscuit.

“So, you have some questions?” Albus remarked as he took two biscuits from the plate.

“I have no doubts that you know about Severus and I.” You said as confidently as you could, it wasn’t against school rules and you knew he already knew, but this was making it official.

“I do. Quite happily, too, may I add.” The wrinkles of his face became deeper as he smiled broadly at you.

“I have always appreciated the extra care I was shown here at Hogwarts, Albus, and I know that as much as you stayed in the background you tried to help me. This is awkward, but,“ You paused, you could still leave, you didn’t have to say anything, “Severus thinks you’ve orchestrated something behind our backs and I’m inclined to agree with him.” Albus looked at you warily as he sipped his tea, “I know you never wanted me to leave Hogwarts grounds. After my exams you tried your best to get me to stay and I can’t help feel like you’re doing it again.” He didn’t answer but you were now interested about his original motives, “Come to think of it, why didn’t you want me to leave?”

Albus set his cup down, “To try and answer you,” he began as he smoothed down his long, white beard, “It was the safest place for you.”

“Safe from what though? My father was in Azkaban, you’d changed my name. I don’t quite understand.” Granted, he had eventually found you but Albus couldn’t have known that. An escape from Azkaban isn’t a regular occurrence after all.

“It was more of a personal situation. I couldn’t tell you at the time, I didn’t think you were ready but I also couldn’t force you to stay.”

 _What the fuck is he going on about?_ “Personal for who? Tell me what?” You asked, leaning forward in your chair.

“All those involved.” He sighed, “Your Grandmother entrusted you with us here at Hogwarts. Specifically myself and Minerva. It was the only place I felt I could keep you safe.” You had completely fallen off the point about you and Severus; you thought starting from the beginning would have helped but this didn’t feel right now.

“This...you’re not making any sense, Albus!” Your temper began to flare at his usual round about way of getting to the point. It was tolerable most of the time but today your tolerance seemed to be completely lacking.

“I’ve always wondered when the best time to tell you this would be, sadly I am not prepared for it.” He stood and walked slowly around his desk to a black cabinet in the corner, “I met you long before you came to Hogwarts, y/n, your Grandmother and I became good friends after she spent so much time at the school when your father attended. As you can imagine, he got himself into quite a lot of trouble.” He opened the cupboard doors, revealing a shallow basin, with runes carved into its outer edge.

“A Pensieve.” You said apprehensively as you stood, your gaze fixated on the silvery liquid that filled the basin. Dread. That’s all you felt.

“Yes. It comes in handy when my mind is feeling a little full.” Albus mused as he stared off into nowhere, his eyes moving from side to side, as if he was flicking through a mental catalogue. “There it is,” his voice now sounded pained as he’d obviously found the memory he was looking for. “I was under strict instructions from your Grandmother not to show you any of this until you were an adult. I’ve often wondered if I should show you at all.”

“Wha…” The words stuck in your throat, “What’s this about? Show me what?” You said as you shakily pointed at the Pensieve.

_Leave. Whatever is in there is the past...you don’t need to see it. Leave. Nothing good will come of it. There’s a reason you don’t go messing around in other people’s memories, y/n!_

As much as your mind willed it, your feet kept you planted in Albus’ office.

“Y/n, when you were younger your father…”

“My father, of course!” You spat out. The mere mention of him fuelled a fire in you.

“These are your memories, y/n.” He said as he pulled the wispy strings of mist from the side of his forehead.

Dry mouthed, you didn’t know what to say. He had your memories and you didn’t remember them ever being taken, “Wh..my memory? How is that possible? I’ve never..” _Unless he..._

“I took it.” Albus said, almost regretfully. “Your Grandmother pleaded with me to rid you of the nightmares he had left behind.”

You shook your head, “He was always there.” The nightmare had never ended. 

His old eyes met yours, “Trauma seeps into the deepest, darkest parts of our mind, I removed what I could.”

Feeling sick, your palms became clammy with sweat, you just wanted to get this over with, “What did he do?”

He gestured to the silver pond that lay before him, “It’s all in here.”

“I don’t want to see it!” You shouted, fists clenched and back rigid, it shocked you just as much as it had Albus. _Calm down, y/n._ _“_ I asked what he did! If I see it then it’s my memory again and as unethical as this all sounds, I trusted her!” Your Grandmother had spent her last years of life protecting you, she wouldn’t have done something to jeopardise that.

“The memories will always be yours, y/n” He paused, “But I understand.” He closed the cabinet and walked over to you, hesitation written all over his features.

“There’s nothing you can tell me that would make me think any littler of him. That ship sailed long ago...and I have learnt my lesson, I’d never go after him again.” You assured him.

“I’m not concerned about him.” Albus said softly.

“I know.” The hostility you were feeling towards him began to simmer as you calmed yourself, whatever he was about to tell you, you needed a clear head to hear. Albus lowered himself into his desk chair, a ready but reluctant storyteller.

“When your mother disappeared, he looked to you to help find her,” The skin on the back of your neck stood on end and the calmness you had worked on burst. “He was convinced you knew where she would be, when he couldn’t find a trace of her, his methods became…” Albus looked for the right word, then his eyes dropped, “He tortured your young mind, with things that should have shattered it into pieces.”

Your eyes welled up and your nostrils flared, “Spare me the details on those parts, please.” You didn’t need to hear it, you knew the cruel methods used to extract memories from unwilling victims. Looking from the outside, you probably didn't look like you had just been told your father tortured you and as sickening as the thought was, it didn't surprise you. 

“Of course,” his tone sympathetic, “Your Grandmother didn’t trust the Ministry to go anywhere near you and after weeks of nightmares and watching you withdraw, she got a message to me that she needed my help. I did what I could.” He said, with an almost air of regret. “Removing the memories and altering what needed to be altered was the hardest part.” You could tell he was playing the memories through his head as he spoke, “You fought me every step of the way, I remember being amazed at how strong you were. Your Grandmother always said you were.”

“I don’t feel powerful,” You said as you wiped a tear from your cheek. “So you wanted me to stay here because you knew he’d come for me.”

“He created something he loathed. Yes I was worried but did I know for sure? Absolutely not. That’s why I never forced you to stay.” You closed your eyes, wanting to scream, wishing you had killed him when you had the chance. “Your father was right by the way,” Albus interrupted your disturbing thoughts, “You had protected her; never once giving up a memory to him, or to me.”

Something inside of you told you to think rationally, maybe you’d got this whole thing wrong with Severus, that this was all just a big coincidental mess. This was no longer intriguing to you but terrifying. “That’s explainable. Anyone can compartmentalise a set of memories.”

Albus gave you a questioning look, “Years of memories? As a child and without proper practice? I’ve never heard of it.” He shook his head. “You built a connection so strong with your mother that you protected her even when logic would tell us it was impossible.” He obviously didn’t need to see inside your head to realise what you had tried to do.

Closing your eyes, you couldn’t quite believe all of this. Actually you could, your life had always been a ridiculous twisted mess. “This sounds made up.” You said, but there was no conviction in your voice. Broken. You felt more broken than ever and you were thankful you listened to your gut and didn’t look into the Pensieve.

“I can assure you it’s not. Lily Potter saved Harry through sheer love and determination. It’s rare but sometimes our power to love…” _Lily. Severus._ Drowning out his words, you remembered why this conversation had started in the first place.

You interrupted Albus’ again, “So you did set us up.” He looked at you, mouth still mid word and confused and you quickly clutched at information to piece together. “You said you never saw my mother but he did,” Albus’ look of confusion only grew and you realised you were now making no sense. “You told Severus that he should _show_ me his past and that he should let me help him. Now neither of us can control what we see!” _Shit. You shouldn’t have told him that._

Albus thought on your words before he answered, which only heightened your anger, “When you said I had orchestrated something behind your back, I had no idea you meant something of that magnitude, Y/N.”

“How can I trust you? Who's to say you weren’t going to just forget to tell me for nearly 20 years?!” The chair screeched across the floor as you stood hastily from it.

Albus stood too, “You’ve been lied to enough and I can only apologise for my part in that. My own guilt pushed Severus to be honest with you, you needed to see it to believe it all. I thought your compassion and your companionship would bring him back from the brink he’s teetered on for years. He needs protection…”

“I’d have given him my protection without your interference!” You snapped.

“I did not think that it would open up any complications,” A silence fell between the two of you, no matter how angry you were, you were inclined to believe Albus, “If my assumptions are right about your mother..” He stopped mid sentence, “I knew you and Severus cared for each other but this would lead one to believe that there is much more to it than that.”

You shook your head, you didn’t want to listen to what he might be about to say, “I’ve heard enough. Is there anything else I need to know before I leave…”

“There is one more thing.” He said quickly, “On two occasions when you were younger, you told your Grandmother where your mother was. It turned out to be correct on both occasions.”

More memories you didn’t recall, “And what happened to my recollection of that?” You accused.

His eyes dipped from yours, telling you all you needed to know.

“But I can find her?” Your voice cracked at the question.

Albus looked back up, “It’s been a very long time. I can’t give you a definitive answer to that, I’m afraid.”

How you had managed to hold yourself together in Albus’ office was a miracle, now you were out, your whole world was spinning. You thought your complications with Severus were bad, but that barely scratched the surface now. Or did it? You hated how little sense this all made. Not being able to hold onto a thought long enough to deal with it, you began to feel nauseous.

Practically throwing yourself out of the nearest exit, your stomach lurched and your whole body spasmed as you brought up what little was in your stomach. _You can find her._ As much as you had stopped yourself looking for her over the years...you could? How had Albus erased it all? Resting your head on the cold outer stones of the castle walls, you tried to catch the breath that the retching had stolen. All around suddenly seemed alien, the ground you stood on no longer felt safe, even the thoughts in your head didn’t feel right. _Run._

This time your body listened and pushed itself from the wall and bounded across the grounds of the school. The castle and its surroundings became a blur as you moved as fast as your feet could carry you, until you were finally off school grounds. Head pounding and lungs desperate for more air, you thought you might be sick again as you crouched down and began sobbing uncontrollably. The snow seeped into your clothes, you didn’t even have the capacity to think about stopping it before you froze. Shivering started, in part from the crying but mainly from the wintery nightmare around you. You didn’t care.

_Severus._

He was your one resounding thought. You’d never been to Spinners End, so that was going to make apparating there more difficult but you didn’t have many other options. Standing back up, you closed your eyes and thought of your destination. _Spinners End._ Pacing through the snow to regain some body heat, you repeated it again and again, then apparated.

Your mind wasn’t focussed enough, you knew it as soon the spell took over. Howling in pain as your body compressed and contorted through the darkness, a searing heat burnt through your hand. 

Hitting the concrete floor with a thud, your head bounced off the unforgiving surface. You managed to open your eyes briefly; even with your vision a blur you could see your hand was covered in blood and you could feel yourself becoming increasingly wet as the rain came down on you in sheets. Blinking, it looked as though you were between two brick buildings but you couldn’t focus and soon you could barely keep your eyes open as the pain pushed you out of consciousness.

\-----------------

The doorbell rang as Severus sat in the living room of his childhood home. He’d had an odd feeling come over him in the last hour, an unease that had set in his mind, though he couldn’t pinpoint where it had come from. The unplanned visitor at his door, therefore, roused his suspicions immediately. He answered it with his wand behind his back.

It was Mrs Morris, the elderly lady who lived on the other side of the alley. Severus was pleasant to her but she didn’t often turn up at his door in the pouring rain. “Severus, come quick, there’s someone lying in the passageway!” She almost yelled out in her croaky voice. Turning as fast as she could, she walked around the side of the house. Probably a drunk, Severus thought, as he rushed after her, instantly regretting not putting on his cloak. He rounded the shabby house and froze. “Severus! Stay here with her, I’m going to call an ambulance.” Mrs Morris said. “Severus! Help the poor woman, would ya?” She screeched as she watched him just stare at the limp body on the floor.

He pounded towards you, rain ricocheting around his ankles and dropped to his knees. “Go into my house and phone the ambulance from there.” He shouted back to Mrs Morris, knowing full well he didn’t have a phone; the last thing they needed was an ambulance.

“Y/n.” Your name came out as a shallow sob. Shock had taken over at first but now he could see where the blood was coming from; the rain hadn’t quite washed away where it had pooled around your head yet. Severus scanned your body, there was more damage; your left hand was a mess but clearly less severe than your head. At the sight of all the blood and your body in such a fragile state, he didn’t know what to do. “Y/n.” he cried again, then with as much caution and care he could muster in his shaking body, he worked his arms under your cold, almost lifeless figure and lifted you up. Your head lolled into his chest immediately. Severus bit back the tears he could feel stinging the backs of his eyes, “Come on, Y/n.”

Entering the house he headed straight up the stairs. Mrs Morris hearing the commotion, came out into the hall; her search for the phone obviously fruitless. “What are you doing? And I can’t find your phone!” She shouted up the staircase after him. He ignored the old woman and forced open his bedroom door, he gently placed you down and then ran back out and down the stairs to Mrs Morris. “You don’t have a phone,” she said crossing her arms

“Yes, I must have forgotten,” Severus replied quickly whilst directing her out of the door, “Let’s go use yours.” He was running on pure adrenaline, none of his decisions or words seeming to be from any conscious effort.

She looked back as he practically pushed her out of the door, “Who forgets they don’t have a phone? You’re a very strange man, you know that?”

“Yes, yes Mrs Morris, you’ve told me on many occasions.” He huffed as he followed behind her, inwardly urging her to move quicker.

“I have? What have you done with that young lady?” She asked, confused, as she slowly opened her door.

They stepped in, “Yes, you have told me that before and don’t worry, she’ll be fine.” _She has to be._ She turned to Severus, who now had his wand out ready. “Obliviate.” It wasn’t the first time that Mrs Morris had been obliviated and probably wasn't going to be the last. He left her house, closing the door firmly shut. Checking down the street, he then bolted back across to his own home and flung himself up the stairs so hard that it was a miracle the railings remained on the wall.

Swallowing back the bile in his throat as he saw your unmoving body once more, he knew he didn’t have time to waste on his feelings; he’d deal with those once he'd tended to your injuries. The bed beside you dipped under the weight as he sat as close as he could, pointing his wand at your head, he began the incantations for a healing spell; they were a mere whisper but the determination behind his words was unmissable. With his free hand he cupped your face and couldn’t help but focus on the eerie coolness of your skin.

The bleed in your head had already begun to clot before Severus started healing the wound, which seemed to bring Severus a slight feeling of relief. He was no healer but he was pulling out everything he knew and proceeding with caution, not willing to risk a mistake. The attention of his wand moved to the second of your wounds, he immediately recognised the injury on your hand; you’d been splinched, which means you’d apparated here. Severus couldn’t understand how it would have happened, he knew you could apparate without issue. You were in luck though, if you could call it that, you’d not left any fingers behind; just skin and muscle. Healing that would be a lot easier than a loss of limb.

Magic forged the delicate structure of your hand back together but the ordeal had left Severus’ own hands a bloody, shaking mess. The rest of him had not fared well either; the white of the shirt that peered out above his jacket was stained crimson, there were smears of diluted blood on his neck, his clothes were soaked through and his face was so washed out, it was almost as if the life had been sucked from him.

The bed you lay on was now blackened with blood and dirt from the street. Tentatively, he removed your clothes, he could dry and clean them magically but he wasn’t sure he could face seeing you in them any more. Severus peeled the wet trousers from your legs; he didn’t even try to remove the top properly, instead he cut down the middle of it with his wand. Shivering at the sight of your pale, goose-bumped skin, he hastened to redress you. He didn’t have a lot and he didn’t want to put anything over your head, so he resorted to one of his white shirts, boxer shorts and the thickest pair of socks he could find. He dried and then cleaned the sheets with his wand, then bundled you up in the duvet; just how you liked to sleep. Putting his wand under the covers and spinning it gently, he uttered another incantation, “Focillo,” as warmth radiated from his wand, he hoped to soon see life come back to your cheeks. It took several painstaking minutes for the tinge of blue your lips had turned to fade, not back to their usual healthy pink hue, but better than before.

Severus shivered again, he’d paid no attention to the fact that he himself was still wet. He had taken off his jacket while dressing you, but his shirt was damp and his trousers the same. You'd likely be out for hours but Severus’ mind betrayed him and thought the worst. What if she didn’t wake up at all? _Of course she will!_ He berated himself for thinking something so stupid and forced himself away from the bedside. Your injuries weren’t life threatening, they had looked far worse than they were, but you still had to come out of your unconscious state. _You_ _had to._ He needed to warm himself and clean off the blood but first he had to get a message to the school, he wondered if they were even aware you'd left. 

Rushing back downstairs, he scrawled a messy note on a scrap piece of paper, then whistled; moments later an owl flew into the room and perched itself on the table. The owl took the piece of paper, “Dumbledore,” he commanded then ran back upstairs. He stood in the doorway and watched the duvet rise and fall as you breathed slowly. Forcing himself away again, he undressed and took the fastest shower he’d ever taken. Watching as the last of your blood ran down the drain, he felt a sickness wash over him and his limbs became heavy. The adrenaline was finally leaving his body; no longer running around, Severus was bombarded with the image of you lying in the alleyway, he crumpled into the bath, unable to force the anger and the fear out of him. He sat there in silence as the water rained down upon his head. 

It took him some time to compose himself, but once he had, he dried and dressed as he watched you. Severus set himself on the bed next to you and brushed the hair gently from your face. His hand shook involuntarily. _Please wake up,_ he pleaded as he slammed his eyes shut. Severus touched you over and over again in the hopes he would get a glimpse of what brought you here but he could feel nothing.


	30. Spinner's End

Heat radiated onto your face as you listened to the sway of the trees; it moved in sync with the summer breeze that crept under the leg of your shorts. It was the warmest you had felt in a long time. Shielding your eyes as you opened them, you turned your head to the side to avoid the sting that the sun would inevitably bring. Rose Cottage.

It was aptly referred to as that because of the sheer amount of roses, of all colours and sizes, that would bloom around the property every year; your Grandmother did not possess one green finger, nor did she maintain them, but without fail and without explanation they would spring up and survive every season. You often pricked and scratched yourself on the sharp, fresh thorns; usually in search of bugs in the dirt. Beaten and bashed, dug up and often neglected, there they were, intact and not looking too worse for wear.

Standing up, you brushed the remnants of grass from your shorts and made your way to the cottage. It was a beautiful two storey building, white with a thatched roof and blue window shutters. Unusual; the door was unlocked, you walked in cautiously and looked around the small entrance hall. “Grandma!” You shouted but there was no response. Maybe she was upstairs, she’d never hear you if she was pottering around up there.

The wooden stairs beneath your feet creaked at almost every step; they made it near impossible to sneak downstairs in the middle of the night when you couldn’t sleep. Reaching the top, your eyes were drawn to your open bedroom door, “Grandma? You in there?” You asked as you walked in, but she wasn’t; only Shackles the cat, passed out asleep and gently purring, occupied it. Gently sitting next to the slumbering, ginger ball of fur, you looked around your room. You’d scuffed and scratched the lavender paintwork while playing on numerous occasions but it was brought to life with the drawings you often did as you sat in the garden. Looking at them from that angle, you could see how wonky you had stuck them up.

Catching yourself in the small mirror on your drawers you stiffened. Slowly approaching the offending reflection you touched your cheek, the face that stared back looked familiar but not at the same time. A thick silver streak ran down the front of your hair and as you looked into your eyes, one blue, one green, you couldn’t remember if they had always been like that or not. They closed heavily as you looked at yourself, a sudden all-encompassing tiredness seeped into you; it made you walk back to the bed behind you and lie down, carefully, as not to wake Shackles. The frayed knitted doll next to your pillow tickled your nose as you cuddled into it and then nothing but darkness was before you.

When you woke up, Shackles was still purring away, but you could hear something downstairs now. You leapt up, padded along the landing and down them. It was your Grandmother in the kitchen; what she lacked in her gardening skills she made up for with her cooking. You ducked as a wooden spoon flew from the counter into her waiting hand. “Grandma.”

“Oh hello, dear.” She said as she continued cooking, her crisp white apron covering her yellow sundress.

“Where were you earlier? Why was the door left open?” You asked as you edged closer towards her. We never left the house unlocked. It had always, always been that way.

“What do you mean?” She asked as she turned and wiped her hand on a rag, “I’ve been in here all morning.”

“Oh, but I came in from the garden and I called for you.” You informed her, confused as to how you could have missed her in the kitchen.

“Nevermind. Did you sleep well, Esther?” She enquired kindly.

“Esther?”

“Yes, dear, you. Did you sleep okay? Still a bit confused? I’ve told you sleeping in the day will make your head fuzzy.” She turned and stirred the food in the pan again.

“But my name’s…” You whispered. Wait, what was your name? _My name’s Esther._ It sounded right but it sounded wrong.

She poured the soup from the pan into two bowls, “Sit up, lunch is ready. Sorry, it’s a bit late.” She said as she brought the bowls to the table, followed by a plate of bread and butter. It smelt divine as you took the same seat you always did at the oak kitchen table.

“I think you’re right about the fuzzy head,” you agreed, still not sure that name sat right with you, _Esther,_ “At least I’m not as bad as the cat. Shackles has been asleep on my bed for ages. Laziest animal I’ve ever known.” You laughed and bit a chunk of bread, the butter clinging to your lips.

Your Grandma looked at you in bewilderment, “Shackles has been dead for 6 months,” she said shakily, “Maybe we need to get Albus back.” She whispered as she started on her own lunch.

“Albus? Who’s Albus?” You asked but you recognised the name. _Albus_. “Oh wait, is that the man who used to tell Father off a lot at Hogwarts?”

“How do you know that?” Your Grandmother said harshly, dropping her spoon in the bowl.

“I…” Your throat tightened, she looked upset, “I don’t know.” Your Grandmother sat in silence as she continued eating, with tears in your eyes, you tried to choke back the feeling that something wasn’t right. “I don’t want to go to Hogwarts.”

“You have to.” She replied.

The tiredness was back, _I’ve just woken up, how can I be tir..._

Snow covered your boot laden feet, you watched as a Robin hopped delightedly through it, leaving tiny footprints in his wake. Beside you, your Grandmother stood, her warm gaze fixed on you.

“How are these roses still alive, Grandma? Everything else is dead.” You asked as you turned your attention from the bird to the flowers in front of you.

“I don’t know, darlin’” She replied; she never had quite lost her American lilt, even after living in England for many years.

“The ground must be charmed, or sacred, or both!” You thought out loud.

She laughed sadly, “Maybe,” and continued her staring.

Noticing it more, you couldn’t ignore it any longer, “What’s wrong?” You asked as you turned to meet her eyes.

“You shouldn’t be here, sweetness. You’re too far back.” The warmness of her look drifted into solemness.

“What do you mean? I live here."

“Not any more. Not for a long time.” She brushed a piece of snow from your hair and turned back towards the roses.

“But... I like it...I like it here.” You replied, voice quivering and eyes tearing up. Her words had washed a coldness over you. Lightly stroking the rose petal you scrunched your brow; _something doesn’t feel right_. Looking around, it was a dry, crisp winter’s day but you could hear thunder and rain in the distance.

“We can’t live in the past, darlin’.” Your Grandmother said affectionately, “Besides, you’re needed where you are.”

“Am I?” You asked, confused and unconvinced. _Where am I needed? I’m needed here, with you, you need me._

“Yes.” She replied confidently.

“What for?”

Your Grandmother laughed lightly, “Many things. And someone and that someone is waiting for you.”

 _Someone._ Your attention was brought back to the flower in your hand, “Can I have this rose, Grandma?”

She nodded her head, “Of course, darlin’”

You plucked the reluctant rose from its home and in return, it cut your palm. Turning over your left hand, you saw the blood begin to seep from the small wound but it was bleeding too much for a usual thorn’s cut and it hurt far more than you ever remembered. Your Grandmother put her frail hand over your wrist, “Remember, your anger will solve nothing but use it if you must. Use everything you have to the best of your ability. That’s the only way.”

The pain in your hand intensified and your vision blurred, “What do you mean? The only way to what?” She turned away from you and walked slowly back towards the cottage, “Grandma, wait!” You tried to follow her but could get no closer, the edges of the garden around you began to grey and the sound of the rain loomed. “Grandma!”

\---------------------------

Severus watched as you slept peacefully. Albus and Madam Pomfrey had come almost immediately and left with an assurance that you were fine, bruised, and battered but would wake soon enough. Madam Pomfrey had praised him for his quick work, however, Severus found little comfort in her compliment. He’d had to ask the healer for her discretion regarding the situation, specifically why you had any reason to apparate to Severus, at his home, during the Christmas holidays.

Once they had left, the black-haired man was alone with his thoughts and that was always a dangerous thing. He had not felt so useless in his own home since he was a boy; when all he could do was sit and listen and cry pathetically while Tobias barked orders or insulted them. His jaw tightened at the mere thought of him. He really fed into his own misery continuing to keep the old, tired house; it was full of memories that bogged him down, that had molded him into the bitter, loathing person he was inside. He reasoned that he kept it because it was quiet, that dark dealings of the muggle variety often went unnoticed there, so his own, more sinister ones also would, but really it was because it was his first tie to Lily. Even though they had lived on opposite ends of town, with almost opposite lives, Cokeworth was theirs. Severus left the bedroom where you lay when his thoughts wandered to Lily, he couldn’t in good conscience deal with his long-standing love and guilt over her when you lay in his bed, unconscious. And every time his mind took him back to finding you, it took him back to finding Lily and he felt like he might break all over again. In no way was he going to jeopardise the relationship you had begun again but he had to admit that he was terrified; hiding away in your private quarters at Hogwarts, where you were safe and protected, he could cope with, but out here, out where you could get hurt, that he hated. Keeping you holed up forever wasn’t an option though.

Severus busied himself for a while until he could trust that his emotions were in check, then watched over you again. Watched for any sign of you waking, even a twitch, but nothing, and every time he touched you, the results were also nothing. He had never willed the lack of control more than he did now. The solemn man skipped dinner, having no appetite; the mere thought of food made his stomach turn and only when he could no longer keep his eyes open did he join you in the bed. Moving in close, he allowed his forehead to rest gently against your shoulder, the warmth that radiated through his shirt gave relief to him and the soft, shallow rhythm of your breathing sent him into a light sleep.

When he awoke with the dawn, you had not moved. Yesterday, when Madam Pomfrey assured him you would wake soon, he hoped it would have been the same day, or at any point through the night but you hadn’t and every second that you were not awake laid heavier on his heart. His eyes lingered on your face, he noticed how your features had paled and your lips had dried, then clamped his eyes tightly shut. _She’s going to be okay._ Turning over and leaving the bed, he plodded down the stairs; lethargic limbs and a wandering mind lead him to the kitchen, where he retrieved a coffee, an apple, and a warm cup of water. A wave of his wand could have done the job much quicker but he needed the activity before he drove himself mad looking at you. When he got back upstairs, he placed it all gently on the shabby bedside table and sat on the bed. Severus dipped his finger into the warm water and then lightly traced your lips; all his ingredients for any type of salve were at the school, so he had to think of the next best thing. He repeated the action throughout his meager breakfast until the water was cool then placed a lingering kiss on your forehead; the first he had allowed himself.

27 hours. Some of the longest of his life.

\--------------------------------------------

The pain in your hand was awful but your head was so much worse, you tried to groan but your throat was so dry that only the faintest of noises came out. It was a struggle to open them, an odd burning pressure lay scolding behind the surface. _What’s happening? The rain!_ It was so clear now. _Grandma._ You pushed through the pain and opened your stinging eyelids to a room you were completely unfamiliar with; it set your heart racing. _Where am I? Come on, come on, Esther,_ _THINK!_ Looking around you tried to figure out where you were and why you were in so much pain. The ceiling was an off white colour and the wallpaper surrounding you was years out of style and age stained. Gritting your teeth, you turned your aching head to the small window, it didn’t let in much light, not that there was much light to be found as the grey clouds thrashed down thick, heavy raindrops. They clung to the windowpane and danced down it. The memories hit you like a train; you’d made it to Spinner's End, you remembered the rain pouring down on you which meant...she was just a dream. She was still gone. Now just like the windowpane, you stared at, the weight of your own heavy clouds bore dancing droplets down your face.

Swatting away the tears, you winced in pain as your left hand connected with your face. You swallowed the lump in your throat down harshly and realised how dry your mouth was and how rough your lips felt. _Water._ Sucking in a lungful of air, knowing it was going to hurt, you propped yourself up on your good arm, which made your head pound even harder, but you had started now so you weren’t going to give up. Pushing your hand and digging in your heels to the mattress you tried your hardest to thrust yourself up but apparently, you were a lot weaker than you wanted to admit. Your head protested again and as if to warn you from trying again, it shot a streak of lighting through itself, or so it felt; the intensity had you feeling like you might throw up.

“Y/N!” Severus cried from the doorway which instinctively made you whip your head in his direction _._ He swooped around the bed and was at your good side in a heartbeat, supporting your body as you cried frustratedly at the throbbing in your skull. “You shouldn’t be up,” he whispered softly, “Come on, lie back down. I’m here.” His instructions were met without disagreement as you lay your head on the pillow and closed your eyes, trying to breathe through the pain. Severus hovered over you, you could feel his presence and when you were ready you reopened your eyes to meet his exhausted, soulless ones. “Y/n,” he uttered, only this time it was quiet as if it barely made it from his throat and his jaw quivered. “Y/n,” he whispered again and brought his hand tentatively to your face, his cool palm a relief to your burning skin. Severus’ eyes became glossy and his nostrils flared before he settled his forehead against yours, without thought your right hand rested on his head. _Y/n. You were no longer Esther, you were no longer that girl with the streaked hair and different coloured eyes._

Willing your dry throat to work, you cleared it, “Se..sev.”

At his name, he pulled his head from yours, concern in every muscle of his face. “What is it? What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” He asked quickly, searching for any signs of distress.

You licked your parched lips, though it didn’t do much good, “Water,” you croaked out, he nodded his head quickly and pulled himself away from you. Taking the empty cup from the side table he filled it with fresh water, he looked down at you for a moment, then made a straw appear in the glass. Bending it towards your lips, he waited patiently for you to open them and then watched intently as you took a small amount of the liquid. It was welcomed with open arms as it glided down your throat, however, you became overconfident and took too big of a gulp. Immediately you spluttered and coughed, which sent your head into a frenzy. Severus did his best to still you, but until the urge to cough dispelled, there was not much he could do.

The water had at least helped your throat, though it was still very hoarse as you began to speak. “My head hurts, Sev.” You raised your hand and kneaded the skin that covered your forehead just for a moment of relief.

“You had quite a nasty accident,” He confirmed shakily, “I have painkillers ready though,” the mattress moved as he stood up, though you didn’t bother to follow where he was going, too focussed on the pain. You didn’t even acknowledge he’d sat back down until he pulled you back with your name on his tongue, “Come on, you need to take this now. It’ll help.” He took the hand that was rubbing your head and stopped its ministrations and stroked the back of it with his thumb as he leaned over you, vial in hand. Lifting your head slightly, he brought it to your lips and then poured a small amount in, then again once you swallowed until it was all gone. “And this one,” he said as he took the next small glass vial from the bedside, then repeated the same method. “One more,” he reassured, still stroking your hand, “This one will help you sleep.”

Stiffening, you almost yelled. “No.” It made Severus pull back slightly. “Don’t send me back to sleep. Please, Sev,” you pleaded as you squeezed his hand. It was cruel enough that you had woken to think you still had her, you weren’t ready to face that again.

“Okay,” he said calmly, “that’s okay.” He put the vial back down and then rubbed your forehead as you had been doing.

\-------------------

To say Severus was worried, would be the gravest of understatements. He watched over you with concern as he rubbed circles into your clearly aching forehead. Why had you not wanted to go back to sleep? Not that he had particularly wanted you to either but he knew it would help the painkiller work faster.

“She’s dead, Sev.” You whispered while staring blankly at the off coloured ceiling.

Thoroughly confused and concerned by your far away statement, he cautiously asked. “Who’s dead?”

“My Grandma.” You replied. “I’ll never go back to Rose cottage.”

Severus’ brow furrowed with concern, he expected some confusion but this really worried him, what if something was seriously wrong? _No, give her a bit of time. She’s fine._ He didn’t convince himself. “Darling, she’s been gone since you were 11.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah...yeah I know.” You closed your eyes and sighed. “It was just a dream.” A cruel dream.

“I’m sorry.” You didn’t answer him, trying to piece together what had happened. Severus didn’t quite know what to do; your eyes were glazed over when they were open like you were there but entirely somewhere else at the same time. He wanted to scream, wanted to hold you, wanted to kiss you, wanted to shake you for being so reckless with yourself, but he didn’t. Instead, he remained as calm as his body would allow and tried his best to take care of you; he’d never taken care of anyone before but he wasn’t going to let that impede the quality he would give you. Gently leaning forward he placed a kiss on your forehead, “What do you need?” He asked. He had to as his need to do something overwhelmed him.

Your eyes remained closed but your hand rose up to the back of his head, “Just lie with me, please?” You asked. The vulnerability in your voice almost made him crack, you were usually so headstrong, so bloody stubborn, and always cracking jokes. He just couldn’t see the you _in you_.

“Of course,” he replied, keeping his emotions in check so as to raise any alarm in you. A faint smile played on your face, which gave him the tiniest slither of relief, as he rested his head into your shoulder like he had done the previous night.

You hissed in pain as you moved to rest your cheek to the top of his head, “You can touch me,” you said, your throat drying again but you had no energy to drink anymore. Severus draped his strong, comforting arm from the bottom of your stomach up to your shoulder, avoiding your bad hand. “Talk to me. Keep me awake.” You instructed.

Severus didn’t know what to say, he had nothing on his mind that wouldn’t be too heavy for this occasion. “What do you want me to say?” He asked, feeling useless all over again.

There was a small pause in conversation as you thought and it made Severus nervous, what if she thought he was as useless as he was feeling? “Tell me about where we are.”

That was something Severus did not want to talk about but he wasn’t going to make you pick something else after he had already asked you once. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of you and anchoring himself to that feeling before he talked about a place he actually detested. “We’re in Cokeworth, if you’ve never heard of it and I doubt you have, because it’s one of the most insignificant places to exist, it’s in the Midlands. A ghost of muggle industrialisation and as you know, this street is called Spinner’s End. I was born in this house and have always lived here, when not at school that is. It’s…” he paused, how did he tell this impressive, put-together woman that he lived in a cesspit; a dreary wasteland. That this was the pathetic offering he came to the table with.

“It’s what?” You asked, stroking his hair to encourage him on.

“It’s the dead-end of life.” He said sombrely, “Nothing around here happens. Nothing lives or succeeds here.”

“That’s not true. You do.” You said nestling your head into him more, he didn’t miss the small groan that the action escalated but he was too taken aback at the feeling in his chest. How could you think so well of him?

“The only good thing I can tell you about it is that it’s quiet and no one’s ever caused trouble on my doorstep.” He began tracing small circles over your shoulders; he didn’t know what else to say about the place. Mentioning Lily wouldn’t be appropriate and you had already seen this is where they met. As emotional as he was about it earlier, he had quelled those feelings that were clearly triggered by thinking he might lose you too.

“I’d be terrified if they did.” You replied sleepily and he laughed faintly at your side.

“This was not how I wanted to introduce you to the place.” He said, then immediately regretted it. _Insensitive fool._ When you didn’t say anything, he began to panic and apologised.

“No. It’s fine,” you replied soothingly, “I’m just trying to remember what happened. It’s a bit all over the place at the moment.”

Severus wasn’t sure if they should be talking about this so soon, he didn’t want to upset you any more than you were, but maybe if he did, he could help your patchy memory. He decided it would be best to help. “What I’ve pieced together is that you apparated here..”

You interrupted, quite upset with yourself, “Yeah, but I fucked it up, didn’t I?” The disappointment in your voice was shattering to Severus. With the constant control issues and now this, it made you doubt your abilities as a witch and you hadn’t done that since you fought your Father.

Severus ignored the harshness in your voice, the one you directed at yourself, and carried on explaining, “You’ve been splinched and, well, you must have lost control as you…” The image of you lying in the rain, unmoving and bleeding haunted him, he held you tighter, it was all his body could do to take the chill off, “My neighbour found you in the rain, having hit your head...you…” He fought with the intrusive thoughts again and rested on his arm to look at you. Missing the warmth of his body on yours, you opened your eyes to see what he was doing, his dark eyes were glassy, “I thought I’d lost you. After just getting you back, I thought I had really lost you for good. At least before I could still see you.” Just the idea set about a revolting feeling inside of him, one he wanted to eradicate immediately.

You wanted to reassure him but you didn’t know how severe your injury was, from the pain you woke up in, it felt fairly bad. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m too stubborn for that.” Was all you could muster, “Now, if you don’t mind my dry lips, I would very much like a kiss from you.” _There you are,_ he thought. Severus didn't even answer, just leaned in slowly and pressed a feather-light kiss on your mouth then added slight pressure when you reciprocated. It was soft, reassuring, and ailed your still aching heart and body and it helped him rid himself of the feeling of dread in his chest.

Throughout the day, as Severus talked to you, you remembered the conversation that had made you flee Hogwarts. You remembered what Albus had told you; Severus understood you needed time to get it out in the open though. Then in the dead of night, when his emotions could be shielded by the darkness, Severus would tell you his side of the storyin more detail. How he had carried you up from the street to the bed, both soaked from the rain, how he had to obliviate Mrs. Morris, his elderly neighbour, and how he had taken care of your every need. It was overwhelming to hear, how intimately he had cared for you, but it didn’t surprise you; he had always taken care of you in his often unique way.

The next day, after a dose in the middle of the night and another, when you woke in the late morning, the painkillers had started taking effect but you had a predicament. “Sev,” you called from the bed, that so far, he had not allowed you to leave. It was hard enough to get him to let you sit up, but he gave in when you threatened to do it with or without his help. He admonished your stubbornness but was secretly glad to see the feisty you come back to life.

He didn’t hear your call and if you didn’t get to the bathroom soon, you were definitely going to wet the bed like a small child and you’d already embarrassed yourself enough. You could do it, you knew it was just across the hall. Pushing the covers off, you carefully swung your legs out of the bed and planted your feet firmly on the floor. The pain in your head had dulled down with the potions; not gone, but bearable. That had to be a good sign. Feeling dizzy, you steadied your head before standing; you’d had little sustenance in the past few days and a head injury so that was to be expected. _You’ve got this._ You walked the landing slowly, holding on to the walls for support, and wobbled into the bathroom. _Made it._ Stumbling back out of the door, after a particularly tricky trip to the toilet, Severus was waiting for you and he did not look at all impressed. _Shit._ He was giving you the look he gave to students who dared defy him.

“Why are you out of bed?” He asked sternly.

“Had to go to the toilet.” You said sheepishly as he laced his arm around your waist and signalled for you to put your arm around him, “I can do it myself,” you tried to argue but the look he gave you made you comply with the request. It would have been futile to argue with him at that point.

When he tucked you back into bed, he went back downstairs, quickly returning with your breakfast. All without saying a word. “Please don’t be mad at me, Severus. I’m not incapable, I did it didn’t I?”

He nodded his head, “You did...but at what risk? What if you had fallen? Hit your head again?” It was coming from a place of concern for you but he was useless at expressing that, he could hear the anger in his voice, anger directed at you but not actually meant for you. It was more towards himself if anything, he’d not been there when she woke confused and he wasn’t there now when she needed to go to the bathroom.

You looked down at your splinched hand, it hurt significantly less today, but it was still ugly and it was going to leave you with a nasty scar. “But I didn’t fall.” You understood he was concerned but he didn’t have to be so aggravated by it.

“That’s not the point,” he bit back, abandoning his own breakfast and standing up.

“Would you calm down, please?” You asked as you watched him start pacing the small bedroom, your head started to hurt more than it had all morning and a hot feeling washed over you, making you feel clammy.

“Of course, I’ll be perfectly calm, and let you do as you please so I can find you lifeless again, shall I?” He was losing it, _stop it, Severus, she doesn’t need this._ “I was gone for less than 2 days! 2 days and you couldn’t just…” He growled in frustration.

The lump in your throat grew, you knew it had been devastating for him to find you like he had but it wasn’t like you planned to get yourself splinched. You wanted to turn up at his door, fall into his arms and forget all about Hogwarts; now here you were, just pissing him off.

“Why are you SO reckless with yourself?” He asked, his tone considerably less antagonistic. “I’ve watched you roam the school halls late at night, regardless of what lies stalking them...but off you go, like you’re invincible.” He threw his hands in the air. “Standing at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, looking like you were about to make a run for it. Not 3 days after a major trauma and you... you’re walking around like it never happened. What are you trying to do?” _What are you trying to do to me?_ He thought.

Huffing, you couldn’t believe he was being like this, “I’m not trying to do anything...and I can protect myself, I’m not a damsel in distress, Severus. I won’t be made to feel bad for holding my own when it’s what I’ve had to do for years!” You pushed the covers off yourself again. Head throbbing terribly, it wasn’t a good idea and you knew you were being completely stubborn, but you were going to get up and show him you could take care of yourself.

“Don’t you dare!” He reproached, pointing at the covers, “I’ve had quite enough of watching the woman I love hurt herself!” Severus froze on the spot; that’s not how he wanted to tell you that. _Fuck!_

Reacting much the same, you felt stuck to the bed and it seemed that all moisture had left your mouth, “The woman, you what now?” You squeaked out incredulously, eyebrows far higher than they usually sat, not trusting what you had heard. Had he just confessed he loved you?

There was a delay in his response but it came. “Love.” He replied quietly, moving his hands from his hair to his hips. Severus was annoyed with himself, he’d let his temper get the better of him. That was supposed to be something special, wasn’t it? Telling someone you loved them, was meant to feel good. _You’re a useless imbecile._

“What woman? Me, woman?” You asked, pointing at your chest which began to hum with your now rising heartbeat. Apparently, you had forgotten how to speak in full sentences, _stop being ridiculous_. Why were you so shocked? You’d felt it. Godric, had you felt it from him.

Severus looked at you then, his dark eyes pleading with you to stop being so difficult about this. Had he been so hapless at showing you his feelings that you hadn’t realised? “Yes. You. Who else could it possibly be?”

“Come here,” you patted the bed beside you and he obliged, albeit a little reluctantly. “You know if you’d have told me all I had to do was bash my head to get you to tell me you love me, I’d have done it sooner.”

He looked at you with a hard, unamused stare, “Sometimes you make the worst jokes.”

“Oof,” you held your chest, “My heart.” He shook his head but watched as you stopped laughing at yourself. Placing your hand on his, you laced your fingers through his considerably larger ones and your face turned into pure sweetness, “My heart is yours, Severus. It couldn’t be anyone else’s.”

The sentiment made his breath hitch, his whole demeanour softening at your words; you always had a way of doing that, softening him, “I’m so sorry for losing my temper. I should be taking care of you not shouting at you. Are you okay?” He raised your knotted hands and kissed the back of yours, letting his lips languish on your skin for a moment.

“It’s okay, I understand and we both know I’d be exactly the same if the tables were turned.” It was true, if you had found him as he had found you, you’d probably not have kept yourself as composed as he had.

“And I shouldn’t...that’s not how I wanted to tell you that.” Severus pointed to where he was standing when he blurted out he loved you. “Seems I’m very good at messing these kind of things up.”

Shuffling closer, as close as you could, you whispered, “then try again.”

“I’ve spoiled it.” He replied dishearteningly; like a child who had got his schoolwork wrong. You thought about doing it for him but then you knew that would make him feel incapable. Severus wanted desperately to learn the normality of being together, of being able to express himself to you; you knew it would be a long road but you had no doubt he’d do it far more naturally one day. Waiting for that would be worth it, you were sure of it.

“There’s no right or wrong.” You reassured him as you rubbed the back of his hand with your thumb. “And if it was just a heat of the moment thing, that’s okay, too.” _Sort of._

"It wasn't!" He quickly mumbled, correcting any misconceptions you might have had, "And it wasn't because you're hurt...it was, it is true, I can't watch you put yourself in danger... but I do." It was unlike Severus to stumble over his words. He visibly swallowed; swallowed back his concern and his emotional reservations. "Look at me," he bid, his voice thick with the feelings he was battling; his voice, his words, everything that was radiating from him set your heart so wild, you thought it was probably dangerous for your already injured body. He pulled your eyes to his and placed his hand to your cheek, "You are no damsel but that will never stop me from protecting you because you have completely bewitched me and I do, I do love you.I love you, y/n."

There were no jokes now, no witty remarks, and as best as you tried not to, your blasted eyes welled-up. Having never moved quite so quickly with a person, you thought he had no right, no right to be that mesmerising but mesmerising he was. “I love you too, Severus.” The look of glee that sprung to his face was contagious as you matched it. You must have looked a right pair, sitting there, messy hair, matching shirts, and smiles. Just staring at each other.

Two blissful days were spent at Spinners End, spent in his clothes, wrapped up in his arms. The pain ebbed and flowed with the administration of the potions, when it was bad you slept in his arms, when it was bearable, you did little things to try to get your strength up. Severus gave you the “Not so grand tour,” as he had called it, you could tell he was embarrassed by the house but you couldn’t have cared less, at least he had a home, which was more than you could say.

You reluctantly allowed Severus to care for your every need, almost, you drew the line at him coming to the toilet with you, instead, he would walk you to the door and wait patiently outside. Taking advantage of being back in the muggle world, you made him buy you fish and chips from the fairly local chip shop; he tried to reason that he could whip it in a few seconds, but you wanted the authentic experience while you were back. Not pleased that he would have to leave you by yourself, he eventually gave in, and then he playfully fed you the salty chips as you lay propped in his bed. He wouldn’t let you feed yourself, not until you smacked his arm anyway, then he groaned and left you to it, while he concentrated on eating. In taking care of you, he had been neglecting himself and you didn’t like that.

When it came time to leave, you were apprehensive about apparating back but Severus was going to be with you so that calmed some of the worries, at least. Severus was worried too, though he’d never tell you that, he needed you to be as strong and confident as you could be to make it back in one piece. You really didn’t want to go back, not wanting to have to face Albus but you knew you had to, you had to follow the advice from your dream; _use your anger._ You also needed to keep an eye on Severus, after telling him, Albus’ revelations, he wanted nothing more than to throw open his office door and throttle the old man, you had managed to talk him down from that idea, but you knew the anger he felt for you was seething through his veins. He had held you tighter that night, protecting you from the demons that were waiting to haunt you.

“Ready?” Severus asked, holding you tightly in his arms. He had given you your Potions, allowed them time to start working and suggested you leave at the peak of their potency.

You weren’t ready to go back but you were ready to apparate. “Yeah, I’m ready.” Feeling the familiar pull, you catapulted through the air, the process immediately filled your head with pressure but you wouldn’t mess it up this time, you bit down and focussed as hard as you could. When your feet hit the solid ground you were thankful, but only for a split second, apparating was jolting at the best of times. This trip had left you a sweaty, nauseous mess. Quickly pushing Severus away with the little strength you had built up over the last few days, you brought up the entire contents of your stomach. One horrifically painful wretch after another. Severus had jumped to your aid, rubbing your back and whispering soothing words and when you were done, he took you in his arms and held up your body weight for you.

“You’re okay,” he uttered quietly into your ear, as you caught your breath.

“I need to lie down, Sev.” Stubborn you were, but stupid you were not, you had pushed yourself too hard to get back to Hogwarts and you were afraid you might pass out again.

The school was still quiet, students not due back until the 3rd, which gave Severus a small window of time to prepare, he should have been back days ago really, which made you feel terrible. Thankfully you didn’t bump into Albus. Severus had been adamant not to tell anyone when you’d actually arrive back, so as not to have a welcoming committee waiting, but as you had come to realise in your four months of teaching, Hogwarts was cruel sometimes.

“Happy New Year!” Lockhart cried out as he saw the pair of you walking the corridors. It made your head hurt, even more, you weren’t sure if it was actual pain or just the effect Lockhart had on you. Either way, you didn’t like it and neither did Severus. “And where have you two been?” He questioned.

“None of your business, Gilderoy,” Severus spat back, he was in no mood for the idiot, he needed to get you back to his quarters and into bed. You were just about managing to walk, any dithering with Lockhart and you might not make it, he worried, especially as you wouldn’t let him help you now. You’d already pulled his hand from your waist as you neared the school, which was sensible, he knew that, but it hurt no less.

“Sev..” You groaned, the pulsating behind your eyes becoming almost too much to take as you leaned against the wall.

“Sev, eh? My, you two have gotten close haven’t you?” The blonde acknowledged, “Nice to have friends!” New year, new me, he was not. Oblivious, as ever. “Bet you’re glad you didn’t drop her from Potions now, don’t you, _Sev_?” He winked.

Severus’ pent up anger broke loose as he almost lunged himself into Lockhart’s chest, “Watch your mouth, you eavesdropping little…”

“Severus.” He whipped his head around and you looked at him dead in his dark eyes, confused and hurt; you may have been in pain but you had heard what Lockhart said. “Is that true?”


	31. Two weeks: Part one

Severus instinctively took you to his quarters; after messing about in the corridor with Lockhart, your energy levels were too depleted to even argue about where you were going to sleep or to discuss what Lockhart had let slip, though Severus did try as he finally closed the door to his quarters.

“Not now, Severus, I need to lie down. My head isn’t going to take anything in.” You said groggily.

He nodded his head lethargically at you. In all honesty, he’d completely forgotten about that conversation with Albus; it was impetuous and as soon as he had said it, he had regretted it. Coming back to bite him like this certainly never crossed his mind. “Okay, I’ll notify Madam Pomfrey that you are back. She will want to check you over.” Severus hesitated for a moment, “I...I should probably inform Albus, too.” He said tentatively, knowing the older wizard was probably the last person you wanted to see.

Slumping forwards to the bedroom, you had already begun relieving yourself of your clothes with shaky hands. Severus wanted to help, but he didn’t know if you’d like that; if you’d even want him to touch you at the moment. “Whatever you need to do,” you muttered, exhaustion in every word. You turned, his eyes already fixated on you, but looking dejected, “Are you coming?” You asked.

His thick brow furrowed in confusion as you leant yourself up the door frame, for support, you sighed, recognising his hesitation, “It’s a problem but I’m not pushing you away. We’ll make it right when my head doesn’t feel like it may implode. Notify the Queen, if you must, then get in this bed with me.”

Your words alleviated some of the worries in Severus, and he smiled faintly as you disappeared from his view, into his bedroom. He quickly sent word to Madam Pomfrey and reluctantly, Albus.

It hadn’t taken him long, but by the time he’d done so and then followed your trail of clothes, retrieving them as he went along, you were fast asleep. Folding them neatly and leaving them on his drawers, he undressed and joined you as you had requested. He didn’t feel tired, but once he was pressed against your warm back, drawn in by your familiar scent and the telling rhythm of your sleep, he joined you in escaping reality for a while longer.

A few hours later, he was awoken to you talking feverishly in your sleep, something he had never heard you do before. As he lay there, he listened, but couldn’t make out what you were saying; he could at least tell it was distressing you though. Leaning on his arm, he stroked your slightly sweat-dampened hair from your face and quietly purred your name; he didn’t want to risk frightening you any more than you already seemed to be. He knew how it felt to wake frantically from nightmares, he wanted to at least be able to ease the transition for you.

Surprisingly, he managed to pull you out of your sleep easily. You pushed your face into the pillow, a horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach; you had dreamt of the Pensieve.

You turned to face him and opened your eyes. Severus stiffened, noticing one of them was different, it had changed; you blinked hard, to wake yourself more, and just like that, they were back to their normal colour. He stared intently into them, trying to decipher if he had made it up, he kissed your forehead and breathed out heavily through his nose. _It’s been a stressful few days. You were just seeing things._

“How’s your head?” He whispered into your brow as he placed another soft kiss there.

“Better than it was earlier.” You said in between clearing your throat, “Lockhart…” He lifted his head up and pulled your eyes to his.

“Another stupid mistake.” He said regretfully.

“Can you explain?” You were trying to be as patient as you could, you wanted to hear what he had to say before you wasted your energy on getting emotional.

“I seemed to have an…” he paused, something he often did when he was about to admit something he felt was embarrassing, “attraction toward you, far too quickly and it vexed me greatly.” You chuckled. _Of course he was annoyed by a crush. -_ “...and then I saw Lockhart outside your room after you’d been to Diagon Alley.”

“Oh. It was back then?” Severus nodded his response, “Well, that’s a relief, I suppose.” You said as you stroked the back of his head.

“I was in Albus’ office and I blurted out this ridiculous notion that I couldn’t have you in my classes. Once I calmed down, I realised it was something I could never go through with. I had no idea that Lockhart was still listening.” His voice changed into disdain at the mention of Lockhart.

“Don’t kill him.” You sighed, as you kneaded your fingers into his scalp, he’d spent days looking after you and he felt tense. His head dropped slightly, his black hair tickling your chin, and a satisfying groan leaving his throat.

“Is that it?” He asked cautiously. Surprised that it was that simple to solve.

“Is there any more to it?” He shook his head softly again.“Then that’s it." He raised his head and met your lazy gaze, you could be ridiculously reasonable at times; he was quite in awe of it. _How many mistakes will she put up with?_ He pressed the intrusive thought from his head and captured your lips in his, pulling back before it had really started. He’d been doing that the whole time at Spinner’s End, which you could understand, though it made it no less frustrating; he wasn’t going to break you with a kiss.

“Let’s get these checks over with then,” you moaned; the quicker they were done, the quicker you could get back to normal.

How naive you were.

Madam Pomfrey was thorough in examining you. She checked off a mental list of symptoms which you answered as honestly as you could. You hated it, it reminded you of being at St Mungo’s and you tried not to look back on those moments too often.

Severus sat at his desk, pretending to work, but intently listening to the conversation taking place. It gave you and Madam Pomfrey space in his living area; she said nothing about you being in his quarters, in fact, she seemed quite relieved you weren’t alone. As the check-up carried on, he could hear how uncomfortable it made you, how you tried to downplay the after-effects, but Madam Pomfrey was having none of it.

“Two weeks?!” You exclaimed, which made Madam Pomfrey’s eyes widen, even Severus lifted his head from the book he wasn’t reading.

“ _At least_.” She repeated. “You’re going to continue to be very lethargic; teaching and performing magic will deplete you quickly. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take a break. Now let’s see your hand.” She gestured and then turned it carefully in her soft dainty ones once you had given it to her. “Make a fist,” you obliged, it hurt but nothing like your leg had during your rehabilitation, - “and release.” She paused and let go of your hand. “That’s fine, though there is little I can do about the scarring,” she said regretfully.

“I figured as much.” You looked down at your left hand, nasty blotches of red and pink markings, like you’d been attacked by a wild animal, ran along from your wrist and wrapped around down to your palm. That would have been a better story, a wild animal; far less embarrassing than a teacher not being able to apparate successfully.

“Come by the infirmary in a week for another check-up. She turned to the patiently waiting man at his desk, “Severus, I take it you’ll be staying with, y/n?” You knew he had to tell her when she came to see you the first time, at Spinner’s End. She was a smart woman, there weren’t many other reasons for you to turn up at his house in the holidays.

“I will.” He replied.

“Good. Lots of rest, lots of water and keep up with the painkillers.”

Severus nodded his head in agreement and stood from his desk and escorted her out. He watched you slump back on the sofa, eyes closed and brow creased. “What am I going to do for 2 weeks?” You moaned.

Severus laughed silently to himself. “You’re going to do as Madam Pomfrey said, and rest.”

Rubbing at your slightly aching forehead, you thought about the implications of being away, “I can’t leave Lockhart in charge of Defence against the dark arts, Severus. Those poor kids are already missing out on so much.”

He shook his head in disapproval, “You’re not to worry about any of that. Just recuperate then you can be back, giving Lockhart what for.”

You sighed. What a great start to 1993!

Madam Pomfrey was right, of course, you were still hugely fatigued throughout the week. So much so, you didn’t even bother trying to perform magic; either leaving it to Severus or doing it the muggle way. You felt fragile and as a result of that, your mood took a significant dip, and wallowing away in bed all day, by yourself, only pushed it down further. As you lay in bed one morning before Severus had to go to the classes you were meant to be teaching, you realised something.

“I’m not seeing anything anymore,” you worried as you lay in his arms playing with his fingers.

Severus knew what you were talking about immediately. He had tried himself, over and over as you lay in his bed at Spinner’s End; he hoped once you woke, it would start happening again, but it hadn’t. “I know, but your energy is being used elsewhere. It’ll pass.” He tried to sound reassuring but he couldn’t be sure of his words. There was no textbook on what was happening that he could reference; it was guesswork and Severus hated guesswork.

The conversation led you both to the same silent conclusion. If he couldn’t see anything either, when you were weakened, it wasn’t him at all. It was you. You’d been pulling memories from Severus and planting your own in him. In your mind, Severus would be happier with it this way, with it gone; it meant fewer complications.

Happy or not, Severus, was as caring and attentive as he could be and often in a very practical way. Making sure to have your meals brought to his quarters, if he couldn’t do it himself, a house-elf would. He kept a check on the number of painkilling potions you were taking, so you didn’t have too little or too much and he had never run quite as many baths. The procedural duties helped him worry slightly less, but it really was only slightly. By the time he retired to his quarters every evening, he would either find you asleep or staring off into space as you lay in his bed. The meal plates from the day often only half-eaten, if that. Reluctantly, he’d tell you about the day, both his and general school happenings, which seemed to perk you up and give him the opportunity to encourage you to finish your dinner.

On Friday, you were summoned to the infirmary for your check-up. You’d spent hours in there the past few months but now that you were the patient, you didn’t feel quite so comfortable there. Hermione was still in, her feline features still very evident; you caught a glimpse of her through the curtain, as she furiously scrawled on a piece of parchment. You could relate to the workaholic in her.

“Another week's rest, for definite.” Was Madame Pomfrey’s advice, Severus saw the disappointment in your face as you agreed with her. She patted your shoulder gently and then continued on with her other duties.

“Come on, back to bed with you,” Severus said.

“I’ve never been less excited at the offer of you taking me to bed.” You raised your eyebrow and smirked.

He rolled his eyes at you, “Enough of that.” There it was again. The dismissal of anything remotely intimate. You dropped your gaze from him, feeling that little bit more dejected. He stroked your arm, “Come on.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” You asked, still looking at your feet.

Severus sighed heavily and fidgetted, which was not something he did often, “I’m very uncomfortable with this.”

“All the more reason to do it. I’ll wait here.” You said, bringing your eyes back to his, “It won’t hurt you.”

“It might,” he muttered under his breath and turned slowly on his heels, making his way towards Hermione’s bay. Severus cleared his throat, “Miss Granger, may I?” He asked, not as menacing as his normal teacher’s tone, but intimidating nonetheless.

“Yes, Professor,” she stuttered back.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, you could tell his jaw was tense from the way the words formed.

“Be..better, Professor.” Hermione sounded shocked, you looked up to the ceiling and laughed silently to yourself. You could feel the awkwardness seeping from her bay.

“I wanted to...apologise.” There was a pause, you rolled your eyes, _Come on, get on with it. -_ “It was unnecessary for me to make comment regarding your appearance and I realise it may have caused you some embarrassment.” You’d chastised him as soon as you’d heard his slur about her teeth, something you knew she was self-conscious about anyway; he’d looked embarrassed when you brought it up and promised he would apologise. You weren’t about to let him forget that promise.

Hermione didn’t respond immediately, you imagined her to be looking dumbfounded at the strange turn of events. “Thank you, Professor.” Another silence. “Did I hear, Professor l/n’s voice, sir?” She asked. The infirmary really should work on noise protection, seems there was zero privacy to be had.

You walked slowly to her bay and pulled back the curtain, “Good morning, Hermione.”

The young’s face lit up, “Good morning, Professor!” And her tone was significantly more excited over you than Severus. He stepped back and then retreated altogether; he’d had quite enough of that.

“Keeping yourself busy, I see,” You remarked, gesturing at her work.

“Don’t want to fall behind, Miss.” A slight worry in her voice.

You had no fear of that happening, she was already leaps ahead of her peers. “I highly doubt that would happen Hermione but I admire your ethic. Make sure you rest though.”

“Are you okay, Miss? Harry and Ron said they’d not seen you since Christmas.” Her eyes drifted to the scarring on your hand and you instinctively hid it to behind your back. How were you going to explain this to the pupils? To the rest of the staff?

“I’m okay. Just a small accident,” Severus was listening outside and he raised his eyebrows, _Small accident?_ “I’ll be back teaching soon and hopefully you’ll be back in my lessons.” She smiled at you, “Don’t work too hard, okay, you’re meant to be resting,” you reminded her again and then pulled back the curtain; you didn’t expect Severus to be waiting right outside the bay, but he was. “See you soon, Hermione.”

“Bye Professor L/N...Professor Snape.” He nodded his head in response and then followed you out.

Hermione watched as her two professors left together, she’d already suspected they may be more than friends; they often sat together at mealtimes or could be found walking the halls together. Now, this? It was too much of a coincidence. When she told Ron and Harry about it later that day, they both grimaced. “So it’s true? EW. What the bloody hell does she see in him?” Ron had exclaimed, far too loudly and she quickly shushed him. They were even more surprised when they found out that Snape had apologised to her.

Guilt washed over you as you woke on Saturday morning. It was Severus’ birthday and due to you being incapacitated, you’d not bought him a gift and there was no way he was going to be okay with going out. You snook out of the bed to let him sleep, it had been a long week and he needed rest just as much as you.

You looked at yourself in the mirror above Severus’ sink; considering the amount of sleep you were getting, the dark circles under your eyes were worse than ever. Admittedly, the sleep wasn’t always peaceful, you had realised the dreams you had about your Grandmother weren’t dreams, they were memories. Ones that you had elaborated on but at the core, they happened. You remember distinctly telling your Grandmother, when you were a child, you didn’t want to go to Hogwarts but being told you had to. Other memories had been creeping back in, often taking you a while to decipher which parts were real and which parts dream you had added. It was exhausting. As you looked closer, at the slight thinning of your face, the washed-out look of your skin, you realised you had seen yourself like this before. Back when you stopped taking care of yourself. It had taken a long time to claw your way out of that dark place and it scared you tremendously that you could end up in it again.

It was all that was on your mind when two strong arms wrapped around you as you brushed your teeth. Then Severus’ hair tickled your neck as he nuzzled his face in it. You swilled your mouth, “What are you doing up? I was trying to leave you to sleep.” His shoulder shrugged, but you knew why he was up; every time you left the bed he would wake.

Looking down into the sink, you inhaled deeply, then put on a smile and turned in his arms. “Happy Birthday!” You exclaimed and he groaned in response. “Oh stop, you’re not that old.” You kissed his cheek and wiggled out of his grip, “I’m getting back into bed, it’s freezing.” He watched as you walked back to the bedroom, his hand stalling at the toothpaste as he swept the length of your body with his covetous eyes. Then he snatched them away, _how can you be looking at her like that when she’s like this?_ Squeezing them closed, he brushed his teeth a little more ferociously than he normally would.

As Severus walked back into the bedroom, you patted the bed, “Getting in, birthday boy?” The flirtation in your tone evident.

He hesitated, “I was going to get us some breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry,” your stomach disagreed with you but you had plenty of time to eat later, it was still early and you weren’t sure how long your energy would last out. You patted the bed again and this time he gave in.

He got back under the covers and faced you, head resting on his arm. Stroking his pale chest, you had to confess, “I know you won’t care but I haven’t been able to get you anything for your birthday yet and...I obviously haven’t been able to plan anything but maybe we could have dinner tonight and I’ll try my best not to fall to sleep right after.”

Severus kissed your forehead and then rested his against it, his fresh, minty breath mingling with your own, “I don’t need anything else.” You knew he was talking about the gift but your heart tugged at the thought that he could have been talking about that moment. Or you. “Dinner, I would like, however..” he said, drawing out the last syllable, “No cake, no candles, no singing happy birthday.”

“So, just a normal dinner?” You asked as you rolled your eyes.

He replied bluntly, “Yes.”

You’d started playing with the back of his hair as you were speaking, scratching your nails along his scalp as he liked, “You’re tense.”

“Habitually.” He shot back, dryly.

“I could help,” you said, as you moved your hand under the covers and over his boxer shorts. Pleasantly smug when you were met with an immediate reaction. Pressing your lips to Severus’ he moaned softly into your mouth as you delved under the waistband, but his hand jerked out and covered your wrist, stilling it.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” His voice was quiet and concerned.

You drew his hesitant lips back to yours and flicked your tongue against his top lip, “You won't,” you reassured. He responded with a whisper of his own tongue on yours and your lips began moving together but his hand still gripped your wrist. 

“We shouldn’t” He whispered between deepening kisses.

“You won’t hurt me.” You repeated and inched closer to him but he removed your hand entirely and pulled back from the kiss. Your heart sank.

He kissed your forehead then rolled over and sat up on the side of the bed; you could tell by the veins that popped out from the top of his hands and the way he gripped the mattress that he was frustrated. Rolling over onto your back, you stared at the ceiling, trying to rid yourself of your own irrational upset. The mattress moved and you heard Severus shuffle around the room. “I’m going to get your potions and something for you to eat.” You turned to him trying and failing, to hide his erection under his dressing gown as he left the bedroom.

Severus slumped back in shortly, with breakfast for one and two vials. He lay them on the bedside table, without making eye contact, “I’ve got some work to do. You rest.” _I guess we’re not talking about what just happened then._ You were so tired of resting. On paper, a week with Severus, looked great, but in theory, it was driving you mad. The same 4 walls. The over-protectiveness. You refused to be a delicate fucking rose.

You realised you needed to get out for a bit before you blew up at him, it wouldn’t be fair; it was his birthday and they were your frustrations. You ate half a piece of toast and the apple that was on your plate, downed the two vials, then dampened the taste with coffee. Getting up, you threw on whatever clothes you could find and ran your fingers through your hair, not that it made much difference. _Cavewoman it is._

Creeping out of the bedroom, you stopped just past the doorway and watched Severus as he fervently scratched his quill along an assignment. His hair fell across his face and his shoulders slouched; you wished he’d just stayed asleep. “Hi,” you said shyly. _Hi? What is wrong with you?_

Severus raised his head lazily and looked over his shoulder, his sombre eyes widening as he saw you fully dressed. Which, on any normal day wouldn’t be too shocking but for the last week, you’d wandered around his quarters in mainly his shirts and your underwear. He turned his chair towards you but didn’t say anything. The atmosphere felt horribly tense, which just made you want to leave even more. Maybe spending so much time together wasn’t a great idea after all. It was too early to practically be living together.

“I’m going to head back to my room for a bit.”

“Why?” He asked, the word almost getting stuck in his throat.

You looked down at your bare feet, you didn’t want to tell him that his room had suddenly become quite stifling, “I need to sort some clothes out for here and try to arrange dinner for tonight.” They weren’t complete untruths, you reasoned.

Severus leant forward in his chair slightly, “I can do that.”

“I want to do it. If I’m honest, I...I need a change of scenery.” You admitted hesitantly; you didn’t want to seem ungrateful, you were anything but that. In fact, you couldn’t believe he was so tolerant of your lazing around his quarters all week, making a mess and nuisance for him.

“I see,” he said quietly and sat up from his chair, he could argue it with you, but he knew he wouldn’t win. Severus wrapped his arms tightly around you and pressed his face into the side of your head, “Please be careful.” The sound of his voice made your heart ache.

\------------

Stepping out from a long, hot shower, you carefully wrapped your hair in a towel and took your moisturiser out of the bathroom cabinet above your sink. When you closed it, you stalled. “What the fuck?” You whispered as you looked closer. Your eye. “Has your spell finally started wearing off, old man?” You muttered out loud as you took in the sight of your now mismatched eyes. You squeezed the cream into your hands and massaged into it your skin; you were a little rough with the application as your worry took over. How would you explain it? When you opened your eyes again, they were back to y/e/c. “Make up your mind,” you tutted. Albus hadn’t made an appearance yet; both of you seemed to be quite content in avoiding each but this might break the impasse.

You busied yourself while you felt good, organising some clothes that would be comfortable to mope around Severus’ quarters’ in next week. Well, if that’s where you’d end up now. Organising dinner wasn’t too difficult, thanks to Minsy, the house-elf; you’d made quite an attachment to her throughout the week. You’d surmised that she was selected to bring your food because her disposition was more friendly than that of some of the others from the kitchen. Permission had been granted for you to call upon her while you were on sick leave, so you didn’t have to go wandering the castle.

Sitting down on your sofa, you looked at the one job you had left, the one you were dreading. Taking down the Christmas tree. _Just get it over with._

After retrieving the box from your bedroom, you began taking down the baubles that Severus had fastidiously helped display. At that moment, your heart reminded you what a lousy morning it had been and you felt like you had to swallow it back down. When they were all away, you looked up at the star with apprehension, “Okay,” you whispered, “If any more freaky shit is going to happen, nows the time.” But, of course, nothing did and you found yourself quite disappointed. You lay the star lazily on top of the box and moved it into your bedroom, ready to organise at another time.

This would be a good point to stop you thought as you looked at your bed. Your body was starting to feel weary.

A knock resounded on your door, it wasn’t Severus, you knew that much. He had a distinct pattern that he never deviated from. Opening the door, your stomach suddenly felt heavy; it was Albus, a meek smile on his face, his hands crossed in front of him and Minerva, looking unusually awkward. Before you could stop yourself, the sarcasm escaped your mouth, “I thought you’d forgotten about me down here in the dungeons.”

Albus didn’t react but Minerva’s aged eyes fell, “May we come in?” Asked Albus.

You stepped aside and gestured for them to enter and you watched as Albus looked around the room subtly. Minerva’s voice pulled you away from him though, “How are you feeling, dear?” She asked, guilt helping form her words.

“I’m assuming you know, Minerva.” Her eyes flicked to Albus, “Always knew, I imagine.” You said as you crossed your arms defensively.

“Minerva knew what was needed to know, y/n,” Albus responded. You didn’t take your eyes off the woman who helped get you through your teenage years; it was too difficult to be upset with her. Undoubtedly, she was just doing as she was told.

You sighed and dropped your arms, “Minerva…” you conceded to at least easing her worries, “I’m okay. I’ve been very well taken care of.”

Her wrinkled cheeks creased more as she smiled, “I know.” You furrowed your brow and she gave you a look that told you she’d tell you more another time, then looked at Albus.

You passed some more strained niceties between yourselves, Albus remained very quiet throughout, only brushing on the practicalities. Making it clear that if you or Madam Pomfrey didn’t feel you were ready to come back to work, it would be covered. They made their way to leave and your curiosity got the better of you, “Albus, I need to talk to you.”

He stopped and told Minerva to carry on. She hugged you, a little tighter than you’d expected, and left. You closed the door and turned back to Albus, “I think the cloaking spell might be fading. Earlier, my eye reverted back. Just out of the blue, but changed back within minutes.”

Contemplation took over the old wizard’s face. “Just once?” He asked.

“So far and just the one eye.”

“Interesting.” He mused. _Is it?!_ “The only reason it would fail is if it’s being countered.” He didn’t elaborate further on his point though, “Have you noticed anything else?”

You decided not to tell him about Severus. There was nothing to be done about it anyway, and as far you were concerned, it was none of his business. The Headmaster was going to have to do a lot to regain your trust.

“No.” Your answer led into an awkward silence before Albus excused himself. Is this how things were going to be now? You sighed and shuffled back into your bedroom and buried yourself under the duvet. Severus’ body next to yours was missed immediately.

By the time you woke up, the sun was going down on another cold January day. Getting yourself out of the tangled mess that was your duvet was unpleasant, you were so warm; a little too warm, actually. You were going to need to shower again.

Doing so quickly, you then picked out something nice to wear for the evening. After looking like a slob all week it would be nice to make some semblance of an effort. You padded around your quarters in a pair of fluffy socks while you tidied the living area, you lit a huge fire, and piled cushions and blankets on the rug in front of it. Your room lacked a table, so the next best place for a romantic meal would have to be there.

When the room was set up, you made your bed and then finished getting yourself ready. Adding a light layer of makeup to your face made you less peaky looking, though you still weren’t thrilled with your appearance.

Pouring yourself a glass of water, you sat down and on your sofa with a book; no mixing alcohol with the potions you were taking. The single bottle of wine you had in your room would exclusively be for Severus tonight. You read your book until Severus’ usual knock pulled you from it.

Biting your lip you made your way to the door, then smirked and flicked off all the lit candles in your room. Opening the door, Severus stood a little awkwardly in the hallway before coming in. “Why’s it so dark?” He asked as he looked around.

You sniggered to yourself, “You said no candles.”

The fire lit his face enough for you to see the unimpressed look he was giving you, “You know exactly what I meant,” he lifted his wand and lit the candles.

“Oh come on, it was a little funny,” you replied and walked into his space. He lifted up his hand, two vials sitting snugly between his fingers. “I think I should start weaning off these,” you took the vials and knocked them back quickly.

“We’ll see what Madam Pomfrey says next Friday.” He took the vials from your hand and they were gone in the blink of an eye. Severus’ gaze traversed the dress you were wearing, specifically interested in the very delicate spaghetti straps that showcased the soft skin of your chest. “You look lovely.” He complimented, took your hand, and kissed it. It made your heart flutter as he smiled against the back of it. “I trust you haven’t over-exerted yourself today?” He asked as he pulled you to his chest.

“I did a few things but then I took a nap.” You lay your head on his chest and the awkwardness of the day dissipated with it. “Dinner will be here soon. Can I get you some wine?”

“I’ll get it. You sit.” He rubbed your back, moved out of your arms, and over to the small cupboard you kept your drinks in. Joining you on the very padded out area in front of the fire, he had the cork out with the flick of his wand. You watched the way his body worked, so fluid and graceful. “None for you, I’m afraid,” he stated as the claret liquid filled the wine glass on the table.

You rolled your eyes, “Yes, Doctor, I know.”

“That’s enough of your cheek.” He said it in jest, but the dark tones of his voice made it far too seductive to you. _Have some self-control, woman._ Watching him drink some of the wine didn’t help you control yourself though. The way his thick fingers held the glass, how his lips formed around it, and the way his muscles in his neck moved made you a little heady for the same attention.

When he rested it back down on the table, you couldn’t help but eye the small amount of red still staining just above his lip. You leant on your knees and crawled the few paces to him, resting your arms on either side of his thighs; you didn’t miss how his eyes dipped from yours to your cleavage.

“Y/n” He warned, as much as he was enjoying the view, his feelings hadn’t changed from earlier.

“Severus…,” sometimes the way you said his name like that made him lose all clarity; the amount of the times he had thought about bending you over his desk was far more than he liked to admit. “You missed a bit,” you whispered as you ran your tongue against the curve of his top lip then took both greedily between your own touch starved ones. He took a sharp breath through his nose as he moved his lips in time with you. “Mmm, I picked a good one there,” you pulled away, savouring the taste of the wine and the man in front of you.

You sat yourself down in his lap, your dress hitching up your thighs, and began to unbutton his jacket, but again he stopped your work. “Y/n,” he warned for a second time. With your free hand, your index finger silenced his soft, kiss warmed lips and you shushed him; his eyes widened in response. “Don’t ruin another moment, or you may end up in the record book for dying on the same day you were born. I’m simply taking off your jacket so you can relax.” Taking away your finger, there was no further protest from Severus, he just watched as you slowly undid each button of his jacket. It hadn’t gone unnoticed by the dark-haired man that you thoroughly enjoyed undressing him; never using magic, always your hands. Once you’d finished down the front, you took his hand and released his wrists from the constraints of the buttons there too, then ran your hands up his chest and under the jacket to push it off his shoulders. Once it was off, you brought your eyes back to his, satisfied with yourself, and Severus couldn’t believe how captivating it was to simply watch you remove his jacket. “There,” you said running your hand up and down his white shirt, “that’s better.”

He leaned forward and hovered his lips painstakingly close to yours; dark eyes commanded yours to stay locked with them and the growing arousal in his trousers, which was now pressing into your underwear, had you almost bucking like an animal.

“Minsy sees Miss L/N is feeling better,” The house-elf interrupted and you yelped at the sudden intrusion. So lost in each other, neither you nor Severus had heard her appear in your living room. “Minsy would prefer not to see.” She helpfully remarked, making the mortification that much worse; you practically jumped out of Severus’ lap. He quickly covered his very obvious hard-on with a cushion and looked anywhere but at the house-elf.

“So sorry, Minsy. Tha...thank you so much for dinner. Wait there, please.” You had learned that Minsy had quite a penchant for chocolate; you took a chocolate frog from the stash in your desk and handed it to her and she thanked you for it.

“Minsy, this...you won’t tell anyone about Professor Snape and I, will you?” You asked hopeful that she would be discrete.

“Minsy say nothin’, Miss. Minsy can be trusted.” She replied, pride in her own words.

“Thank you.” And with that, she disappeared from your view.

You rested your hands on your hips, dropped your head, and laughed. Severus rose from his seat on the floor and picked up the tray, taking it back to your makeshift eating area.

“Come on, darling, don’t worry about that now.”

Severus had missed you through the day, you could tell by the way he stayed connected to you throughout dinner. Whether that was his leg pressing up against yours or his hand on you, it didn’t matter, as long as he could feel you. You told him about the visit from Albus and Minerva, who had actually knocked on his quarters first, it turned out.

“I wanted to follow them, make sure they didn’t fluster you too much but I know you wanted your space.” He said, eyes looking at his plate.

“I’m sorry. Everything just got a bit much earlier.”

“Don’t apologise.” He knew you were struggling and he knew he had a shortfall in helping with that. For years he had buried his own emotions and ignored his own traumas; he was in no way qualified to help with yours, even if he desperately wanted to.

He cleared the plates then sat back down beside you. You both began to slump further down until you were lying comfortably amongst the blankets and cushions. Severus pulled you to his chest and began running his fingers through your hair; you hummed with gratitude and nestled into him as close as you could. Eyes drifting closed and muscles relaxing, you tried to keep yourself awake, “Severus, I said I wouldn’t fall to sleep, remember?”

He simply shushed you and carried on playing with your hair.

“Happy birthday, my love,” you murmured, and then your eyes closed without a fight. Severus smiled and pressed his lips into your hair.

You woke the next morning, in his bed, Severus watching you. “It’s rude to stare,” you said sleepily and stretched out your legs.

“It’s rude to be so beautiful.” He replied confidently.

It was too early for compliments, you weren’t ready for that sort of thing yet. “Oh shush,” you uttered and then buried your face into his chest to hide your embarrassment. His chest vibrated underneath your head as he laughed quietly.

“I have a surprise for you,” he said excitedly as he rubbed his large hands up and down your back. You raised your head in intrigue. “You’re going to need to get dressed,” you grimaced immediately and he gave you a look that told you to stop, - “and then we need to be at your quarters at ten.”

Biting your lip, you felt a thrill rush through you, and for the first time that week, you actually wanted to get out of bed.

“But come here first,” he purred darkly, softly claiming your lips for his own.

Severus walked you to your room, a bit apprehensive at what he had set up; he hoped you wouldn’t think it was intrusive but he couldn’t sit by and idly watch you be miserable. Stopping outside the door, Severus spoke, “I know you’ve been struggling and I hope I haven't overstepped the mark here, but I wanted to help.” He looked around the corridor and quickly pecked your lips then gestured for you to open the door.

When you did, it felt like your jaw might drop, “Stephanie!!” You squealed. She stood up from your sofa and you stopped in your tracks, looking at her rounded stomach, “You’re pregnant.”

Severus’ eyes widened; she hadn’t told him that yesterday when he tracked her down.


	32. Two Weeks: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a LONG chapter. 9k plus words. Sorry!
> 
> Warnings - detailed discussions on child loss/mental health.

“You’re pregnant,” you stated, your feet seemingly glued to the floor. Stephanie instinctively stroked her stomach and smiled awkwardly. She was pregnant, and quite far gone by the size of her bump, and she hadn’t told you. _You were the first person I told_. Severus’s hand on the small of your back spurred you to finally move further into the room and over to your best friend.

She held out her arms as you walked to her. Stephanie had a unique need for touch; not just for herself but it’s how she best-comforted others, too. When you left school it was no surprise she became a healer. You’d often fall to sleep in each other’s beds at school, which set off numerous rumours about the two of you; all untrue, of course. Stephanie was the closest person you had to a sister; you could never be anything more than platonic.

Embracing her, you felt the unexpected bump press into your stomach; it created an empty feeling in the pit of it that made your heart twinge. She smelt like lavender with a hint of wound cleaning potion. “What are you doing here?” You whispered as you made an extra effort not to get choked up.

“Well let’s just say I had quite the shock when an owl from Professor Snape came to me yesterday,” she whispered back in her soothing Yorkshire accent. She stroked your back with calming hands and her curly black hair tickling your face.

Severus watched on, hands wrapped tightly together in front of him, eyes not knowing where to look; he felt slightly awkward being present at such an emotional reunion. When Stephanie wrote back to confirm she’d come to see you, she made no mention of her being pregnant, which now made him anxious. The shock in your voice told him that the revelation knocked you back and he worried this might withdraw you more. As useless as he was with emotional issues, he could understand how this might be difficult; even if you had never confided much in him about the loss of your daughter. _What if I’ve just made everything worse?_ He asked himself.

“Y/n,” Severus pulled your attention from Stephanie, “I’ve got to work.” He said, wanting to give you some privacy. He was hoping that you could talk to Stephanie about things you might not want to tell him and in turn, Stephanie could advise you better than he could.

You frowned at him, “You worked all yesterday.”

“Not all day,” Stephanie chimed in behind you, she smiled her wide, straight toothed grin at you, “He had to find me, remember?”

Severus agreed, then walked over to the pair. It was an odd situation; he knew Stephanie, had taught her, but he felt he should at least make some kind of formal re-introduction. Holding out his hand, Stephanie took it, “Stephanie,” he said politely in way of greeting her and then let go, fixing his arms by his sides again.

“Profes…” You shot a look at Stephanie, “Severus?” She questioned sheepishly.

Laughing at them, you decided to help out with their introductions. “Godric, you two are so awkward. Stephanie, Severus...Severus, Stephanie,” you said looking between the two of them. You could understand why it was awkward, he was once her Professor too and one she had got into trouble with, on a fair few occasions. She only knew the Severus you both knew as students.

“Enjoy your day,” Severus said, lightly touching your arm. “Stephanie, thank you.” He directed at her; something unspoken passed between them as Severus’ dark eyes met the green hue of hers and it made you wonder why he had sent for her. Not that you weren’t grateful, you hadn’t seen her in so long, and despite the shock, you were glad she was there.

Walking Severus out, with the shock beginning to disperse, your heart swelled for the man by your side, knowing it wouldn’t have been easy to pull this off at such short notice. As you tiptoed to kiss him you could see the slight panic on his face; you planted a kiss on his cheek to save embarrassing him too much and sent him on his way. You closed the door and turned slowly to see Stephanie’s eyebrows raised and her arms crossed.

“Don’t even bother,” you said, knowing she was about to comment on the kiss. You matched her stance, “When were you going to tell me?” You asked feeling petty; she didn’t have to tell you anything but the silence hurt. She’d obviously been avoiding writing back for weeks because of this.

The sly look she had been giving you fell and she sat back down on the sofa and looked at the fireplace. “I wanted to. I’ve been wanting to, for weeks, but I was worried about upsetting you.” You knew that would be the answer but it still irritated you.

“I’m not that fragile.” You replied, hearing a tinge of bitterness in your own voice. People who treated the situation over sensitively or looked at you pitifully always seemed to make it worse. They didn’t mean to, it’s just how you responded to that type of reaction. Deep down you knew you hadn’t dealt with her death in a healthy manner and that’s why it was more difficult.

“No, I know you’re not,” she turned back to you, “but when I found out I was pregnant, you were planning to come back to teach here and you were happy. Or as happy as I had heard in years. I didn’t want to distract you from that.”

“I was getting worried about you. We were writing regularly again and then you just stopped, and you didn’t write back to arrange our meeting. You know I overthink when I worry.” You admitted, dropping your arms from their defensive position.

She nodded her head, “I know, I’m sorry.”

Pushing yourself off the door, a small sigh working its way out of your mouth, you went and sat with her, hugging her again. “Congratulations.” Even if you were hurting over it, you were still over the moon for her.

“Thank you.” She uttered in your ear then pulled away.

“Lepus driving you crazy?” You asked as you tried to not stare down at her rounded stomach. Her husband was a sweet man, soft-spoken, and a self-proclaimed worrier; you just knew he’d be hounding her to eat on time, work less and get enough sleep.

She rolled her eyes, “Urgh, so crazy. He’s trying to do everything. I just about persuaded him that I’d be fine to apparate here today.”

Nausea hit you like a brick, your eyes widened and you began stumbling over your words, “You ap..apparated here. Y….you shouldn’t be doing that. The baby, Steph.” You grabbed her hand and the panic in you rose. What was she thinking? She could have been hurt, the baby could have been hurt.

She looked at you, confusion creasing her brow, “You know it’s okay to, y/n. Pregnant women apparate all the time, though it did bring back the feeling of morning sickness for a few minutes.” It’s true, they did, and when you were pregnant you apparated on numerous occasions, but the thought of it going wrong made you want to reject what little breakfast you had managed that morning. She touched your scarred hand, she’d already taken note of it, “Are you scared now? Because of this?” She asked as she gently ran her fingers over the faded marks, Severus had made you some scar treatment, which had taken some of the angry redness from them. “These don’t mean anything, y/n.” You shook your head, the feeling of shame flooding you all over again, “Don’t you shake your head at me,” she said sterner, “What’s going on?”

That question was all that was needed for the flood gates to open, you sobbed in her arms until your head began to ache. She settled you in the corner of the sofa and retrieved a glass to fill then made you drink it. “I thought you were happy here?” She asked as she took the empty glass from your hand. “Is it Severus?”

You sniffed harshly and swiped at the stray tears that were still forcing their way out, “I was. Am, am. I think.” _Fuck. That wasn’t convincing at all._ “It’s not Severus, he’s turned out to be one of the best things here.”

She stared at you, brow furrowed, lips pursed. With your chin in her hand, she moved your face from side to side. You knew what she was doing, she was examining you, she’d already done so with your hand; the healer in her couldn’t help it. “You look worn out. Not just physically...what’s going on in here? She asked as she gently stroked her finger on the side of your head.

You pulled away from her, “I’m fine.” She was never going to believe that, she never had in the past but it was your go-to. _I’m fine. It’ll be fine. I can handle it by myself._ Being fine was a necessity. It always had been.

“Don’t try to pull that shit with me,” she said, which you knew was coming, “Severus is crazy worried about you. He told me about the accident. He said you’re not eating. You should talk to him more, he really cares, y/n” Your heart caught in your throat, he didn’t need any more worries on his plate; if you wanted to stick this out with him, you needed to be stronger. She took your hand again, “This was a freak mishap.”

“I don’t need a healer, Steph!” You said pulling away again, “and this,” you gestured to your hand, “this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

“I’m not here as a healer, I’m here as your friend.” She reassured you as she rubbed your forearm in a rhythmic motion that began to calm the anger inside of you.

It took some more coaxing but you finally began opening up to her. For the next couple of hours, you detailed the events that had led to her coming to see you. Stephanie, ever the empath, sailed through the emotions with you. She angered, she cried and the questions poured from her mouth faster than you could process at times. Some you could answer, others you could not; even when you wanted to. By the end of it, you weren’t sure if you felt better for it or not. There was a part of you that knew talking about it was healthy but there was the other part, the part that often won over, that told you to bury it down and carry on because what could you do now, anyway? However, you felt very much like the universe was telling you that was no longer an option. In fact, it seemed to be stacking up the problems at an alarming rate since you came back to Hogwarts. She examined your eye, though there was nothing she could do, it was a powerful cloaking spell, one even you didn’t know how to reverse. The look of worry didn’t leave her face the whole time and it made you feel a burden, you didn’t want her worrying over you.

“If I hadn’t taken an oath, I’d be stupefying some arses.” She said as she came back from her second trip to the bathroom. The baby was apparently playing havoc with her bladder. You laughed, slightly nervously, because even though she had taken oaths, you wouldn’t put it past her. She was staunchly loyal and a little rough around the edges. You both were. That’s why you had got on so well, so quickly at school.

Like you, though not as Severe, Stephanie had her own parental issues. She was born to two muggle parents, neither were particularly thrilled when their only daughter turned out to be a witch. So much so, that her mother was pregnant by the end of her first year and then thoroughly wrapped up in her son for the rest of her school career. Her brother, Thomas, never joined Hogwarts as he possessed no magical abilities; Stephanie’s parents were delighted. As a result of being pushed to the sidelines, Stephanie fully embraced her witch life, and never really looked back on her muggle one.

Your eyes wandered to her bump as she ranted about the damage that could have been caused by so much memory altering. She quickly noticed where you were looking and stopped the healer speak; she silently asked for your hand and you hesitantly gave it to her. Stephanie planted it next to her protruding belly button where a series of uncoordinated flutters tickled your palm. “Wow,” you managed to croak out, your throat suddenly feeling swollen and dry.

“Yeah. She’s strong and I’ve riled her up.” Stephanie beamed proudly, “She’s definitely going to kick some arses when she grows up.”

 _A girl._ Your heart pulled. “She? You’re having a girl? When are you due?” You’d got so wrapped up in yourself that you’d neglected to ask about her and the baby so far.

“Mid April.” She replied.

“Hey! All the best people are born in April,” you joked and took your hand away, not trusting yourself to hold it together for much longer. Sitting back in the chair, you took her in, glad for the reprieve of talking about the shit-show happening in your life. “You look really good. That whole pregnancy glow is working for you.” She did, her skin was clear and had a healthy shine to it, her curly hair looked thick and glossy as the ringlets draped over her shoulders. She’d only put on a small amount of extra weight, which made her look far healthier than she did as a teen. It suited her.

“Thank you. I didn’t for a while, the morning sickness was hell.” You smiled meekly, remembering the feeling. You’d take the sickness twice over, you thought. There was a slight pause, you could see something playing on her mind. She stuttered, “We want you to be the baby’s Godmother.” _You’ve_ _definitely lost your mind, Stephanie. Me?_ Was your first thought. Fear overtook any joy or gratitude you felt for the request. You didn’t answer her, how could you be that child’s protector when you couldn’t protect your own? She must have sensed your hesitation, - “You don’t have to give us an answer now and there’s no pressure but I trust you more than anyone with her,” she reassured as if she could now see into your thoughts. You didn’t know what to do, what to say; you completed clammed up.

“You know I could still try, the offer has always been there.” She added when you still didn’t answer.

Snapping out of your daze, you met her eyes, “Don’t, Steph.”

“I’m just saying,” Your gaze betrayed you and drifted to her bump again. “Have you ever told Severus about her?” She asked.

“He knows what happened.” You replied bluntly.

“That’s not what I asked.” She pushed. If nothing else, Steph was persistent when she felt it was needed. “Have you told him about her, about how it made you feel? About how you feel now?”

“What good would that do, Steph? It’s _not_ an option for me anymore. I don’t like thinking about it.” You tried to wave her off as you shuffled uncomfortably on the sofa, your head starting to hurt.

“That’s not..”

You interrupted her, “Steph, I mean it.” It was a warning this time, and she clasped her lips together as you began to pick at the skin around your thumb.

She conceded, “Okay, sorry,” and then stopped your hand from destroying your skin, “Come on, let’s go lie down. You look tired and I’m not going to lie, your bed looks really comfortable and I’m knackered.” She pulled your hand, which told you that she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Sighing you rose from the chair with her and rolled your eyes at how well she could defuse the tension between the two of you; it didn’t surprise you though, she’d been doing it for 13 years. You followed behind, quietly thankful for the idea, you hadn’t noticed the emotional fatigue seep in until you stood up.

“Not there.” You said as she went to take Severus’ side of the bed, “Not unless you want to sleep where Severus sleeps.”

“Yeah, no thanks,” she replied and walked around the bed, “By the way, I am going to grill you on him, too. Seems we have a LOT of catching up to do.”

You chuckled, “I’d expect nothing less. Just let me sleep first. As everyone keeps reminding me, I am still recovering; I’m going to milk that for a few hours while I avoid the awkward questions you are itching to ask.”

She smirked at you, the exact same one from school when there was either a boy or girl involved. “I expect details,” she yawned.

“Yeah, yeah. Shhh, now.” You said as you lay your head on the cushy pillow.

She bedded down into the blankets and shuffled until she was comfortable, “He really loves you, you know?”

With your eyes already closed, you smiled, and a warmth crossed your cheeks. You didn’t reply and Stephanie was soon softly snoring beside you. Knowing it was safe, you rested your eyes over her stomach until you felt them become heavy with sleep.

Stephanie’s face was leering over you when you woke up, the unexpectedness jolted you and your heart responded with heavy beats. “What the bloody hell are you doing?” You moaned and pushed her face away.

“Since when do you talk in your sleep?” She asked, her emerald eyes scanning your face.

“How would I know, I’m asleep, remember?” You replied as you rubbed your dry eyes awake. “What was I saying?” You asked, trying to cover the anxiety in the question. If you’d dreamt of the Pensieve again, she might tell Severus and you didn’t need him watching you like a hawk. If you wanted to look, you were going to look.

She tapped your nose annoyingly and you swatted her away. “I don’t know, you sounded drunk.” _Thank Merlin._

You snorted, “Godric, I wish.” Stretching out your legs and arms, your back made a satisfying popping sound.

“Same.” Stephanie sighed and cuddled into your side.

It was slightly odd, being touched so intimately by anyone other than Severus, but it was familiar enough that it didn’t phase you. “It was Severus’ birthday yesterday; he wouldn’t allow me a sip of the nice bottle of red I had because of the cocktail of potions I’m taking.”

“Good, you know the side effects.” She paused, a mischievous grin lighting up her face, “Speaking of, I believe you said you were going to tell me all about teacher-gate.”

You rolled your eyes at her but you couldn’t deny that this felt good. Like simpler times. Holed up in the Ravenclaw dorms just talking about anything and everything. And you’d talk about anything if it meant not going back to the earlier conversation. “Firstly, I did not say I was going to tell you all of it, and secondly, don’t call it that. It makes it sounds like a scandal.”

She squinted and brought her thumb to her index finger, “A little,” she said, gesturing to her fingers, “Little scandalous. And honestly, majorly shocking. It’s Snape! Professor Snape. I think today is the first time I’ve seen him smile and you kissed him!” She squealed and pushed her face into the pillow.

“You are such a child.” You tutted and pushed the navy duvet off you; Stephanie’s furnace-like body next to yours overheating you.

“Oh Godric, get off my bladder, child!” Stephanie suddenly groaned at her stomach. She got out of the bed and stretched, her purple jumper lifting slightly over the bump. “I’m really hungry as well. Hint, hint.”

Sighing, you shooed her away, walked into the living room, and sent for Minsy. You looked over to the fire, where you had eaten, talked, and eventually fallen to sleep with Severus. You had no recollection of getting to his bed and he must have tidied up for you as the all blankets and pillows were back in their usual spots. Probably in preparation for today; ever the planner he was.

Minsy popped up in the living then, a tray ready with lunch on. “What’s this Minsy?” You asked, not expecting her to actually arrive with the lunch already made.

“Lunch. Professor Snape told Minsy to bring it at 2. It is 2, Miss.” She looked up and smiled at you and you returned it.

“Thank you, Minsy.” You went to turn to get her some chocolate as you often did, but she stopped you.

“Miss is welcome. Professor Snape has already provided Minsy with a chocolate frog.” She raised the tray and you took it from her frail-looking hands, “See you tomorrow, Miss.”

“Bye Minsy. Thank you again.” You weren’t keen on the use of house-elves, though they were safer here at Hogwarts than in the Pureblood families that often owned them. Severus had at least taken a leaf from your book; you smiled at the thought of him handing her a chocolate frog, probably all stiff and awkward.

“Is that lunch already? I was hoping we could go back to bed.” Stephanie asked as she left your bedroom; you turned your attention to her, seeing her struggling to do up the button on her trousers.

You laughed, “Yes it is. Good thing Minsy already left, think she’d have a heart attack if she saw you leaving my bedroom like that.”

“What do you mean?” She asked, sighing as she finally felt comfortable in her clothes.

“Minsy is the house-elf assigned to help me while I’m on sick leave. She may have caught me straddling Severus last night, then you’re coming out of the bedroom doing your trousers back up and asking if we were going back to bed. Looks suspicious, don’t you think?” You asked, red-cheeked.

“Ew. Poor Minsy,” she scoffed as she took the tray from your hands and placed it on the rug in front of the fire. She began picking at the chicken on the plate before you’d even sat down.

“Shut up. As if that’s all you took from that. We weren’t doing anything particularly inappropriate but it was embarrassing all the same.” You admitted.

“Mhmm,” Stephanie murmured unconvinced as she sipped at the cup of pumpkin juice and eyed you, “So, did you always like him? She asked licking her top lip.

You shook your head in response, “Only when I came back did I see him for more...and that would have been incredibly weird. He also made it abundantly clear that he had no interest in me when I was at school before you ask.”

She laughed, “Are you in my head?”

You grimaced dramatically, “Not sure I’d cope in there.”

She swatted your arm, laughing, “It wouldn’t have been that weird,” she shrugged and popped a cherry tomato into her mouth, chewing it before she continued, “You were too busy chasing skirt back at school anyway. I won’t lie and say I didn’t sometimes enjoy our detentions together. I wouldn’t have kicked him out of bed.” She said without shame and you couldn’t help but snort into your own cup of juice.

"You’re unbelievable.”

That was the type of relationship you had with Stephanie; a lot of joking and teasing but under the surface, you possessed the deepest care for each other. She asked you questions as she ate, you tried, but the food didn’t seem overly appetising. You answered as best you could, having to be careful at times not to reveal things you couldn’t. It bothered you, having to slightly bend the truth to her, and you were worried she’d be able to tell. If she did, she didn’t pull you up on it. If she found out about Severus’ links to the Dark Lord or that you were now privy to secrets that needed to be protected, she’d be pulling you home with her and you couldn’t have that.

“You love him too, don’t you? I can hear it every time you say his name.” She pointed out. “It’s...it’s good to hear. With everything that has been happening, I’m glad you have someone there for you, someone making you happy. You, of all people, don’t deserve to be on your own.”

Thinking about him made you grin, “I do...love him that is.” You put down your spoon, giving up on the dessert you couldn’t finish either. She noticed and went to speak but you cut her off, “Please don’t get on at me about it, Steph, I’m trying. I really am.” She’d seen you do this in the hospital, during your rehabilitation, and shehad made it a point to make sure you were eating to keep up with the grueling routine of strengthening your leg. Severus had been looking at you like that all week, every time you pushed a plate of food away, he’d frown and look between you and the food. Once you were back into a routine, and out of your own head all day, you’d be fine. At least that’s what you told yourself.

She nodded her head and left it at that. “You don’t have to pretend like everything is okay, you know that, don’t you? You’re allowed to be scared and vulnerable. I would be; if Albus had laid all that on me.” You nodded your head lethargically but didn’t answer.

You managed to pull her attention off you again and get her talking about work and the baby until Severus’ familiar knock wrapped at the door. Stephanie looked at her watch, “5 pm, that’s my cue to go.” She said sadly and grabbed you. “I love you, you big nerd. I love you for you, this person and so does Professor Broody, don’t forget that.”

You chuckled back the tears, you didn’t want her to leave, “I love you, too. Even if you are still a complete arse to me.”

She pulled back, “You’d be worried if I was too nice to you.” She kissed your cheek and picked up her shoes and coat.

You walked her to do the door, behind it, Severus patiently waited to escort her back to Albus’ office. She hugged you again and said her goodbyes and let Severus lead the way, you watched them disappear down the hallway; Severus listening as Stephanie chewed his ear off. You worried about what she was relaying to him.

When you closed the door, you headed for your bedroom and ventured into something you hadn’t for a long time. Pulling a small chest out from underneath your bed, you blew away the fine layer of dust that had gathered on it. It had sat under there since you arrived at Hogwarts, not unthought of, but untouched. Then you sat there, resting against your bed with your hand draped over the chest, finding yourself, as you so often did; sobbing and unable to open it.

In a trance-like state, you didn’t realise Severus had come back from escorting Stephanie to Dumbledore until he sat down next to you. His larger, warmer arm pressed against yours; it physically roused you from your daze but not quite mentally. The chest that your hand rested upon was new to him, though it looked old; an anxious curiosity rose up Severus as his eyes took the situation in. Something felt off but he didn’t know what to say, it was clear you had been crying. All he could think was that he had brought your mood down more than it already was.

When he saw your head move towards him, he reacted instantly but slowly, he didn’t want to be a startling presence to you. Your voice immediately cracked, “Can I show you this?” You asked as your fingertips slowly kneaded into the aging brown leather of the chest.

Severus nodded his head in response and spoke as softly as he knew how. “Of course.” He didn’t ask you what it was, instead let you lead what was happening.

“It’ll open in a second,” you assured as you sat up straighter, closed your eyes, and evened out your breathing. A deep breath in through your nose and then out through your mouth, after 3 cycles through that, you reopened your eyes and set your gaze back on the chest. Watching the process, Severus felt confused but intrigued. You looked to him then, “It’s charmed so that I have to be calm to open it. In a rage, I once nearly destroyed something from it. It’s all now protected, if I begin to lose control then it shuts itself away.”

“That’s very clever,” Severus mused as he looked on in adoration. You didn’t often brag about your powers, sometimes even downplaying them but he knew you really were quite spectacular.

The catch on the chest sprung open and then the lid lifted slowly, Severus was both eager and apprehensive to see what lay waiting. He didn’t push forward or rush you, just sat with you and waited patiently. He was the very stillness you needed in your life.

When you picked it up, you inhaled sharply, no matter how many times you opened it, it was always going to be a labour on your heart. Severus realised what it was as his eyes delved in further and he tensed up.

“Severus,” you looked at him, eyes on the brink of tears, “These are the few things that I have left of my daughter.” You situated the box over one leg, the other half over Severus’. He hesitated to rest his hand on the side of it; you were grateful he was being so delicate about it all so far. “You can touch it. It’s almost indestructible.”

“It, it feels very personal,” he countered, still unsure. You took his wrist and then gently placed his palm down on the box. He glanced inside it again, “You don’t talk about her very much.”

Fingers tracing the outline of the chest, but never dipping in, you looked into the familiar box of small trinkets you had. A deep breath left your chest, trying to come up with the right words. Some people may see you as callous but you mourned in your own way, as you had with everyone you lost. “She’s the most difficult person to talk about. Not my Mother, not my Grandmother or David or George...it’s always her. I never got to have her, Severus. I felt her in my stomach but I never got to hold her or kiss her or dress her. Not any of the stuff I was meant to do.”

Severus’ heart clenched; the sorrow in your voice was almost too much for him to bear. With all the care you had in your heart, Severus knew you’d have been a wonderful Mother and it angered him that you would never have the opportunity. Maneuvering carefully, he put his arm around your shoulders and pulled you closer to him, your head instinctively rested into his chest.

The feeling of Severus’ heart beating near your ear helped keep you calm as you reached into the chest. Pulling out a small envelope, you opened it with a refined delicacy and took out the two small ultrasound pictures. “This was her at 12 weeks and 4 days.” You directed at the picture, “They make you drink so much water before they do it and then shove a machine into your stomach. It’s cruel.” You chuckled while Severus listened on, you swapped the photos in your hand, “And this one, she was 20 weeks and 2 days. That’s when we found out she was a girl. I was terrified.” You stroked your index finger over the photo, your heart racing in your chest while you tried to remain as calm as you could.

“Why terrified? Severus asked as he rubbed your arm soothingly. He knew he had to help keep your emotions at bay and he knew you always responded to physical comfort the most. Placing a kiss on the top of your head, he let his lips linger there until you answered him.

Severus’ comforting touch pulled you out of your head enough to continue talking, “I didn’t plan for a baby. I wasn’t sure if I could do it, if I could actually raise a child. My own childhood was rough and as much as I knew it wouldn’t happen, I was terrified of her being raised like I was. it was completely irrational.”

He pressed kisses softly into the side of your head as you spoke, then mumbled against your skin, “It’s completely understandable, Y/n.”

“There’s another photo in here, but I’m not sure if you’ll want to see it.” You said; a sick feeling in your stomach.

“I want to see,” he reassured immediately, “But only if you want to show it to me.”

Less careful than you were with the ultrasound photos, you took out the last one. You almost didn’t recognise the woman in the photo but there you stood, in a light summer dress that the roundness of your stomach could be seen through, barefoot, under a fully bloomed tree in Richmond Park. It was a ridiculously hot day and you had hidden under that tree for most of it, whilst you picnicked with some of David’s work colleagues.

Severus was near speechless as he took the photo from your hand, he’d never particularly paid any attention to pregnant women, he’d had no reason to. Except for Lily. Though he had found it more sickening to see her pregnant, knowing she was carrying James’ baby. This was different, “You look beautiful,” he said, “Natural. I think you would have been an excellent Mother.”

You were stroking the fabric of a baby vest in your hand as you listened, Severus’ words had tipped your ready tears over the brink. “Two become three,” you quoted from the vest, 3 owls congregated close together, depicting a new family. You couldn’t help but scoff, “Then I became one.”

Severus’ hand clasped over yours, “Do you need to stop?”

You probably should, you thought, but you shook your head in denial anyway. “Within a month of that picture being taken, she was gone.”

“I’m sorry,” He whispered as he brought your hand to his lips. He kissed it over and over then pulled you even closer to him.

“I let her down, Sev. I let the memory of her fade into nothingness because I was too scared to deal with the pain and this,” you gestured to the chest frustratedly, “This pathetic shrine that I keep hidden under my bed is all that’s left.”

“You didn’t let her down at all. What happened was not your fault, you had no control over it.” He pulled your gaze to him, “Do you understand that?” The tears were streaming down your face faster and thicker now, your cheeks reddened and you obsessively bit at the skin on your bottom lip. He brushed them as quickly as they came.

“I’d forgotten how empty the feeling was, without her, until today when I felt Steph’s bump on my stomach,” you said between deep sobbing breaths.

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea. She didn’t tell me.” Severus apologised, though you didn’t feel he needed to, it wasn’t his fault, he wasn’t to know.

“I know she didn’t. She purposefully didn’t so you wouldn’t change your mind. I don’t blame you.” You wiped your eyes, “I’m really grateful that you thought to do that. It was very sweet, thank you.” You kissed him gently, your lips tasted salty on his but he didn’t care. Then you looked back to the chest; at the small mitts that would have stopped her scratching what would have been her delicate skin. The pastel pink hat and booties that David’s Mother had knitted. The guilt of taking her away from all of them began to eat at you, as it did every time. “David never outwardly blamed me, never voiced it,” you spoke, not looking at Severus, “but, my head was such a blur after it happened, that I couldn’t stop myself. I used Leglimency on him, and my fears were answered. There was a part of him that blamed me, that blamed the magic inside of me, for the first time he resented what I was.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” he repeated as he kissed your head more.

The last thing you wanted to show him was at the bottom of the chest; afterward, you knew you’d have to close it before it locked you out. You picked through it carefully, knowing precisely where everything was because everything had its specified place.

Severus watched as you picked out a thick piece of card, two tiny footprints printed into it. He immediately felt sick. They were so small, just half the size of his finger. How delicate and fragile, he thought.

“I never saw her. I wasn’t conscious when they delivered her,” you had to stop and breathe; Severus held you tighter, noticing your struggle.

“You don’t have to continue,” he soothed as he pressed another kiss into the side of your forehead.

Breathing deeply again, taking in Severus’ earthy, leather scent, you shook your head softly and braced yourself to continue. “They made the prints of her feet but the hospital staff at St Mungo's...they couldn’t heal her as they could me. She was already dead. It was advised that I didn’t see her, for my own mental state and I was so exhausted and empty that I agreed. I just balled up and cried for days. Being a muggle, David wasn’t allowed into the hospital…I should have died with her.”

Severus stiffened up, he knew the feeling but hearing it come out of your mouth made his whole body feel cold, “Don’t say that,” he said fervently, “Don’t you ever say that. Neither of you should have. What...what did he do? To cause that sort of damage?” He asked and then kicked himself for the crass question.

“I fought him well, I didn’t want to kill him though, not at that point, so I was being careful. I just wanted to stun him or hurt him enough to get him back to Azkaban where he belonged but he had other intentions,” you clicked your tongue and your hands nervously tapped where they rested on the side of the chest, in reality, you never wanted to utter the words again. “Sectumsempra.”

Severus felt like his chest was full of stones, the weight crushing his lungs so he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t want to believe it, not that, anything but that, he thought.

“I should have killed the bastard when I had the chance,” you spat, but Severus barely heard the words. Your voice sounding like it was underwater as guilt riddled his mind.

The photos began to levitate and slipped back into the envelope, you scrambled for them even though you knew it was no use. “Wait, no, I’m not, I’m not out of control,” you cried as the chest closed and locked you out. On your knees in front of it now, you crashed your hand down on it. “That’s not how this is supposed to work!” You vented.

Without a word, Severus jumped up and rushed to your bathroom. He locked the door behind him and then braced himself over the sink, trying desperately to calm the panic in his chest. He had created Sectumsempra, in this very school. He threw cold water over his face to try and snap himself out of whatever episode his body was going through, but it didn’t stop the ache in his chest or the shake in his hands. _If she finds out, she’ll hate you._

“Severus,” your voice sounded worried from the other side of the door. “Severus, are you okay? I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have shown you all that stuff. I’m sorry.”

He looked at himself in the mirror and could only feel disgusted at the reflection that looked back at him.

“Severus...”

The door opened and he grabbed you harshly, pushing you against his chest and wrapping his arms tightly around you. “Don’t, don’t say you’re sorry, it’s not your fault. I Promise.” He said as he kissed your head. “You didn’t and she didn’t deserve any of that. _I_ am so sorry, my darling,” his voice cracked as he apologised.

“It’s not your fault, my love,” you replied sweetly which made him feel even more despicable. You didn’t push him on why he had left for the bathroom, surmising it was due to seeing the footprints. They were utterly jarring; they broke your heart every time you saw them, but you thought that was due to them being your daughter’s. The fact that the chest closed over his emotions told you it had struck him so much harder than you could have imagined.

After dinner, which neither of you stomached much of you, you moved back to Severus’ quarters. He had made some space for your things, saying he’d rather them be away than sitting messily on a chair all week again but you knew that was to put you off his embarrassment. You soothed his worries, telling him you were happy to have a store of things in his room and he was welcome to do the same.

In the dark of his bedroom, you reassured him that he made the right decision over Steph; he had continued to be withdrawn throughout the night and he wouldn’t allow you to comfort him. Taking your hand away from scratching his scalp and holding it over his chest before you fell into a light sleep.

Severus remained much the same for the next few days. Distant and distracted. He would leave early, still tired from his nightmare fuelled sleep and return home late, armfuls of work so he could avoid anything that wasn’t giving you your potions or dinner. He knew it was wrong but every time he looked at you he saw you hurt; it made his body turn cold and the urge to tell you about Sectumsempra would rage inside of him because he now felt like all your pain was his doing. He barely looked at you and touching was all but gone, except a few obligatory kisses or if you woke in the night, he would be holding you.

By Thursday Severus’ mood had pushed your decline even further. Like he had all week, he left without waking you. When you woke and found him gone again, you were disappointed but not at all surprised. You were more concerned with what you were still keeping from him. For the second day in a row your eye had flickered; yesterday only briefly but that morning it had taken 45 minutes to return back to its familiar colour. You panicked for a good while, even contemplated visiting Albus, but quickly changed your mind on that idea. Instead, you trawled Severus’ books and found what you could on cloaking spells; you also found yourself drawn to the books he owned on the Dark Arts.

He was in a particularly sour mood when he came home after 9 pm. He had been brewing, you could tell by the way his hair limply fell at the sides of his face. Placing your potions on the table in front of the armchair, he kissed your head briefly and took himself off for a shower but not before dropping a huge pile of parchments on his desk. More marking. _How much work have you been setting?_

When Severus returned from showering, you were sat at his desk, your head resting in one hand as you marked with the other. Like he needed to feel any more guilt; now you were marking his work for him, too. He walked across the room and placed a hand on your shoulder then kneaded his thumb into it. Your head fell forward and you hummed, “That’s nice.” A small smile worked along his face, he loved that his touch could alleviate some of the stress. He knew he’d been neglectful all week but every time he looked at you, he saw your more fragile state, which filled him with guilt. If he hadn’t gone home, you wouldn’t have been hurt and if he hadn’t have created Sectumsempra, your daughter might still be alive.

"You shouldn’t be doing my work for me, y/n.” He said as he continued massaging your extremely tense shoulders.

“Technically I’m not. This is my class, which by the way, you’re pushing too hard.” You replied, then turned in his chair. Severus was in his pyjamas already, his hair damp and his skin more pink than usual. He’d been taking longer showers all week. _He’s avoiding you._

“They’re fine,” he retorted. You pulled his hand to you and started playing with his knuckles. “Minerva said she saw you today.” You closed your eyes, and sat back, not letting go of Severus’ slightly pruned fingers; he really had been in the shower a long time.

Minerva had come to see you at lunchtime, to keep you company, but the tiptoeing around you only made you feel more anxious. Uncharacteristically, you snapped at her and told her to stop making it more awkward than it needed to be. You apologised; she hugged you and told you not to worry about it but you were worried, how could you not be? Anger and irrational behaviour only ever ended in you or someone else getting hurt. You didn’t want to hurt anyone.

“I didn’t mean to be snap at her,” you sighed, “I just lost my temper. I hate feeling like this, Severus; weak and useless and people walking on eggshells around me just pisses me off. It all reminds me too much of what happened before...when I’m weak I lose things.” You rubbed at his knuckles rougher by accident and he put his other hand over yours to still it, “I’m weak again and I feel like I’m losing you. You’re avoiding me. Last night, when I got undressed you turned away, Severus. What is it? Am I repulsive to you now?” You quickly pulled off your long-sleeved jumper and stood up, dropping it beside you on the floor. The cold air hit your skin, but you didn’t pay much attention to how it lay goosebumps along it. You wanted him to look at you like he used to look at you.

Severus stepped back, surprised but he stared past you to the fire, his hands clenched at his sides, “You’re not repulsive, I don’t know how you can even think that.”

You shrugged and scoffed; you wanted to hold your arms over your bare chest but you stopped yourself; this was you. “Maybe because even now you won’t look at me.”

Severus realised the toll that his selfishness had taken on you. He pulled himself back to you then and brushed your chin with his index finger, so you would raise your now fallen head. “You are not losing me.” He said with a soft but firm tone. Far from it, he thought, he was trying his best to hold on; he knew if he told you about Sectumsempra, you’d never look at him the same. In his last selfish act, he pushed it to the far corners of his mind and decided it was best left there.

“I love you, y/n. It torments me to watch you not eat or sleep; you’ve got 4 or 5 books scattered around, none that you can keep your attention on.” He paused and looked at your semi-naked form, he had been guarding his eyes all week, too guilt-ridden to look, “And I want you, I do, but…” he swallowed, trying to find the right words, “I can’t get the image of you hurt out of mind, of your body cold and broken” His other hand moved over your stomach, the faint familiar tingle shivered over you as he rested his hand there. “Your body has been through so much trauma and it’s my fault.”

You put your hand over his, “It has but it’s survived. It’s not your fault, Severus, you can’t blame yourself for my actions.” You raised his hand to your cheek, “Don’t see me as the broken woman, see me as I stand here, a little beat up still, a little scarred….scared” Your voice cracked the word, but you squeezed his hand and he stroked his thumb along your cheek, “but stubborn as ever. I know I’ve been shutting you out and I don’t want to do that.” A step closed the gap and your bare chest rubbed against his dressing gown, it was soft and warm, which reminded your body that you were standing half-naked in a cold dungeon.

Severus saw the chill that ran through your body and wrapped his arms around you to warm you. You tiptoed and pushed your face into his neck and started kissing the freshly washed skin beneath your lips; he tensed but sighed as you continued your slow devotion. “Madam Pomfrey is going to give me the okay to go back tomorrow,” you whispered into his ear, licking his lobe with the tip of your tongue, “You won’t hurt me…and if you do, it’s only the good kind.”

He groaned in response and then pushed you back onto his desk, sucking at any part of your neck he could get his mouth on. Pulling back, he rested his hand at the back of your neck, his dilated pupils searching for any sign of hesitance in yours, when he found none, he slowly kissed you, your breath hitching at the same time, as you melted into each other’s touch. His hands were on your cool skin in seconds, he couldn’t help but notice the thinning of your waist and the way your bones were now more prominent. They faltered but you felt what he was doing and pulled him into you closer, your legs opening so he could fit perfectly between them.

Biting his bottom lip, you slipped your hands down from his head to his trousers, but he grabbed your wrists to stop you. “Not here,” he mumbled into your mouth and pulled you into his arms, your legs clamped around his waist as he walked you into his bedroom. Pushing his hair back, you kissed him deeply as you neared his bed. He lowered you gently onto his soft black sheets, then stood back up, “Stay,” he warned you as he began to undress. The command in his voice riled you but you did as you were told; leaning on your elbows you watched as he shed his robe and pyjama shirt. His arousal forcing the thin material of the bottoms to stretch; he told you to stay not that you couldn’t move, you told yourself, as you lifted your foot and began rubbing it along the struggling material. His eyes darkened and as he threw his top down on the floor, he grabbed your ankle then lifted it until your foot rested against his now bare chest. He ran his other hand down your inner thigh and he looked devilishly delighted when you shuddered. “You’re so beautiful,” he breathed out as his eyes grazed against the plains of your body, “and so defiant,” he added darkly as he bit down on your ankle. You gritted your teeth but the moan still escaped and he chuckled against your skin, before kissing the slight red mark he had left.

Leaning down, he hooked his fingers into the front of your trousers and pulled them down over your legs, and then discarded them with his own clothes. Your breathing was shallow as you watched him, desperate to be touched properly; foreplay was fun but sometimes it was torture.

“And the underwear, Severus, I’m not in the mood for teasing.” You told him and he did as you asked; he removed your underwear much the same as he did your trousers. As he did so, a smirk plastered his face; when you were excited, you were impatient and he reveled in how he could break your composure. He slid the rest of his clothes off and carefully set himself down on top of your body; anxious that his weight might hurt you. Severus stayed like that for a moment, enjoying the feel of your body against his and stilling the worry inside of him, until you leaned up and captured his lips. The worry dissolved into the softness of your mouth and the sound of your sweet pleasure as you moaned against him.

Edging your hips upwards to meet Severus’, he breathed heavily into your mouth, then pulled back slightly to align himself with your entrance. His gentleness made your heart lurch but your body was screaming for the attention it so desperately wanted; you quelled your body's demands and let him treat you delicately. If it’s what he needed to feel safe in this moment, then that’s how it would be.

He teased inside gently, then pulled out, your nails dug into his shoulder with frustration but you bit your tongue. Teasing over your clit with the head of his erection, hitting nerves that were already overstimulated and ready to falter, you closed your eyes, pushed yourself into him further, and allowed the small whimpers to leave your body; knowing it drove him mad to hear them.

“Y/n,” he moaned and then pushed inside of you, harsher than you were expecting but not at all unpleasant. Quite the opposite.

“Fuck,” you gasped and he thrust again as he reclaimed your lips. His tongue seeking yours immediately, groaning when you reciprocated as fervently. Pulling your legs up around his waist, you both moaned at the change in angle and the depth that he was hitting with each thrust.

Severus was losing himself far too quickly; he clenched his jaw to bite back some of the lost control and your hips rocked upwards to his. “There, just there,” you directed wantonly into his ear and he thought his body would give in at the mere sound of your aroused state.

With each meeting of your hips, Severus was hitting the spot that made your toes curl and your eyes clench shut. The way you moved your hips made his pubic bone hit your clit and you knew you wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer even though you didn’t want to stop. You’d missed the physical connection that sex brought you. But your orgasm hit you faster than you expected; you clamped your legs around him tightly and dug your fingertips into his clenched back.

As you spasmed and tightened around Severus, head pushed back and adoration of his name on your lips, he let himself go and buried himself as deep as he could inside you. Your moans grew louder as he pushed into senses you didn’t know existed and he gripped the sheets next to your head, to stop himself from grasping your body too harshly. Rocking his hips slowly as he came down from his heady fever, he listened to the sweet little moans that you were bestowing upon him. Testing the waters, he pushed fully inside of you again and watched as your brow scrunched tightly and your mouth fell open a touch. Parting your lips further with the pad of his thumb drew your eyes open and to his, they were blown and possessive as he rocked into you again; you couldn’t stop your eyes from shutting as you moaned. “Open,” he commanded as he pressed his thumb against your tongue. You did as you were bid. “Shall I continue?” He asked as he thrust harder. “No, no. I said eyes open,” he admonished as he pushed you closer to another orgasm. “Answer my question or I stop.” He said firmly and you scrambled to talk.

“Don’t...don’t stop. I’m so close,” you almost whined as you pushed your fingers into the back of his head and flicked your tongue at his top lip. He rewarded you with a roll of hips, followed by another and another until he was panting fiercely against your lips. Making sure you kept your eyes locked with his, he felt the telltale tightening of your walls; his heart pounded as he watched your throat quiver with sounds of ecstasy and your eyes glaze over. You tensed and shivered against his body, whimpering “Severus,” as you came again. He kissed you, lapped up your moans, and praised you. Which, up until that moment, you didn’t realise you had a penchant for; but the way your stomach clenched when he called you a good girl, told you differently.

Pulling out slowly, you mewled, embarrassingly, at the loss of contact. The labours of his work dripped down your inner thigh and you squirmed at the feeling. He laughed and picked up his wand from the floor and cleaned up the mess you had both created.

Shakily, you pushed up onto your pillow and Severus lay against your chest, head thoroughly pressed into your breasts, and fell to sleep within minutes. Just like you, he had not been sleeping well and as you lay there, you wondered what dreams were haunting him now.


	33. Valentine's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been a slower update. The good news is the next chapter is almost done because I've had to split it from this one as it was getting WAY too long. I expect that one to be up in a few days.

“That book again?” Severus asked as he looked down at you, sitting completely the wrong way up in his office armchair. Your crossed feet lay over the back of the old, comfortable seat, as you wiggled your toes in an odd rhythm. The book in your hands only completed two nights ago.

Looking at the script of the slightly tattered book you shrugged him off, “Comfort of the known.”

The look on Severus’ face told you he didn’t understand what that meant but it's something you had done for years. 

“It’s comforting...the words don’t change, the characters always make the same decisions and the outcomes never differ. No surprises. Even when it’s sorrowful, it’s bearable.” You sighed and flicked your eyes back to the page.

He hadn’t quite imagined such a heartfelt response; more expecting something along the lines of, “Colonel Brandon is a dish,” which is what you had said last week. _No surprises. Even when it’s sorrowful, it’s bearable._ The words made his chest feel uncomfortably heavy.

Severus had watched you slip back into the routine of teaching after the accident, though he knew it wasn’t going as smoothly as either of you had hoped. It was taking its toll on you physically and mentally but he knew you wouldn’t declare that willingly. He both loved and loathed your stubbornness; the irony of his frustrations did not escape Severus.

On the nights you spent together, you were full of nonsensical lunar ramblings; dreams he could not begin to comprehend but Severus knew nightmares, had been living with them for years. Waking you could make the process worse, confuse or upset you more, so he would hold you as best he could until you calmed.

The evenings you’d spend apart were when Severus worried the most. You’d said it was important to keep time for yourselves, for your personal pursuits; he understood but he didn’t particularly enjoy going to bed alone. Throwing himself into research on those long nights to divert his wandering mind and to keep him from turning up at your door worked. Most of the time. _You really have gone soft,_ was his repeated thought, as he knocked on your door one night. It was late but he knew you'd be up and from what he could gather you’d only been listening to music. You welcomed him with no questions asked.

Stephanie’s visit had led you to open up to him again, which subsequently led to other late-night talks and he delighted in the feeling of regaining so much of your trust. Of course, people did trust him and had trusted him before; Albus as a spy, Tom and the others as a Deatheater, but you trusted him as a person. As Severus.

You told him how you had fallen into what you described as a state of repetitive numbness after the loss of your daughter and career. Whilst, he didn’t think you’d succumbed to that cycle again, he knew the toll Albus’s confession had taken. The lies. The deceit. His own guilt would get the better of him from time to time and Severus wanted nothing more than to release his rage upon Albus in those moments. But you dampened that fire every time it rose, assuring him you were okay.

That rationality didn’t stop your pain though. The dark circles, that you took extra time to hide in the mornings, told him so. The way you slumped out of bed with little vigour, told him so and the way you had started hiding in his office at every break in the day, told him so. Sometimes you’d fall to sleep, on the rare occasion you’d find solace in his lips but for the most part, you buried yourself deep into another world. A world without magic.

“I’m hiding from Lockhart.” You admitted; Severus’ glare needed distracting, his worry had firmly etched itself into his brow and you were worried that it may never smooth out again. _He wants to know why you keep coming here._ In this instance, the reason was the truth. 

Severus instinctively hardened at Lockhart’s name and his hand twitched; you had enough to cope with and Gilderoy Lockhart needed to be the least of your worries. He’d see to it if needed. “What does he want?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” you shrugged, “I’ve just been told on several occasions that he is looking for me. Considering it’s Valentine’s day tomorrow, I am staying FAR away. Just in case. Don’t quite fancy a bumbling Lothario to ruin the end of my week.”

Valentine’s Day. Good Godric. Severus didn’t even realise. He looked down at you again, now enthralled in the pages of Austen once more. “Are you a celebrant of the day?” He asked, worried you might say yes. Christmas he could power through, he wasn’t quite so sure he could say the same for Valentine’s Day.

Your eyes glanced up tiredly, his large figure towering over your childlike sitting position. There was a squint in his eye as he stared at the potions along the workbench to the side of his desk. “Not particularly, dear.” His stature relaxed significantly. _Silly man_.

Much to his displeasure, Severus had a class and you did not. He trudged out of his office soon after, having picked up the few extra resources he needed. There wasn’t much lustre in his walk as he made his way to his classroom, he'd have much preferred to stay with you.

“Severus, just the man I need.” Lockhart’s irritatingly fake voice rang through Severus like a blast of the Cruciatus curse. He considered just ignoring him for a moment, then he remembered he was looking for you. That made him want to send Lockhart as far from the dungeons as was possible. . 

“Really? And why is that?” He asked, not hiding both his disbelief and disgust as he reluctantly stopped in front of the man.

“Yes. Well sort of. Y/N not around?” He asked.

Severus glared at him silently, not bothering to reply.

“No? Never mind, you should be able to help.” Lockhart clapped his hands together excitedly, “So, I know you’re mightily close to, Y/N.”

Severus’ eyebrow raised and his lip twitched, but he allowed Lockhart to continue with what he knew was going to be a foolish notion.

“I have an exquisite day planned for lovers tomorrow, and I have produced, all by myself may I add, a beautiful, intricate card for Y/N, but I think she’s been put off by my masculine energy in the past. Tell me, does she like a softer man?”

Severus' entire body tensed as an indescribable rage bubbled in his stomach. _How dare he?_ And not only that, was he serious? His mirrors must have been forged alongside the Mirror of Erised; masculine energy? If Severus wasn’t so cautious of what he could reveal, he would have acted more violently, he was sure.

“Maybe I’ll ask her to dine with me.” Lockhart mused, not noticing Severus’ growing agitation.

“I think she’d prefer to throw herself off the Astronomy Tower.” Severus bit back, trying not to Avada the fool right there in the hallways of the school.

“Oh, dining at the Astronomy would be awfully romantic, wouldn’t it?

His head must be made of cotton, Severus thought. Lockhart had swum through life feeding off his good looks and hadn’t bothered to fill his head with the necessary knowledge, clearly. The Sorting hat had made a grave mistake putting him in Ravenclaw House, in Severus' opinion.

“Lockhart, were you dropped on your diaphanous cranium as an infant?” He asked but didn’t give the blonde-haired man time to answer, “Repeatedly? Purposefully I suspect. Now, your last advancements towards Y/n ended with you looking rather foolish if you remember?” Severus hissed.

Lockhart dared try to interrupt him but before he could force a word beyond his painted lips, Severus continued.

“Oh yes, she told me about your wandering limbs. The reason why I had to save your precious hand. I don’t hesitate in thinking she will do much worse to you next time if you continue with your endeavours.”

A wave of Lockhart’s hand in dismissal vexed Severus further, his eyes widening and his teeth grinding together uncomfortably.

“Mere flirtation tactics.” Lockhart assured, “Playing hard to get. Women love that old trope. Trust me, old boy, I know women and I know she wouldn’t be able to resist me again.”

Severus saw red. _Fuck caution._ Rushing in closer to the pompous prat, seething and wand ready to be drawn at any moment, Lockhart visibly crumpled under the weight of Severus’ aggressive presence.

“I suppose your mother didn't teach you not to touch what isn’t yours? Let me leave no room for misinterpretation. Stay. Away. From. Her. Or your life at this school and everywhere else for that matter, will get very difficult.” Severus searched the surface of his mind as he pinned Lockhart down with his stare, he really did believe you were interested.

Lockhart’s tweezed brow rose, however, his bravery was shot down before it had really taken flight by the fierceness of Severus' demonic glare. Voice quivering as he spoke back, “And whose is she then, Severus?”

Severus snarled, no longer able to tolerate him talking about you as if you were an object, he turned away from the pitiful thing in front of him, barking back, “She’s her own. Leave her that way.”

“Her own?” Lockhart scoffed to himself, then probably for the first time since he arrived at Hogwarts; he thought. “A little secret is it, Severus?”

Lockhart shook off the encounter, straightened his back, ran a hand through his hair, and puffed out his chest. Scanning the corridor to check no one had witnessed the scene, he swayed out of the dungeons as if it had never happened.

*

“Sweet baby Cupids, what has Lockhart done in here?” You exclaimed to Severus as you entered for breakfast the next morning. The Great Hall was decorated to the helm for Valentine’s day. Large, garish, pink flowers adorned the old walls, and pink, heart-shaped confetti fell from the glamoured blue ceiling. Christmas had at least been classy. 

Severus jeered, completely unimpressed, and bounded down between the tables. How much longer would Albus allow him to continue to lessen the school’s reputation? He questioned. Following behind, you greeted students, not missing how Ron, Hermione, and Harry looked between you and Severus. Just children being painfully obvious as ever. Hermione had evidently figured something out and had told the boys; you didn’t mind her knowing, she could at least be subtle, but those two? You weren’t sure how adept at subtlety they were.

There wasn’t one inspired face at the teacher’s dining table as you peered down the long row of forlorn faces, well except Pomona, who was still clearly as loved up as she was at Christmas. Severus grumbled his way through breakfast, mostly to himself while you were concentrating on trying to hold it together. Mealtimes were the worst. So many people. Too many opportunities to slip up.

Lockhart stood up rather dramatically before you could worry for too long. He was dressed in pink robes and his hair was somehow shinier than usual; you nearly lost your appetite mid spoonful of porridge. But you had to give it to him, he was always ballsy with his fashion sense.

Severus clattered his fork down loudly as Lockhart began bellowing into the packed Great Hall, which you thought was generous, considering he looked like he may launch said fork at him.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Lockhart exclaimed as you half-heartedly scooped more porridge, only listening in part to what he was saying.

However, when a team of dwarfs thundered in through the doors of the Great Hall, your attention was firmly on the spectacle he had arranged. It meant one thing for all the professors; more stress. Lessons were going to be interrupted by these little cherubs all day long, especially considering the rampant hormones of these kids and the gleeful looks that were playing across the sea of faces in front of you.

“Why not ask Professor Snape or Professor y/n to whip up a love potion in class today?” He exclaimed joyfully as he looked over to you, “I’d be very intrigued to see what their Amortentia smells like!”

The students laughed in response and you had to hold Severus’ leg under the table to stop him from turning Lockhart to dust with the flick of his wand. At this point, you were fairly sure that the pink cladded simpleton had a deathwish.

Distraction, that’s what Severus would need today and lots of it. In all honesty, you could do with it too.

*

“Alright class, settle down, we have a lot to get through and I expect there to be a few interruptions from Professor Lockhart’s minions. As a precursor, you should know that we will not be brewing any love potions in this class." An audible grumble of disappointment rolled through the Potions classroom as it had in the previous lesson.

“Yes, yes, I know. I’m SO boring but love potions are no joke, they’re not a gimmick for Valentine’s Day and that’s why Professor Lockhart is never allowed access to the potions classroom.” Most of them managed a half-hearted chuckle, even in their clear disappointment.

“Love potions can cause dangerous infatuations which are obviously a world away from actual love. There is no potion known to wizards or witches that can produce anything close to true love; you just can’t force some things I’m afraid, even with magic. Best to find it the natural way.”

Severus was thoroughly correcting his NEWT class assignments when you sat yourself down on the desk, he was half listening to you and glad someone was being a voice of reason. He’d taken to joining your classes, not out of concern for your teaching but mostly for his own enjoyment. It was pleasing to watch you and listen to you teach. However, he couldn’t let the pupils think he’d tolerate such comfort in his classroom; a look of displeasure shot your way, as it always did when you perched there and as ever the class fell for it. _Gullible Dunderheads._

“So, what does your Amortentia smell like, Professor? Because apparently, Professor Lockhart is dying to know.” Geneva Hirth asked confidently and too curiously for your liking. 

A rush of “oohs” made a wave through the students as they giggled and turned to their friends. You shook your head at them dramatically and tutted.

“Yes, well, Professor Lockhart can continue with his endeavour," _And die, "_ I have not smelt Amortentia in many years and I do not plan on it any time soon. Enough about love potions and enough gossip for today!” Clapping your hands together you brought their attention back to you. A little chat and fun never hurt, and it helped the pupils trust you more but if you didn’t steer them back in time, you’d lose their concentration completely. 

“You all will be brewing the ageing potion that we went over in our previous lesson today. So if you fancy yourself with a few wrinkles or grey hairs, this is the one to remember.”

_Probably smells like Snape’s bedroom._

You eyes flew up to the class. It happened again. Just like when you were younger, your Leglimency had been running a little wild, picking up titbits from the unaware students. A few days into teaching you found this to be another symptom of your accident.

The first occasion was during a particularly stressful class with fourth-year herbology students. Patrick Pepperson had called you a moody bitch with a nice arse. Only, it turned out that he hadn’t but he had thought it. From then on, any time you could, you squirreled yourself away between classes. It only made you doubt yourself further, that you were really beginning to lose it. Maybe the knock on the head was the last straw; after all, Stephanie had raised her concerns about the memory shifting and erasing.

_Weak._

Distraction. Time for that distraction.

"I think I'd prefer anti-aging," You heard whispered somewhere in the middle of the class. 

“Yes wouldn't we all," you replied, "Okay, open your textbooks, everything you need is set out for you. As ever, if you require assistance just raise your hand. Good luck, try your best not to blow anything up today, please. I would like to enjoy my free period after this.”

Severus rose and went to the bookcase in the corner of the room, _perfect timing._ On fresh parchment, you quickly scribbled a message in the top right-hand corner and placed it on top of his work, then began making your rounds as the students prepared their ingredients.

The classroom door burst open before you’d even reached the end row of tables; a pink adorned dwarf ready to deliver messages of love and devotion.

“Keep your eyes on what you’re doing, I’d rather not be cleaning up your messes today, thank you.” You warned.

The dwarf started weaving through the classroom, dropping cards next to pupils. A few looks of disappointment as some students remained empty-handed. Then he stopped at you, looking up he passed you three. _Ah, balls._ Turning to Severus, his signature eyebrow raised high, you smiled bashfully and then dipped your head. _Students are getting braver._

“You may open your cards once your brews are finished.” Your instruction caused more groans and Severus smirked as he sat back down, both at your embarrassment and your tough hand with the pupils.

Noticing the fresh parchment instantly, he picked it up and began reading.

_I’m certain my Amortentia would smell like you._

_P.S_

_I’m no poet but riddle me this._

_Am I wearing underwear? Yea or nay?_

_Happy Valentine’s Day._

_x_

He met your stare; jaw tight and his eyes hooded. They grazed over your body, his head slightly tilting to the side, eyeing for a crease in your skirt. _Yea or Nay?_ Much to his irritation, he had to adjust his seating position due to the tightening under his robes; underwear or not he could stare at you all day. You would always fore-go teaching robes in Potions, for safety reasons, but at that moment Severus thought the sole reason was to ruin his concentration with your tight clothing.

Not missing the awkward shuffle, you smiled and continued on with watching over the lesson. _Distraction 1 – Severus 0._

Severus detected the extra sway you put into your walk, saw the small glances you were taking in his direction. 66 minutes, then he’d take the smug look off your face. He could manage that.

It turned out, he could not manage it. To him, his complete lack of control when it came to you, felt disastrous. At one point he was certain you’d popped an extra button on your shirt, as you bent over a cauldron he could eye more cleavage than earlier. 

And of course, after the class ended you had a pupil who wanted to ask you questions and of course you obliged them. He watched you see them out the classroom and shut the door and before your hand was off the handle Severus had locked it. 

With a wicked smirk on your face, you turned and rested against the door, purposefully pushing your chest out.

“You popped a button in my class?” He asked, the rough edge in his voice doing wonders to your body.

“My class, love,” you replied, “I was the only one in here teaching. And yes I did.”

Leaning back in his chair, he pushed it out, making a space between himself and the desk, “Come here and I’ll teach you something.”

His lustful words almost made you purr with excitement but you were still in a devious mood, so you walked as slowly as you could to him. He was less patient and had your arse pressed into the edge of his desk in a flash. Pulling one leg up, he took your shoe off and rested your foot on his thigh; his hand beginning to tease from ankle, over your knee to the beginning of your inner thigh.

“Ah, ah,” you tutted, stopping him at the wrist.

“Don’t test me anymore, witch.” He warned. You were going to have to change before your last class of the day. These clothes were ruined already.

“Oooh, someone is riled up. Yea or Nay?” You asked, your heart racing and your body buzzing with delight.

“Yea,” he replied instantly and tried to continue the path his hand so desperately wanted to take.

“Yea?” Your eyebrow raised, “Why’s that?”

“As much as you love to tease me, you would never teach a 2-hour class without any underwear on but it was a lovely thought, darling.” Severus licked his lips and his fingertips pushed into the supple flesh beneath them, “Stop torturing us both.”

Releasing his hand, you sighed as his slightly rough fingertips breezed over the delicate skin. Gleefully you watched as he inched ever closer to his goal.

“Wrong.” You sighed as he touched the slick, heated skin between your legs.

He groaned as he fingertips were wetted and pushed you fully onto the desk with his other hand. The chair flew back as he stood and he branded the feel of his fevered lips onto yours. “I’ve never been so pleased to be wrong before,” he mumbled between kisses.

“Surprise,” Was all you could reply as your hands worked tiresomely to get him closer to you.

His fingers pushed teasingly at your entrance, taking over every feeling in your body; his way of payback for the last few hours. The way you dug your fingers into his shoulders and whimpered as his tongue stroked against yours, made him want to continue but you were both limited on time.

Removing his hand, he pulled you roughly to his chest, then turned you. Your head just about caught up before he pressed himself into your back, his arousal pushing into the softness of your backside. Naturally, you rolled your hips back into him.

“Fuck,” he sighed as he dug his fingers into your waist, “Look at you. Just can’t help yourself, can you?”

You shook your head softly in response.

Laughing darkly, his chest vibrated against your spine making the hairs on the back of your neck feel electric. Then both of your wrists were tightly clasped in Severus’ possessive hands as he guided you down onto the desk.

You had thought about this all through teaching but no thought could compare to the feeling of Severus’ hands running up your outer thighs as he pulled your skirt, or the sound of gratification as he saw you bared to him, or even the sting as he undoubtedly left his handprint on your arse. Stifling the shocked yelp, you reminded him to put a silencing charm on the door. You didn’t need anyone hearing Severus fuck you on his desk.

Severus, already frustrated and ready to burst out of his trousers, grabbed his wand from the table and pointed it towards the door. “Muffliato.”

Resting your forehead on your arms, you listened to the wand being placed back down on the desk, then heard the familiar sound of his belt being undone and his zipper being released. The sound of relief from Severus’ chest filled you with weakening anticipation. Shivering uncontrollably as he ran a finger from the nape of your neck down each individual bump in your spine, then back up; his hand gripped your shoulder and you mewled in delight when the head of his erection pressed at your entrance.

Severus' breath faltered and then he growled as he thrust fully inside of you. Your whole body moved with the jarring motion and you felt like you had been spontaneously set alight; the heat rising from your thighs to your neck as he gave you no time to catch yourself. Whatever buttons you had pushed today had worked and these were equal measures of punishment and reward he doled out, as he relentlessly pushed you towards an achingly quick finish.

The sounds of him taking his pleasure emanated down on you and it only made your inner walls tighten more. Holding onto the edge of the desk, you hoped to anything that was holy that his Muffliato charm was secure because the indecent noises being made between your bodies, the grinding of the wooden legs against the floor and the moans of his name would probably get you sacked.

Severus’ hand moved from your shoulder and he grasped your waist, he was gritting his teeth, holding back his release until you were ready.

“Let’s see you sit on my desk again today,” he said and slapped the cheek that had gone unscathed earlier.

“Jesus, Sev.” You moaned and bit your lip, enjoying the warm prickly sensation of the aftermath.

“Muggle language as well.” He huffed in short breaths, his hand came down hard on both cheeks, one followed instantly by the other. Delighted at the gasps the slaps elicited, Severus pushed further, “You’ll still sit there though won’t you?”

“Of course...fuck,” you panted, “I wouldn’t be your stubborn...witch if I didn’t.”

“Good. Very good.” He praised and just like that your legs began to shake and the delicious tightening around his aching hard-on made him lose all sense of decorum as he pushed his hand roughly into your hair. You forced your forehead down into the desk, moaning your foul-mouthed climax into the dark wood as Severus joined you; his thrusts becoming uncoordinated as he leaned forward onto the desk for support before slumping against your back.

The weight of him was comforting, his heaving breaths and the small beads of sweat on his forehead indicated he was completed satiated. That was always a satisfying achievement.

“Happy fucking Valentine’s Day” He panted, each word buzzing through your heightened senses, “You’re going to be the death of me, woman.” He kissed your neck lazily a few times as he composed himself.

“My crude mouth is rubbing off on you, dear.” You said chuckling as his lips tickled your neck.

A peck on the cheek was his parting gift; he rose slowly and reached for his wand to clean up. There was a distinctive sting as you lifted yourself up shakily, one you would be feeling for the rest of the day no doubt. Not that you minded. A reminder of that experience? You’d take it.

Severus pulled your skirt down for you and ran his hands gently through your hair, massaging your scalp before retrieving the chair he had sent flying earlier.

Once seated he guided you to sit in his lap and you curled up as best you could; letting him bestow upon you soft kisses and continued scalp rubs until your next class. You’d missed lunch, which you were sure you were going to have to explain to some people, at some point, but that could all wait. At that moment, you were being loved upon and you were going to bask in it.

For the rest of the day, you couldn’t look at him working at his desk without feeling ridiculously warm, he knew it too and relished in it. Sadly, some arsehole students were messing about in the Slytherin common room at the end of the day, so he was too busy with Head of House duties to lure him into your quarters. Shame. 

*

“Lockhart thinks you’re my boyfriend.” You exclaimed rather too loudly as you lowered yourself carefully onto the seat next to Severus. Your stomach groaned at the sight of the bowl of roast potatoes in front of you; having not eaten since breakfast coupled with the day's activities, you’d arrived at dinner hungry for once.

Severus grimaced at the childish term and turned his attention to you, noting how tired you looked, his face softened but he was not impressed with the Monika. “I’m no one’s BOYfriend. I am not a boy.” He remarked rather indignantly.

You shrugged, “I’m not a girl either, but apparently I’m a _very_ good one.”

Minerva startled you both with a cough, a goblet at her lips; she quickly wiped her mouth with a napkin and pretended to eat. Minerva eavesdropping was nothing new, her hearing was unmatched and she’d averted her gaze by the time you’d turned fully to her.

Severus scowled at the both of you, the embarrassment of Minerva possibly knowing intimate details made him drop his head, his face shadowed by his dark hair, so he could eat in peace. Minerva was his colleague, his old professor, he didn't want her to know his carnal likes. 

You plated yourself a reasonable-sized dinner and began eating in small bites, Severus’ eyes scanned your plate. Better than before, he thought.

“Why does he think that anyway?” He reconvened, once the embarrassment had dissipated and his usual pallor had come back.

“Well, I blew him off earlier...”

Severus cleared his throat, “Might want to rethink your wording on that.”

“Oh..ew. Please, I’m trying to eat, Severus. Anyway, I...declined his invitation to dinner, took his Valentine card, and then subsequently heard him moping to Harry and Ron in the courtyard. Saying he’d lost someone to a lesser man. Cheeky bastard and who says that to 12 year olds?”

“How do you know I’m the lesser man he was speaking of?” Severus asked, insulted.

“That’s simple. He wrote it on his card." You swallowed the carrot you had been chewing and cleared your throat, _"P.S,_ _Whatever Severus has over you, I can give you threefold."_

Raising the back of your hand to your forehead you feigned girlishness, “I almost came over all giddy,” you mocked as you rolled your eyes. “It didn’t even make sense. Bloody moron. I, of course, don’t think you are, love.”

The softness of your eyes quelled his hurt but not his anger. Lockhart hadn’t listened to a word Severus had said, had he? What did he have to do to make him understand? He was in two minds about paying him a visit after dinner, which he was conveniently absent from. Considering he made the hall look like the insides of his soft mind, he should have had the decency to suffer it like the rest of them.

“What would you prefer anyway?” You enquired, pulling him from the ticking time bomb of his mind.

Having not particularly thought about this part of your relationship yet, you were intrigued as to what Severus would want to be known as. If anything. While it might have been obvious to watchful eyes, you and Severus were still not broadcasting you were together. “Man-friend? Lover? Mein Fuhrer?” You suggested then grimaced at your last offer. _Too far. Too dark._

It took Severus a second to understand what you were referring to. “Partner will do just fine,” he replied.

“Howdy.” You muttered under your breath as you nabbed yourself another Yorkshire pudding.

Apparently, your volume control was still lacking, as he whipped his head round to you, his hair swaying beautifully. “What?” He asked.

You stifled your childish sniggering, “Nothing, dear. Just being silly. Partner is good.” In fact, you were quite happy with it; it was sensible and he had suggested, which was a shock all by itself. 

Minerva did not fare so well with her own laughter and turned her head from the two of you before she felt the wrath of Severus’ eyes bore holes into her. She thought the two of you suited very well and she was quite enjoying being privy to the secret relationship. Though if you kept talking so loudly and throwing each other those doe eyes, it wouldn’t be secret for much longer.


	34. Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quite apprehensive about this one! Enjoy.

_Drowning. It was as painful as people described. You couldn’t comprehend how your lungs felt so full of liquid yet so on fire. Contorting and wrenching your body to escape was futile. The silver water would not yield._

_Pushing your hands into the side of the bowl you tried with your last effort to break free but it was too much. Vision blurry and legs fumbling underneath you, you succumbed to the pulling force of the Pensieve as it engulfed your entire body until you were sinking further and further into a vast expanse of nothingness. The pain was gone and euphoria ran through your veins as silver wisps swam across your vision._

“ _The memories will always be yours,” Albus’s voice rang out from the abyss below._

_A wisp frantically buzzed around your head, then shot off, then came back. You weren’t sure how you knew but it wanted you to follow. Kicking your legs and parting the silver water you began swimming after it. It felt effortless as it lead you down deeper until the silver hue of the water was disappearing into the blackness. But you had been deceived. It knotted itself around your body, lengthening itself to first tie down your arms and then force your legs together. No amount of fight could stop it, and as much as you thrashed and writhed, it seemed to do nothing._

_The euphoria dissolved back into agonising, crushing pain. Everything hurt and you knew at that moment all the fight was gone. Letting the pain completely take your body, you gave up, for the final time._

“ _Your anger will solve nothing but use it if you must.” Your grandmother’s words wrenched you forward just as your vision blurred._

Panting for air, you frantically pushed and hit at whatever was on your body; it was too heavy and suffocating and you needed it off of you.

“ARGH FUCK!” Severus’ yelled beside you in the darkness as you sat up and brought your knees to your chest.

Gasping for more air, you rested your forehead onto your knees and tried to steady the panic in your lungs. The Pensieve dreams were becoming far too intense.

“Y/n,” Severus groaned, his nose aching and the taste of warm copper at his lips.

The bedroom was rid of its darkness as the candles flickered to life. Severus was holding his wand in one hand, nose in the other. Raising your head to his muffled moans, you saw the blood around his wrist. The tears that had already formed in your eyes broke their barrier and ran down your face at the sight of it. _You’ve hurt him._

“I’m sorry,” you whimpered, furiously rubbing at the unwanted pearls of shame. Reaching for your wand, you faced him, concerned and guilt-ridden.

“Here, let me fix it,” you offered as you shuffled closer to his side.

He carefully lowered his hand, a crimson mess marred his pale features and you had to bite back more tears. Feeling terrible but desperate to fix what you had done, you inhaled deeply to stop any more outbursts of emotion. Aiming your wand, you saw the look of concern in Severus’ eyes. Was that fear? Did he not trust you to do it?

“Episkey.”

Severus groaned loudly and pushed his head back, as an uncomfortable rush of heat burned through his nostrils, stemming the bleed. The next incantation came quickly.

“Tergeo.”

The blood was wiped clean from his face and hand in a few seconds. It looked like it had never happened. Severus had black sheets so you weren’t sure if there was any on there, but that was the least of your worries.

“Thank you,” he whispered, his nose still tingling. His eyes had welled with tears from the blow and he wiped those away with the pads of his fingers. Now that was over he was going to have to tell you and you weren’t going to be pleased.

“Was it the same one?” He asked first, beginning to stroke the fading scars on your left hand. They didn’t bother him, except that they were a reminder of a time he’d prefer to forget.

“Yeah,” you swallowed down the thick feeling in your throat. “You were on top of me when I woke up and I was confused, I lashed out. I’m sorry, Sev, I’m so sorry. It...you just felt suffocating.”

“It’s okay,” he soothed as he looked into watery eyes he did not recognise, “With a nose this big it was inevitable.”

You mustered a chuckle for his sake, knowing he was doing his best to cheer you up. It was no secret that he had little appreciation for his larger than average nose.

“Your nose is lovely,” you replied.

“Y/n,” he said nervously and then paused, biting at his bottom lip. “It’s happened again, darling.”

Closing your eyes and turning from him, you scooted off the bed and padded to his bathroom. Severus let out a long sigh as he watched you walk away, readying himself for how you might react this time. His eyes fluttered closed with achy tiredness but were soon brought back to life at your angered complaint.

“Fucking fuck!” You shouted as you looked at yourself, hitting the rim of the sink hard with your hand.

“Ow, you Motherfuc...urgh!” You bounced up and down like a small child having a tantrum, juddering the angered energy from your limbs.

Calming your body and closing your eyes again, you willed them to change back, you didn’t want to look like this, look like him. Severus’ warm, reassuring arms wrapped around you and you timed your breathing to his, slumping into his bare chest.

“Open your eyes, Y/N.” He whispered, his left cheek resting gently alongside your right.

The lids of your eyes lifted to allow sapphire and emerald to meet onyx in the reflection of the mirror. Severus’ arms tightened.

“You don’t have to hide it from me.” He reassured.

“I told you, it’s embarrassing. Not having control over my body or my mind.”

Severus had noticed the secret that only you, Stephanie, and Albus knew of. In hindsight, you don’t know why you thought you’d be able to keep it from him. It was pretty obvious for someone you now shared a large portion of your life with when your blasted eyes shifted colour. He hadn’t appreciated the secrecy and it had caused a rather loud disagreement between the two of you because he had caught glimpse of it once, apparently, and thought he was going mad.

Once you had both calmed down, he tried for hours to turn them back. Succeeding once, only for them to revert almost immediately. The process baffled you both, as after more hours, they were back to the familiar eyes that Severus had fallen in love with.

“You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about.” He reassured you and then kissed your cheek, “Come on, back to bed with you.”

“I think I’m going to go back to my room,” you replied, fearful you were going to fall back into a nightmare and do something even worse. Next time it might not just be a bloodied nose, you worried.

“You’ll be doing no such thing.” Severus did not enjoy sleeping alone anymore, he didn’t want to waste an evening with you because of an accident.

Sighing, you didn’t have the energy for another argument. Finally, you were going to succumb to his wishes. “Then I’ll take the dreamless sleep. I don’t want to risk hurting you again.”

Severus had been trying to get you to take it for weeks, along with extra painkillers for the headaches that had crept their way back in but you were reluctant. Relying on the potion for your leg was enough for you.

“Don’t worry about me but I am glad you’ll take it.”

Severus himself partook in the consumption from time to time, usually, if he was alone for the night, so he already had it brewed and waiting in his bedroom.

Wrapped up in Severus and protected by the powerful effect of the potion, you slept soundly for the rest of the night.

*

Through your tired eyes, it looked like day-to-day life had become surprisingly quiet for most at Hogwarts. Unbelievably, the most exciting event through February and much into mid-March was Lockhart’s Valentine’s Day furor, which had put a few pupils in the infirmary. Nothing too severe; just split lips and broken hearts.

As best you tried, you had been spending less and less time in the infirmary with the petrified boys. Extra evening patrols, mixed with sleep deprivation and time for Severus meant week-nights were a bust. The warmer weather brought about more pupils leaving the common rooms for outdoor pursuits at the weekend. As the newest, youngest, and least experienced teacher at the school, you were often lumped with making sure they were behaving themselves, and of course, waking up with Severus in your bed usually meant a few distracted hours before you both surfaced.

Leg twitching, eyes staring blankly at the meeting points in front of you, you thought about those poor petrified boys losing months and months of their youth. Charity nudged your foot with her own, waking your glassy gaze. She looked at you sympathetically, clearly just as bored as you were. You mouthed, ‘thank you’, straightened up, and reached for your cup of coffee, head starting to ache. Late-night meetings were the worst; you had a stomach full of food and Albus’s office was always very warm. Naturally, the combination made you sleepy; even after a week of taking dreamless sleep, your body had not caught up with the sleep it had lost.

“Now, exam season will be upon us before we know it. I have received forecasted grades from all subjects,” Albus said as he rifled through a file of parchments, “but I am missing Dark arts. Gilderoy, do you have those?”

Half an hour to reach this portion of the meeting and you could see four more points to consider before Albus would release you all.

“Hmmm?” Lockhart murmured, he hadn’t been paying the slightest bit of attention. Every time you glanced in his direction you could tell he was more away with the fairies than you had been. Half an hour and now Lockhart was going to slow it down further.

“Predicted grades.” He repeated, looking over his small spectacles. “Do you have them for me?”

Lockhart wiggled in his seat, avoiding the accusatory stares of the rest of the teaching staff. They all wanted to go about their evenings.

“Oh, er, Y/N, did you sort those?” He asked sheepishly.

Eyes drew to you as you sipped the last of your coffee and Merlin was it needed. You had a feeling he would do this.

“If you recall, Gilderoy,” you licked the last remnant of coffee from your lip and didn’t even bother to disguise the terseness in your tone, - “I reminded you at the beginning of last week to send those through to Albus. You have done them haven’t you?”

 _Of course, he hasn’t and he’ll get away with it too._ _As he always does._

The fumbling of his words as he pieced together an incoherent sentence gave you the answer you needed. Albus, too.

“Well, I can’t say I didn’t expect this, so I took the liberty of collating it myself.” Taking a folder from your bag you stood and stretched over the table to give it to Albus. Not missing the smirk on Severus’ face. _That’s my witc_ _h,_ he thought.

Lockhart was crimson cheeked and suddenly uncharacteristically quiet, as were the rest of the staff. Minerva and Pomona had heard you gripe about him enough so both women looked rather pleased. But you didn’t feel it. Even if you had triumphed in making him look an idiot and proving to everyone he was useless, it didn’t make you feel better. It made you angrier because he had been getting away with being so lazy off your back. Picking up the slack for him had become a natural reaction because someone had to be there for the students.

“Thank you, y/n.” Albus poured over the grades quickly.

The rest of the room remained silent, aside from Severus’ tapping fingers. It was his tell. His declaration of annoyance. Severus was itching to say something but you were doing just fine by yourself; he was ready if needed though.

Pomona, ever the resolver of issues, spoke up.

“The mandrakes are growing well, we’ve not lost any yet” she smiled as she talked, directing her speech at all those present, - “so I imagine the full batch will reach maturity within, I’d say 6 to 8 weeks. We can finally get those poor boys out of the infirmary. However, Argus has been paying me increased visits in regards to them; the poor man won’t be pacified. Maybe you could have a word with him, Albus? Or you, Severus?”

The last thing Severus wanted to have was a heart to heart with Filch about his rigid feline but he nodded his acknowledgment at the suggestion. He was sure you’d push him to do it, eventually.

“What are we doing about the situation?” You asked, all skittish eyes now on you again. Severus could tell you were pissed off still and he was about to steer the conversation in another direction but Minerva questioned your response first.

“What do you mean? We still have extra patrols and curfews.” She offered.

“Yes, but that’s defensive, why are we not being more proactive in finding who or _what_ is responsible? We have a great explorer on our staff who has yet to lift a finger. What is it? Is it not book-worthy?” You aimed at Lockhart, who avoided your questions and your eye contact.

“The rest of our resources and powers used together can’t resolve it? So we continue to cower?” You pushed, angering yourself as you questioned your fellow Professors.

Lockhart mustered up the courage from somewhere and hit back at you, “We also have a talented Auror, who has yet to lift a finger if I am correct.”

Your eyes widened, Lockhart had finally located his balls, and for him, it was very poor timing. “Just say the word. I don’t want to have to sit with any more petrified students whilst they lay forgotten about in the infirmary. I’ll even let you come with me, if you like, let’s see your magic show! I’ve read all about it but I’ve yet….”

“That’s enough you two!” Albus warned. “We are monitoring the situation. There hasn’t been an attack for months, the heavy patrols are preventing that from happening. Everyone is perfectly safe.”

“Sounds like we’re sitting ducks to me.” You retorted.

Filius averted his gaze and Charity shuffled nervously in her chair next to you but it didn’t distract from the intense glares you were sending at both Albus and Lockhart.

“Y/n, I am not in the business of putting my staff in danger, chasing their tails over who knows what.” Albus’s usual calming tones had risen to a level of annoyance rarely heard.

“It’s just your pupils you’re willing to let suffer then?” You scoffed then quickly stiffened. _Shit._ What were you thinking?

“Y/N!” Severus’s voice sent you a warning. _Stop it._ At that moment he desired more than ever to be able to make the connection with you. Calm you without anyone else’s knowledge.

Was Severus taking Albus’s side? Of all the people in this room and _he_ was pulling you up? You stood, collected your bag from the floor, and left before you said anything else as equally reckless. You didn’t dare meet Severus’ eye, for fear you might break in front of the entire room.

The door slamming shut made Trelawney jump as if she had missed the spectacle completely and Severus knew he should go after you but he stopped himself.

“She’s not been the same since the accident,” Minerva said worriedly.

“And you don’t help,” she continued, pointing at Lockhart. “We all know how much work you put on her shoulders, and I’m sorry Albus, but it’s downright wrong. I don’t want to hear of it happening anymore. Sort yourself out, Gilderoy!”

Minerva stood and looked to Albus, “I think this meeting is over. Severus come with me?”

It wasn’t really a question, he knew he was going because he knew better than to ignore Minerva when she was irate.

“Very well,” Albus conceded, “Gilderoy, we need to have a word.”

Lockhart smiled nervously and remained seated; not one sympathetic look was thrown his way as he was left alone in Albus’ silent office.

Feet hitting the corridor floors in unison, Severus waited for Minerva to speak. She pulled him into a nearby classroom and closed the door loudly behind him. It almost made him jump.

“Go find her. Apologise,” she said sternly.

“Apologise?” Severus asked. The surprise in his timber difficult to mask. 

“Yes, I know it’s not something you’re particularly practiced at, but you owe her one. She needed you in there.” The elder Professor shrilled at him. In many ways, you were like a daughter and she would not let anyone hurt you. Not any more.

“She likes to fight her own battles, Minerva. Trust me.” Severus argued.

“And trust me as a woman, we are strong and Y/n will argue down any man, woman, or beast but that doesn’t mean we don’t need propping up from time to time. Instead, you barked at her, in front of us all.” Her gaze was hard as she stared at Severus.

“What was I supposed to do?” He asked sighing and pinching the top of his nose, his head felt full, pressurised.

“Maybe if you stopped hiding her away you wouldn’t feel the need to stay so silent. I understand you’re both private people, but why are you so reluctant to admit that you’re in a relationship? If you’re going to hurt her again, then...”

“I am not going to hurt her, Minerva.” Severus interrupted. He closed his eyes briefly, looked up, and exhaled his frustrations into the evening chill. “I’ll come to find you if I need you.”

Severus left the dim classroom. Minerva followed but stopped and watched his robes soar as he pounded down the stone floors, feeling somewhat sorry for the man. She knew he was no expert when it came to relationships, having never seen him in one, or even talk about a partner. Severus was secretive though, so she couldn’t be sure.

Thoroughly riled up as you made your way back to your quarters, you slammed your door with all the force the flick of your hand could manage. The old wood creaked in response. You threw your bag on the floor, kicked off your shoes, and struggled out of your robes, which raised the heat in your body as it snagged on your shirt. You hated robes.

A shower would cool you off and at least you could hide your angered tears in the falling of the water. Severus taking Albus’s side was a blow to your chest. A heavy blow.

Stripping off your clothes, you were crying before you could make it to the shower. Crumpling your clothes, you threw them in the corner and moved to your sink to wash the makeup off your face before showering.

Your heart stopped.

Seeing him there, in your own eyes, the silver running through hair. You lost it. The shards of mirror scattered over the white porcelain sink and the floor around it. Your fist stung and you sucked air in through your teeth before scanning the damage. Small shards of glass stuck into your knuckles and a few shallow cuts etched along the top of your hand.

Your door flung open as you entered your living area to retrieve your wand from your discarded robes. Severus. His eyes widened at the sight of you in your underwear, red-faced, tears in your eyes, and a bloodied knuckle. Severus immediately panicked at the sight of your blood, something he never wanted to see again. His body tense and clammy he wasn’t sure what to do first.

“Get out,” you yelled, chest rising and falling in quick bursts. Not only were you not ready to deal with him yet, you also didn’t want him to see you in such a state. But he just closed the door and removed his wand from his robes, his hand shaking.

“I can do it myself,” you assured stroppily but he put his body in front of yours to stop you from getting to your robes.

“Move.” You commanded.

“No. Sit down, I’m getting the..” he looked at your hand, with a better vantage now, “what I presume is your mirror, out of your hand.”

You tried to get around him, the pain no longer bothering you, but he halted your destination again.

Severus didn’t often manhandle you, ever actually, not since your meeting in the corridors that one late night. He could be rough during sex but that was different. He grabbed your arm tightly and pulled you to your sofa, blood dripping onto the floor as you stumbled and sat. Huffing indignantly, you pulled away from him.

“You don’t always have to be Miss independent you know,” he admonished as he took your wrist, far more gently than he grabbed your arm. Severus’ hand was warm and slightly slick with sweat.

“You’re such an arsehole,” you replied and looked away from him as he began removing the glass from your hand.

He scoffed, “Yes, such an arsehole for wanting to take care of you.”

“I don’t need you to take care of me.”

“If that were the case, you wouldn’t be so irate with me.” He insisted as he began to fix your hand.

The pain made you wince and bite down, no longer able to argue. Each small shard grazed your skin more as they were unwedded from your knuckles. Severus tried to be as gentle as he could, but the slight tremor that ran through his hand made it difficult. Biting down on your lip you clamped your eyes shut as he pulled out the largest remnant.

Severus pulled your lip from your teeth once it was out. “Stop that, or I’ll be fixing a broken lip, too.”

The feel of his hand against your face betrayed your anger as you softened into his touch but you quickly fidgeted out from it before it overtook you. Knowing that you were somewhat helpless to his gentler side, you wouldn’t allow him to win you over that easily.

The pieces of broken mirror out, he closed up the cuts and cleaned the blood off your hand and leg; ignoring how you had spurned his touch. That was expected, he thought. He pulled the draped blanket off the back of the sofa and wrapped it around your shoulders.

“I’m going to the Pensieve,” you said confidently, pulling the blanket closely to your chest, “I’m tired of all of this and I want to know what has happened to me to kee…”

“We’re not discussing this again. I won’t let you torture yourself with those memories.” He interrupted. Severus couldn’t have this argument with you again. Every time you saw yourself changed you would want to run to the Pensieve.

“Torture myself? Look at me, Severus. And frankly, it’s really not your decision to make.” You argued. Who did he think he was all of sudden? You didn’t need anyone to make decisions for you.

“As sickening as it all is, your Grandmother showed you great mercy doing what she did. There are many people out there who would do anything to have their traumas removed. To do away with their pain. Don’t ruin the sacrifices she made for you, y/n.”

You looked up to him then, “Like you? You want to forget everything?”

He laughed bitterly and sucked his teeth, “No. Not like me. I deserve to remember.”

Godric, you hated when he spoke like that but in your selfishness, you had no capacity to ease him down from his self-hatred tonight. “I’m going to shower and go to bed, if this hasn’t changed by morning you won’t see me at breakfast and someone will have to tell Lockhart to cover my classes.”

“What do you mean? I won’t see you at breakfast? You’re still going to send me away?” He asked worriedly. Severus did not want you to expel him from your presence, not like this.

You sighed. Severus had separation anxiety, that much was clear, your Grandmother said it was something you suffered from as a child. It was always difficult to tell him you needed space, both on him and on you. It made you feel cold-hearted.

“You made me feel like a fool Severus. I needed you in there and all you did was silence me.”

“For your own good. As hard as it may be, we have to hold our tongues from time to time. You should know that.” He countered, his voice becoming colder as his worry grew.

He was right, of course, you knew as soon as it left your mouth it was a mistake, but your emotional state was telling you he should support you, no matter how stupid you were being.

“Well, unlike you, I’m not infallible.” You stood and he quickly followed.

“I do not pretend to be perfect. Don’t act as if I do. I know you needed me. I’ve already been read the riot act from Minerva. I’m sorry I couldn’t be. Maybe if we were no longer hiding our relationship? Maybe that could help.” He offered.

“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?” You asked as your hand rested on your hip. “And did Minerva help you come up with that?”

“She mentioned it but it..”

“I’m going to shower, make sure you’re not here when I get out, please.” You spoke over him. Of course, it would be Minerva’s idea. The words hurt your heart but you needed to be alone, you hated yourself like this and you didn’t want to exact your anger on him any longer. 

“Y/n, please..”

Severus’ face crumped, his eyes darkened and lips pursed; he was going to continue his protests but you were turned away from him and entering the bathroom before he even had a chance. He contemplated ignoring your request and being there when you returned, to resolve the argument but he knew it would lead to an even bigger one. With heavy shoulders and an even heavier heart, he left and returned to his own quarters.

*

Minerva watched as Severus paced her living quarters, a tumbler of Fire-whiskey in one hand, the other tightly clenched. He was going to wear a hole in her rug if he carried on for much longer.

“Severus. Sit down.” She finally commanded. He looked at her, scornful and slightly tipsy but eventually obeyed his former teacher. _He’s never changed,_ Minerva thought to herself.

“Do you think I should go to her?” He asked.

“Of course I do. I don’t even know why you’re here and not there, to be honest.”

“She sent me away.” He replied bluntly.

Minerva rolled her eyes, she didn’t have time for him to be moping in front of her when he could clearly go and clear up this whole mess. She'd already been witness to his sulking all day.

“She sent you away yesterday evening.” She sighed.

“Yes, well just because she let you in doesn’t mean she’ll let me in. She’s…” Severus paused, did he really want to reveal so much of himself to Minerva? But the alcohol pushed his hesitation aside. “She’s never turned me away before.”

“And Severus Snape does not like to be ignored,” Minerva replied, a brow raised high above her glasses.

He remained staring at the floor, his arm resting on her comfortable reading seat, and his forlorn head resting in his hand. Oh, how he looked like the poor boy who used to watch Lily Evans flit off with James Potter. Minerva’s own memories of those times softened her.

“She was a state this morning, it...her…” Minerva waved at her eyes, “when it hadn’t changed back. I had no idea it was even happening.”

“A lot of odd things have been happening to her,” Severus admitted sadly.

“Even so, she asked if I’d seen you and if you were okay. Albus has sorted it for now but he said he’d felt the same fight in her before. They’ve patched up as best they can if that’s any consolation. Albus understands her worries. Y/n was just relieved she hadn’t been sacked.”

Severus “hmmph’d” at the mention of Albus.

“I won’t say any more, other than take your stinking Fire whiskey out of my quarters, shower, and make it up with y/n.”

Severus’ shocked eyes lifted to Minerva, she was a blunt woman but he wasn’t quite expecting that blunt.

“Please.” She finished and then smiled.

Severus did just that.

“Severus...hi,” you said shyly as you opened your door further to allow him access to the quarters you had kicked him out of over 24 hours ago.

He remained silent which made you nervous, you had no energy to fight with him, in fact, all you wanted to do was pull him into your bedroom and curl under the duvet with him. You would not allow it though, there were things to be discussed before those luxuries could be had. By either of you.

Expecting a huge stand-off of your stubborn heads, you were surprised that the first thing Severus uttered was an apology.

“I will endeavour to do better for you,” he continued, “and as much as it loathes me to admit, I will likely get it wrong more times than I’d like. I am not perfect and I...I still don’t always know what I am doing.”

The day off had given you ample time to calm down, though Albus’s struggle with the cloaking spell had left you with a feeling of dread you could not misplace.

“Do you want me to leave?” He asked when you didn't reply, a subtle shake in his voice, for Severus feared the answer might be yes.

“No...no I don’t want you to leave.” You replied, equally as stunted. “I...I made a mistake last night, Severus because I was scared of myself.”

The floor below your feet creaked as you shuffled from foot to foot gently, your body in need of anchoring. “Can I touch you, Severus?”

His heart filled, not bothering to answer you in words, Severus practically threw himself at you. He held you tightly to his chest as he buried his face into your hair. It needed to be washed but Severus did not care, he would take care of that soon enough.

Severus pulled back to look into your eyes but remained in your arms.

“I wish I knew what was going on up here still.” He admitted for the first time since the severing of your connection.

“I could open to you.” You replied.

“It wouldn’t be the same though, would it?”

With a sad shake of your head, you dropped your eyes from his. “I’m sorry for sending you away.”

Severus lifted your chin with his index finger, “I hate it but I will do my utmost to respect your wishes and as much as you are strong, you will sometimes need me and I am more than happy to be needed by you.”

He watched your eyes water and worked quickly to dispose of the tears before they marred your warm cheeks.

“Come with me,” he whispered and then lead you from your quarters, into his and then to his bathroom.

He removed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves, something he only did in front of you. You caught a glimpse of yourself in his mirror and weren’t shocked he was beginning to run you a bath, you looked pretty rough. Since your increased sleepovers in his quarters, Severus had begun making sure there was always bubble bath on hand for you. You didn’t ask and he hadn’t said, but you noticed it.

He walked up behind you as you stared down at your hands resting on the rim of the sink. “May I?”

Raising your head, you saw he wanted to begin undressing you, “Of course.”

Turning he released the buttons on your pyjama shirt, then pushed it over your shoulders. He discarded it into the corner of the room and then held both your hands up. One scarred, the other smooth and without injury. “What happened last night?”

The feel of his thumbs stroking over your hands coaxed the answer out of you. “I was angry. At Lockhart, Albus...and you. By the time I got back to my quarters, I had done what I always do and riled myself. When I saw myself, it got too much. It was like my anger turned me into him.”

Severus kissed both hands and if he had not been holding them you knew they would be shaking.

“Don’t hurt yourself again.” _Because I cannot bear it._ His voice was soft but authoritative and Severus did his best to dispel the annoyance he felt over your actions. 

Nodding you lifted your arms for him to finish undressing you. He removed the white tank top, then laced his fingers into the top of your pyjama trousers and underwear. He ran a hand over the bathwater, assuring it was the perfect temperature, and then guided you in.

Severus sat with you the entire time; he washed your hair and then watched with his chin on the side of the bathtub as you closed your eyes, letting the water soothe your body. Slowly he allowed himself to feel contented again.

*

Working late had become routine, if you were with Severus you’d succumb to him taking you to bed and then often rise again when he was sleeping. Sex made him sleep like the dead and you were abstaining from the dreamless sleep as much as you could. Things had been better the past few weeks and Severus had brought up on more than one occasion that the two of you should at least make the rest of the teaching staff aware of your relationship. No protests were met from you but he had yet to actually reveal the secret to anyone.

The sudden sharp flicker of your candles signified a change in the room, you raised your slumped head from your desk to see Minsy, standing near the entrance to your room, head down.

“Minsy, is everything okay? What are you doing here this late?” You asked, placing your quill in its holder and standing from your seat.

The house-elves eyes were downcast and she messed with a folder behind her back, “Miss, I am very sorry, Minsy would not come if Minsy did not feel it was important.”

“It’s okay, Minsy, you don’t need to worry. I’m not mad.” You soothed as you knelt down to match her height better. Your knees were not impressed but you didn’t want to tower over her.

“Miss is too kind.” She said as she finally raised her gaze to you.

Your own curious eyes moved to what lay behind Minsy’s back. “What do you have behind your back, Minsy?”

Stepping closer and lowering her voice to a whisper, Minsy asked, “Does Miss promise to keep a secret?”

“I have enough secrets Minsy…”

Far out of character, the house-elf cut you off. “This one is supposed to be important, Miss. Minsy does not understand but Minsy is told by her friend that it is very important. They gave it to me to give to you, Miss.”

You tried to think who she may be referring to but you quickly drew a blank. “A friend of a friend? Minsy, I don’t know any other house-elves that well.”

“No, but you know Harry Potter and Miss has been kind to Harry Potter. His friend takes care of him, Minsy takes care of you.”

Who does Harry Potter know? You thought. She handed you the folder slowly, a hesitation as it passed from her frail hands into your own larger ones.

“Minsy is worried, Miss. Is Miss in danger? My friend works for a rotten house.” Her high-pitched voice was laced with worry and her concern for you touched you deeply.

“Who?” You asked softly.

“Minsy promised not to say. My friend would be hurt if they found out.” She was scared. You wouldn’t push her further. She was already taking a big enough risk doing something like this, house-elves were not meant to meddle in the affairs of Witches and Wizards.

“Okay. That’s okay, Minsy. Thank you for passing this on.” You touched her bony shoulder and sighed. _More drama. Excellent._

“Miss. Please be careful.” Minsy’s eyes almost looked like they were about to tear up as she stared up at you.

“I will.” You reassured her, even though you had no idea what you were getting yourself into, as usual.

Minsy nodded her head and offered you a smile then disappeared.

Rushing to your desk, you pushed aside the parchments you had been marking and lay open the folder. Clipped to the top was a photograph, a plain, unassuming building, something too modern you thought to be in the backdrop of the country setting it was situated in. Setting the photograph aside, you began reading the report in front of you.

“What the fuck is this?” You whispered to yourself, genuine shock rushing through you.

The report outlined a new facility, in the muggle world, which was essentially a cover-up for the Ministry’s mistakes. Muggles they had left permanently damaged due to memory charms. Signed off in agreement at the time by the Muggle Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher. _Trust her_ _to agree with something so barbaric._ For her, you imagined it was the easiest option; it was being paid for by the Ministry, run by the Ministry, and every year she would receive an updated report on the patients. Signed, sealed, and forgotten about.

 _What can I do?_ In your eyes, you were completely powerless. 

There was a second parchment, much smaller in length, that wasn’t a part of the original report. _The Myosotis ward_. Clamming up at the first line, your heart began to thud against your chest.

‘ _We have found there is an exponentially small subset of Muggles that do not respond to any of the known Memory Charms, therefore, in agreement with the Government of the United Kingdom, the Ministry of Magic will take charge in heading a new ward at the Hythe Wellness facility. This will ensure the safety of both the Wizarding and Muggle worlds.’_

The more you read, the worse it got.

‘ _Specialised healers have discovered there is a correlation between patients. All have suffered forms of physical abuse as the result of magical malpractice.’_

So not only had they been subjected to magical trauma, they were now being “treated” for fake mental illnesses.

 _Is this what we have become?_ Imprisoning muggles because they can’t be obliviated or trusted? It was sickening. Unlawful captivity dressed up as a private, specialised mental health facility. Their main aim; ease patients of their fantastical delusions and hallucinations. There were no delusions. You shook your head as you read each point, disapproving of every line.

“Section 5. Personal relationships will be dealt with accordingly on a case by case basis.”

 _How?_ Closing your eyes, you tried to fathom how it would work, how the webs of someone’s life could be picked apart. The Ministry would have to dispose of any knowledge that a person ever existed in society. It was possible but an undertaking so large, it would require hours upon hours of research; snatching people in the night doesn’t often go unnoticed in the muggle world. Being backed by the Muggle Government would make it easier, of course, they’d have information that wasn’t so readily available to Wizarding authorities and they could cover things on their end but it still seemed so ludicrous to you.

“What has you so engrossed?” Severus interrupted, making your heart stutter in surprise. “I know it’s not those Wideye assignments. The first one I saw almost bored me to tears.”

He was standing in the doorway to the bedroom, arms crossed, head leaning on the wooden frame. So preoccupied with the documents, you hadn’t even heard him open the door.

“Ministry stuff.” You replied quietly as you kept your eyes glued to the parchments, contemplating when you should show him or not, after all, he had enough of his own shit to deal with.

“And what are you doing with Ministry _stuff?”_ And what Ministry stuff, anyway?” Severus didn’t appreciate the vagueness, especially when it came to the Ministry. If it wasn’t for his deal with Albus and the Ministry’s general respect for the headmaster’s counselling, Severus would be dead, or worse, in Azkaban living in his own squalor and eating vermin.

You’d have to show him, you conceded, “I’m...I’m not really sure. For some reason,” you closed the folder and proffered it to Severus, “This has been given to me. Read it. It’s quite unbelievable.”

He gave you a questioning look then sauntered over, took the folder, and headed to the sofa. Sprawling the parchments over his wide lap, he delved into the information but not before rubbing the sleep from his eyes. _Cute._

Sighing and tutting his way through the documents, Severus was just as dumbfounded as you were.

“I agree...unbelievable. That’s why it works though.” He said. “Isn’t it ironic...they’ve been fighting Dark Wizards and battling wars for years to stop the subjugation of Muggles and now look what they’re doing.”

“The greater good.” You replied bitterly. “Not for muggles, but for us. And it’s not new, it was opened in 83. Just two years after the war. 10 fucking years, Severus. Hiding in plain sight, right underneath muggle noses.”

“There was likely residual damage to muggles that the Ministry didn’t catch after the war ended. It was a chaotic time and their resources were severely stretched. It’s not surprising of them though is it, really?” Pushing the hair from his face, he brought his attention from the report to you. What did this have to do with her? How much more can she cope with? He wondered.

“No, I suppose not.” You knew that to be true first hand. No one knew about your father’s escape from Azkaban. The Ministry couldn’t have that; couldn’t be perceived to be weak and failing yet again. Reputation was everything, even if it was a falsehood.

“Who gave this to you?” He asked, in a serious tone he often didn’t use with you.

 _Shit._ If Severus looked into this more, which was highly probable, he may find the original owner of the documents. Minsy clearly felt this was a risk and you couldn’t jeopardise her or her mystery friend’s safety.

“Y/n?” He watched as you approached him and moved over to make room for you, then waited as patiently as he could for your answer.

“I can’t say, Severus.” You replied apprehensively. You knew he wasn’t going to like that answer.

That wasn’t the answer Severus wanted but had a feeling he was going to get. “And why not?”

“I’m not sure but I’d say the main reason is fear.”

“Okay,” he sighed, not quite understanding the cryptic answer. “Why have you got it?”

“I have no idea.” You shrugged.

He rubbed his forehead, becoming irritated with the continued vagueness of the situation.

“So you’ve been given this incredibly confidential piece of information, for Merlin knows what reason and you’ve just taken it. The Ministry will not be just with anyone who knows about this, you know that, don’t you?”

You bit your lip and nodded your head. You did know that and now you’d pulled Severus into it, too.

“I’ve only had it for half an hour longer than you have Severus. I’ve not yet had proper time to make sense of it. Or why it’s been given to me.”

“At least you know who it’s from.” He retorted.

“Not really. I know who put it in my hand, where it came from before that, I’m just as oblivious. Look, you don’t have to have any part in this but I don’t believe it’s been given to me on a whim...and knowing my own problems...what if? No, it’s for muggles.”

Severus leaned back and closed his eyes, a deep sigh leaving his chest. Taking the picture out of his hand, you scrunched your brow at it, the longer you stared, the more a feeling of dread rose up inside you.

“Severus, I...I think I’ve seen this before.” You said though you could hear a slight uncertainty in your own voice.

His eyes opened immediately, “What do you mean? You’ve been there?”

“No. No, I don’t think so. I’ve seen this building before, I was standing outside of it. I was...it was in a dream.”

“I doubt it, probably something that just looks similar.” A yawn escaped his mouth, as he dismissed your claim, he covered it lazily with his palm.

“No, it was this building.” Sitting up, you tapped the picture, now more confident, “I’m sure of it. I remember waking up from the dream thinking it was odd because I’d never seen it before and I’ve certainly never been there.”

“Y/n..” Severus sighed.

“Severus. I mean it! I know it sounds crazy but I mean it. I’ve seen it and now this gets planted in my lap.” You pointed at the parchments still sprawled on Severus.

He closed the folder, “Okay. Why don’t we reconsider all of this at a more appropriate hour? It’s half twelve in the morning and you need sleep.”

Severus wasn’t convinced, hoping rest would ease your overworked mind.

“I’m not tired.” You said stubbornly, sensing he wasn’t assured.

“You’re never tired.” He scoffed and stood up, dropping the folder on your lap. Weariness was sharpening his mood; he went back to bed without another word. You thought about following him but the folder drew you back.

Watching the fire burn as you tapped your feet nervously, you finally made up your mind. It was time.


End file.
